Married to a Neurotypical - Support Thread Number 1

[Dustyyy]

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of mixed NT/ND partnerships. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (Neurotypical partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong).

I’ll start. My husband is neurotypical (or if you prefer, person with neurotypicality) and he annoys me with his constant low-level noise and general presence around the house. He doesn’t understand that some of us need peace and quiet and aren’t interested in mundane chit chat. How do other autistic people cope?

Lol. This is why I’m in an ND/ND marriage. It just wouldn’t work otherwise. Just too many differences in one’s safe space iyswim.

I suspect DH is NT. One of the things I struggle with is him constantly wanting to cram our calendar with social events, especially of the type which involve lots of people at once.

My dh is I'm sure of it , he's never been diagnosed and he's not interested in finding out , but he does have many quirks.

He will only wear the one design in trousers , and same colour , and own 10+ pairs of the same thing . Same for shoes , black , same design , have been purchasing for 15+ years , wouldn't know what would happen if they stopped doing them.

He doesn't pick up on many clues , so doesn't realise that if people are not really interested in what he might be talking about , you should change the subject , or that sometimes you pause to allow the other person to talk.I

He gets very focused on a subject and then wants to explain it to me in great detail, even if I'm showing no real interest. I could also be watching a film or engrossed in a Book but he will still come into the room and immediately start chatting away not realising that what I'm doing is important to me and needs my concentration.

Does anyone's partner do this ?

Sometimes I fantasise what it would be like to leave the marriage. To be able to watch documentaries all evening by myself without any conversation. To not be under constant pressure to meet my partner’s need for connection. Bliss. I deal with my emotions by myself. Why can’t he? He’s so needy. I know NTs can’t help it but I’m resentful. He’s selfish and just won’t give me my own space. I’ve had enough of being blamed for his unhappiness. If it wasn’t for the children I would leave.

DH knows never to use my favourite spoon and fork or give it to anyone else who visits 😂. We don't really have any problems and roll along in harmony together, he has said it took a long time to get used to my ways and understand my personality 🤣
I hate how NT are seen as normal and us ND are weirdos. DH says I'm his wee quirky weirdo and I love it.
He annoys me with his habit of having football on, listening to sport interviews and also talks all at the same time. I have ordered Flare audio ear pods. He mutes anything that's annoying for me, such as commentators with a certain pitch or drone.

I'm so sorry 💓 that's a horrible way to live. That sounds so draining there's no way I could do that.

@MayBeee yep my Husband does this with interruptions. We had a conversation about it and he's not stopped completely but so much better. If he gets something in his head, at the moment it's a particular car, he's obsessed with it all. He's overloading my brain, he sees the signs he's reaching my end of tether point.

Another thing I find really challenging with not only DH but also NTs in general such as work colleagues is the fact that they seem to have so little attention to detail a lot of the time. Even with my ADHD and its impact on concentration, I just notice and see so many things that NTs seems completely oblivious to! It drives me bananas! It makes it so hard to communicate because I don’t know whether they’ve seen what I have and I’m not sure what foundation I’m building on when I try to explain things. I don’t like to assume they are not smart but they don’t recall things photographically, they don’t organise information properly in their minds and they seem to operate through a treacle of vague assumptions and waffle and constantly lack clarity on things. Sorry maybe that’s really harsh but hoping this is a safe space for this sort of frustration. I know they can’t help it, it’s just how they are.

I'm lucky that my DH is one of the introverted NTs. He's not a fan of pubs and places like that.
We generally tick along OK but to be honest, we are currently living a bit like brother and sister. I really struggle with the NT intimacy style. Soft kissing, feather light touches.... makes me want to scream. I need firm pressure and am grossed out by swapping spit.

One thing my DH that causes issues is he will wake up and say, "why don't we go to (insert place) today?" Without planning it in advance. He expects me to just agree and then go. No looking at the place online before hand, no checking whether there are toilets nearby, no planning the route to the letter, writing a list, packing a bag, looking where we will eat..
Nightmare

Whispering I really feel that one! What are they thinking?!

My NT partner wants to cuddle all night long. Have these people never heard of personal space?

OMG this is brilliant 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Thanks OP for this thread. I need the support of those who understand.

I have friends who I suspect are NT. What I find interesting is how they don't understand my ND nuance but call it black and white thinking or being stubborn, when I think they simply want me to accept whatever they say hook, line and sinker because it's the norm.

To me, they're the stubborn ones for not accepting to agree to disagree. Instead they want to force their opinions and ways of doing things on me, refusing to see (or incapable of seeing) my own pov as I see theirs.

Thank you @Dustyyy for this thread. My DD is I think ND and this is really helping me understand what might be her point of view.

This really connects with me! Thanks for the thread, OP!

Yes so helpful. We know NT have communication issues but sometimes they accuse me of lack of empathy when they aren't being understanding or empathetic to how I'm feeling or even try to understand where I'm coming from!

Another thing my NT DH does is move my things!
He says he's tidying up but object permanence is a thing and I need my stuff where I can see it. I hate how NTs want to hide everything away in cupboards and drawers. I can't find anything when it's like that, or I forget the thing exists altogether!

My OH isn't diagnosed as NT or anything, but when he does things like disregard my feeling and just act like an inconsiderate arsehole I know that must be why. I feel deceived that he never told me he's NT before we got married l and sometimes I think that NT people just shouldn't be in relationships at all.

I think it’s always important to ask is it NT or NasTy - just because you are NT doesn’t mean you have a free pass to be an abusive arsehole!

We've been having issues around birthdays and presents. Anyone else's NT partner expect them to open any presents in front of them and expect them to react in a certain way to said presents?
I much prefer to open presents alone yet my NT husband will sit in front of me when I open them and expect me to fake a gushing 'oh wow, this is amazing' response, conplete with dramatic facial expressions, even when said gift is not so special. I'm not ungrateful, I just don't like lying or exaggeration.

I’m so pleased to find this thread! My daughter (13) and I are both autistic and funding it so hard living with and adapting to DHs NT needs!

he doesn’t understand that we just get absorbed in our phones and don’t want to say ‘love you’ every time he passes by or listen to endless noise from the echo in the front room! We’ve adapted the front room to be his sanctuary but he still overspills into the rest of the house which we are barely tolerating!

he also doesn’t appreciate us sending him links to info when he asks a question!

how do NTs really cope without us around!

This thread has made my day 🙂

Bloody brilliant thread op.

me and dh are both ND. There's no way I could live happily with an NT person.