I don’t like my granddaughter

[SiliconHeaven]

Hello, as the title says, I don’t like her and it’s (obviously) affecting my relationships, I feel guilty and I’m trying my best to not think about that, and to re-frame the relationship in my mind. Does anyone have any tips or experiences? I feel like such a twat.

She’s nine, I love her, she was a lovely baby, the problems have developed over the years. I find that I don’t really want to visit like I used to and babysitting is a chore, I used to enjoy it so much.
I’m disabled, a wheelchair user. When I’m at my DDs house and I need to go to the toilet my DGD races every time to get in there before me if she sees me heading there. Any request to let me go first is met with sneers and refusal. She will then sit on the toilet for 20 minutes saying she hasn’t finished. I’ve wet myself a couple of times.

She is unpleasant about other people, things like saying she doesn’t want to be friends with the new girl at school because she’s too ugly, doesn’t want to watch a tv show because the actor is too fat, that sort of thing. No longer friends with so and so because they are poor. I’ve spent quite a lot of time trying to talk to her about not commenting on people’s appearance and not being judgemental but she doesn’t care.

They have pet cats, DGD clearly doesn’t like them, shouts at them and pushes them away if they are within reach, they know not to go anywhere near her because she’s been unpleasant to them since she was a baby.

DD says she’s ’spoken to her’ about the toilet thing. DGD just smiles and nods, every time it’s just ‘don’t do it again’

Film her doing it, including your conversations with the locked toilet door.

Because I’m not the parent, I’ve done my bit and I have no power here at all. I can’t enforce any punishment or consequence of her actions. I’ve failed with trying to appeal to her better nature.
I will have to refuse to babysit for a few months and explain to DD that I will only agree to go back if she addresses the issues.
I don’t want to lose them but I can’t think of anything else.

This child is deliberately preventing her disabled grandmother from using the toilet, to the point that OP wets herself.

What kind of response do you think we should all be giving? It's clear from what OP has said about her at school, that there is no special need or observable issue with the girl. But she is abusing her disabled GM.

Thank you, I will do this, I can’t carry on and I can let them know I don’t want to lose them over it

I will have to refuse to babysit for a few months and explain to DD that I will only agree to go back if she addresses the issues.

That was going to be my suggestion - if it impact your DD more maybe she'll get to grips disciplining her daughter.

Being a single parent is not an excuse for not parenting or disciplining your child. I brought my child up entirely on my own and would not have tolerated this.

You need to start with the toilet issue and make sure your daughter knows how distressing this is for you. If it was me I would either refuse to let her come round or ensure your daughter is there to restrain the child and let you go first.

As regards saying nasty things about other people tell you don't want to hear that kind of talk and refuse to engage further. She seems to be turning into quite an unpleasant little girl and it does her no favours to let this carry on.

I feel for you OP and I agree the no babysitting unless your DD can step up to resolve this.

I know you are not the parent but I do think it’s worth talking strategies with your DD and what punishments you both can enforce so it’s consistent across the board. For example, wifi goes off, phone confiscated when mum gets home etc. Although you shouldn’t have to do it, you can’t let a 9 year old behave in the way she is doing to you.

I'd go ballistic about the toilet thing. As in, don't stop asking her to come out now, when she comes out have a proper go at her for being so selfish, go through in detail how unpleasant it is for you. Call her mother to take over babysitting at once. Absolutely lay it on thick.

Trash talking other people - not very nice, but not exactly unheard of in 9yo girls. They're testing out their power. I'd let that one go.

I'd go fairly ballistic about the cats.

I know you're not the parent, but you seem to be the only one who wants to hold her to certain behavioural standards. If your daughter won't do it, your choice is either to do it yourself or stop babysitting.

I'd really lay it on the line with GD - you love her but don't enjoy looking after her because of how she behaves. You say you can't apply consequences but the ultimate consequence is you saying you won't take care of her, whether on one instance or at all.

You need to refuse to babysit and explain the reason why you can't. You can still see your daughter and granddaughter, just no babysitting.

Perhaps your daughter will then realise how serious the issue is and do more to address it.

I have no power here at all

Exactly.

@MrsPelligrinoPetrichor the granddaughter clearly sees her GM's disability as rendering her powerless. That's why she's abusing her. OP has no physical or psychological advantage here. Doubtless the GD stands higher than OP's chair-bound presence, and subconsciously that's a psychological advantage. It doesn't matter that OP wouldn't physically reprimand her, GD recognises that she can't stop her from doing anything. OP 's hands are tied to a significant degree.

@SiliconHeaven

Good idea

It make your daughter face up to the issue of your granddaughter being unpleasant,

As your daughter will find it extremely difficult to sustain babysitters as alternative to yourself
with the way things are like currently.

Why is it "bleating" to ask the child's parent to parent her?
Why are you so unpleasant?

Sadly I think she may have a cruel streak, a 9 year old should not have to be told not to be mean to the cat and granny. She does need telling though, I winder if she is quwen bee among the mean girls at school.

I think if you are unwilling to address how this child treats you you’ve already “lost” them really. I find it totally incomprehensible that you would take this attitude with your own grandchild. It sounds like you don’t have more than a passing interest to be honest.

Well, expect more of the same then.

She's a very unkind girl who, for whatever motive, gets a kick out of having power over her disabled grandmother and causing misery. I would cut her out of my life with immediate effect. Her cruelty is calculated. She's perfectly aware of what she is doing. Tell your daughter exactly why you are not going to engage with her child any longer.

The toilet things alone justifies you not doing any more babysitting. I would be very clear about this.

Making rude comments about other people I'd be inclined just to say "that's not a very nice thing to say" and change the subject/ignore. Spending a long time explaining the reasons is rewarding the behaviour, as what she wants is attention. (Nothing wrong with kids wanting attention but they need to be encouraged to ask for it in positive and not negative ways.)

Because OP is placid and that’s what “bleating” implies. I’m not being unpleasant unless you think that OPs redness is shameful when framed in this way. (Which frankly I do)

Stop babysitting her immediately. Only visit your dd at weekends. Refuse to be on your own with DGD because of her malice. She's one step away from abusing people and her parents need to understand that.

Read what OP said:

I can’t enforce any punishment or consequence of her actions.

Physically OP cannot carry out or enforce anything. The child could leave the house and she couldn't stop her. Pretty much any sanction or withdrawal of an activity relies on a child knowing that the adult can physically carry it out, particularly when that person isn't the parent.

Popularity at that age at school can be a nightmare… her friends will let her go first or it will be a competition to be first. If everyone wants to be her friend then she can choose, and when she says she doesn’t want to be then her friend group will follow. Unfortunately it’s easy to learn to put others down to remain on top.. the other children support it because they don’t want to be in the firing line. So dgd is being mean because she’s learnt that she wins.

it’s obviously not acceptable behaviour, So parenting has to be very on the ball, very consistent with strict repercussions for her actions with explanation. Dgd is young and learning so if this isn’t stepped in I think it will get worse and disaplinning her now is easier that the teenage years.

At least once, If I were her mum, I’d go to toilet first and stay on it for 20 minutes. accept that this may be controversial, but imo it’s not hurting her and is almost on the lines of natural consequences.

op I agree i would also withdraw from minding her, treats etc till her behaviour gets better.

My 9 yr old wouldn't know what hit them if they dared treat a grandparent or anyone / thing like that. Your issue is your daughter, do not babysit again!

If you're the one 'in charge' when she is unpleasant (or cruel, to both you and the cats) you can't wait till your daughter gets home

You can agree consequences beforehand (TV off/no tablet/wifi/whatever) but they have to be enforced at the time, not the next day. That would have no effect at all.

And she might be a touch more respectful if she knew she wasn't going to get away with it

In the teacher's opinion maybe.

What a nasty child! Your daughter is failing as a mother and the child will suffer the consequences of this as an adult. She might be popular now but a time will come when others realise she's a horrible human and move away. I feel sorry for her for having such a weak mother