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Original poster

Dating in your fifties... why bother?

456 replies

Ellena646 · 04/08/2023 10:20

If I am brutally honest my experience of dating in my fifties has been: negging, below average sex, lazy WhatsApping (I mean who can't pick up the phone and say good morning) and what I am pretty certain is gaslighting infidelity cloaked as "it's just how the world of dating is now"... a bunch of greedy little boys with their hand stuck in the cookie jar that is OLD. Is it really worth the effort?

OP posts:
oviraptor21 · 04/08/2023 12:42

Ellena646 · 04/08/2023 11:26

Yeah it's not just the "good morning" though the whole conversations are on WA which is just lazy... they can't use a phone anymore... and the emojis... urggghhh my teenagers use those to convey emotions, stop!

Show quote history

I WhatsApp all the time and I use emojis. I'm in my 50s although I'm not OLD. If I was I'd fit right in 😃

Atalanta1 · 04/08/2023 12:48

I met my DP naturally, in my early forties. We were neighbours. I’d much rather meet people fluidly…just in my (very remote) area there are nice pubs and music shows, events, where I would try so there must be more places elsewhere! People got together successfully prior to the existence of the internet. I’d never do OLD again after bad experiences previously.

oviraptor21 · 04/08/2023 12:53

And if I wanted to catch up I'd do a video call - much more fun than a phone call.

Curtainswithpompoms · 04/08/2023 12:54

I can’t imagine it. I met my DH in my 20s- I’m now 40 and him 50.
We have mutual friends who have divorced and have done a few years in the OLD world and it sounds as described above.

From my POV, it seems massively unappealing on every level. No criticism as I appreciate it could look different from the other side but I just think I’m so happy with my interests and other relationships that I can’t imagine putting myself through the trauma of OLD.

Do we really still get that giddy, hyper-sexual feeling when we’re older or is that just part of being young?

I would never want to become part of someone else’s family/ deal with ex wives or adult children of new partners. It’s all just too messy as we get older.

FinallyHere · 04/08/2023 12:55

Yeah it's not just the "good morning" though the whole conversations are on WA which is just lazy

Phone calls have their place, but I much prefer text/WA for most messages. The recipient can choose when to read them and don't need to make a note of eg a time agreed because it's there in the text.

I like to wake up to a 'good morning' text. We are all different. It's about finding someone who is a good fit for you.

SamW98 · 04/08/2023 12:55

My OLD experience so far in my 50’s has been pretty grim tbh.

Im reasonably attractive, well presented, sociable, own home etc but I just seem to attract either men who want to start sex talk after a couple of messages, monosyllabic ones or those who want to send semi nude photos prior to a date.

Im happy to plan dates, pay my way etc but the pickings are definitely slim

Saying that I’ve got a date tomorrow which seems promising but I just go with flow and don’t have any real expectations

SamW98 · 04/08/2023 12:57

oviraptor21 · 04/08/2023 12:53

And if I wanted to catch up I'd do a video call - much more fun than a phone call.

That’s where we are all different I’d rather stick pins in my eyes than do a video call. The idea fills me with horror

I’m happy messaging via WhatsApp and having phone calls but not daily calls.

SamW98 · 04/08/2023 13:03

acpk55 · 04/08/2023 11:47

That’s it exactly !

, I’ve had 5 dates with 3 different women this year ( all over 50), not one proposed a date or location or paid for anything ( which doesn’t bother me), but the absolute lack of any effort is so disappointing,

Show quote history

I’ve had 3 dates this year and a 4th tomorrow and in all but the first one, I chose the location - after a discussion about what area was best - I also always offer to pay my share but it’s always been refused.

Watchkeys · 04/08/2023 13:04

acpk55 · 04/08/2023 12:23

@Watchkeys , yep that’s exactly what I do , no effort after 2 dates and in the bin they go

No idea why people don't expect it to be this way. Do they really think that their dream partner is just going to rock up straight away with no filtering/discovering that some people aren't for you/finding people who don't put the same effort in as you etc?

It's like going fishing and expecting to catch lots of record breaking specimens and no minnows. Compatibility is unusual; if it wasn't we wouldn't need to look for dates in the first place, we could just go for walk in town and meet our perfect match easily!

CornishGem1975 · 04/08/2023 13:06

I think if I had been talking to someone for a few weeks and they started to unload their bad days on me, I would want to avoid them as well really first few weeks are supposed to be happy and upbeat, no emotional unloading , after 6 months maybe 🤷🏼

Exactly this. Phone is such an intrusion too, messaging is so much easier.

Watchkeys · 04/08/2023 13:09

Exactly this. Phone is such an intrusion too, messaging is so much easier

for you.

There are no rights and wrongs. Phone isn't an intrusion for everybody. Messaging isn't easier for everybody. There's such an air of there being a right and a wrong way of doing things, no wonder people get disappointed.

CreationNat1on · 04/08/2023 13:10

acpk55 · 04/08/2023 11:06

I mean who can't pick up the phone and say good morning

who in their right mind is going to ring up and say good morning 😂😂

BTW I’m a 50 something man, trying to date 50 something women and the entitlement / lack of effort in some is incredible, some seem have come out of long relationships or marriages and still expect everything to be arranged for them, some effort in their own dating life is needed

😆😆😆😆 Some very good comments on here.

I OLD and I expect the men to put in ALL the effort, because most of them view it as hook up game, so best to leave them do all the work, because they sure as hell drop the women as soon as there is a lad night out or a bigger, better, deal.

80s · 04/08/2023 13:32

Atalanta1 · 04/08/2023 12:48

I met my DP naturally, in my early forties. We were neighbours. I’d much rather meet people fluidly…just in my (very remote) area there are nice pubs and music shows, events, where I would try so there must be more places elsewhere! People got together successfully prior to the existence of the internet. I’d never do OLD again after bad experiences previously.

OLD was perfect for me the couple of times I did it as I was looking for someone well outside my circle of friends and neighbours (did not want to bump into my ex!), and I had some quite specific wishes that the OLD filters and profiles helped with, as I am a foreigner in an area that is known for not being foreigner-friendly.

I also went out and looked in real life, but I got a lot more offers online. I'm in a decent-sized city. When you're in a remote area, it makes sense that there might be slim pickings through OLD.

OLD is not for everyone but it would be a shame if people were put off of it altogether just because someone who might have a totally different approach to them didn't like it. I also like going out to dance to loud music in clubs. Many people my age would find that a terrible way of picking up dates, but that doesn't mean it's bad for everyone.

acpk55 · 04/08/2023 13:34

SamW98 · 04/08/2023 13:03

I’ve had 3 dates this year and a 4th tomorrow and in all but the first one, I chose the location - after a discussion about what area was best - I also always offer to pay my share but it’s always been refused.

Show quote history

I think that’s the key difference, not one the women even offered to go half, I would have probably refused as well, but the offer would be noted, but to just sit there and not offer is ridiculous really

acpk55 · 04/08/2023 13:35

CreationNat1on · 04/08/2023 13:10

😆😆😆😆 Some very good comments on here.

I OLD and I expect the men to put in ALL the effort, because most of them view it as hook up game, so best to leave them do all the work, because they sure as hell drop the women as soon as there is a lad night out or a bigger, better, deal.

Show quote history

What can I say, football is pretty important ⚽️😂😂

Watchkeys · 04/08/2023 13:36

@acpk55

Then don't date them again. Keep looking until you find what you want. Is there actually a problem with dating and finding that some people aren't right for you?

SamW98 · 04/08/2023 13:43

acpk55 · 04/08/2023 13:34

I think that’s the key difference, not one the women even offered to go half, I would have probably refused as well, but the offer would be noted, but to just sit there and not offer is ridiculous really

Show quote history

Thats just rude and entitled. I think most men are happy to pay for the first date but the woman should show she’s willing to contribute not just sit on her hands and hide her purse when the bill arrives. I’ve always been the same though even back in the late 80’s which was last time I dated

You can see on some these threads though that the outdated attitude is still there and often women on here who say they split the bill are ridiculed as letting men take the piss, desperate, mugs etc.

Ive got a date tomorrow with a guy who lives about 45 minutes away so we chatted on phone, agreed to meet in a town midway between us and as I know the area better, I’ve suggested a nice bar. That’s pretty reasonable imo. And yes I will be taking my debit card out 🤣

acpk55 · 04/08/2023 13:47

@Watchkeys
no, there is no problem - it just amuses me as I sometimes read this forum and how women say that men in their 50’s don’t do this that or the other & I think about my own experiences dating women in their 50’s and how they behave almost exactly the same sometimes 😂

PurpleButterflyWings · 04/08/2023 13:52

acpk55 · 04/08/2023 11:06

I mean who can't pick up the phone and say good morning

who in their right mind is going to ring up and say good morning 😂😂

BTW I’m a 50 something man, trying to date 50 something women and the entitlement / lack of effort in some is incredible, some seem have come out of long relationships or marriages and still expect everything to be arranged for them, some effort in their own dating life is needed

THIS ^ kind of illustrates your point @Ellena646 Wink

Been married over 30 years, but if me and DH split or he died, hell would freeze over before I would date again (late 50s here...) Would rather poke out my eyes with hot pins than have to take the shitty men on online dating. I have heard nothing but bad things from women over 45 about the hideous men on there.

Deargodletitgo · 04/08/2023 13:55

From my experience with OLD, the men i tended to be interested in (met my criteria) seemed to have full interesting lives and if someone could bring more interest and fun into it, then great but they weren't needing a relationship to fulfill them. If a talking or date doesn't work out, plenty of more fish in the sea

Many women on here seem quite the opposite, seeking a relationship as some goal, thinking good men are scarce and they can't live on their own. Also suspect they are looking for men with lots to bring to the table with little consideration of what they bring to it - apart from some entitled sense they are doing men a favour. sex is a transaction for a relationship, rather than from desire and attraction, i do wonder if lots of the ghosting after getting "intimate" is because they are boring in bed

acpk55 · 04/08/2023 14:26

@SamW98
have a great time 👍

Gettingbysomehow · 04/08/2023 14:32

I'd sooner shoot myself in the foot. If I'm going to meet someone it will be through friends and hobbies not dating sites.

Crikeyalmighty · 04/08/2023 14:56

I think it's a much better bet for 50 odd year old guys than it is women-

YukoandHiro · 04/08/2023 15:01

80s · 04/08/2023 10:30

lazy WhatsApping (I mean who can't pick up the phone and say good morning)
I'd be pissed off if someone phoned me to say good morning. I'd rather have a whatsapp. Maybe they are trying to stay in touch without getting on your nerves, rather than being lazy.

Agree with this. Not sure if it's a generation thing but I'm in my 40s and when I was dating even in my early 20s calling like that would have been I heard of - you would text to say good morning, if that. Calling is extremely bad manners now unless a) pre agreed or b) an emergency.
The only people who ever phone me are my husband and my parents. I haven't had a call from a friend in well over a decade. Even the ones who live abroad organise a FaceTime in advance by text; no calling ever occurs.

acpk55 · 04/08/2023 15:02

PurpleButterflyWings · 04/08/2023 13:52

THIS ^ kind of illustrates your point @Ellena646 Wink

Been married over 30 years, but if me and DH split or he died, hell would freeze over before I would date again (late 50s here...) Would rather poke out my eyes with hot pins than have to take the shitty men on online dating. I have heard nothing but bad things from women over 45 about the hideous men on there.

Show quote history

try meeting the women