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Original poster

Dating in your fifties... why bother?

456 replies

Ellena646 · 04/08/2023 10:20

If I am brutally honest my experience of dating in my fifties has been: negging, below average sex, lazy WhatsApping (I mean who can't pick up the phone and say good morning) and what I am pretty certain is gaslighting infidelity cloaked as "it's just how the world of dating is now"... a bunch of greedy little boys with their hand stuck in the cookie jar that is OLD. Is it really worth the effort?

OP posts:
JamTomorrowToo · 21/10/2023 23:25

TheoTheopolis23 · 04/08/2023 10:51

When I was 35/36 I dated a 46 yr old man, he didn't do old himself (biggest technophobe I think I've encountered) but his acquaintances (around his age and older) did and what he relayed about their attitude to old, what they would say about old etc was very notable .... And possibly explains many women's experiences.

Basically they saw old as some kind of playground, as somewhere to find sex, as something almost not "real". The women using it were thought to be up for it & promiscuous or desperate (otherwise , in their view, why would they not just have met a man "naturally" in their area; after all men are (in their eyes) always on the look out and women have no trouble meeting men for dating and especially sex.

Because it was online, not "real", and often the women were some distance away; they seemed to feel they didn't owe the women the level of consideration they might if they knew them locally. Likewise their bad behaviour wouldn't t be likely to get back to people locally and their reputation wouldn't be affected. They could drop/block and wouldn't have to account for it.

Some saw the distance as an opportunity to cheat if they were partnered up. Not likely to get seen and caught like they would if they did it on their doorstep.

They projected their sex seeking onto women .... Even though most women probably weren't looking for sex.

When I did old briefly myself, I also suspected numerous men were attached and looking for bits on the side.

This explanation clarifies some of my own experience.

I think quite a few men I “met” online treated it as a bit of a joke, were very unserious about it. Almost no effort into profiles or photos or messaging or anything really. Made my life nice and peaceful though lol.

Watchkeys · 21/10/2023 23:35

minieggsandmaltesers · 21/10/2023 22:37

I went on a date Friday but just can't feel it. Nice bloke but he was the best of a bunch on there.
I honestly think it's pointless for women in their late 40s and 50s unless you are prepared to have a really low bar or accept an old man who likes sexting.

But whilst you think it's pointless, it works for many, so it isn't pointless. Your experience, and those of any handful of people who confirm your bias for you, aren't the only experience.

JamTomorrowToo · 22/10/2023 00:02

RantyAnty · 05/08/2023 06:45

A relationship and men just seems gross to me at this point. Maybe I've regressed back to boys have cooties phase.

Was a young widow and then had a Demi Ashton type marriage that ended.

I get asked out a lot but the thought of sex or a naked man makes my skin crawl. It's funny as I was such a horn dog

So there would be zero point to dating. Sex seems gross now, I don't want to cook, cleanup after, or nurse anyone, plus I don't want to share or pay for anything or do anything slightly I don't want to do, so I'm not sure what I'd get out of dating.

I share some of your viewpoints! The thought of sex or facing them in the morning eek!

However I suspect if I met someone I was attracted to that might (suddenly) change 😆. But that’s not so easy to arrange, it can only happen with the right person.

The other alternative is male companionship of course. Especially after late 50s. But even for that you have to be clear what you want and I wasn’t until more recently. Also I have high standards and could not spend more than 10 minutes with someone who bored me. So, again, not so easy to find.

So yeah it is a bit needle-in-a-haystacky. It’s nice if it happens (which I do think however is pretty unlikely for me anyway). And equally fine if it doesn’t.

JamTomorrowToo · 22/10/2023 00:29

@RantyAnty Actually, just now I think about it I am very ambivalent about it. The sexual cringe factor and work involved catering to someone else’s needs and whims seems like alot of work. They’d have to be a generous and special person for me to put any energy there.

Hellenabe · 22/10/2023 00:50

I gave up about 18m ago after another short lived relationship ended. I'd tried OLD for 6 years and though the men were nice, I literally only had a few 5 month relationships out of it. My abusive ex met someone within a month and has been together since.

I havent had sex in maybe 18m-2 years and I swear that libido has died now after all that disappointment. I'm not sure what to do, less attention on apps, a bruised heart and no sex drive. I'd go casual if I could avoid getting emotionally attached. I did have a casual FWB who was a real loser (hence I didn't get attached) but he fell for me. Bloody online dating, I really wish it worked for me.

Stealthtax · 22/10/2023 03:02

This reply has been deleted

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SamW98 · 22/10/2023 19:59

minieggsandmaltesers · 21/10/2023 22:37

I went on a date Friday but just can't feel it. Nice bloke but he was the best of a bunch on there.
I honestly think it's pointless for women in their late 40s and 50s unless you are prepared to have a really low bar or accept an old man who likes sexting.

Completely agree. I split with XDH in 2016 and had one relationship since.

I joined OLD at start of this year and as you say unless you set the bar really low or are happy to settle for no strings sex, it’s a waste of time.

Yes I know people who met their partners online but that was pre covid. Friends who have been OLD before and after lockdown day it’s changed massively in a negative way in a few years.

Even at 54 I get bombarded with likes and messages, probably 95% totally unsuitable.

Of the 5% I respond to, the majority either want a replacement wife to cook and clean, have almost no communication skills and/or start to get sleazy and sexual after a few days and prior to meeting.

I’ve actually only met 5 men in person since start of year and only 1 led to a second date. I’ve had naked and almost naked pics, I’ve had one start groaning on the phone (almost certainly masterbating 🤮) I’ve had far too many claim to want a relationship but then actually just want a FWB.

It’s absolutely grim out there right now. And this isn’t just me - all my single friends are having similar experiences.

And before anyone says about meeting people organically - I’m almost never home I’m out being social and networking all the time but it’s just not happening.

SoTiredOfIt · 22/10/2023 22:32

acpk55 · 04/08/2023 11:06

I mean who can't pick up the phone and say good morning

who in their right mind is going to ring up and say good morning 😂😂

BTW I’m a 50 something man, trying to date 50 something women and the entitlement / lack of effort in some is incredible, some seem have come out of long relationships or marriages and still expect everything to be arranged for them, some effort in their own dating life is needed

You sound like fun.

SoTiredOfIt · 22/10/2023 22:36

Curtainswithpompoms · 04/08/2023 12:54

I can’t imagine it. I met my DH in my 20s- I’m now 40 and him 50.
We have mutual friends who have divorced and have done a few years in the OLD world and it sounds as described above.

From my POV, it seems massively unappealing on every level. No criticism as I appreciate it could look different from the other side but I just think I’m so happy with my interests and other relationships that I can’t imagine putting myself through the trauma of OLD.

Do we really still get that giddy, hyper-sexual feeling when we’re older or is that just part of being young?

I would never want to become part of someone else’s family/ deal with ex wives or adult children of new partners. It’s all just too messy as we get older.

Agreed.

SoTiredOfIt · 22/10/2023 22:40

"Been married over 30 years, but if me and DH split or he died, hell would freeze over before I would date again (late 50s here...) Would rather poke out my eyes with hot pins than have to take the shitty men on online dating. I have heard nothing but bad things from women over 45 about the hideous men on there"

100% ageee @PurpleButterflyWings !!

SoTiredOfIt · 22/10/2023 22:46

@littlebopeepp234 women who are going through the menopause are just sick of their crap! This is very likely why they are single in the first place.

ChevyCamaro · 22/10/2023 23:00

Calling is extremely bad manners now unless a) pre agreed or b) an emergency.The only people who ever phone me are my husband and my parents. I haven't had a call from a friend in well over a decade.
Whaaat??
Ringing someone is rude now? I think I may have some inkling why no one has called you in a decade...😁😂

VanillaSox · 26/10/2023 08:24

Actually I agree about not ringing! I have lots of friends and a very active social life but we never ring -we WhatsApp and meet up -can’t stand talking on the phone and would be be very annoyed of someone called just to say good morning! Who has time for that? Must have very unbusy lives..

acpk55 · 26/10/2023 08:37

SoTiredOfIt · 22/10/2023 22:32

You sound like fun.

Show quote history

you don’t

beastlyslumber · 26/10/2023 08:44

I matched with someone a while back, got talking, we swapped numbers so he could message me. Then he called me! I didn't answer. Over the next couple of days he kept calling and eventually I messaged to say I'm busy, don't call me out of the blue, and he accused me of catfishing him and being a bot... He was slightly unhinged and paranoid. But yes, just rude to call someone without any advance warning.

I definitely think a phone call is a good idea before you meet someone, but obviously arrange it in advance! Or what I prefer these days are voice notes. You can tell a lot about someone from how they talk.

Livelifelaughter · 26/10/2023 17:58

VanillaSox · 26/10/2023 08:24

Actually I agree about not ringing! I have lots of friends and a very active social life but we never ring -we WhatsApp and meet up -can’t stand talking on the phone and would be be very annoyed of someone called just to say good morning! Who has time for that? Must have very unbusy lives..

Edited

I have lots of friends, busy social life, demanding job but a few minutes in the day talking to someone I care about is a few minutes to show that we are important to each other in the hustle and bustle of life and I have time for that.

Minimoto · 26/10/2023 19:36

Dating in your 50’s is just dire. I had a go once and gave up when I realised how bad it was and that I wasn’t particularly interested in it anymore anyway.

If not interested in sex, I don’t see the point. I have more in common with women than men anyway. Who wants to hear about football, cycling, golf or fishing. I had enough of that shit when married. I might just decide to live with another woman for company!

ProfessorPuffin · 27/10/2023 09:37

I (female, 50s) have not 'dated' as such, but have joined a Facebook dating group and it's been fab. I ride downhill mountainbike and the ration of men:women is around 20:1, so I have not been short of attention. The group rides have a better ratio of 6:4, and I can really recommend pursuing a traditionally male hobby.

However, I am also taking HRT with testosterone and my zest for living and libido have skyrocketed. So perhaps I am actually slowly tuning into a man ;-)

The apps have not held any appeal to me, as attraction just does not work for me that way, and I would not have chosen or even met my current fling at all. There is just too much potential to start selecting people based on some imaginary shopping list (tall, income, education, photogenic, etc.)

Also, the business model of the apps is set up to keep you looking and keep using them. I imagine that a dating system that wold actually work, would not be solely online, but would involve meet-ups (e.g., online speed-dating), and a more tailored and personalised approach to get people actually talking to each other.

Summerhillsquare · 27/10/2023 13:00

I frequently see here that getting a male dominated hobby is a thing. Couldn't cycle any distance so that's out. I wonder what else there is?

Petallove · 27/10/2023 15:16

I think the answer maybe is you need rules. Think about what matters to you. I have been seeing someone I met through old for a few months. He is a good communicator on what’s app. That mattered to me. We did phone calls too but not every day. I don’t like games and I won’t chase people. If anyone is to pushy about sex I back off. I think you can tell by conversation what someone is after. If not join more social things and go from there.

millymoo1202 · 27/10/2023 16:01

I’m in my 50’s, I definitely don’t want a phone call or even a good morning WhatsApp initially. What I don’t like is the initial hi, no effort whatsoever. The few I have messaged first I’ve had something to reply to their profile. I’ve met a good few for coffee but knew straight away no chemistry. Saw a guy gif a few months but he had too much baggage but the sex was amazing, like nothing I’d experienced before so I’m hoping for that again but long term

helpfulperson · 27/10/2023 19:07

I don't date in my 50s but most of those I know who do are looking for nice evenings/days out, plus ones for events and some good sex. Not daily whatsapp messages or any sort of commitment.

BatshitCrazyWoman · 29/10/2023 19:06

I did online dating in my 50s, I did okay, obviously there were some odd dates, but I had a two year relationship with someone I met online, until he had to move to the other end of the country. Then I did some, ahem, casual dating. Had a couple of FWBs. Was looking for a new one and met my current chap. We've been together over 4 years now. He's younger than me, perhaps that's the answer (I'm 59). He's decent, solvent, funny, intelligent. They are out there!

Livelifelaughter · 29/10/2023 22:58

BatshitCrazyWoman · 29/10/2023 19:06

I did online dating in my 50s, I did okay, obviously there were some odd dates, but I had a two year relationship with someone I met online, until he had to move to the other end of the country. Then I did some, ahem, casual dating. Had a couple of FWBs. Was looking for a new one and met my current chap. We've been together over 4 years now. He's younger than me, perhaps that's the answer (I'm 59). He's decent, solvent, funny, intelligent. They are out there!

I am glad it worked out, but I don't think it's that encouraging! I would be quite pissed off if I thought I was in a serious relationship and my bf then decided to move to the other end of the country....

MopeyDopey · 30/10/2023 00:16

“So there would be zero point to dating. Sex seems gross now, I don't want to cook, cleanup after, or nurse anyone, plus I don't want to share or pay for anything or do anything slightly I don't want to do, so I'm not sure what I'd get out of dating.”

this is where I am but I’d like companionship. I’m introverted and don’t want to be part of another family or social circle

it seems there aren’t men who want that and they want a porn style sex life. I would be relieved to meet a quiet guy who went fishing or cycling a lot and wasn’t constantly hanging around

i don’t want to share a bed either but I would probably like to live with someone for company

the dating landscape has changed a lot and I don’t understand it

In theory I agree that it’s better to meet someone naturally but in practice it’s hard and I don’t think meeting through hobbies is feasible as groups are limited

so I think I’m giving up and probably better with a dog