I don’t like my granddaughter

[SiliconHeaven]

Hello, as the title says, I don’t like her and it’s (obviously) affecting my relationships, I feel guilty and I’m trying my best to not think about that, and to re-frame the relationship in my mind. Does anyone have any tips or experiences? I feel like such a twat.

She’s nine, I love her, she was a lovely baby, the problems have developed over the years. I find that I don’t really want to visit like I used to and babysitting is a chore, I used to enjoy it so much.
I’m disabled, a wheelchair user. When I’m at my DDs house and I need to go to the toilet my DGD races every time to get in there before me if she sees me heading there. Any request to let me go first is met with sneers and refusal. She will then sit on the toilet for 20 minutes saying she hasn’t finished. I’ve wet myself a couple of times.

She is unpleasant about other people, things like saying she doesn’t want to be friends with the new girl at school because she’s too ugly, doesn’t want to watch a tv show because the actor is too fat, that sort of thing. No longer friends with so and so because they are poor. I’ve spent quite a lot of time trying to talk to her about not commenting on people’s appearance and not being judgemental but she doesn’t care.

They have pet cats, DGD clearly doesn’t like them, shouts at them and pushes them away if they are within reach, they know not to go anywhere near her because she’s been unpleasant to them since she was a baby.

DD says she’s ’spoken to her’ about the toilet thing. DGD just smiles and nods, every time it’s just ‘don’t do it again’

Yes. All the vile names are not helpful. However awful she's being, for whatever reasons, she's still only 9.

There must be still time to get this sorted. Her brain is nowhere near fully developed yet

What she's doing is absolutely wrong, unacceptable, not normal for her age and must be addressed, and OP should not give her the benefit of her company until it stops.

But writing her off as an inherently evil person who can't change and for whom there's no point in adult intervention isn't the solution.

Yes her mother needs to get a grip and start punishing her DD for her behaviour and showing her how to treat people and animals. She’s only 9 she has a bit of time left yet.
Lots of love with lots of discipline, it’s really not that hard.

Based on my encounters with some consultants, being an empathy devoid narcissistic sociopath is no handicap in getting on in the medical profession....

If that is the root cause then it won’t be something that can be grown out of. It either escalates till serious offences are committed or rarely the individual will spend their whole life and use up every last ounce of mental energy fighting the urge to harm.

I’m not sure where I stand on the whole nature/nurture thing. Also I genuinely don’t think that a small human has to be taught empathy, am I wrong? I thought it was human nature to care for others and animals. Maybe I’m just naive.

I think you do have to be taught empathy. But a loving parent does it naturally so we do not even notice it. For example, do not hit your brother it hurts him. Stroke the cat gently or you will hurt her.

Not sure about being taught empathy but many small children need to be taught to be considerate and less selfish, even adults sometimes have to remember to be more considerate

The problem are those who cannot be taught because they simply don’t care if they cause pain/distress, or perhaps even enjoy doing so. Not saying the OP’s granddaughter belongs in the latter category but, based on her behavior, she needs evaluation.

It's difficult to believe that she's popular. She's unkind to you and her pets. She makes unkind remarks about other children. These are not the hallmarks of a socially popular person. I would be very worried about her.

Of course small humans need to learn empathy. In fact, our natural human nature is to be cruel and indifferent - hence all the wars and genocide of times gone by. Children obviously lack it is spades and bully each other at school all the time.

Your DGD’s brain is still maturing and it’s not too late.

If your GDG has consequences, maybe counselling and has empathy modelled to her, she will most likely shape up to be OK by adulthood. She is not beyond redemption but you need to communicate with her mother how serious the issue is and that it has to be addressed.

I think babies and small children do have empathy. If one starts crying they all tend to join in. They can hurt each other because they don't understand they are hurting the other person or can't control all their actions but no I don't think we learn empathy, I think we learn to be cruel. By this GDs age they have learned how to be cruel and that needs sorting. She's getting a kick out of it and that needs to stop.

It's not Human Nature to be cruel and indifferent, it's just SOME people's nature. And wars and genocide are not caused by HUMAN nature, they are caused by MALE human nature - the Alphas for instigating it and the Betas for implementing it.

It's generally done organically as you raise your child.

You model it. You discuss it - a friend is upset, this is how you help, etc etc

What you don't do is never challenge them. Never 'criticise', never give consequences, never let them rule the roost.

They're more the marks of someone the others are afraid of because they don't want it to be their turn next

.

Sorry wrong thread 😂

SinisterBumFacedCat

Well that's a username

@SinisterBumFacedCat small digression to say I love that username!

This IS a child, not a monster. She has figured out her power. I am terribly tempted to say play her at her own game by saying you’re going to the loo when you don’t need to, letting her waste her time and then saying you no longer need to go. And repeat - in the hopes she’ll get bored. But, I feel that playing a child in this way is unlikely to be very effective. A direct conversation, name what she’s doing, name consequences, stick to them. Challenge it when she says mean things about people - and make it about the behaviour, not her. It’s ok to hold standards, to let her know you don’t like some of the things she does. If she’ll engage, get curious. Ask what she feels like when she’s mean to others.

That's fine for a parent but grandparents can't impose much in the way of consequences because we aren't "in charge" the mother has to do that. For the grandmother playing her at her own game is the only way other than refusing to babysit which punishes the mother not the child. Of course some might think the mother needs punishing but it depends if OP feels like doing that.

I have refused to babysit again and I have explained why. No idea what will happen now.
She said ‘ok then’ and ended the call.

You have absolutely done the right thing. It may hurt you but so will going back for more of this terrible treatment. The child needs to learn that she can't treat people this way and her mother needs to learn that she needs to take an active parenting role to correct the behaviour. You haven't rejected them or cut them from your life, you have simply let them know that you will not subject yourself to this appalling treatment.

Good for you for standing your ground, I’m sure your daughter will deal with your granddaughter and hopefully in a few months the situation will be resolved…. You don’t deserve to be disrespected by a child like that

Good 👍 glad you have taking that action and had a talk with your daughter and don't be emotionally manipulated to feel guilty in any way as i have a feeling that's exactly what will happen sooner or later,

Rember by taking this kind of action you are helping your daughter by encouraging her to step up with her parenting skills and your granddaughter in the long term will benefit heaps,
even though it will not seem like that at first to them,

Your daughter and granddaughter have taking you for granted for too long

they are lucky you have been such a supportive grandmother under the circumstances..

Well done for standing up to your daughter and putting a boundary in place. Your dd may not be able to see the consequences of her poor parenting choices today. Having an adult child / children, I am sure you can appreciate she will soon. I truly hope she comes to her senses before then and heeds what you have said.