Husband won't let good friends/couples stay the night with their spouses

[Zathanea]

My husband and I have a house in London with a couple of spare rooms. We don't yet have kids.

I would like to be able to have a couple of goods friends and cousins - who live far away and who i don't often see - to stay occasionally. If they come to London, they would very likely be here with their husbands.

My husband has said he doesn't want couples staying in the house. I don't understand why he's so against it (I would do all the work and i said he could make other plans if he doesn't want to join in).

But because he doesn't like the idea of it, I asked if we could agree on having couples to stay max twice a year, for one night only (at the weekend). (That's twice a year total, not twice per couple !) I said that the morning after they've stayed, I would arrange for them to leave after breakfast.

But he still doesn't agree to it and says it's too much of a disruption.

I've told him that, in the case of one friend (a friend since childhood), it would only be feasible for her to visit me in London if she can stay over, and she'd very likely have her husband with her. So he is basically preventing the visit from happening, which feels very restrictive.

In the case of my cousins - they live abroad and very occasionally come to London. If one of them stays over with their spouse, I would be able to catch up with them loads more, and I hardly ever see them.

For context, we both have our parents to stay occasionally. He is ok with me having a single friend to stay, if it suits him, but this has never actually happened in the two years we've been together.

I feel like he's being really unreasonable. Do any of you understand his position? He is not neuro-diverse.

(I posted about this issue last year - but things have developed since then and I was hoping for some views on his position).

Thank you for reading.

She specifically says they are good Friends and cousins. It’s right there in the op.

If I am understanding this correctly - the issue isn’t other couples the issue seems to be other men? Because you are allowed to have singular friends and immediate family, does he have issues with jealousy OP? Personally I would do it anyways and tell him to do one if he doesn’t like it as it’s as much your house as his. As others have said he sounds very controlling and I would consider running if I were you.

You're an awfully jaded one , aren't you?

Presumably this isn’t the only problem in your relationship? Because if he says no to this, when it’s clearly really important to you and not that big an ask, then I imagine he’s controlling in other ways

This.
He is being completely unreasonable.
He doesn't hold all the power so cannot completely ban him.

Stop talking to him like you're asking for permission.

TELL him you think 2-3 times a year for 1 night is more than fair.

Get over it mate.

I can't imagine living like this. Asking permission for things and being told I can't do things I don't want to do.

My dh isn't particularly socialable. If I have people to stay over he doesn't come out for the meals or anything but he's there at breakfast or if we eat in.

I've never asked him if I can do anything.

That's an insane way to think.

I live in a rubbish place, I still have friends and family. If you live somewhere where everything shuts at nine then you are more likely to seep over not less likely.

I would seriously think hard before having dc and therefore shackling yourself for eighteen years to someone who you have to seek permission to to perfectly ordinary things .

Omg.

End it OP.

Others are right.

How will he feel about 'all the noise and mess' children make?

Would he be a grumpy asshole locking himself away? Sulking?

Would he 'allow' sleepovers or their friends over? Or would there be a big sulk?

Honestly I'd think of the much bigger picture living with a man like this.

Sounds like you'd be doing a lot alone and going home to a grumpy controlling asshole who sulks.

Try talking to him about the importance of social networks for physical and mental health. What goes around comes around...

Unless I've missed it, I'm not sure he's said why he is against it? Is he worried about stealing stuff? Is it hard socially for him? Is it because it would be one way- you host but they don't? Is it because he thinks you will sneak off with the husband? Is he scared of the husbands (did he go to boarding school?)

Does he ever go away for work so you could see them then?

I would be thinking very carefully about how you see your relationship developing. If you do have children, how is he going to be with them and will he allow them to have friends round? What will he be like socialising with other parents at school events for example. If he’s generally antisocial and that differs greatly from how you are, then I would give it some thought.

Just incompatibility. DH and I are in agreement no one stays over, and we would never stay at another friends house.

If he really cared I probably would relent to twice a year, but I’d hate it!

Then what’s the issue? It’s your house too. He doesn’t get to call the shots.

How are you policing this?? Do you loiter outside the door and burst in when you hear suspicious sex noises? 🙄

Honestly OP, this isn't one random area where he insists its his way only, is it?
I'm willing to bet he gets his way most of the time and you've tried to convince yourself its not that bad really. But this issue is one where you really don't want to give in, a sort of line in the sand you've drawn for yourself. If only he'd compromise on this you can convince yourself it is an equal relationship. But its not, he doesn't care about you.
He's not a nice person.

I’d hate it too. I’d worry now and again would turn into all the time, that it would escalate in to having to host all the time, but the food, dealing with the washing, having to entertain, talk etc.

But life is about compromise, you each pay half of bills etc so I’d have to accept it. I wouldn’t enjoy it though, but would hide it well, be welcoming. It sounds like your DH might show off /be hostile…

Having people to stay is something I can’t do either. I’m an introvert and having to entertain people for extended periods of time drains me. I am happy to go out and meet people socially or have them over for the day/dinner etc but I need to have my own home/space to recharge.
The difference in my situation is that my DH is the same. We are happy to go to friends/family and pay for hotels etc because that’s what suits us and they know us so understand.
Essentially, you are not compatible and it’s only going to cause more resentment as time goes on.

2 days ago I would have thought your husband was controlling, however, we hired a holiday cottage this weekend and my husband invited his friends to join and it is fucking hell on earth. They must have woken me six times every night, having showers, slamming doors, smashing glasses in the kitchen, accidentally locking themselves out when they go for a smoke. Hell is other people: I’m literally hallucinating through tiredness so I can understand your husband.

It’s your home and you’re entitled to invite people to stay. You do not need his permission.

This isn't about having people to stay.

This is about him not giving a shit about your feelings, and his insistence that things are done to suit him and nobody else. I'm guessing that this guest issue is the tip of a very large iceberg.

I can see his point. I hate having people stay over and also would far rather stay in a hotel than at friends or family houses. I guess the difference is that both I and my DH feel the same so it never causes any conflict. If we had opposing views I can see that would be awkward.

We have never hosted nor stayed over even at parents houses.

You’re not the person whose parents aren’t allowed to visit when you’re staying at your in-laws’ place in Ireland - because of your husband? If so - 🤷‍♀️

If not - I’m amazed the institution of marriage still survives with so many downtrodden wives who lose all agency when they marry.

i don't like anyone staying over to be quite honest. i don't blame him. they can stay at a hotel

well i think she does. if my husband asked people to stay without asking permission i'd be really bloody annoyed

I’d explain to him then that living together/being married doesn’t suit you .
This is just the start OP . What he wants and what he says goes .
No compromising.
Like another poster said . End this now before kids.