I don’t like my granddaughter

[SiliconHeaven]

Hello, as the title says, I don’t like her and it’s (obviously) affecting my relationships, I feel guilty and I’m trying my best to not think about that, and to re-frame the relationship in my mind. Does anyone have any tips or experiences? I feel like such a twat.

She’s nine, I love her, she was a lovely baby, the problems have developed over the years. I find that I don’t really want to visit like I used to and babysitting is a chore, I used to enjoy it so much.
I’m disabled, a wheelchair user. When I’m at my DDs house and I need to go to the toilet my DGD races every time to get in there before me if she sees me heading there. Any request to let me go first is met with sneers and refusal. She will then sit on the toilet for 20 minutes saying she hasn’t finished. I’ve wet myself a couple of times.

She is unpleasant about other people, things like saying she doesn’t want to be friends with the new girl at school because she’s too ugly, doesn’t want to watch a tv show because the actor is too fat, that sort of thing. No longer friends with so and so because they are poor. I’ve spent quite a lot of time trying to talk to her about not commenting on people’s appearance and not being judgemental but she doesn’t care.

They have pet cats, DGD clearly doesn’t like them, shouts at them and pushes them away if they are within reach, they know not to go anywhere near her because she’s been unpleasant to them since she was a baby.

DD says she’s ’spoken to her’ about the toilet thing. DGD just smiles and nods, every time it’s just ‘don’t do it again’

I’ve been watching some Buddhism lectures (Ajhahn Brahm as recommended by someone on here) about children who are praised, living up to that praise. Experiments show that it works. I’m not convinced that it always works though

That's interesting. I did this with my grandchildren - quietly remarking to their mum, being sure that the child overheard, something like, "aren't you lucky to have such a kind girl/ boy?" I always saw a small, pleased smile from the child, usually followed by an offer to clear the table/ load the dishwasher etc.

"And there is nothing wrong with being a nurse 😳"

Beverley Allitt. Lucy Letby. I could go on but I won't.

It’s actually make me feel emotional - she sounds like an obnoxious two faced brat. Maybe you could show your daughter this thread?
This has made me cry, but then I have covid, so it could be a symptom - I don't usually cry over Mumsnet posts

💐

There has been extensive research by FBI psychologists on the link between animal harm, empathy and extreme violence.

Empathy can be learnt/taught and children start showing signs fully from aged 5 - if not before - of being capable of learning empathy.

Either this little girl hasn’t been taught how to empathise(e.g. ‘Don’t hurt Felix - it’s unkind and it makes them upset’) or she is has had something happen to her to prevent her learning or she’s not capable of learning it (there are humans who are like this).

What is quite evident is that this little child has reached the age of 9 and is not showing any evidence of considering the feelings of vulnerable members of society and is actively going out of her way to harm them.

And yes, that includes animals, whether you like them or not.

My friend’s wife conceived their child with a donor. Their lovely 7 year old is being raised by two fantastic humans. He is kind towards the family cat - who was there before him. Both sets of grandparents love being around him.

Is there any evidence you can point us to show that children conceived by donation are more inclined to be abuse vulnerable people and animals?

The next time you are babysitting tell her 15mins before you go to the toilet that you will be going in 15mins so she needs to go now if she wants to go because you will need the toilet then.
This is giving her prior warning and if she still continues to go when you want to go then give her a severe telling off and tell her she was notified.

Otherwise tell her you are going when you don’t need to go and let her sit in the toilet for 20mins for no reason, she will then realise that her granny is on to her and feel a bit silly

How does your daughter’s lack of empathy towards you make you feel?

Has your daughter struggled with empathy herself hence her inability to teach it or instil it into her daughter?

Why do you think your daughter struggles to empathise with the family pets and allow her child to abuse them?

There are plenty of children’s story
books which are designed to teach children about kindness and empathy. Maybe mum can read them to her?

I am so sorry that your daughter doesn’t value you or respect you enough to demand that her daughter does the same. It saddens me that she has very little empathy and feeling towards her disabled mum.

I love my mother and my cats very much and I would feel physically sick to hear of my daughter treating them like this.

I know it includes animals, and I've had cats all my life and would be horrified at cruelty towards them.

But when people read this thread and ONLY post about their anger about how she treats the cats, I can't help but wonder why the abuse of the girls disabled grandmother doesn't result in at least equal anger and distress.

It is laziness done by parents who want an easy life and would rather be their child’s mate than their parent. No wonder teachers are leaving in droves.

Sounds like you’ve got a little bully on your hands.

Her behavior towards you is unacceptable. It’s honestly even worse because of your physical limitations.

@SiliconHeaven

So you think nurses work hard, but doctors don't work as hard?

I think you need to come to my hospital and see just how hard it is for our doctors at the moment.

There are countless posts on this thread showing a reaction to the way she has treated her grandmother.

There are also countless posts on this thread which shows a reaction over the way grandmother is being but doesn't mention the cats at all.

There are countless posts which mention both.

And we have posts which solely focus on the cats.

Just because someone points out the cruel behaviour towards the cats, it doesn't mean they are diminishing the behaviour towards the grandmother.

We don't live in a black and white world where everyone must think and react the same way you do in the same situation.

I think you're being deliberately goady.

I'm sure OP meant the point that nurses have more physical demands in their job compared to doctors.

As was my friend's DD. Her DD is a sweetheart and loves animals. My friend is a single mum and made the decision to have a child via sperm donor after her fiancé died.

This is true. In fairness to the girl, this may be a case of nature and ‘nurture’. What I mean by this is that this doesn’t sound like gentle parenting but like ineffective / permissive parenting. I’m sure if carried out effectively, gentle parenting works for a lot of kids.

For example, James Fallon, a neuroscientist discovered he was a psychopath. He was nurtured and grew to be a loving family man. https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/the-neuroscientist-who-discovered-he-was-a-psychopath-180947814/

I also think you should show your dd the thread. But maybe just some of the posts as she probably won’t get past the first few.

The grandmother can choose to remove herself from the situation and the abuser, the cats cannot. And the abuser will likely escalate the abuse toward the cats (or already has when she is not observed). But based on the replies, it seems to me most people also find the girl’s behavior toward her grandmother vile and shocking and unacceptable, thus the majority agree she should avoid the little monster.

Spoken like someone who knows jackshit about what gentle parenting is about.

gentle parenting is about not brutalizing and shaming and hitting a child and respecting their autonomy. It’s about treating a child like an individual deserving of respect and kindness. It’s about treating them like an individual and not your property to mold; it’s about guidance.

Do not confuse gentle parenting with absent parenting.

gentle parenting is one of the hardest ways to parent. The amount of mindfulness and presence required is astounding.

It’s so easy to yell at a kid misbehaving. Even easier to smack them when they talk back, but try being an adult when a kid is testing your limits, then come talk to me about laziness.

That’s quite interesting. Just reading that it made me think that there is a fine line between positive reinforcement / building your child up and manipulating them. I’m clearly having a cynical evening(!) but am interested to read further around that

I don’t know if my style was gentle parenting as I did sometimes shout at my kids (impossible not to sometimes) but I always treated them with respect and never had any behavioural issues with them. Interesting you say ‘talk back’ as for me as a parent, there was no such thing as my kids talking back. It’s a concept I just don’t understand. (My kids were always allowed to express themselves freely if when they disagreed with me). I think my style worked as I’ve had so many compliments from people about my kids (now adult) especially as I brought them up as a single mum.

Er, no - you don't dance around this child, making up silly ploys to outwit her. The parents actually get off their backsides and parent their kid properly. And as for OP telling her she will want to use the loo in 15 minutes, well no surprises for guessing what the brat will do, she'll just stay in the loo longer than 15 mins in the toilet, so what will that achieve? And has it not occurred to the parents that this lengthy time in the toilet only happens when Gran comes round? And have they challenged the child about it? Somehow I doubt it, because this is a child who has been allowed (encouraged) to be rude, unpleasant and without empathy and who definitely has the upper hand because of weak parenting.

The cycle of a child of this age ruling the roost needs to stop and there needs to be sanctions to make her realise that her stupid game-playing will have repercussions - for her. This child will become an even more unpleasant individual if nothing is done to correct her.

OP your thread reminds me so much over a conversation I had with a grandma in the park over her grandchild. She said when she is looking after grandchild she is not allowed to use the toilet how and when she needs, child is totally dictating things. She seemed to just accept it.

I asked her why on earth does she tolerate this behaviour and that my child would be punished immediately, we have a lot of zero tolerance rules. She looked surprised about thinking she could be more the boss.

My advice would be to refuse looking after her, mum would soon get her arse in gear.

Nah... she's a nasty little shit

My thoughts exactly. Especially with the animal cruelty. Those poor cats should be rehomed away from this nasty little shit

@MumOfOneAllAlone

Well done you. Yes, the mother is letting her dd down terribly. I don't believe anyone is born bad and children have to be helped to be empathetic.