Married to a Neurotypical - Support Thread Number 1

[Dustyyy]

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of mixed NT/ND partnerships. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (Neurotypical partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong).

I’ll start. My husband is neurotypical (or if you prefer, person with neurotypicality) and he annoys me with his constant low-level noise and general presence around the house. He doesn’t understand that some of us need peace and quiet and aren’t interested in mundane chit chat. How do other autistic people cope?

I love this! I am ND and married to someone who suspects they are NT but is clearly ND. I wish he's stop being so dramatic and stop self diagnosing 😜

It's the long, long rambling stories with many tangents that get me.....because my own long rambling stories with many tangents are so much more interesting

One of my AuDHD teen's docs doesn't seem to believe in ND/autism, etc and doesn't acknowledge any sensory issues or ND-related issues as what they are. She says it's more to do with people 'not being pushed enough'.

Undiagnosed NT people telling ND people to try a different way of being (I.e: the NT way), ignoring that this is the very reason for the ND having issues that we've managed to fix, is a classic NT trait and I think she needs to get assessed for NT-ness and diagnosed ASAP.

I'm just glad she isn't part of the ND diagnostic process and wasn't part of my teen's diagnostic team.

I love the fact that so many people love this thread! And understand it’s significance.

some threads on here really do get me down. The ignorance and ableism sent our way (and condoned by MNHQ) is shocking.

I have this exact same problem.

Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (Neurotypical partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong).

Well we can try, but NTs are a uniformly irrational bunch.

I find the NT’s need a lot of reassurance and are too much hard work a lot of the time. They can’t cope with silences and seem really uncomfortable if your voice isn’t being played all day like an instrument.

If you take some time on your own they think you have a problem with them. They think there’s something medically or socially wrong with you if you don’t care to “suck up” uncomfortable or boring social functions for the sake of “politeness”. They think it’s morally superior to put on an act so the hosts at least think they have happy guests. It doesn’t need to be true! It’s quite fascinating.

🤣 yeah. Good point well made.

My husband is nt. He's outnumbered because me and both our sons are autistic.

We cope with him by having lots of alone time.

It's hard but we manage.

Oh, the presents thing!!!!

I like the same things each year. I know what I like. Stop buying random stuff!!! I only use one bath foam. The one I bloody like. I like one specific bottle of wine. Why can't NTs just accept that?!

Ordering take away. I like one curry from the curry house. Just that one! No, I don't want to try a different one!

@Grimsknee The couple that lubes together, stays together 😅

DH is great for someone with neurotypicality. He was in the sci-fi society at university and made lots of friends there which really helped him with his social skills. But he always insists on getting an estimate in actual units of time on how long something will take! Does he want the answer to include or not include the time it will take me to plot our the timeline if events to give him a weirdly specific answer? Also, he doesn't respect The Noise-Cancelling Headphones and will interrupt me when I'm wearing them. But generally he's great, and I wouldn't be without his quirky ways.

I have a Dmother actually diagnosed NT by a psychiatrist we both agree was rubbish. Paych said I didn’t have any of the evident triad and just my DM wasn’t happy I wasn’t gregarious and I enjoyed being lonely.

We have some understanding of each other but it’s hard.

This thread is so funny!!!

In fairness to them, I think MNHQ just don't always "get it". There have been occasions, though, when they've listened very carefully to representations on this issue and made changes. (Just not about the threads in question.) So it's always worth trying to calmly engage with them and lay out the case informatively, when you have the energy.

This thread is fantastic.

Genius OP

The NT's in my life really struggle with going out to things alone (eg the cinema, swimming or especially for a meal). I think they feel vulnerable and self-conscious. I do try to encourage their independence but they always want me to go along with them. It's very satisfying for me when I see them doing something without my support!

Neurotypical is your average human being. I think you may mean Neurodiverse.

Thanks @ContractQuestion I do feel it’s important to have somewhere to vent and talk into the abyss. What’s important here is no one is under any obligation to reply or show concern. Just get on with your day.

Love this thread but my entire household is nerospicy (ND) so it's probably not aimed at me 😂 Although I did recently find out my husband doesn't have an inner monologue, so maybe we're more different that I realised! 🤔

Sorry to gate crash your thread but I am starting to worry about my toddler. She is showing early signs of relishing social interaction and makes frequent eye contact. She also hasn’t developed any special interests yet.

I know that some NTs manage to live fulfilling lives but I am so worried about the future, DH and I have very little experience of NT. Should I get her tested?

@EachFallenRobin yeah what is with that need to be around others? Bravo for your patience. They are very lucky to have you.

@WhatInFreshHell are you worried someone in your family might be Neurotypical too? It's okay you know you can share here. Remember they're still the same person they were before they got the label.

@BeastOfBODMAS it's always a tricky one isn't it. Some want to hold of testing for NT in order not to "label" them but I'd be concerned about the lack of special interest at this stage. Maybe there's a programme the HV or preschool can advise where they can join to help teach them about special interests and direct communication?

Absolute genius @Dustyyy

I can only hope we can support all those people with these poor souls in their lives.

@ContractQuestion of course it’s very early to label them but whenever we take her on the train she just shows a normal amount of excitement, no hand flapping or anything? We’ve tried mainline and a couple of specialist steam interventions.

@BeastOfBODMAS hopefully it’s just a phase but don’t be afraid to ask the teachers to observe her and suggest ways to develop her individuality. Also, keep a diary of all the times she follows the crowd and seeks approval.