Dating in your fifties... why bother?

[Ellena646]

If I am brutally honest my experience of dating in my fifties has been: negging, below average sex, lazy WhatsApping (I mean who can't pick up the phone and say good morning) and what I am pretty certain is gaslighting infidelity cloaked as "it's just how the world of dating is now"... a bunch of greedy little boys with their hand stuck in the cookie jar that is OLD. Is it really worth the effort?

I tried it, honestly I had a guy saying that he had met a few women that he would spend £200 plus on on a second date to hear they then weren't interested, he also told me that his friend had met the same woman and she had done the same to him. He is 55. I asked him the age of the woman....35...

So they both thought they would get to shag a woman 20 years their junior by buying dinner? Hard to have any sympathy sad deluded old fools

I will admit one of my photos I have a low cut top on but they really could try and not focus on that on the first message ffs.

Don’t they realise they’ve got more chance of actually seeing them by NOT mentioning in their opening message? 🤷‍♀️

I honestly feel like giving up on dating altogether. Why is it so hard to meet someone decent, honest with a good moral compass?

In a nutshell I started dating someone. I wasn't sure at first due to him being so focused on looks (mostly his as he kept telling me he knew how attractive he was), but I went along with it. Had 3 really good dates, planned dates 4 and 5... date #5 was going to be an overnight. That was potentially going to be when we had sex for the 1st time as had only kissed up until then. I wanted to show my friend his photo so went onto the dating app to find he had updated his photos to newer ones in the last day or so. Of course he's entitled to do this and I fully expect to be told I'm being unreasonable... but, it left me feeling really upset. We seemed to be on the same page in terms of where we were heading and yet he was updating his photos so I guess I really was only an option for him. He was 58 so not young. Why do men do this? Why are they always looking for "something better"?. It's really left a sour taste and I really do wonder if there are any decent men on dating sites anymore 🤔

@daisydaily I agree that would make me feel rubbish too. Are you still going ahead with the dates as planned or are you not going to bother?

@DaisyDaisyDaisyDaisyDaisyDaisy God no. I challenged him on it. He told me it was his profile and he could what he wanted. He absolutely refused to see why it left me feeling flat. It's one thing to go on and check messages, even swipe I guess, but to me it's completely different to actively update your photos while planning to have an overnight stay. I don't want to be an option, I want to be the prize 😏

Well good for you. What a jerk.

@daisydaily

You’ll probably have people tell you that with OLD you should presume you’re not exclusive until you’ve had that discussion but I’m with you. I’m not going to have sex with someone who’s still looking out for a better offer.

This is why I am only engaging with men I meet in the wild where there has to be normal social enragement with other mutual friends round at the first encounters

I think engaging in wild is much more healthier and natural. There is something not quite natural being behind the screen and going off on artificial vibe.

Whereas being out and about can actually experience new things, meet both men and women friends, and your time actually counts towards something.

OLD, even if both people are polite, still feels like a massive stressor you need to tend.

@SamW98 yep I'm expecting the "he's free to do what he likes until the exclusive talk" comments but you know what, it doesn't cut it with me. I'm certainly not going to go to bed with someone who is updating their photos whilst having the conversation about arranging an overnight date. Maybe some people would be happy with that level of (no) commitment but I'm not. It's nothing but common decency to hold off on updating your profile whilst planning to sleep with someone. If the sex was crap, or things stopped being good between then of course its ok to update it but it's absolutely not OK to be planning dates talking about how good the dates felt etc etc and all the time be thinking there might be someone better out there so I'll update my photos just in case!! Too add insult to injury I think one of them was taken while he was waiting for me to get there on one of our dates!!

daisydaily

ewwww no
totallly no way would he get an over nighter

that’s so rude
and I’d never do that if I was seeing someone I met off an app , if I liked some id at least freeze it whilst we work things out
certainly not update profile !!!

one thing I noticed is men seem to be much better at asserting their boundaries in dating than women

this isn’t even worth questioning

Too add insult to injury I think one of them was taken while he was waiting for me to get there on one of our dates!!

🙈🤦‍♀️

I had something not so dissimilar, I had a 6 hour second date in a lovely restaurant with a guy who was catching a plane for a business trip that evening i.e. he had spent valuable time with me. Sends me pictures from the plane etc then a few days later says how he had met someone before me ; he was simply testing me/weighing up options...

a few days later says how he had met someone before me ; he was simply testing me/weighing up options...

They can lie easily enough the rest of the time, so why not just be more tactful at this point and say you just don't think it's right for you without the rest of it?

I'm afraid many men actually like their single lives thing (just as many older women do) and it's more a fun/entertainment kind of thing to do- lots of dates, nights to look forward to- I don't think all of these people are actually wanting relationships , even if they really get on with and are attracted to the person. They do it in the way that in the past they would have just popped down the pub

Actually it was slightly worse than that, he actually said he felt "very attracted" to the other woman. Obviously if she knew he had spent the day before his business trip having a long lavish lunch, going for ice cream and strolling around London the other woman might have been a bit less attracted to him. He also mentioned something along the lines of having women queuing up. That's actually one of the things I really dislike about Bumble it's as someone said before like a sweetie shop for men...

My friend went on a date recently with a man she connected with on Ourtime.

They were meeting on Sunday afternoon in a local cafe. When he arrived he told her he wasn’t hungry as he’d just been on another date and eaten a meal!! He also said he could only stay for 2 hours as he had a 3rd date that evening!

I’m all for honesty but 3 dates in a day 🤷‍♀️

I agree that’s realistic for many older single people. We’ve done the long term relationship, our kids are grown and we’ve made a nice life for ourselves being a bit selfish for first time and doing what we want when we want.

To have a relationship now would involve a lot of compromise and fitting in with each others lives and I do wonder whether it’s worth the bother.

I always said I could do FWB but the older I’m getting the more I wonder if that’s the best solution - with the right person and exclusive obviously. I want the dates and theses but can’t imagine ever wanting to live with someone again.

As a man who may get brave enough to OLD at somepoint, that's cheered me up a bit!

I don't see him as a great looking older guy? The David Gandy, Brad Pitts, Idris Elba etc yeah can certainly see it.

I personally think I look like a bag of spanners, but I've had great looking partners during my life, so I must be doing something right!

What age would you say that guy is? 55 ish?

Why do you care how old he possibly is? It will be a fake/model photo anyway 😂

@Livelifelaughter it's a sweetie shop even if a man is relatively average looking but has a decent job etc. Once they are better looking/good job, there is a lot of choice. An ex of mine said he had a date a week for a year.

@Hellenabe tbh I have no problems with a guy who says they are looking for something casual, just dating etc. My problem is the ones who say they are looking for a committed relationship and then think "Shit, I am meant to include her in my plans... wasn't thinking about that, shit this is a bit serious, I didn't leave a 25 year marriage to have to actually consider someone else again....darnit"

As above I have no problem with a man being honest and saying he’s only looking for something pretty casual at mo then I can decide if we want same thing. It’s the ones who say they want a relationship but then suddenly decide that maybe they’re only after sex and btw here’s a photo of me naked in the bath before we’ve even met.

Im totally honest and upfront just wish I hit the same respect back.

I think there has to be a conversation about how long you date each other before becoming exclusive. From what I have heard from friends and online is that three months seems to be the cut-off point, but I have a friend who once she has sex declares that she "doesn't like to share" and they agree to delete the app. I'd be inclined to play him at his own game (not as a game but because why shouldn't he know how it feels) and talk about other men you are dating!