I don’t like my granddaughter

[SiliconHeaven]

Hello, as the title says, I don’t like her and it’s (obviously) affecting my relationships, I feel guilty and I’m trying my best to not think about that, and to re-frame the relationship in my mind. Does anyone have any tips or experiences? I feel like such a twat.

She’s nine, I love her, she was a lovely baby, the problems have developed over the years. I find that I don’t really want to visit like I used to and babysitting is a chore, I used to enjoy it so much.
I’m disabled, a wheelchair user. When I’m at my DDs house and I need to go to the toilet my DGD races every time to get in there before me if she sees me heading there. Any request to let me go first is met with sneers and refusal. She will then sit on the toilet for 20 minutes saying she hasn’t finished. I’ve wet myself a couple of times.

She is unpleasant about other people, things like saying she doesn’t want to be friends with the new girl at school because she’s too ugly, doesn’t want to watch a tv show because the actor is too fat, that sort of thing. No longer friends with so and so because they are poor. I’ve spent quite a lot of time trying to talk to her about not commenting on people’s appearance and not being judgemental but she doesn’t care.

They have pet cats, DGD clearly doesn’t like them, shouts at them and pushes them away if they are within reach, they know not to go anywhere near her because she’s been unpleasant to them since she was a baby.

DD says she’s ’spoken to her’ about the toilet thing. DGD just smiles and nods, every time it’s just ‘don’t do it again’

I do think people forget we aren’t really born bad or evil. Early intervention can help a whole load and stop really bad behaviours developing. It takes a village to raise a child and I hate the whole oh it’s not for me to say or I’m not doing anything it’s not my child etc etc. My ex was a very reactive child, witnessed abuse off his dad and then abused and hit me. Early intervention could have stopped that escalation but his mum unfortunately turned down the therapy he was offered as a child as she thought she could love him enough. She over compensated and he turned into an adult brat with no boundaries and by that point very little empathy. She will only get worse and it’s sad because she is a child. (I’m sure there are rare cases where intervention doesn’t help).

I do think people forget we aren’t really born bad or evil. Early intervention can help a whole load and stop really bad behaviours developing. It takes a village to raise a child and I hate the whole oh it’s not for me to say or I’m not doing anything it’s not my child etc etc. My ex was a very reactive child, witnessed abuse off his dad and then abused and hit me. Early intervention could have stopped that escalation but his mum unfortunately turned down the therapy he was offered as a child as she thought she could love him enough. She over compensated and he turned into an adult brat with no boundaries and by that point very little empathy. She will only get worse and it’s sad because she is a child. (I’m sure there are rare cases where intervention doesn’t help).

Posted twice don’t know how!

How do you treat pets??

There are horrible, serious examples of cruelty to animals by sadists, while "shouting and pushing away" is something that a lot of people who don't enjoy the company of animals do.

gentle parenting is about not brutalizing and shaming and hitting a child and respecting their autonomy. It’s about treating a child like an individual deserving of respect and kindness. It’s about treating them like an individual and not your property to mold; it’s about guidance

Oh here we go with this utter tosh. Why oh why do people who gentle parent repeat this nonsense all the time? I didn't do gentle parenting but I sure as hell didn't brutalize, shame or hit my child. that's abuse. Is that what you think other parents do?

It’s about treating them like an individual and not your property to mold

It’s exactly your job as a parent to mould your child into becoming a decent human being, or it would be like Lord of the fucking flies.

There is only one parent.

I suspect that the issue with this child hogging the toilet probably happens when the parent is out and the OP is babysitting.

The OP is disabled and is well aware of the points you raise, however she has no means of asserting any authority over this child by giving out sanctions for bad behaviour. That is the whole point of the thread.

I suggest you read the post properly. Where do I say that it is the OP (Gran) who should impose the sanctions? It is a job for the parent. Just because the parent is not there when this child claims possession of the toilet, it doesn't mean to say she can't be taken to task by the parent. And as for your comment about the OP being 'well aware of the points you raise' - well, you could say that about every point made, couldn't you, including your own? Or are you just looking for something to pick on? If so, you might find it helpful to read the actual post first.

I am well aware the OP is disabled, because I actually read her post.

They say this every time because that's all they've got to say - wild exaggeration that has no basis in what's actually been said.

Badly, from the sound of it.

I wonder how the poster would like it if someone regularly shouted at her and pushed her away? Neither animals nor people are there to be abused by a spoilt and malicious child.

I don’t entirely agree.

Some people are born with bad genes, they can come down the line a number of years later.

@Lighteningstrikes I also don’t disagree that some children are born with more challenging genes but that doesn’t automatically make them psychopaths, some just require a lot more effort and energy into finding methods that are effective in correcting or teaching in how to control. I do believe that needs to be taught earlier so bad coping behaviours don’t get stuck.

This little girl seems to be left to her own devices.

I mentioned about the fact that the child had a sperm donor as a dad as felt it may have had some impact on the child psychologically .For a number of reasons .She may feel different to her peers .No reference point . Her mum may be struggling having never had a partner to share parenting. As someone else pointed out there could be a genetic component too.
i am not saying children can’t be well adjusted in sperm donor families but just looking at negative reasons to possibly explain how she is. Either way I would take her to the GP for her mental health.

@kerstina I believe they call it Ace’s, adverse child experiences. It’s like my own daughter who’s father was abusive and parents divorced, moved home etc. I know in my opinion she has suffered.

Yes there ARE vile people in the world.
But if you have pets that's not how you treat them

That is not the answer

@Rainbow03 I disagree with you comment that psychopaths are not born. While genetic influences do not cause psychopathy directly, they do influence the way certain brain structures and systems develop in a way that increases the risk a person will develop psychopathy.

Anyway, regardless of weather or not the child is a psychopath and what is going to be done about this is none of our business. We can and we did, advice PO to talk to her daughter and suggest that she takes her child to a mental health professional for assessment as something is clearly not right with the child.

As for the OP, she should definitely assert some boundaries, like I said in my previous post, tell her DD that she does not feel comfortable babysitting/being alone with the girl, but will continue visiting when her DD is around. This is my opinion.

Btw, while it is true that most of us are not experts in the matter, we are here to give advice based on our own knowledge and experience and that is what we are doing.

@livelovelough24 I know. I just feel so strongly when children are written off or labeled because the adults don’t want to have difficult or uncomfortable conversations. It’s a failure on many levels for them.

@NannyOg

But if you have pets that's not how you treat them

Am I recommending that people treat their pets like that?

Unfortunately this thread has turned into a discussion of whether or not that child is a psychopath, largely on the basis of her treatment of the cats. She is not kind to the cats, but the psychopaths who were cruel to animals as children were seriously cruel to animals.

But we should expect - and enforce - kind behavior toward others (people AND animals), and her ugly behavior toward the cats should not be minimized or excused because others have done worse.

The same goes for her mistreatment of gran. Others have no doubt done worse, but her behavior is still nasty and unacceptable and must be stopped.

She is not kind to the cats, but the psychopaths who were cruel to animals as children were seriously cruel to animals

The cats are scared of her!!! Three of my kids love our cats but one of them isn’t particularly keen, what does he do? He just ignores them or maybe gives a reluctant stroke if they are pestering him. He would never, ever be nasty to them.

You can’t say psychopathic children are seriously cruel to animals and not just a little bit cruel, as it usually starts off small and then escalates, some of them then moving onto people when older.

This child may or may not be a psychopath or she may just be a horrible little brat who is used to getting her own way. Either way her bad behaviour needs to be stopped.

The thing is it is very easy for people on the internet to write off a nine-year-old child but where does that get us?

Of course she has got to be taught about empathy and to treat people and animals better.

I don't think anybody has 'written her off'. She needs firm boundaries and professional help.

Lots of posters have said she's just a cunt, a shit, a psychopath, a bitch and there's absolutely no point trying to correct her.