Married to a Neurotypical - Support Thread Number 1

[Dustyyy]

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of mixed NT/ND partnerships. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (Neurotypical partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong).

I’ll start. My husband is neurotypical (or if you prefer, person with neurotypicality) and he annoys me with his constant low-level noise and general presence around the house. He doesn’t understand that some of us need peace and quiet and aren’t interested in mundane chit chat. How do other autistic people cope?

Re NTD adjustments in the workplace, do encourage them to tell colleagues about their diagnosis so that everyone knows why they're a bit "different" and can make allowances. Perhaps have them write it down in a "manual of me" entry which they use to introduce themselves and put in their email signatures?

By having them explain that they're neurotypical (so may do things like overuse eye contact, be unnecessarily vague or dishonest in their feedback, and disrupt everyone with small talk), you can make them hopefully begin to understand the impact they have on others in the workplace and question their every instinct. We can all agree this can only be for the best.

Well as a NT married to a ND person,have shown him this thread . He genuinely cannot identify with all the comments. He just gets on with his life and myself and children who are NT just get on with our lives 🤷‍♀️

He genuinely cannot identify with all the comments.

All, not any? So he identifies with some?

If you've met one NT person, you've met one NT person. The same is true for ND people. I don't identify with all of the comments but I recognise that other people do.

Yes . Am trying to give some context.

My DH identifies as NT, but tbh I’m not so sure he is. Obviously we are all on the NT spectrum somewhere and he definitely has NT traits the worst one being he always thinks I’m hinting when I’m not I’m just making a statement.

For example, if I say I have back ache he thinks that means I want a massage. I don’t. I mean I don’t mind if he wants to give me a back massage but I’m not asking for one. Then he will say ‘ooh my backs really aching’ then get annoyed when I don’t offer to rub it. If he wants a back massage why can’t he just say that?

That’s good to know. Marriages between ND and NT can work, particularly if the neurotypical partner is very high-functioning and the autistic partner is willing to accept their partner’s flaws.

 I agree, very encouraging.

I think you should go post on the other thread @Wellgoodforyou and share your tips - I think this is the latest link?

Meanwhile, I wonder if we need to update our OP with something that makes it clear that we don't welcome any debate, discussion or objections, and that characterising someone entirely through the lens of their neurological profile is fine.

I don't know, something like - "NT partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong"?

@AutisticGoat this stipulation is already in the OP 😊

You are so right! Honestly, imagine not reading the instructions or forgetting them, showing my inner NT there.

Saw this on my Facebook earlier and thought I'd share!

"Being neurotypical doesn't come with a manual. It comes with a parent who never gives up. ❤️❤️❤️"

😂😂😂
#nailedit

@AutisticGoat it's okay, neurotypicalism is a spectrum so we've all got some symptoms. You're still you. Just be careful not to let it turn into full blown neurotypicalism, for your family's sake as much as your own. Sending love and strength ❤️

I love this!

🤣😂

Classic 🤣

What a shame a thread that could actually offer genuine support is instead a Thread About A Thread.

Urgh. There are many threads for support. If you can't find one you could always make your own.

As it happens this thread offers more support to me than any other i have seen in here in years. It's perfect.

Honestly as an autistic person this is one of the best most helpful threads I've ever read on mn (that and @AutismProf s amazing thread answering parent queries.

Is it a NT approach that being supportive has to look a particular way? Maybe they need help with subtext and seeing things from others perspectives as to what others might find supportive?

Agreed. This thread is incredibly supportive in my view. Uplifting too.

@Haffiana the best support is for autistic people to know there is nothing wrong with them and to rise above the ablism that they face everyday.

A-fucking-men!

I am tired of reading and hearing about how everything about autistic people is just so so hard for the Normal People to live with that need need support groups and medals simply to make it through the day.

It made me so paranoid I had several conversations with my husband asking him to be honest with me and tell me if life with me was unbearable. He assured me it wasn't and he's happy. I couldn't believe that he didn't secretly resent me!

Tbh I still worry that he does.

@Haffiana

yet another example of a non autistic person trying to dictate and control us.

many people including me have said this thread is helpful. This thread makes me feel less alone and less misunderstood.

this is a thread about a thousand threads. And about the ableist and condescending and ignorant world we live in.

👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼❤️

Well said Scautish