Married to a Neurotypical - Support Thread Number 1

[Dustyyy]

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of mixed NT/ND partnerships. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (Neurotypical partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong).

I’ll start. My husband is neurotypical (or if you prefer, person with neurotypicality) and he annoys me with his constant low-level noise and general presence around the house. He doesn’t understand that some of us need peace and quiet and aren’t interested in mundane chit chat. How do other autistic people cope?

My husband wants affection and cuddles. I hate it, don't mind it during sex (when I,m in the mood and that's rare!), but cuddling for the sake of it.......argh, sensory hell. Coupled with the hot weather and being menopausal, I could kill him, Social chat too, just get to the frigging point.

I'm autistic and not in a relationship but this is genius

I feel your pain on this. Does your husband lack empathy? Seems like he only sees things from a neurotypical viewpoint and can’t put himself in your shoes. If he could keep his touchy-feeliness under control maybe he would stop getting on your nerves quite so much.

Thank you for your kind words, I hope this thread can be a safe space for autistics to share their feelings. It can be very difficult to live with a neurotypical partner or, if undiagnosed, someone you suspect may not be autistic

im reading all these comments and nodding. So much resonates - I strongly suspect my husband is neurotypical!

thank goodness for this thread.

My husband comes from a family of 3 and I strongly suspect they are all neurotypicals.
I don't want to leave him by the way, I want to find a way to live with him.
He constantly asks me "How are you, no really how are you really"
When I'm just standing there wanting a cup of tea.
And if I say I want a cup of tea, he laughs and says to his brothers
"Oh that's so windows isn't it ha ha ha ha ha"
I try to quietly tell myself to be tolerant of them all, they aren't actually idiots, I know they sound like they are, but I think they're just being neurotypical and can't help it...

Oh gosh yes. Why can't people just say what they mean?! Would be much clearer communication if NT just learnt some communication skills.

I’m glad you’ve found this thread. Have you broached the subject with your husband that he might be neurotypical? What were the red flags? For me it was my husband’s constant need to fit in with others and fear of saying anything mildly controversial in public.

Three NTs in one family, wow. I do believe there is a genetic element to neurotypicality. That must be hard for you though, but kudos for trying to make your marriage work. Compromise is important as you know. Maybe try dropping hints next time you want a cup of tea, rather than asking outright. Suggest something along the lines of “hmm I’m feeling a bit parched, I wonder if a warm beverage might help?” then cast your does eyes in their direction.

God yes, and why don't they ever answer the exact bloody questions you ask them? It drives me crackers.

@Nomorenonbinary I feel for you. It's really difficult to have a direct conversation with someone who bases everything on emotion instead of logic and expects you to read their mind.

Hoping it's ok for people who suspect their husbands may not have ADHD to post, too! Can anyone relate? Mine puts his socks in the laundry hamper, and always knows where his keys are. It's been a big adjustment to lube with someone like that.

*LIVE with!!!!!

This is excellent 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

Does yours ask you what is wrong when you haven't even said you are having an issue?
I'll just be sat there, my face showing no expression and he will pipe up with, "what's up? You look annoyed".

I thought I was NT, but a lot of this really resonates with me.....

I know! I suspect that my husband may be NT. He really struggles to carry on a conversation with more than a single thread. Surely any person should be able to manage two or three topics simultaneously? He also seems to really struggle with clothing style: a paucity of colour and individuality.

I also really worry about his interests. They are so shallow! He just won't dive into the history and details of a topic. He makes decisions without doing extensive research! I know it's what NTs do, but I just worry that he's missing out.

Gosh can't imagine making a decision without considerable research. What's wrong with these people?

I feel really lonely in my marriage. I see other couples where they spend time together at home, sharing deep and meaningful conversations on socio-political subjects and it really hurts. My husband just can’t connect on that level. He’d rather be in a busy pub with friends and acquaintances, talking about trivia and celebrities. Do you think marriage counselling might work for us?

I found out the other day my DP didn't have a favourite spoon, or even opinions on spoons at all. Shall I leave?

Shameless placemarking, I’m NT and I know I’m a trial to poor DS. Here to learn.

This is fantastic 🤣
I am in a happy marriage with an NT.
However, I do have to send him memes explaining that if I say something, he needs to listen to the words that come out of my mouth, not the facial expression/body language/his assumption of what a NT would mean by saying what i’ve just said.
It's a daily education.

Obviously LTB. I mean, who doesn't have a favourite spoon? Imagine if he USED your spoon someday? It's not worth the risk.

I'm not sure about marriage counselling OP. They think differently to us so if you do make sure you get someone trained in NT behaviour.