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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband won't let good friends/couples stay the night with their spouses

221 replies

Zathanea · 30/03/2024 23:13

My husband and I have a house in London with a couple of spare rooms. We don't yet have kids.

I would like to be able to have a couple of goods friends and cousins - who live far away and who i don't often see - to stay occasionally. If they come to London, they would very likely be here with their husbands.

My husband has said he doesn't want couples staying in the house. I don't understand why he's so against it (I would do all the work and i said he could make other plans if he doesn't want to join in).

But because he doesn't like the idea of it, I asked if we could agree on having couples to stay max twice a year, for one night only (at the weekend). (That's twice a year total, not twice per couple !) I said that the morning after they've stayed, I would arrange for them to leave after breakfast.

But he still doesn't agree to it and says it's too much of a disruption.

I've told him that, in the case of one friend (a friend since childhood), it would only be feasible for her to visit me in London if she can stay over, and she'd very likely have her husband with her. So he is basically preventing the visit from happening, which feels very restrictive.

In the case of my cousins - they live abroad and very occasionally come to London. If one of them stays over with their spouse, I would be able to catch up with them loads more, and I hardly ever see them.

For context, we both have our parents to stay occasionally. He is ok with me having a single friend to stay, if it suits him, but this has never actually happened in the two years we've been together.

I feel like he's being really unreasonable. Do any of you understand his position? He is not neuro-diverse.

(I posted about this issue last year - but things have developed since then and I was hoping for some views on his position).

Thank you for reading.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 31/03/2024 20:19

@Zathanea Is he controlling in other areas, with money, your time, your freedoms etc.

He is controlling our life and how much you can have guests in your own home. I find it hard to believe this is the one area where he is controlling.

KitchenSinkLlama · 31/03/2024 20:30

OP is this really the life you want?

dontcryformeargentina · 31/03/2024 20:33

@PaperDoIIs Lucky you! You found a good one

Rowen32 · 31/03/2024 20:39

LuckySantangelo35 · 31/03/2024 12:26

@Rowen32

why couldn’t you?

It's just not something we would enjoy, we like our own space, we love having visitors but 2/3 hours is enough for us..

Zathanea · 31/03/2024 21:23

DrJoanAllenby · 31/03/2024 04:22

Does he have a health problem such as using the toilet frequently? How many bathrooms do you have?

Hi @DrJoanAllenby , No he doesn't have any health problems. Our main guest bedroom has an ensuite bathroom anyway.

OP posts:
Earbuddy · 31/03/2024 21:55

He isn’t going to change. I think this is your third thread now? I couldn’t live like this - it’s a miserable existence. He’s making your world so small. At least you don’t have children and have to deal with play dates/sleepovers.

muggart · 31/03/2024 22:20

Does he compromise in other areas of life?

He sounds really selfish and dismissive of things that are important to you.

HummingbirdChandelier · 31/03/2024 22:29

Why particularly is it couples? Does he fancy one of the singles?

Zathanea · 31/03/2024 22:34

Thanks everyone for the comments.

I feel really disturbed by his attitude. As some of you have pointed out, a big part of the problem is that he is happy to override my feelings about something that is important to me - all because he doesn't want to be inconvenienced.

I have raised the issue of house guests with him multiple times. He normally gets annoyed, and he often brings his salary into it. We jointly own the house, but he pays more of the mortgage because he is on a very high salary and I work in the public sector. He tells me that I work fewer hours than him, and that he is 'paying for this house' - whilst I am having an 'easier life' but am 'making demands' about having people to stay. It is true that his job is more stressful and he works longer hours - but his hours are not crazy (he starts at 8, finishes around 5.30pm, and he normally WFH). I also work hard (but it's not as stressful).

In day-to-day life, I don't ask him for permission to do things. But I have to about overnight guests, because he lives in the house too.

OP posts:
PaperDoIIs · 31/03/2024 22:42

Zathanea · 31/03/2024 22:34

Thanks everyone for the comments.

I feel really disturbed by his attitude. As some of you have pointed out, a big part of the problem is that he is happy to override my feelings about something that is important to me - all because he doesn't want to be inconvenienced.

I have raised the issue of house guests with him multiple times. He normally gets annoyed, and he often brings his salary into it. We jointly own the house, but he pays more of the mortgage because he is on a very high salary and I work in the public sector. He tells me that I work fewer hours than him, and that he is 'paying for this house' - whilst I am having an 'easier life' but am 'making demands' about having people to stay. It is true that his job is more stressful and he works longer hours - but his hours are not crazy (he starts at 8, finishes around 5.30pm, and he normally WFH). I also work hard (but it's not as stressful).

In day-to-day life, I don't ask him for permission to do things. But I have to about overnight guests, because he lives in the house too.

So he's a controlling twat and possibly abusive. Great!

Zathanea · 31/03/2024 22:50

The fact that he brings his salary into it is unkind and unreasonable, right?

OP posts:
Imbusytodaysorry · 31/03/2024 22:50

Zathanea · 31/03/2024 22:34

Thanks everyone for the comments.

I feel really disturbed by his attitude. As some of you have pointed out, a big part of the problem is that he is happy to override my feelings about something that is important to me - all because he doesn't want to be inconvenienced.

I have raised the issue of house guests with him multiple times. He normally gets annoyed, and he often brings his salary into it. We jointly own the house, but he pays more of the mortgage because he is on a very high salary and I work in the public sector. He tells me that I work fewer hours than him, and that he is 'paying for this house' - whilst I am having an 'easier life' but am 'making demands' about having people to stay. It is true that his job is more stressful and he works longer hours - but his hours are not crazy (he starts at 8, finishes around 5.30pm, and he normally WFH). I also work hard (but it's not as stressful).

In day-to-day life, I don't ask him for permission to do things. But I have to about overnight guests, because he lives in the house too.

Not really your home in his eyes is it OP.
You are just the lodger .

Alicewinn · 31/03/2024 22:53

My partner is like this too. It does my head in

sciencemama · 31/03/2024 22:53

I'm gonna be honest here, my dp had one of his good friends come and stay with his wife and kids in our house. I hated it.

They slept in spare room all together no problems, but the man was creepy towards me, the wife was a bit weird. And they left us with their kids for 2 hours and when we wanted to put our dc to bed they announced their kids could go play upstairs in our dcs rooms.

We had never met their kids.
I had never met any of them before either.
My dc saw the kids and their dad in passing once

Never again are they coming back

Zathanea · 31/03/2024 22:56

Alicewinn · 31/03/2024 22:53

My partner is like this too. It does my head in

As in he doesn't let couples stay over?

OP posts:
justasking111 · 31/03/2024 22:56

I wouldn't be having children with a man who held my salary over my head. That's disturbing

Earbuddy · 31/03/2024 23:00

He was mean to you about your parents coming to stay - deliberately. He told you he did so to upset/annoy you. That’s not normal.

determinedtomakethiswork · 31/03/2024 23:02

If you had a really beautiful single female friend who wanted to come and stay, what would he say to that?

Capmagturk · 31/03/2024 23:14

It sounds like the reason he doesn't want couples because he can't be arsed having to socialise with the guy. If it's a single woman itl be you entertaining and he can leave you to it. He's totally unreasonable.

Surfapparel · 31/03/2024 23:16

This reminds me of my ex husband. He would make weird rules that ended up isolating me from friends and family. Eventually he was so controlling that he wouldn't even allow me to choose our children's names or when to have a baby (pressured me to have our second when I wasn't ready).

Does he comment on your clothes? Your hair? Does he dislike any of your friends or family? Does he make jokes at your expense, or point out your flaws a lot?

cansu · 31/03/2024 23:51

He is controlling. Given you are married you own an equal share in this house. Maybe you would be better taking your share out?

Headstarttohappiness · 01/04/2024 00:00

Totally unreasonable. Massive red flags here re no guests, the salaries being brought up.

You sound like a nice person - he doesn’t sound like he respects you or your very normal needs for family/friends contact. Gently, it sounds very much like you deserve better and only you can make that decision. Put yourself first- he’s not going to.

Boymum2104 · 01/04/2024 00:18

I would hate to have people stay overnight in my house & I don't stay overnight at others houses. I guess it's just personal preference

scoobysnaxx · 01/04/2024 00:59

Zathanea · 31/03/2024 22:50

The fact that he brings his salary into it is unkind and unreasonable, right?

Yes it is.

Basically in summary, he is saying 'I have the power and control and the money and I pay the mortgage. Therefore my opinion and wants and needs override yours'.

He doesn't view you as his equal.

MichaelAndEagle · 01/04/2024 10:53

I can't remember all the details from the other thread OP.
Are you in a position where you could leave the marriage if you wanted to?

Him mentioning the money thing is awful. He's saying he doesn't see you as his equal, and he's reminding you he has more power than you in quite a nasty way.