Married to a Neurotypical - Support Thread Number 1

[Dustyyy]

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of mixed NT/ND partnerships. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (Neurotypical partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong).

I’ll start. My husband is neurotypical (or if you prefer, person with neurotypicality) and he annoys me with his constant low-level noise and general presence around the house. He doesn’t understand that some of us need peace and quiet and aren’t interested in mundane chit chat. How do other autistic people cope?

I am actually asking for advice as a NT person. My husband is ND ,a lovely guy but I am really struggling with my MH because of his lack of social awareness and poor judgment,particularly with communication and finances! He is now retired but his ‘hobby’ is costing about £10,000 a year ! Our income now is only about £30,000 ,mortgage paid off but I am still working ,worried about bills and certainly not spending money on myself because he feels that he has earned his retirement. He says that I can spend money how I like but he is not realistic..I am watching the money disappearing. Please can a ND person advise me on how I approach this in a sensitive way. Thank you 🙏

On the SAME PLATE? My sympathies, that sounds really hard. What people don't realise is how difficult it is to take children like that out to restaurants and things, although a tumbleweed lanyard is really useful just so that people understand that she's not just being gross and letting her sauces touch for no reason.

I think we really do have to make them aware of how disgusting it is and the impact on others. I mean, in the real world they can’t expect the rest of us to wear ear plugs to deal with their excessive noise.

Oh dear.

That's spendthriftitis. Luckily he's ND so might yet be amenable to reason. Try a spreadsheet.

This is a satire thread and you would do better to start another one elsewhere as it will jar.

But FWIW I would strongly suggest you approach it in what you would regard as an INsensitive way. Clearly. Directly. To the point. Not hinting or suggesting. If the problem is a mismatch between ND / NT communication styles this will help. If it doesn't help, then the problem is that he's not a lovely guy.

It was a proper low point. I think a lanyard would be a good idea going forward, people need to understand that there’s a reason she is this way and make allowances.

I believe that some places have introduced a ‘NT hour’ with noise and lights etc, which is good because we’ll be able to take her at 7.30am so she can be as repulsive as she likes.

I wonder if it's okay to differentiate between high functioning and low functioning NT disorder. After all, some are more arseholey than others. Some are only arseholes on weekdays and others are weekends and holidays. Perhaps their NTsupport needs require a linear chart because it obviously is about 'how much of an arsehole are you?'. Straightforward.

What a relief to read this.
If I'd suspected dh might be NT when we met I might have not pursued the relationship. He did a good impression of someone with clear communication- rang when he said he would, had short factual conversations about when to meet and where, until I felt safe. Then I think he couldn't keep masking? Started to need me to be with him all the time if we went shopping, wanting to hold hands, go to the same shops, just very clingy. And then the socialising started - suddenly we had guests and dinners, with no reason or debate to cover.

My local supermarket is doing one of these NT hours. It's SOOOOOO good of them. I mean, imagine catering to people with neurotypicalism purely out of the goodness of your heart, your corporate social responsibility review and your twitter likes? Honestly it brings a tear to my eye.

Do you know I heard someone the other day saying their entire family was NT (like anyone believes a WHOLE FAMILY is NT - come on, there's got to be some parenting issues going on there!) and 7.30am was too early. The ingratitude!

I genuinely thought this was a thread for ND people supporting each other 😳

Honestly guys. I dont know how you cope! I know they cant help it, but there are limits!

@MagicTape NT hours are such a great idea. Talking of inclusivity, my company is introducing a ‘Neurotypical Internship’. They are going to hire a neurotypical (with poor academic qualifications but great social skills) and put his desk in the noisiest part of the office. He won’t be doing much work but we’re gonna to chat to him and make him feel really included in the team. He won’t have a job at the end of it but it will get us a ‘NT friendly 🙂👍🏼’ logo to put on our website. CRS brownie points too!

Oh but it is is. The most supportive thing I've read in ages.

It is a thread for ND people supporting other ND people. But for once, it's not from being a problem just for being ND - you know, the point of view of those with NT disorder.

Oh that's great these NT schemes are developing out there isn't it. I mean we don't want to really look at their actual skills if we can help it so anything that ticks a box!

I'm a bit worried about having a baby. I mean with all the awareness there is I'm still a bit worried they might be NT. I'm not sure I could manage.

*about being a problem.

I dont know about you but I find NT kids in school really distracting. All their noises and random off topic conversation.

Wouldn't it help if we found a special school for them to go to so the rest of the normal (ND) kids can learn?

Tsk tsk.

Autistic people have no sense of humour and take language literally, don't you know. This means they don't understand sarcasm and if you say "it's raining cats and dogs" they will look up to the sky with a worried expression.

Therefore this thread does not and cannot exist.

Stay in your lane, autists!

(Shakes head sadly).

As if by magic!!!! I was about to say this thread and AutismProfs thread together are just perfect. In the NT world I teach about ND and I wish I could bottle these threads 🥰.

Yep, it's a literal adjustment to people with NT disorder.

You find a way of coping, and NT kids can be immensely rewarding. I think there’s a poem about it… Welcome to Holland.

I think it will be a great experience for him and help him learn skills to cope with a work environment. Just being there, unpaid, doing everyone’s filing will really help him in the future.

If you want to help your ND kids understand the weirdo NTs in their class at school, there’s an excellent book called “Why Johnny doesn’t flap - NT is ok!” by Clay and Gail Morton.
It explains how Johnny doesn’t stim, can’t focus on a special interest, can’t manage lengthy monologues, doesn’t separate his foods on his plate, invades your personal
space, etc. It’s a very useful look into the strange world of a child disabled by neorotypicality.

I have to say though that these initiatives can be taken too far. I mean, can NT people really expect the world to bend to them, is that realistic? If they aren’t able to do a job without all the face to face contact and team building days, should we really be putting all these resources into employing then when an ND person could just crack on quietly and remotely? Is it really sustainable? And how is it fair to the rest of us?

Thank you @MagicTape for your reply!