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Original poster

Dating in your fifties... why bother?

456 replies

Ellena646 · 04/08/2023 10:20

If I am brutally honest my experience of dating in my fifties has been: negging, below average sex, lazy WhatsApping (I mean who can't pick up the phone and say good morning) and what I am pretty certain is gaslighting infidelity cloaked as "it's just how the world of dating is now"... a bunch of greedy little boys with their hand stuck in the cookie jar that is OLD. Is it really worth the effort?

OP posts:
Livelifelaughter · 04/08/2023 15:03

acpk55 · 04/08/2023 11:06

I mean who can't pick up the phone and say good morning

who in their right mind is going to ring up and say good morning 😂😂

BTW I’m a 50 something man, trying to date 50 something women and the entitlement / lack of effort in some is incredible, some seem have come out of long relationships or marriages and still expect everything to be arranged for them, some effort in their own dating life is needed

You could easily say the same about men. BTW I'm a 50 something women.
Many men have left long relationships after their children have gone to university.
They have massive commitment issues, have led pretty independent lives in dead marriages and are after something casual but don't want to say it in case it's perceived poorly. Their lives are completely compartmentalised because they don't want to let their children (adults) know they are seeing anyone in case they think poorly of dad who is with a new girlfriend every 7 months...

DivineLillith · 04/08/2023 15:06

If someone expected me to msg Good morning every day I would dump them, I’m a woman btw.

As I would be ok financially solo I see zero reason to date again if the need arose.

coxesorangepippin · 04/08/2023 15:08

It doesn't sound good, let's face it

EmmaDial · 04/08/2023 15:13

@Ellena646 I am in the age bracket you mention. This morning over coffee I arranged a lunch date for Sunday. I am feeling quite pleased about it. OLD was not involved.
Almost feel I should apologise for being cheerful. Enjoy your weekend all of you.

acpk55 · 04/08/2023 15:24

Livelifelaughter · 04/08/2023 15:03

You could easily say the same about men. BTW I'm a 50 something women.
Many men have left long relationships after their children have gone to university.
They have massive commitment issues, have led pretty independent lives in dead marriages and are after something casual but don't want to say it in case it's perceived poorly. Their lives are completely compartmentalised because they don't want to let their children (adults) know they are seeing anyone in case they think poorly of dad who is with a new girlfriend every 7 months...

Show quote history

and I’m absolutely sure you are 100% correct.

the OP in this thread was complaining about men in their 50’s (me) being pretty rubbish, and I don’t think it’s unreasonable of me to respond, in my experience women in their 50’s are by no means perfect & a female poster upthread says they behave in the exact manner that I was talking about earlier 🤷🏼, go figure

PurpleButterflyWings · 04/08/2023 17:21

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littlebopeepp234 · 04/08/2023 17:41

acpk55 · 04/08/2023 11:06

I mean who can't pick up the phone and say good morning

who in their right mind is going to ring up and say good morning 😂😂

BTW I’m a 50 something man, trying to date 50 something women and the entitlement / lack of effort in some is incredible, some seem have come out of long relationships or marriages and still expect everything to be arranged for them, some effort in their own dating life is needed

Not saying you’re wrong but it works both ways. I’m late 30s and the amount of entitled men in their 50s who message me is unreal. They claim women in their 50’s are ‘menopausal’ and full of ‘drama’ and ‘too old with no life left in them’ and so want to date someone my age because we are ‘full of energy’ apparently and that sex is important to them so they need someone who is energetic! nah they just like the thought of sex with a much younger woman’

They lie about their age on their profile because they think we are stupid and won’t figure out their age! Or they’ll write something on their profile like ‘I’m not 43 I’m 57 but it won’t let me change my age’!!!

Original poster
Ellena646 · 04/08/2023 18:32

It's interesting that so many have picked up on the "good morning" issue via WA, so I will take that on board, but what about the crap sex, negging and gaslighting behaviour?!! Maybe that's just something that happens regardless of where you meet a man (I have not dated women so can't compare) and yes, I am sure some men out there are also having negative experiences with dating too... I guess if you meet a stranger there is going to be more work to do than if you meet though your social group or work where you might know more about them first of all...

OP posts:
SamW98 · 04/08/2023 18:44

Ellena646 · 04/08/2023 18:32

It's interesting that so many have picked up on the "good morning" issue via WA, so I will take that on board, but what about the crap sex, negging and gaslighting behaviour?!! Maybe that's just something that happens regardless of where you meet a man (I have not dated women so can't compare) and yes, I am sure some men out there are also having negative experiences with dating too... I guess if you meet a stranger there is going to be more work to do than if you meet though your social group or work where you might know more about them first of all...

Personally I’ve only had one relationship since my 25 year marriage broke up and yep gaslighting and pretty average sex were definitely involved but I see it now as a rebound.

I’ve deliberately taken a couple of years out to be single and enjoyed it a lot. Just dipping my toe into OLD last few months so it’s not for past a handful of dates and a few phone chats - though I’ve very quickly had the semi naked photos sent (thankfully not full frontals)

Im not taking it too seriously and I’m positive I don’t want to live with a man ever again so for me it’s fairly casual dating (but but casual sex) and going with the flow.

FunkyBuddha85 · 04/08/2023 19:01

I agree with you about the phone calls OP. I'm not bothered about the good morning calls or calls everyday but I do think it's nice to have a chat to hear their voice and see if we click.
I'm a bit younger at 38 but I've been OLD on and off for years and I would never meet in person if we don't speak on the phone before. It shows whether we're on the same wavelength or not. Doesn't have to be a long conversation. I've got a thing about voices anyway-shallow I know, but if I don't like a voice it can really turn me off.
I get some people hate voice calls and that's ok. Then they're not the person for me.

Original poster
Ellena646 · 04/08/2023 22:32

FunkyBuddha85 · 04/08/2023 19:01

I agree with you about the phone calls OP. I'm not bothered about the good morning calls or calls everyday but I do think it's nice to have a chat to hear their voice and see if we click.
I'm a bit younger at 38 but I've been OLD on and off for years and I would never meet in person if we don't speak on the phone before. It shows whether we're on the same wavelength or not. Doesn't have to be a long conversation. I've got a thing about voices anyway-shallow I know, but if I don't like a voice it can really turn me off.
I get some people hate voice calls and that's ok. Then they're not the person for me.

I hear that about the voice, it's important to me too...

OP posts:
Original poster
Ellena646 · 04/08/2023 22:36

littlebopeepp234 · 04/08/2023 17:41

Not saying you’re wrong but it works both ways. I’m late 30s and the amount of entitled men in their 50s who message me is unreal. They claim women in their 50’s are ‘menopausal’ and full of ‘drama’ and ‘too old with no life left in them’ and so want to date someone my age because we are ‘full of energy’ apparently and that sex is important to them so they need someone who is energetic! nah they just like the thought of sex with a much younger woman’

They lie about their age on their profile because they think we are stupid and won’t figure out their age! Or they’ll write something on their profile like ‘I’m not 43 I’m 57 but it won’t let me change my age’!!!

Show quote history

You should be with who you like but FYI men in their fifties have their own set of physical and mental problems that are right up there with "menopause" and "drama", but it's just not talked about as much because I think women can be much more tolerant of older men's "issues" than older men are of ours....

OP posts:
Luckydip1 · 04/08/2023 22:37

As long as you set your expectations low enough you should be fine...

Original poster
Ellena646 · 04/08/2023 22:43

EmmaDial · 04/08/2023 15:13

@Ellena646 I am in the age bracket you mention. This morning over coffee I arranged a lunch date for Sunday. I am feeling quite pleased about it. OLD was not involved.
Almost feel I should apologise for being cheerful. Enjoy your weekend all of you.

I hope it goes well for you... no need to apologise for being cheerful...

OP posts:
Original poster
Ellena646 · 04/08/2023 22:44

acpk55 · 04/08/2023 15:24

and I’m absolutely sure you are 100% correct.

the OP in this thread was complaining about men in their 50’s (me) being pretty rubbish, and I don’t think it’s unreasonable of me to respond, in my experience women in their 50’s are by no means perfect & a female poster upthread says they behave in the exact manner that I was talking about earlier 🤷🏼, go figure

Show quote history

I think as I read through this maybe men and women are having the same experiences... which is the point of these talks, to try and find out what others are experiencing because OLD is oddly isolated, unlike when you date in your own social pool. I am in no doubt that there are good men and women online, I just can't seem to find any!

OP posts:
EmmaDial · 05/08/2023 06:20

@Ellena646 Thanks for the good wishes. I hope things improve for you and others having a rough time.
I'm hoping we get weather for a walk on Sunday afternoon so we can chat and find out about each other.

toomanyleggings · 05/08/2023 06:28

If you want them to call, don’t reply to WhatsApp. If they’re interested they will call. If they don’t they weren’t interested anyway

PermanentTemporary · 05/08/2023 06:41

My experience was really positive to me though others might not think so!

I just took to it like a duck to water, possibly by keeping my expectations at floor level at all times. Essentially I approached it like being at a giant global nightclub; most people there are a bit pissed, unattractive, incompatible; it's still possible to have a lot of chats, flirting and fun, you've got a reasonable chance of a shag, relationships do happen but not while you're in the club.

Having a teenager still at home meant that WhatsApp was perfect for me. I only wanted sex for some time, so only went on hookup apps for quite a bit. There are a surprising number of guys on those who aren't averse to a relationship but that wasn't what I wanted. I met lots of 'fun for a few days' people. But I enjoyed it and in fact had some really good conversations and connections, even if short. Also some of the best sex I've ever had. Got some really good book and film recommendations too....

Then I decided it was time for a relationship and went on the dating apps... I do get that it can be depressing but I met dp very quickly. I think by that time I was so used to sorting through online stuff that I was genuinely quite efficient at it. I'd learned it was pointless for me to chat to people who can't spell or can't use words effectively because it bothers me. Any hint of anger, however brief (particularly the 'are there any real people on here' types) and I'm not interested. It is pretty pointless meeting someone you know for sure is not going to attract you, but you don't have to be actively attracted. Meet quickly or not at all, and no money involved in dates for some time. No exclusives until I choose to make it so, and that means he's allowed to see as many people as he likes too.

Obviously I think so because it works for me, but OLD means I actually got to choose a partner. I've never been approached for a date in real life (ok, once aged 21). And yet I'm a pretty good person to be in a relationship with.

RantyAnty · 05/08/2023 06:45

A relationship and men just seems gross to me at this point. Maybe I've regressed back to boys have cooties phase.

Was a young widow and then had a Demi Ashton type marriage that ended.

I get asked out a lot but the thought of sex or a naked man makes my skin crawl. It's funny as I was such a horn dog

So there would be zero point to dating. Sex seems gross now, I don't want to cook, cleanup after, or nurse anyone, plus I don't want to share or pay for anything or do anything slightly I don't want to do, so I'm not sure what I'd get out of dating.

EthicalNonMahogany · 05/08/2023 06:47

wow, it's like people are from another planet! It's perfectly OK to build strong connections with people using WhatsApp.

Yes a lot of people on OLD are awful, but as others have said it's just a tool.

I've said on other threads that if you do OLD you need to be able to use the tool to sift, and identify what are the red and green flags in men's dating behaviour - specific to the online context. Like if you were meeting a pub you'd be assessing body language, clothes, way of talking, who his friends ae, what drink he has in front of him... that tells you about the choices he makes which give you information about the kind of chap he is.

In OLD there are choices you make about how to use the Internet which tell you about someone's personality and values and what they are looking for. If you misinterpret them you get dates with the wrong folk for you and might end up thinking all the men are awful. They're absolutely not. From a reasonable amount of effort and messaging, I meet really good nice men, with compatible expectations, probably about at the rate of one every 6-8 weeks, exclusively online, and in that age bracket.

EthicalNonMahogany · 05/08/2023 06:51

@PermanentTemporary above gives a brilliant example of what I'd say is using the tool well - our posts crossed!

littlebopeepp234 · 05/08/2023 07:23

Ellena646 · 04/08/2023 22:36

You should be with who you like but FYI men in their fifties have their own set of physical and mental problems that are right up there with "menopause" and "drama", but it's just not talked about as much because I think women can be much more tolerant of older men's "issues" than older men are of ours....

Show quote history

I agree. I just find it really cruel how some of these men talk about women who are going through the menopause

DaisyDaisyDaisyDaisyDaisyDaisy · 05/08/2023 08:01

I don't have anything positive to add to this. I hated OLD for different reasons and don't do it anymore. What stuck out like a sore thumb for me was the No Drama!! demands most profiles had right at the top ( above the 'No Filters' and 'you'd better look like your photos or you're paying for the drinks until you do' comments). I couldn't help but wonder (best Carrie voice...) is this a demand women ever put on their profile? I don't know because I've never seen one.
This is men in their 50's. I found the whole experience grim and depressing.

CringeLicious · 05/08/2023 08:25

Watchkeys · 04/08/2023 12:40

Lots comes out of it. Many people are happily married now, and met via OLD.

Show quote history

Met my partner OLD 8 years ago, when in my 50s. Married last year, bought house together in May, bliss. Perhaps I’m lucky.

Greenwitchhorse · 05/08/2023 08:25

@Watchkeys

''It's only disappointing because you expect them to make an effort''

Daft.

Of course you expect people to make an effort to come across well when dating, be able to communicate and not be rubbish/lazy lovers...

Raise your expectations...