Dating in your fifties... why bother?

[Ellena646]

If I am brutally honest my experience of dating in my fifties has been: negging, below average sex, lazy WhatsApping (I mean who can't pick up the phone and say good morning) and what I am pretty certain is gaslighting infidelity cloaked as "it's just how the world of dating is now"... a bunch of greedy little boys with their hand stuck in the cookie jar that is OLD. Is it really worth the effort?

For me 3 months is ridiculous to not be exclusive. Back in the day when I was young you just wouldn't entertain seeing other people whilst dating someone else. You didn't even need to have that conversation, it was just an unsaid agreement. Who actually wants to invest 3 months into something that isn't exclusive? Certainly not me. Once you are dating with some regularity I expect it to be exclusive or I'll walk away.

I agree. I’m not sleeping with anyone who’s still on the look out for a better offer or sleeping with others. Maybe some will say I’m old fashioned but sorry I’m a mature adult, I’m not playing these games or doing the puck ne dance.

With the few longer term relationships i had, both the men brought it up first and early that they didnt multi date so wanted to see how things with us went. Thankfully really as i never multidated.

*pick me dance - I hate this new predictive text update on my phone 😡

I agree. No way am I doing a pick me dance. If I'm not the prize then I'll walk away. There's actually something quite seedy about 50+ men multi-dating and sleeping with numerous women. If that's what makes them happy then cool, they can get on with their shallow lives, but it's definitely not for me. As soon as the discussions happen around having sex, I expect it to be exclusive. I appreciate that's not everyone's stance, but it is mine.

I’ve deleted all the apps now. It really didn’t work for me and I got so bored having the same chats over and over again then only actually meeting a tiny % of them and not fancying any of them.
I’ve got a busy life and I’ll keep on socialising with my friends. If I meet someone in the wild then all well and good but I’ve realised I’m not actually that bothered.

I just briefly went on a dating app I was on 4 years ago (long story as to why I popped in). Admittedly it is a very niche app with a limited audience. But I recognised a huge chunk of the faces on there. After 4 years!

I'm with you @SamW98 . I'm supposed to have a date tomorrow with someone I've been chatting to sporadically for a few weeks but I have a feeling it won't materialise. I am then done. God knows I've tried to meet someone half way decent and half way on the same page as me but needle in a haystack comes to mind. Time to move on. Accept what is not going to be and focus more on an actual real life rather than a fantasy. Thankfully I have a full and busy life so I'm grateful for that and will just get on with it. The apps are soul destroying for me and I need to regroup without the distraction of them quite frankly.

If you are online dating wouldn't you expect a data a week ? I would hope for that, is that completely unrealistic ?

Have you ever tried online dating ? t's possible but only if you actually just went out with anyone...

@daisydaily

Its just not for me, I’ve come to that realisation.

I went back on Bumble after a break and literally didn’t swipe right on anyone within a 25 mile radius - I just thought to myself ‘what’s the point of this?’ I’ve had a handful of mediocre dates and the one man I did click with had more baggage than Gatwick.

Sorry to those who have been having a rough time. I've been having non stop sex and conversation with the man I've been dating for a while. It's casual, he's younger than me and we want different things in life. But we are having an amazing time getting to know each other and I'm happy. I never would have met him in real life but we matched on an app and thought it was worth a date.

Just wanted to say for all the negativity and bad experiences people have had with OLD, it really isn't all like that! You might meet someone lovely!

@Neurodiversitydoctor I'd say its different for women who are more selective. I rarely meet anyone worth chatting to, let alone have time for one new date per week. My ex was very tall, great shape, not too gorgeous but nice looking plus no kids. Obviously inundated!

Yep. I’m lucky if I find one man every few weeks I get into a good conversation with. Personally the idea of dating a different man every week sounds like hell on earth. Who could be bothered with that?

I see nothing wrong with dating around, dating multiple people at one time. Why not? Why latch onto one person before you barely know them?

I'm not into having sex with someone who is sexing with multiple partners simultaneously, but that's more about STIs and aesthetics, not morals or jealously. Couldn't care less who sleeps with who but I don't want shared bodily fluids or worse. That's why I was not quick to hop into the sack, past the age of 30 or so. Just sort of icky.

But dating, doing fun things? Not a problem for me if they are making new friends and I am making multiple new friends. I'd rather have someone with a robust social life than a hermit who feels the need to devote themselves to one person on bare acquaintance. Why not play the field and let them do so, too?

@LaurieStrode it's absolutely up to everyone what they choose to do and if they choose to play the field, providing they are up front and transparent about it. What is not OK is to claim they are only seeing you/dating you and that be a lie because they are actually still wanting to find "someone better".

As I said, it doesn't sit right with me, but horses for courses, each to their own.

Sounds like my idea of heaven. Who cares if it goes nowhere/ they are crap in bed. As least you are getting out of the house and meeting new people with different otlooks, having new experiences. Obviously while staying safe.

@Neurodiversitydoctor that's fine early on when younger/no commitments but personally as I'm older now, I'm more picky. You must be meeting great people because genuinely I hardly ever meet any who can even chat let alone more.

@Hellenabe

Ditto. I‘m not looking for new friends or a social life, I’ve already got those. And certainly not looking for casual sex with a succession of random men I don’t have a connection with.

Im happy to have done thing pretty casual with the right person but only if it’s exclusive. And my experience so far, there’s barely anyone ive got to that level of communication with to want to meet. In my early days with OLD I chatted to a lot but as time gone on, I’ve filtered to the point there’s no one left 😃

I agree, dating is lots of fun!

I think it probably gets a bit stale if you're seeing the same faces on the apps all the time. Some of you may just be a bit unlucky, geographically speaking. I don't think it's all men on all apps that are the problem. Most men I've met or spoken to are looking for relationships and they're pretty open and sincere about it. I've met a few liars and cheats but mainly I've met kind, lovely people who are looking for love and romance.

I think what can happen is that men decide very quickly whether you're 'the one'. And if you're not, they may still really like you, but they're not ever going to get serious with you. So they may still pursue you for sex and companionship, and you're thinking they're on the same page as you, but really you're a placeholder for them.

I think that's okay if you know that's the case and you know they're also not the one for you. But it can be very upsetting if you assume they're going to fall in love with you.

That's why I alway advocate for open and non-judgmental conversation from the very beginning. Ask them LOADS of questions, find out what they're looking for, find out what they're looking for with you specifically, and generally get deep and meaningful so if you do decide to enter into a relationship, you know the terms and conditions.

@taylorswift1989 great post above

I think dating definitely can be fun. I remember being really excited about it when I was first single after a horrible breakup 8 years ago. I thought there will definitely be someone lovely out there and I'm going to enjoy the journey. What I found were nice guys with lots of issues which ended up inadvertently ruining things. Men who shouldn't really have been dating anyone because they had depression or family issues or not even divorced yet. And after a while I felt jaded naturally. I set my boundaries higher, and then there was zilch out there.

I do think the dating landscape has changed so there is more dross out there with a candy shop mentality but I also think there's a lot to be said about meeting someone in the real world now.

I agree that you just need to approach it as a fun activity. You meet new men, most of whom are interesting, go to new places and have a laugh. I've been dating in my 50s since early October. I've really enjoyed it! Have only met one weirdo really - a lapse of judgment on my part and in fact the date was quite entertaining. The standard of men has been pretty high in fact.

For the last few weeks it was just down to 2 men as I was hedging my bets a little bit. Both are lovely! Good jobs, funny and seem sorted. Now I've plumped for one, but told him before we had sex that I don't have sex with people who are still on apps/dating elsewhere. So far it's going pretty well!

fwiw I met one of the men on Bumble, the other on Tinder. And also had a really good date with another man from Match (I would have seen him again if I didn't already have two that I was onto second/third dates with at the time).

I was trying to date 2 people at once, but couldn't sleep with two at the same time when it came to the crunch. Not necessarily because of their feelings, but because it would mess with my head a little bit. And it came to a stage with both of them, that the next natural progression was going to their houses....

I'm 50s and off on my lunch date with a lady in her 50s in about 20 minutes. it will be the first time I've met her although we have spoken at length on the phone a couple of times. She works in an area completely different from me but we have several common interests and she is articulate and sounds fun

I'll report back once done - if it's tomorrow morning you'll know it's gone really well😃

@ManAboutTown

Fingers crossed for you