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Original poster

Married to a Neurotypical - Support Thread Number 1

428 replies

Dustyyy · 20/06/2023 22:55

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of mixed NT/ND partnerships. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (Neurotypical partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong).

I’ll start. My husband is neurotypical (or if you prefer, person with neurotypicality) and he annoys me with his constant low-level noise and general presence around the house. He doesn’t understand that some of us need peace and quiet and aren’t interested in mundane chit chat. How do other autistic people cope?

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MyWishIsMyCommand · 21/06/2023 21:51

My heart does break when I see a child who obviously suffers from NT disorder. I'm so worried they won't be able to manage around other (ND) children.

Most of them will end up being drop-kicked out of their parents homes once the clock strikes 12:00 on their 18th birthday, with all the burdens of the world on their shoulders and having to take up the mantle of a new generation of 'The Rat Race'.

It's such a sad tedious future they're being 'trained and socialised' for.

TreesAtSea · 21/06/2023 21:56

EachFallenRobin · 21/06/2023 20:10

The NT's in my life really struggle with going out to things alone (eg the cinema, swimming or especially for a meal). I think they feel vulnerable and self-conscious. I do try to encourage their independence but they always want me to go along with them. It's very satisfying for me when I see them doing something without my support!

I find they also don't want to go on holiday alone, or even on a day trip without a companion. It's so sad that they seem unable to stop limiting their lives in this way.

Crikeyalmighty · 21/06/2023 21:57

I'm not sure whether to laugh or not-
Makes me realise I may not be neurotypical!!

MyWishIsMyCommand · 21/06/2023 21:58

Crikeyalmighty · 21/06/2023 21:57

I'm not sure whether to laugh or not-
Makes me realise I may not be neurotypical!!

That should be a relief! Think of the stigma if you are!

FatGirlSwim · 21/06/2023 22:02

Dustyyy · 21/06/2023 21:50

I’m upset that my autistic son is invited to so many birthday parties. Poor kid just wants a quiet weekend playing Minecraft, but he doesn’t want to upset his classmates, so he goes along and joins in everything. He’s so selfless and I’m really proud of him. 🥳☺️

It’s heartbreaking isn’t it. My dd’s friends keep calling for her to come and play at the park. It’s so sad to see how little down time they have and that they just don’t know how to relax. She knows they can’t help it though and like your dc she does her best to include them. Another proud mamma raising them to be tolerant.

My kids are all very aware of neurotypicality and that some kids need extra support.

Original poster
Dustyyy · 21/06/2023 22:03

@Crikeyalmighty don’t be hard on yourself. It can be a lightbulb moment when you find out you’re neurotypical. Suddenly it all makes sense - the need for attention, the lack of special interests, a desire to fill silence with constant chatter.

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CaffineChaos · 21/06/2023 22:05

I love you OP. That is all.

FatGirlSwim · 21/06/2023 22:06

I actually have one dc who I have concerns about. She shows some traits of neurotypicality, and because it’s in the family I’m alert to it. She just hasn’t developed in the same way as her siblings. She always wants to be with her friends and she eats food completely indiscriminately regardless of texture.

It could be nothing, but I’m keeping an eye on her. It’s not causing her any real problems at the moment as we accommodate her needs. If it continues as she gets older I might pursue a diagnosis.

She does react to loud noises and apparently only has a select group of friends in school, so I may be worrying about nothing.

MagicTape · 21/06/2023 22:09

I hope it's okay to join this thread, as my entire family is ND and we have no real experience of NeuroTypical Disorder (NTD).

But a friend of mine has a DH who is coercive, controlling, sulky, unwilling to share chores, etc. She thinks he is a standard issue abuser but I've said before she leaves him maybe she should consider whether he has NTD. He does find small talk easy and can be very charming with strangers, and he seeks out noisy places like pubs, so I think she should assume that people who behave like he does are all Neurotypical and that she should support him in seeking a diagnosis, then recognising that his behaviour is mostly connected to his Neurotypical needs. AIBU?

Original poster
Dustyyy · 21/06/2023 22:12

CaffineChaos · 21/06/2023 22:05

I love you OP. That is all.

This expression of emotion is making me feel quite uncomfortable …….<<< stims right leg nervously>>>>

OP posts:
Original poster
Dustyyy · 21/06/2023 22:18

@FatGirlSwim you could try to remove one item of food from her diet each week. Also have you considered separating the food so it doesn’t touch? It might encourage her to be more discriminate in what she eats.

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Original poster
Dustyyy · 21/06/2023 22:25

@MagicTape welcome. I’m sorry to hear about your friend’s husband. It does sound like being neurotypical might be the reason for his abusive behaviour. I think it’s very common for NTs to be inconsiderate, lazy and selfish. Many of us are living with neurotypical men like this 😨

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ContractQuestion · 21/06/2023 22:26

Yes theres a strong link between abusive behaviour and NT unfortunately.It doesn't excuse it but it does explain it. Sorry to hear this.

MagicTape · 21/06/2023 22:30

Thanks @Dustyyy I was sure I was on the right track.

I've done at least twenty minutes solid research (well, apart from making a cup of tea) so I'm now an expert on people with neurotypicalism. Could I ask posters on this thread to please watch their language? Calling them NTs or Neurotypical is actually like really offensive. It should be "people with neurotypicalism" because we use person first language. Identity first language is really problematic. 😔

I know that the vast majority of people with neurotypicalism disagree with that, but frankly they're weirdos so who cares what the fuck they think, right?

FatGirlSwim · 21/06/2023 22:33

Dustyyy · 21/06/2023 22:18

@FatGirlSwim you could try to remove one item of food from her diet each week. Also have you considered separating the food so it doesn’t touch? It might encourage her to be more discriminate in what she eats.

That’s a fab idea. I’m trying not to make too much of an issue of it so doing it gradually like this might help.

I’ll also try to slowly reduce her social time I think so that she learns to cope with more down time. I worry about how she’ll cope in the future otherwise.

BiscuitsandPuffin · 21/06/2023 22:34

I suspect some of my ILs might be NT. They constantly require contact with DH and I (at least weekly) and seem to need validation that we're still there, I don't really understand it but it's such a burden trying to give them the reassurance they need that we are fine and busy and just don't really care for the banal small talk of these frequent phone calls.

Since covid they've branched into video calls and they are awful. They comment on what I'm wearing and how my hair is, but my clothes are just whatever I woke up and grabbed and my hair doesn't actually change from one year to the next! I always feel like they're the adult version of those kids in the playground who couldn't let me just read my book perched in a corner, they had to stand in front of me and ask "what are you reading?" over and over even though they'd never heard of it and had no interest in books.

I know it's probably my internalised ablism but I just don't know how to deal with them at all and frequently go silent as I just don't know what to say!

Crikeyalmighty · 21/06/2023 22:36

@Dustyyy - I'm definitely somewhere in the middle- I'm very sociable but after 2 hours- I've had enough company !! It's got worse as I've got older.

MagicTape · 21/06/2023 22:37

FatGirlSwim · 21/06/2023 22:33

That’s a fab idea. I’m trying not to make too much of an issue of it so doing it gradually like this might help.

I’ll also try to slowly reduce her social time I think so that she learns to cope with more down time. I worry about how she’ll cope in the future otherwise.

Show quote history

I know this slowly slowly approach is what's recommended by OT and so on but I think sometimes you just need a common sense approach. Have you tried making her eat 12 chicken nuggets before she's allowed any other food? You know what they say, "they won't eat if they're not hungry!"

Grenola · 21/06/2023 22:40

Best.thread.ever

ever

Original poster
Dustyyy · 21/06/2023 22:41

@MagicTape you’re very compassionate and clearly very knowledgeable. You’re right, there is more to NTs than just neurotypicality. So much more. I can’t think what, but I know there is.

P.S. I’m thinking of signing up to a neurotypical awareness webinar so I can learn more.

OP posts:
FatGirlSwim · 21/06/2023 22:43

MagicTape · 21/06/2023 22:37

I know this slowly slowly approach is what's recommended by OT and so on but I think sometimes you just need a common sense approach. Have you tried making her eat 12 chicken nuggets before she's allowed any other food? You know what they say, "they won't eat if they're not hungry!"

Show quote history

Thanks for this, I think sometimes what you really need is to hear it from people who have been there and understand. The theory is all very well but the OT has no idea what it’s like living with a child who will literally eat any food put in front of them. Once, she had two different sauces on the plate and didn’t bat an eyelid when they mixed together. I just worry that if we don’t act, it could become ingrained and will be much harder to break the habit.

megletthesecond · 21/06/2023 22:45

Sniggering along here. Worthy of classics.

ContractQuestion · 21/06/2023 22:47

Hmm I don't know if its NT awareness that's needed for parents of NT kids. Maybe some more parenting classes would help? I think help is offered too easily and what is needed is to make it harder to get diagnosed as NT, and we should really think about whether the adjustments are just pandering to NT tendancies.

ContractQuestion · 21/06/2023 22:48

Fatgirlswim - gosh that really is a bad case. Have they no shame? Next you'll be telling me they're fine with "eating noises" - what disgusting table manners NT peope have, why can't they eat quietly without scraping.

FatGirlSwim · 21/06/2023 22:50

Dustyyy · 21/06/2023 22:41

@MagicTape you’re very compassionate and clearly very knowledgeable. You’re right, there is more to NTs than just neurotypicality. So much more. I can’t think what, but I know there is.

P.S. I’m thinking of signing up to a neurotypical awareness webinar so I can learn more.

There are some fantastic resources available. Your dh is so lucky to have someone who is prepared to understand his quirks and accept him as he is, despite the difficulties that come with NT disorders.

I understand that NT people can be really rewarding to be around if you take the right approach. Of course, they also have to make an effort and understand what hard work they are and how lucky they are to have us.