Married to a Neurotypical - Support Thread Number 1

[Dustyyy]

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of mixed NT/ND partnerships. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (Neurotypical partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong).

I’ll start. My husband is neurotypical (or if you prefer, person with neurotypicality) and he annoys me with his constant low-level noise and general presence around the house. He doesn’t understand that some of us need peace and quiet and aren’t interested in mundane chit chat. How do other autistic people cope?

now that was mean....

thankfully I was not drinking coffee otherwise I would be down one very expensive gaming keyboard. God help me if the coloured lights on it broke.

so funny... but surely holland is fine, it's italy you have to worry about.

I would start a new thread.

This was a fun thread for neurodiverse people (autistic/adhd etc) to talk about the trials if being married to NT people whereas you're the other way around!

Wow, even on a lighthearted thread about the difficulties of being married to a NT person, you still get NT people coming on and complaining about how their husband is an arsehole and therefore must be ND.

Sorry, I wasn't thinking straight. I've asked the moderators to delete the post.

Just seen an identical thread to this on AIBU and I thought I'd post for some support as it reminded me so much of this other situation.

I know someone who is neurotypical. Now my sister is trying to get diagnosed as neurotypical, but she's completely different to this other person. The other person is a shop assistant and my sister is a doctor so she clearly can't be very neurotypical. My husband is fuming and thinks my sister is attention seeking and now she's saying she thinks her kids are neurotypical too!!
AIBU?

YADNBU! They're probably just a bit dull. We're all a bit dull in out own ways but we can't all go shopping for a trendy label. I blame The TickToks!

Yes, I think we’re all a bit on the nt spectrum, but we don’t all attach a label to it, or expect special treatment, it’s just life and they need to learn instead of expecting us to accommodate them.
Yes Mary, it may have hurt your feelings when the normal nd colleague gave you a factual and concise response to your query, but that sounds like a you problem. We’re already making huge allowances and adjustments by not just telling you to take your needs and fuck off, and nt dx or not you need to build a bridge and get over it.

Suspect mine is NT too.
He expects physical touch... DAILY!
And then these deep conversations about feelings when I've so much factual,
important stuff to think about, like historical dates. Stuff like that.

Then he wants someone to accompany him to social events and meaningful "date nights." He expects me to be around him almost every day!

I don't know why he bothered to get into a relationship?!

Yes what is it with their everlasting need to bang on about emotions and feelings and the expectation you should join in? And meaningful conversations? Just no.
If it’s a genuine, understandable emotion, eg bereavement then yes of course, and the expectation is you just listen which is entirely normal.
But otherwise just why?
Either it’s self explanatory, in which case why are they banging inanely on because it doesn’t need discussion. Or it’s some bullshit self indulgent nt shit that nobody rational gives a fuck about. Then they have the audacity to expect you to engage with their nonsensical bollocks.

I did a “laugh out loud” then! 🙂

No, I chat a lot but prefer chatting to NDs and sharing information and being honest. But I annoy and exhaust myself so I prefer to walk alone most of the time and just talk to my favourite trees.

I keep coming back to this thread time and time again for the laughs, emotions etc.. but it really is a them thinking we have to do all the adapting(whilst labelling us as not adapatable)thing isnt it. They say we gaslight them but they carry a fkn flamethrower.

Agreed

I do try to exercise compassion as the NTs flail around hinting at things, getting cross when we can’t mind read whilst they are so tragically unable to just say what it is they want. 😕. Poor souls!

I feel so sorry for NTs at this time of year. It must be so disorienting when they leave a shop and no longer have constant visual and auditory reminders that Christmas is "only n sleeps away" in the form of bright decorations, prominent displays of specified Christmas merchandise, and loud cheesy music. It would be so much easier for them if they had the normal skill of being able to recognise the pattern formed by Christmas falling on the same day of every year, then they wouldn't need constant visual and auditory reminders of its approach in every public space for six weeks straight to avoid being surprised by it.

Why do we have to try and mind read what NTs want for a present, and then they get upset if you get it wrong? Gift vouchers are the best present then you leave the choosing to them.

Also why the fuss over Christmas Dinner? It’s just a roast except you swap chicken for turkey. 😂

I always wonder whether people turn out neurotypical because they weren’t breastfed properly.

I also read on Facebook there’s no such thing as neurotypicality and it’s just a label people apply to annoying children. But I also know for sure that annoying children were all formula fed.

Oh dear. Maybe the fact that I repeat stuff I’ve heard other people say without questioning whether any of it makes sense means I am neurotypical too? I mean, I don’t look it, which is comforting.

My second son had low level neurotypicality all through his childhood. He never required much support for his neurotypical traits, to be fair, and was always quite a borderline NT case. His brother is full on autistic of course. Anyway second son, partly because all his friends are autistic, thinks he might not be neurotypical after all. Is he just denying his NT self? I never had him formally assessed for neurotypicality. Is it too late now he's 16?

Op it sounds like maybe you're just not suited. Interest wise. Not necessarily just that he's NT.

I’m so thankful to have found this thread.

I read on another thread today that NTs will say “let’s meet up for coffee” when they do not actually want to meet up for coffee and have no intention doing so. They view the sentence as a nice thing to say - I think it’s their version of stimming. All this time I’ve been trying to arrange timings for coffees! I feel so guilty.

@HebburnPokemon I had never thought of the coffee thing in that way! I will now feel more compassionate towards NTs when they suggest coffee when clearly they have no actual intention of following through. Poor things need to self soothe with their insincere words!

Don’t you realise neurotypicality is a spectrum condition?! The shop assistant NT is low functioning and the doctor NT is high functioning. They will present with some commonalities like going shopping for no reason.

I know someone neurotypical who has no job because of bad parenting. This neurotypical always wanted to try new foods and discuss weather and their parents did not balance this with enrichment activities like Minecraft or help them develop an encyclopaedic knowledge of something like the history of Marvel so they could learn to interact with their ND peers. They did not even spend 19 years battling the council for 1-1 support in school. In the end the NT was excluded from mainstream education for being dull and only being able to learn with worksheets or copying from the board.

But I also heard about a neurotypical on a Facebook group who managed to develop a special interest to the point they became a university professor. So they don’t all fail in life and we mustn’t write them off. Some can definitely adapt.

I am a very high performing mother of an NT child. I got direct payments from the council for a 1-1 carer who teaches my ten year old life skills like how to collect things and categorise them properly.

My husband is unfortunately also NT but I have found us a couple therapist who specialises in mixed relationships and is helping him to understand his deficencies and the compassion fatigue I have developed from dealing with his tendency to want to play team sports, attend dinner parties and spend hours on Rightmove speculating about how much a loft extension would add to the value of our house. Sometimes I feel like I’m just a carer. No one will play dungeons and dragons with me. It’s very isolating.

Yup. I am regularly saying 'That doesn't actually answer the question I just asked you, though..?' after what sounds like quite a full answer. I am then told 'Yes, I'm coming to that', as if I'm being impatient.

I've asked you a yes or no question, why are you talking for 5 minutes to answer it?!