Married to a Neurotypical - Support Thread Number 1

[Dustyyy]

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of mixed NT/ND partnerships. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (Neurotypical partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong).

I’ll start. My husband is neurotypical (or if you prefer, person with neurotypicality) and he annoys me with his constant low-level noise and general presence around the house. He doesn’t understand that some of us need peace and quiet and aren’t interested in mundane chit chat. How do other autistic people cope?

It’s so good to have this thread for support!

I suspect my ex is neurotypical. He’s never been diagnosed, but people didn’t know much about neutotypicality when he was a child, back in the 1960s. It’s not immediately obvious, but all the signs are there: he makes lots of unnecessary and uncomfortable eye contact, attributes peoples mood to things like facial expressions and tone of voice instead of what they actually say, and has dozens of superficial interests. Also he kept trying to stick his tongue in my mouth until I made it really clear it was weird.

Thank goodness he’s an ex!

😃😃😃

@WhatInFreshHell I know it may seem unfair but neurotypicals can’t help the way the are. I don’t describe NTs as “normal”. I think “conformists” or “people with a beige personality” are less offensive terms.

🤣🤣

Dying

Thanks Dustyyy
I will keep a spreadsheet recording data as a linear narrative is perverse

There’s a good book which explains some of the inexplicable behaviour of some NTs. it’s really helpful. You get some fascinating insight into how some can make decisions by making wild and general assumptions - facts are optional. So weird!

I think they can learn. I mean, we can be understanding of why it’s hard for them if they’re just not wired that way, but they do have to consider other people. It’s in their interests to learn these skills otherwise they’ll never hold down jobs, build relationships, and that will surely affect their self esteem. I think you probably need to explain to them exactly why their behaviour is unacceptable? And how much easier it would be for them too if they can learn to communicate clearly and directly? There are some excellent social skills books aimed at people with neurotypicality.

I don't understand why it's so difficult for NT to ignore people, not make eye contact or speak just to fill the air instead of when there is something to say.

I find it all really rude and terrible manners that they constantly want to be friends by asking you surface questions and wanting to know superficial things about you (that you really don't care about).

I think they should learn to be more like me: willing to be alone, enjoy their own company, ask deep and relevant questions, give deep, thoughtful and long-winded answers, or just not talk.

I must say I blame their parents when they were young for not teaching them basic (ND) manners and etiquette. They may need behavioural therapy to overcome these challenges or they'll struggle with (ND) people.

@BeastOfBODMAS

recording data as a linear narrative is perverse

love it! (And spreadsheets)

Fatgirlswim yes you are so right it's just so exhausting sometimes having to constantly teach and correct. But you're right it can be done for some cases.

OP you are just getting better and better. First thread to have me in stitches in ages.

I'm NT with an ND partner. Read the title wrong and was initially confused but I'm loving it. Funniest thing I've read in months - actually laughing out loud thinking this must be how he sees me!

The empathy problem is always there I find. Anyone else? So many NT can only see one way and lack empathy, even when explained to them.

contractquestion yes, I agree, I think they have to be pretty high functioning to develop those skills but some are capable of getting it, I think. And if he’s grown up undiagnosed and managed to find a partner, he’s not severely neurotypical.

I think there’s a bit of a trend towards neurotypical disorders atm, so much on tik tok, and a lot of it is just a variation of normal behaviour. I think it can be used as an excuse by some - if they are bright, they can learn.

One thing I really struggle with is the lack of empathy. If I'm upset about something, he'll just ask a series of increasingly intrusive questions which makes me feel isolated and makes it clear he doesn't have any idea about what's going on with me, rather than sensitively letting me know I'm not alone by sharing his vulnerability and telling me about a time in his own experience which was in some way similar to show he understands and strengthen our bond.

I’m not married to an NT but there are several people in my family who I believe are likely to be suffering from neurotypicality. For me, it’s the constant small talk and needing to ask strangers questions about themselves and their lives. The most trivial, irrelevant details like where they’re going on holiday, and wanting to hear the detail of experiences when it’s got nothing to do with them and they’ll never see the person again, so there’s really no point in building a rapport. They don’t seem to see how inappropriate that is or how rude their questioning might appear. It can be embarrassing if I’m honest, and they just come across as odd.

I totally feel that. Mine actually gets annoyed if I share a similar experience to show that I relate to the situation. He says I'm 'making it all about me'.

@MyWishIsMyCommand one thing that really bugs me about people with neurotypicality at work is when they come in on a Monday morning and ask “how was your weekend?”. I always take the time to tell them in detail how my weekend was and what I did, then their eyes just glaze over as if I’m boring them. How rude?!!!!! Yet if I ask how their weekend was they just say “not too bad, thanks” then walk off!!! NTs have really poor social skills and they seem unaware or unwilling to do anything about it. Grrrrr.

I try not to judge because, really, aren't we all on the NT spectrum?

I'm fairly sure on reading this that my in-laws are NT. It's just so upsetting seeing them live such limited lives - they thrive on triviality, never seem to be able to speak honestly about anything, and have no special interests to really drive them.

I don't think they'd be interested in getting diagnosed at their ages, but I suppose at least I know the problem now. So sad.

I think that’s very true, we all have NT traits if we look hard enough for them. NT people often imagine that they’re the only ones finding things difficult when actually we all struggle with these things and have to cope.

😂😂

The other thing I find is that they just lack passion and thorough-ness. They have surface level interests but when you really look, the level of knowledge just isn’t there. They seem to be able to shift to other things quite easily like they just don’t care - if I interrupt them, they’ll answer straight away like they’re not even engaged in what they’re doing.

They don’t share much about their interests either, you’d expect a lot of information sharing wouldn’t you, and it feels like they just don’t care about sharing a passion with me. It makes me feel really unloved. When I share about my interests, they glaze over and it’s clear they aren’t really interested in learning about the joy it brings me. I find it really sad that they’ll never know a genuine, all consuming interest.

I guess we just have to learn to accept them as they are though.

I’m not sure what good a diagnosis would do really, it’s not as though there’s any medication for it. We can try to accommodate them without having to label it. Also, telling them they are neurotypical might just make them feel different, or allow them to use it as an excuse.

I’m upset that my autistic son is invited to so many birthday parties. Poor kid just wants a quiet weekend playing Minecraft, but he doesn’t want to upset his classmates, so he goes along and joins in everything. He’s so selfless and I’m really proud of him. 🥳☺️