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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating in your fifties... why bother?

456 replies

Ellena646 · 04/08/2023 10:20

If I am brutally honest my experience of dating in my fifties has been: negging, below average sex, lazy WhatsApping (I mean who can't pick up the phone and say good morning) and what I am pretty certain is gaslighting infidelity cloaked as "it's just how the world of dating is now"... a bunch of greedy little boys with their hand stuck in the cookie jar that is OLD. Is it really worth the effort?

OP posts:
SquashPenguin · 05/08/2023 08:30

They aren’t all bad! My mum started online dating in her 50’s, met a wonderful man. They’ve been together for 12 years and married for 8 now!

VanillaSox · 05/08/2023 08:44

Watching with interest! I came out of a long marriage and then had an 18 month relationship with a lovely man I met in RL who is moving abroad-might have been still in it if I had read more threads about boundaries etc. Dipped briefly into one of apps (Bumble) but too scared to pursue anything. I actually saw on there some people I know including a man I know as I know socially and is very nice and so am waiting for the opportunity to arise at a hobby event to get to know him without revealing I have seen him on an app 🤣

DilemmaDelilah · 05/08/2023 08:49

Because you might meet the love of your life? To be fair I was 45, not in my 50s. Been together ever since, got married after 10 years, been married 7 years.
I wasn't looking for a life partner, I really wanted someone to see at weekends maybe, certainly nobody to live with, and then I met a fantastic man who turned all my ideas upside down.

VanillaSox · 05/08/2023 09:07

Well I just signed up to Bumbke and in the few minutes I was on I got several likes so it is clearly BS! And the men it showed were all far too young. So have snoozed and will probably delete.

EBearhug · 05/08/2023 09:44

I spent most of last year on OLD, and I had an awesome time, lots of great sex. Yes, I met a couple of idiots, too, but I also had nice dates with men who were fine, but I knew it wouldn't go further (which surely is the point of going on a date, to see if you get on in person?) Even the bad ones make entertaining stories.

I do expect first dates to be 50:50 cost-wise. I suggest places to meet probably more often than men do, partly because I encourage them to come to my town, and I know what places are around (and how to get away, should it be necessar; it hasn't.) But I have also travelled to them, or met half way.

I'd rather text, but prearranged phone calls are fine. I've also done vidro calls. They can piss off if they want to call every morning, though. Fine it's genuinely urgent, but not to say hello. I've always preferred text-based communication, though, and used to write a lot of letters rather than phone people, so took to email and text like a duck to water. But I do understand we all have different communication styles. If they insist on phone calls only, we're probably not compatible, but others would welcome that.

There are some great men out there. Also some really terrible ones. There are probably some for whom I'm the terrible date story. And I'm hopeful I've had my last first date, but who knows? But being single is also fine - I've spent many years being so, so a man needs to enhance my life to become part of it.

MissSmiley · 05/08/2023 10:13

It's great to hear stories from people who have met someone but with all respect the dating apps have changed a lot in the last five years, anyone who met someone ten or fifteen years ago won't have a clue about the BS that goes on nowadays. I don't know what the answer is but I think we're due a change. The dating apps are very misleading, there needs to be some research done about how successful they are, I think they cause a lot of people considerable distress

Ellena646 · 05/08/2023 10:24

This is all so fascinating... I know my initial message sounded grumpy and a bit hostile but I am learning a lot here... I was married when a lot of you lovely people met great partners on apps years ago, so maybe I am in the new era which is quite hard to navigate, but I guess like anything else it might just take practice....

OP posts:
Ellena646 · 05/08/2023 10:31

toomanyleggings · 05/08/2023 06:28

If you want them to call, don’t reply to WhatsApp. If they’re interested they will call. If they don’t they weren’t interested anyway

Yeah to be clear I didn't mean every morning, that would be annoying! I meant at the outset and once you're into it for a few months, the ability to move off WA for calls that might take a bit longer... you can talk for a minute or two on the phone which is much faster than typing away for ten minutes because you have to wait for them to reply, and sometimes you are left on read for ages and don't know the answer... I guess I just find phone calls quicker and more efficient for certain things... not everyone can spend all day on WA going backwards and forwards typing all day long!

OP posts:
Ellena646 · 05/08/2023 10:41

MissSmiley · 05/08/2023 10:13

It's great to hear stories from people who have met someone but with all respect the dating apps have changed a lot in the last five years, anyone who met someone ten or fifteen years ago won't have a clue about the BS that goes on nowadays. I don't know what the answer is but I think we're due a change. The dating apps are very misleading, there needs to be some research done about how successful they are, I think they cause a lot of people considerable distress

I think the OLD companies are not really invested in people meeting their soul mates or life partners because then we would never pick up subscriptions again.. they are a business that relies on repeat sales so if you think about it (cynically) their ideal user is looking for hook ups or short term relationships (no judgement here btw if that's your thing go for it) but anyone wanting to use the app for a year, find a life partner and never go back is probably not their ideal user!

OP posts:
Ellena646 · 05/08/2023 10:46

SquashPenguin · 05/08/2023 08:30

They aren’t all bad! My mum started online dating in her 50’s, met a wonderful man. They’ve been together for 12 years and married for 8 now!

Thank you for sharing that, it's nice to hear... I am glad for your Mum and you, it must be nice to see her happy....

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 05/08/2023 10:48

I think that the dating apps know that there will be an endless stream of people wanting relationships, because most people aren't compatible with most people, and most people want to be in a relationship.

They don't have to manipulate or play on that. They don't have to rely on repeat sales any further than the average length of time it takes people to meet a partner in any circumstance, not just OLD. I'd bet that most people have looked and waited for a partner at some point in their lives, for some length of time. That doesn't change, whichever method of meeting we use. Their ideal user is someone who is looking for a partner. When that person finds a partner, someone else will be looking, so they don't need to entice short term/hookup seekers. There are sites that do, but it's not the same market.

SamW98 · 05/08/2023 10:59

VanillaSox · 05/08/2023 09:07

Well I just signed up to Bumbke and in the few minutes I was on I got several likes so it is clearly BS! And the men it showed were all far too young. So have snoozed and will probably delete.

You can change your setting to only show certain age and distance ranges. Otherwise you see literally everyone who’s on there.

It is like wading through treacle but worth persevering with if you don’t take it too seriously.

SamW98 · 05/08/2023 11:06

Ellena646 · 05/08/2023 10:24

This is all so fascinating... I know my initial message sounded grumpy and a bit hostile but I am learning a lot here... I was married when a lot of you lovely people met great partners on apps years ago, so maybe I am in the new era which is quite hard to navigate, but I guess like anything else it might just take practice....

Like you I was in a very long relationship and hadn’t had a date since about 1988!! So the single world has changed beyond recognition.

Ive been happily single for 3 years now but sipping my toe back in. I’m in no rush though. I’m definitely not looking for hook ups or casual sex, it’s just not for me. But equally not looking to get married again.

I’ve had a few dates with nice guys but no spark. I’ve chatted to my fair share of idiots but weeded them out fairly quickly. And yes I’ve had a couple of semi naked photos - no disrespect but why would they think we want to see their 50 year old arse?

Im meeting a guy today. We matched last Saturday, a fee messaged then he asked if we could have a phone chat which lasted 2 hours. Has a few phone called this week all over 2 hours so we certainly communicate well.

Im going today with no huge expectations. If there’s a connection then great but if not it’s a nice evening in a lovely bar with a friend.

Good luck

Ellena646 · 05/08/2023 11:11

SamW98 · 05/08/2023 11:06

Like you I was in a very long relationship and hadn’t had a date since about 1988!! So the single world has changed beyond recognition.

Ive been happily single for 3 years now but sipping my toe back in. I’m in no rush though. I’m definitely not looking for hook ups or casual sex, it’s just not for me. But equally not looking to get married again.

I’ve had a few dates with nice guys but no spark. I’ve chatted to my fair share of idiots but weeded them out fairly quickly. And yes I’ve had a couple of semi naked photos - no disrespect but why would they think we want to see their 50 year old arse?

Im meeting a guy today. We matched last Saturday, a fee messaged then he asked if we could have a phone chat which lasted 2 hours. Has a few phone called this week all over 2 hours so we certainly communicate well.

Im going today with no huge expectations. If there’s a connection then great but if not it’s a nice evening in a lovely bar with a friend.

Good luck

I hope you have a lovely evening...

OP posts:
SquashPenguin · 05/08/2023 11:56

@Ellena646 Shes very happy! Her and my dad divorced after 25yrs together. Their relationship was terrible and the whole family was unhappy. The split was nasty (thanks to my dad) and she had an awful time of it. I think it was her friend who convinced her to try OLD as she had herself met a lovely man. My mum met a couple of people after much persuasion and then she met my step- dad. It changed her life completely, I’ve never known her so happy! She moved to the village he lived in and now she has a whole other social circle. They’ve both recently retired in the last year, and are constantly on holiday, or in London at a concert, or at someone’s garden party! She’s absolutely proof that it can work out. Wishing you the best of luck!!

EBearhug · 05/08/2023 14:31

The dating apps are very misleading, there needs to be some research done about how successful they are, I think they cause a lot of people considerable distress

Their success is that people sign up and get enough dates that they keep trying. If everyone who signed up paired off, they'd do themselves out of business. It's like weightloss organisations - if every member always got to their target weight and maintained it, there wouldn't be enough overweight people left for there to be a business.

Ellena646 · 05/08/2023 16:30

SquashPenguin · 05/08/2023 11:56

@Ellena646 Shes very happy! Her and my dad divorced after 25yrs together. Their relationship was terrible and the whole family was unhappy. The split was nasty (thanks to my dad) and she had an awful time of it. I think it was her friend who convinced her to try OLD as she had herself met a lovely man. My mum met a couple of people after much persuasion and then she met my step- dad. It changed her life completely, I’ve never known her so happy! She moved to the village he lived in and now she has a whole other social circle. They’ve both recently retired in the last year, and are constantly on holiday, or in London at a concert, or at someone’s garden party! She’s absolutely proof that it can work out. Wishing you the best of luck!!

That is a wonderful story thank you for sharing it, it's properly cheered me up!

OP posts:
80s · 06/08/2023 15:03

anyone wanting to use the app for a year, find a life partner and never go back is probably not their ideal user
They don't get to choose who uses their apps, or how. Even if they set it up to work best for hookups, that doesn't mean everyone on there is looking for hookups. And even if they are looking for a hookup, that doesn't mean they will just find a hookup. Tinder was supposed to be all about hookups, wasn't it, but it's naturally evolved into something broader and loads of marriages have come out of it.
I used a couple of dating apps, just looking for fun - someone to go with to couply things (and to bed) after my marriage ended. Found a mix of people on there. The first guy I actually dated properly (i.e. more than 2/3 dates) was also just looking for fun; we went out casually for more than a year then called it a day. Second guy I dated properly was open to anything (just fun or whatever), we've been together 7 years.
On each occasion, I used the app for about 2 weeks, contacted maybe 7 or 8 men and met up with 3 men before finding one I fancied actually going out with. (As I just wanted a bit of fun, I was happy to date anyone who seemed reasonably compatible.)
So if anyone expected me to use the apps for a whole year, they would have been quite disappointed :D

EmmaDial · 06/08/2023 17:13

@Ellena646 Just to remark, We met had a nice walk and talked for ages. We are planning to spend next weekend together.

Ellena646 · 07/08/2023 01:21

EmmaDial · 06/08/2023 17:13

@Ellena646 Just to remark, We met had a nice walk and talked for ages. We are planning to spend next weekend together.

That's great I am glad you had a nice time... good luck for next weekend...

OP posts:
RattleRattle · 07/08/2023 10:46

This reply has been deleted

This user is a goady troll so we've removed their posts.

Nursercurser · 21/10/2023 20:45

I'm just glad I'm happily married after reading this thread. I have had moments of boredom but he is my best friend as well as my husband so I'm just thanking my lucky stars!

80s · 21/10/2023 22:17

I thought I had it all tied up too, at 45. Things can change.

minieggsandmaltesers · 21/10/2023 22:37

I went on a date Friday but just can't feel it. Nice bloke but he was the best of a bunch on there.
I honestly think it's pointless for women in their late 40s and 50s unless you are prepared to have a really low bar or accept an old man who likes sexting.

ThelmaBorden · 21/10/2023 23:10

but if you met the right person it wouldn’t be a bother? would it?
date with care always of course