Married to a Neurotypical - Support Thread Number 1

[Dustyyy]

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of mixed NT/ND partnerships. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (Neurotypical partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong).

I’ll start. My husband is neurotypical (or if you prefer, person with neurotypicality) and he annoys me with his constant low-level noise and general presence around the house. He doesn’t understand that some of us need peace and quiet and aren’t interested in mundane chit chat. How do other autistic people cope?

I know this is small fry compared to your problems but I feel the need to offload anyway.

My DP doesn't seem to understand precision and misses fine details. One of the things that annoys me the most is his inability to spread things on bread. You know how us normal people make sure the butter is spread right up into each corner and right to the edges of the bread, well he doesn't get that at all and is really slapdash about it. It is not only aesthetically displeasing but it means there is not an even distribution of ingredients in each bite of the toast or sandwich.

I've learned to tolerate most of his quirks but this is one thing I can't compromise one.

Another one here. I'm determined not to get any sort of diagnosis relating to neurotypicality, because I'm old now. I doggedly cling to the idea that nobody's actually 'typical' and everyone has 'quirks', the polite thing being to make reasonable adjustments for our various differences.

So I'll just shut up and continue basking in the wonders of this thread, and it's successors to come.

@FatGirlSwim I shudder at the very notion of cauliflower cheese in proximity to gravy. The rules are one type of sauce per plate and appropriate to the foodstuff being served. Hope I have not inadvertently re-traumatised anyone, but I feel it’s important to validate your experience. So often the abuse is normalised as ‘everyone’ mixes gravy and cheese sauce, and in their day no one worried about such things.

Also, yes, I do think NTs can have a high IQ and can have their ‘special interests’, but we do find they lack the depth and attention to detail we would expect for an interest to be really meaningful. It’s often that they are simply engaging in the activity or topic as a way to pursue social connection rather than caring about it for its own sake. Sometimes they are fortunate and can build a meaningful career around their special interest but usually we also notice that they then do not pursue the interest outside their working hours. A few very high functioning NTs become artists or writers and there we do see a greater depth of connection to the interest than we would otherwise expect. In fact, some argue that being a writer or an artist may be a sub-type of ND.

I just want to say thank you for the addition of trigger warnings, because I think it is so important that this is a safe space.

@Craftycorvid sadly, those are the kinds of unwritten social rules that NT’s just don’t grasp. We don’t need to be taught these things because… who would need telling not to mix cheese sauce and gravy. It’s instinctive for us and we learn it through socialisation. Unfortunately, NT’s need to be taught these things explicitly and can be really taken aback when they have behaved so inappropriately, because they don’t have a clue what they’ve done wrong. It’s sad.

Oh the NT’s getting extra time in exams thing really gets my goat.

Can’t they design all exams to last 25 minutes and the poor unfortunates lacking a photographic memory can apply for extra? Rather than making everyone sit around for half a day waiting for the slowest to finish .

Cheese sauce and gravy on the same plate? Seriously who would do that? I feel so sorry for NTs that they don't know any better.

I don’t think it helps that parents of nt dc don’t make it their life’s mission to educate. I’m certainly guilty of defending my nt dc and expecting them to be treated as individuals, when with hindsight I should have seen it as my duty to educate everyone we encountered, rather than dismissing people as idiots just because they held offensive and discriminatory views.
Dd has extra time for a physical disability. Someone commented it was unfair and my response was both sarcastic and insulting, when I now realise it was my duty to acknowledge how lucky she is to get special treatment and plead for understanding.

To make amends I’d like to offer my dc as a learning experience for all the normal nd dc. You and your dc can make offensive remarks and I will calmly explain why mine are different. They are both at uni so might be slightly bemused that I’ve invited a load of young dc and their parents to stare and make patronising comments. But we’ll all be so flattered and grateful for the inclusivity we’ll put up with any old shit. And just think, anyone kind enough to interact with us can spend the next 20yrs dining out on the time they and their dc were nice to nt kids!

I think we have to be careful this doesn’t turn into an NT bashing thread. Remember they can’t help it! I did a quick search and in the last 3 days alone I found these examples of posters attributing poor behaviour to behaviour that could be displayed by ANYONE, not just NTs. I wish MNHQ would take a look.

@Scautish Many NT people on this site and society in general only see autistic people in terms of negatives and deficits and never acknowledge their own prejudices, shortcomings or double empathy issues.

@Scautish Yes, I saw some of those. The "deluded family member one" made me roll my eyes a lot. We need to take care not to stereotype NT people while still being supportive of how hard they are to live with.

Yes indeed and it is so utterly demoralising.

I think this thread is great for exposing that so thank you for starting. Though maybe those that could learn from it are to fixed in their thinking to understand?

I'm NT (undiagnosed) and this thread has been invaluable for me to, basically, not be a complete (unintended) dick. My lovely DB who is ND is living with me and it has been a real eye opener for me.
Thank you!

My poor NT husband is so rule-bound and rigid when it comes to totally arbitrary things. He gets really worked up if people are sitting the ‘wrong’ way at the table, or using the knife and fork the ‘wrong’ way round. He masks constantly: puts so much thought into the signals he sends when he dresses, and constantly tries to modify his behaviour and clothes to fit in and be liked at work - doesn’t seem to realise that actually, you can just be how you actually are and the world won’t end. It must be so exhausting! He even pretends to like people he can’t stand, which is just dishonest if you ask me.

To make things worse, he’s an extrovert too - keeps coming home saying things like “Workmate X has invited us over for dinner with their family. We should go!” He doesn’t seem to realise how inappropriate this is - forcing dinners with total strangers on me just to be polite - but I forgive him because I love him, and he can’t help being neurotypical. He doesn’t know any better.

I’ve found that giving lots of positive praise for how cool and likeable he is goes a long way towards calming and reassuring him.

using the knife and fork the ‘wrong’ way round

There is a practical reason for the knife on the right rule: so that you don't bang your elbow against the person next to you's elbow when cutting your food. If you've even dined on an aircraft, you realise how important this is.

What about the person on the left?

No, if I hold the knife in my right hand and Dsis puts the knife in her left hand and sits on my right, when we both cut food at the same time, we clash elbows.

If we both hold our knives in the right hand, we don't clash elbows even if we cut food at the same time.

We have a heady mix of left and right-handers over here, so it’s all elbow-clashing chaos anyway 😁

My lot sit round the table and I always eat on the sofa. Problem solved 😉

I much prefer table eating, at least when I'm not just chugging Huel. I'm less likely to end up wearing my dinner if I eat at the table.

Aha! Now I understand!

I don't get this thread 😕

Gosh, I didn't realise that using a knife and fork in the correct hand was an NT thing? The NT's I have the misfortune to occasionally eat with often use their fork in the wrong hand, no knife, and just shovel their food in. Thankfully I don't have to eat/mix with these people very often.

Does that mean I'm NT? 🤣🤣🤣

preferably with out extra unneeded words. just get to the fucking point.

It's more that NTs follow the rules because they've been told it's bad manners not to, whereas I didn't care until someone explained to me about the reason why it's bad manners, which is the elbow clashing.