I don’t like my granddaughter

[SiliconHeaven]

Hello, as the title says, I don’t like her and it’s (obviously) affecting my relationships, I feel guilty and I’m trying my best to not think about that, and to re-frame the relationship in my mind. Does anyone have any tips or experiences? I feel like such a twat.

She’s nine, I love her, she was a lovely baby, the problems have developed over the years. I find that I don’t really want to visit like I used to and babysitting is a chore, I used to enjoy it so much.
I’m disabled, a wheelchair user. When I’m at my DDs house and I need to go to the toilet my DGD races every time to get in there before me if she sees me heading there. Any request to let me go first is met with sneers and refusal. She will then sit on the toilet for 20 minutes saying she hasn’t finished. I’ve wet myself a couple of times.

She is unpleasant about other people, things like saying she doesn’t want to be friends with the new girl at school because she’s too ugly, doesn’t want to watch a tv show because the actor is too fat, that sort of thing. No longer friends with so and so because they are poor. I’ve spent quite a lot of time trying to talk to her about not commenting on people’s appearance and not being judgemental but she doesn’t care.

They have pet cats, DGD clearly doesn’t like them, shouts at them and pushes them away if they are within reach, they know not to go anywhere near her because she’s been unpleasant to them since she was a baby.

DD says she’s ’spoken to her’ about the toilet thing. DGD just smiles and nods, every time it’s just ‘don’t do it again’

This. I’ve known a child like this and it doesn’t pan out well.

Little girls can be nasty and extremely scathing about the appearance of others, and utterly two-faced too, but cruelty to animals is a red flag behaviour in a child. Your daughter needs to speak to someone.

Anonymous donor - as in your DD being a solo mother, choosing to be a single mother without a father?

I dont know about screening of donors but there is a YT channel and a fcb profile called Precious Star pads that talks about how it works.
I think all the anger etc doesnt need to come inherited from the father if thats what you were hinting at. I think its likely got to do with the fact there isnt a father figure on the scene at all.

You absolutely cannot babysit under these conditions. She has well and truly crossed a line and it has not been dealt with adequately. She has got away with it multiple times and my guess would be that in future she will try and push things further to see how much more she can get away with. If mine ever dared to do anything similar I would absolutely lose my shit. There would be no mistaking that line had been crossed and it was never to be even approached again. Is your daughter not absolutely horrified about this situation? If you continue to babysit you are almost legitimising her behaviour. It could start to become a pattern. Nana comes around, I lock her out the bathroom, she gets upset, on repeat. You have to put a stop to this. Also while you are babysitting you are in loco parentis so have no qualms about putting her right on behaviour.

The toilet thing is vile behaviour and her parents need to discipline her properly.

apart from that, if you don't like her (and you have good reason to) you aren't under any obligation actually to see her at all.

She may grow out of this sort of stuff.

It does sound high time to set boundaries with daughter and GD. I’d be having a very firm conversation about her unacceptable behaviour and make it clear you worry about the future if she continues to behave in this way towards others. Frankly, there’d be no announcement when I needed the loo and a firm ‘no, wait your turn’ if she insisted on going first. She’s a child, albeit one with unsettling behaviour. It’s easy to give more power than is warranted, which sends her the wrong messages. You may have to set limits on what kind of babysitting you are prepared to do and make it clear why.

I don’t think it’s your DD’s fault. Unfortunately no amount of good parenting is going to change a child who’s capable of this sort of behaviour. Most children would never behave like this whatever their parents were like.

There’s a chance she will change. I don’t think we should give up on children…my mum decided that my sister was horrible at an early age and she stayed horrible. I’ve been watching some Buddhism lectures (Ajhahn Brahm as recommended by someone on here) about children who are praised, living up to that praise. Experiments show that it works. I’m not convinced that it always works though.

Oh I’ve totally contradicted myself there!! But I still don’t think it’s your DD’s fault!

@Gia79 If you had read through the thread, you see that many on here are thinking - and feeling - the same as you x

Sociopath did spring to my mind too but IHRTFT and didn’t like to say!

You could perhaps install a lock on the toilet and only for the time when she is in your home keep it locked and keep the key around your neck. That way, you can go whenever you want. When your DGD inevitably asks why you have locked the toilet, be honest. Tell her you would rather not do it, but it’s up to her to show consideration for you and is she ready to be more mature?
Have her mother take her to toilet on arrival and then again on departure to prevent accidents for her while she is being babysat.

So many people focusing on the animals, when this girl is abusing her disabled grandmother by making her wet herself, making her cry, and then laughing about it.

I actually hope it’s not true as this girl sounds so awful and cruel I’d like to think she isn’t real. I would hazard a guess nearly all down to poor parenting. If not poor parenting then a personality disorder. It’s one or the other.

Show me the child at 7 I will show you the adult. Whenever there are horrible crimes committed by people I often wonder what they were like as children and she sounds like what one may imagine they might be like ! Abusive to animals and disabled people. Future psychopath? Has she always been mean or is it a recent thing and what sort of people are her parents?

Just no. Speak to the Mum and say no more of your being vulnerable eg needing the toilet and her taking it without serious consequences.

@Gia79 Sociopaths are often diagnosed due to their cruelty to animals from a young age.
Studies have shown that animals can smell this and are fearful of sociopaths.

My friend with a clearly sociopathic child, he would put their small mammals in the fridge or hang them from height using their claws...then be delighted when when were hurt/fell.

I mean how can a parent not spot that their child has an evil streak?

Yes, I had heard of this but it’s a difficult pill to swallow for a grandparent. I really hope the child grows out of it although it seems unlikely given that OP has faced such cruelty and humiliation without a mention of any consequence really. I second the PPs who said they’d physically remove the child from the toilet.

I don't think there is a clinical test for whether a man is a dick, but if he was then it sounds like he passed it on to your DGD.

I would be very wary about leaving her unattended around your cats.

That’s rather dismissive towards nurses 😮

So no Father, does she know her father was a sperm donor ? Does she ever ask for her Father ?

I can't wrestle her off the toilet, no. Neither do I think parenting is done by 'voice' (do you just mean shouting?)

Well the gentle parenting shit isn’t working is it? Too right I’d bloody shout at my kid if they were being cruel to cats and making my mother wet herself!!!!

And there is nothing wrong with being a nurse 😳

Sorry but I think the father being a sperm donor is maybe the answer here. Does she know this and have no father figure? How would you feel if this was you and yes it could be in the genes.

I don't like my DSG. She was a horrible brat as a kid and is turning into a nightmare teenager. I thank the stars I hardly ever see her.

Feel free to report me. Don’t troll hunt

Sorry, I am not being dismissive of nurses, my DGD would not want to be one is what I meant. Too much like hard work.

She takes up hobbies, expects to be brilliant at it without having to do any practice or put any effort in, then gets frustrated and drops it because it’s ’too hard!’
violin, piano, guitar, gymnastics, ballet… all dropped for being ‘too hard’
DD has always been very open. She was getting older and not in a relationship so decided to have a child alone. DGD has never asked anything further as far as I know.

Nothing wrong with being a nurse no, sorry, not my meaning.
Yes I’d have shouted at mine but I haven’t the energy to shout at DGD now.
Gentle parenting feels like fucking laziness imo