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Original poster

Why is ex husband angry all the time, yet he married OW?

367 replies

pinkslippers2023 · 29/12/2023 19:02

Ex husband left me for OW. Married her and had two more children. Needless to say, the end of a long marriage was painful in the extreme, but it was 7 years ago now and I'm totally out the other side and very happy with my life.
That said, the ex husband seems to be full of rage towards me for some weird reason, considering it was HE who had the affair and left the family. He makes snidey comments to our kids about me and if I bump into him in the local area, he literally grimaces and looks like he'd like to rip my head off!
What the hell could be going on?

OP posts:
mottytotty · 29/12/2023 22:40

pinkslippers2023 · 29/12/2023 19:13

New kids are toddlers. Our joint kids are adults.
THe new wife is extremely jealous from what I hear.
Just makes this shit for all of our family as it'd be so much easier just to be pleasant after all these years !

I get that you are more mature and he’s a dick but given your kids are adults, why do you want things to be pleasant with him? Is it something to do with the kids fees or social occasions?

Surely you should just ignore him? If I saw an ex in the supermarket I’d just ignore them, let alone an ex husband who cheated on me.

PleaseBeADecentYear2024 · 29/12/2023 22:41

Hatenewyear · 29/12/2023 22:36

@HamBone
no I didn’t misread or misunderstand OP. If OP is so over her ex why is she still posting about him?

The same way someone might post about some random past acquaintance who seems to have some sort of unexplained rage for them? This one just happens to be an exH.

justasking111 · 29/12/2023 22:41

I know a man like this left my friend with two teenagers to finish raising. She had a good solicitor got to keep the house, 3k a month from the business and half his pension. He got to keep the business. The OW banned him from speaking to his children. She was raging that the money had to be paid out every month.

He's now retired and is henpecked and lonely with serious health issues with grandchildren now he can never see.

And the much younger other woman is bitter that the ex has a better lifestyle is living her best life.

Money or the lack of it may be gnawing at him.

Hatenewyear · 29/12/2023 22:43

mottytotty · 29/12/2023 22:40

I get that you are more mature and he’s a dick but given your kids are adults, why do you want things to be pleasant with him? Is it something to do with the kids fees or social occasions?

Surely you should just ignore him? If I saw an ex in the supermarket I’d just ignore them, let alone an ex husband who cheated on me.

Show quote history

I agree with this.

Why doesn’t she just ignore him if she’s so over him?

I have not had anything to do with my ex since the day I divorced him. I certainly don’t post on here about him, know nothing about his life and couldn’t care less. That’s because I’ve moved on!

HamBone · 29/12/2023 22:54

Hatenewyear · 29/12/2023 22:36

@HamBone
no I didn’t misread or misunderstand OP. If OP is so over her ex why is she still posting about him?

@Hatenewyear . I suppose I can understand the OP being mystified by his hostility. I mean what she says about seeing him in the supermarket is bizarre: he immediately looked like he'd gone from 1-1000 in the rage department and literally spat the words 'JUST GET AWAY FROM ME!'

I’d be wondering what on earth was up with him! As I said upthread, one of my friends continues to experience hostility from her ex-husband who left her 12 years ago. They only communicate about their youngest child now, but he seems to hate her, says nasty things in emails and texts, makes unpleasant comments about her to their children, etc. it’s almost as if he isn’t over her somehow.

No one enjoys being hated when they have no idea why.

StrawberryWater · 29/12/2023 22:56

He doesn't like his new life and is realising he's cocked everything up.

While you and all the people his age are looking forward to the twilight of their lives and the push towards retirement and being able to live their lives independently of children again (so lots of holidays and indulging in hobbies etc) he's back having to deal with toddlers and sleepless nights and the expense of bringing up more children again. Boo hoo. You reap what you sow.

That said OP. Why are you trying to engage with him? Just ignore in future.

TheaBrandt · 29/12/2023 22:58

There are men like this in Dh cycling club. Early 50s successful dump same age wives for 30 somethings…who then want kids of their own! Honestly can’t think of much worse than having to start that all over again. The first wives must find it hilarious that the dhs are back in the soft play years. They really really moan about it to the other men Dh has zero sympathy it’s his worst nightmare.

jeffuk2015 · 29/12/2023 23:02

Have you asked him? Sounds like he's putting on a performance.
Real men don't get angry when they've got a score to settle.
They stay quiet, cooperative, polite, smile and then make sure you get what's coming later.

Lifeomars · 29/12/2023 23:07

This makes for very interesting reading, on the rare occasions I bump into my ex he is always vile to me even though he left me for the OW and he never paid me any child support. He went on to have 3 kids with OW and then she left him and the kids!!!. I can't fathom why he hates me, he left because he found me "boring" after our baby was born, said he only married me because he felt sorry for me. He chose to leave, he was "in love" and all the rest of it. Reading all the replies does make me wonder if he hates me because things didn't turn out the way he thought they would. I rarely think about him but when I do, it is to wonder how he justifies never being emotionally or financially involved in our child's life. I now think he does this by casting me as some sort of totally evil bitch who forced him to make the choices that didn't turn out so well.

WilmaWonka · 29/12/2023 23:07

Ha ha this is hilarious OP. I’d just snort with laughter every time I see him. Certainly wouldn’t bother to say Hello to him if he’s going to behave like that.

I think that your joint DC are adults and 2nd batch are toddlers says it all. Obviously he must be feeling the reality of what the excitement of sex with an OW has led to but can’t blame his narcissistic self, or her, so blames you as you’re a stark reminder of the stress free, baby and toddler free life he could be leading!

Hope they give him hell all the way through to teenagerdom!

ChocolateCinderToffee · 29/12/2023 23:08

If he’d kept it in his trousers, he’d be looking forward to relaxed and comfortable middle years instead of which he’s got a looong time to go before he’s where you are. It sounds as though the OW isn’t as pleasant as he thought either.

Lifeomars · 29/12/2023 23:10

JustACountryMusicGirlInCowboyBoots · 29/12/2023 21:52

Mine is moving in with his new gf. He's miserable as sin and I'm smug as anything. Ow didn't work out even though he gave it 7 years of misery and two more kids. I hear he's had the snip now but it´s a shame the hospital didn't castrate him instead. Now he's onto number 4 and looks more gaunt, more cadaver-like and more scruffy and more miserable than ever. They don't like it up 'em OP! They need to be adored and needed and your ex has failed in making you regret not being with him.

I did laugh at your description of him, my ex looks like an animated unmade bed!

JustACountryMusicGirlInCowboyBoots · 29/12/2023 23:11

@Lifeomars mine hasn't got enough life in him to be deemed animated. Yours must be a better model.

WhereYouLeftIt · 29/12/2023 23:11

pinkslippers2023 · 29/12/2023 19:13

New kids are toddlers. Our joint kids are adults.
THe new wife is extremely jealous from what I hear.
Just makes this shit for all of our family as it'd be so much easier just to be pleasant after all these years !

So he's now living with toddlers and a jealous wife (because a man who marries his mistress creates a vacancy?), whilst you have adult children and are "totally out the other side and very happy with my life".

Nope, can't see any reason for him to get angry every time he sees you and is reminded of the difference between your lives.Grin

(It's a bit reminiscent of the scenario in the Meryl Street film "It's Complicated". )

LoveRules · 29/12/2023 23:16

I could have written this post so very interested to see the replies. After 20 years of supporting him and his dire 'mental health' (twunty behaviour toward me and his three kids) he can't bear to see me, have comms with me and is induced to a rage ball of fury. It's soooooo bloody weird when being so angry is so unhelpful and unnecessary.

My own view is that his narrative has made me out to be the baddie. I realised this the day I binned him off when he violently physically assaulted our weedy special needs son then 30 mins later told me it was self defence.

An ability to warp the truth so they are the wronged victims.
#bless

Tigger1895 · 29/12/2023 23:16

He’s unhappy that you are happy.

Grimchmas · 29/12/2023 23:18

He knows deep down that he was a shit. That's.... inconvenient to his ego, so he's rewritten history to make out that you're the asshole not him. He's sold that story to the OW (with her gleeful help) and they've told it to each other so much that he almost entirely believes it. He has to be angry at you to maintain the fragile facade that you were the baddie. If he is polite to you it might let in a crack of possibility that he's the wanker in the scenario, and that is unbearable to him.

TLDR: his ego is fragile and constructed on lies.

Lovemybunnies · 29/12/2023 23:24

Is anyone else feeling heart broken for all these poor second time around kids with dads who resent them? 😢

TheFormidableMrsC · 29/12/2023 23:27

My ex was like this with me. Absolutely hateful. I think the worst thing was when I was diagnosed with cancer and when I said I'd need some support with our 8 yo while I had treatment, OW decided to ban my child from visiting his father and as a result I got a stream of abuse from my him about how it was my fault, I'd brought it all on myself and he didn't give a fuck about my cancer. He was vile.

Yet let's have a look at him, he's with a frighteningly controlling narc who tracked his every move, he'd gone from well dressed and fit to unkempt, smelly and vastly overweight. Had a shit job that was created by OW. His whole normal life turned completely upside down. We have no contact with him now and she's moved him 700 odd miles away. He looked miserable and was terrified of her. I'm sure they're very happy.

Mochudubh · 29/12/2023 23:40

I have thankfully never been in your position OP but it made me smile that you are so indifferent to him that you treated him politely like a mere acquaintance and he reacted as if you'd pounced on him like a cougar.

I think the PP who said his new shag was in the next aisle had it right, She knows he'll happily shag behind his wife's back so she needs to keep a close eye.

Something he'll use as an excuse when he moves on, Again.

Viviennemary · 29/12/2023 23:42

He is angry because you have made a life without him. He is not a happy man.

SpringViolet · 29/12/2023 23:47

compactopera · 29/12/2023 19:08

Why do you care?

If should imagine there may well be occasions in the future, (graduations, weddings), with their joint DC where they will want both parents in attendance. OP may well care as if he’s behaving like that to her being polite in a quick exchange in the supermarket, how would he behave at an event like that possibly ruining it for everybody!

If it comes to that OP, I hope your DC will make it clear to him that they won’t tolerate such behaviour to their mother, who after all has more reason to be angry at him than he has at her.

TheFormidableMrsC · 29/12/2023 23:48

Workworkandmoreworknow · 29/12/2023 20:20

My ex is the same. In my opinion, people who have affairs are looking to get away from some thing that they mistakenly believe is their spouse. Reality is they are the problem, and the problem therefore just moves with them.

So when they look back, you appear happy, relaxed and problem-free and they just can't understand why. Hence the hate, 'cos you're OK, you 'won'.

I totally agree with this. They are absolutely the problem. My ex was searching for some sort of utopia that doesn't exist in the real world. He complained that I didn't run him bubble baths like a previous girlfriend. That was a massive issue. Seriously 🙄

Avatartar · 29/12/2023 23:48

WhiskyTangoFoxtrot · 29/12/2023 19:10

How old are your DC and how old are his second litter?

Perhaps he’s a bit tired of all the child-rearing, and there’s no end in sight.

This made me laugh a lot - let it wash over you OP, he’s clearly bonkers

JoBrandsCleaner · 29/12/2023 23:49

‘I'm totally out the other side and very happy with my life.’ - How dare you though?! Didn’t you know that you’re supposed to be miserable and just getting by having a miserable existence, waiting for the day when he wants you back. Men are just so special.