Married to a Neurotypical - Support Thread Number 1

[Dustyyy]

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of mixed NT/ND partnerships. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (Neurotypical partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong).

I’ll start. My husband is neurotypical (or if you prefer, person with neurotypicality) and he annoys me with his constant low-level noise and general presence around the house. He doesn’t understand that some of us need peace and quiet and aren’t interested in mundane chit chat. How do other autistic people cope?

I have asked mumsnet if they would delete pistes I made so this would not continue. I read the li is OP out and I recognise I was wrong. I don't want to keep on about it because I have already ruined part of the thread

@chemistnightmare It's ok. You're probably just a bit NT. They misinterpret us all the time! 😉

😆

I don't want to keep on about it because I have already ruined part of the thread

No you haven't. Some wording upset you, you called it out, we explained why it's used, you explained that it makes you feel invalidated (I think that's the word?) and like your disability is erased. Now I understand why you were upset. It would never have dawned on me that someone would feel erased by the social model of disability. Now that I understand your perspective, I know to take more care in future.

Wow. Thank you so much. I really appreciate this reply. I have read the links in the thread and I am understanding much more now so I guess we are all getting something out of it.

I'm trying to think of a clever reply here but I just don't have it. Maybe I do have a touch of the NT about me 😩

Send help...

If it means anything I don't think you ruined it and I don't think you should leave either. I hope you stay if you've been enjoying it

It's been confirmed on this thread, it's not us ND's who lack empathy, compassion and understanding. It's all a myth perpetuated by NT's in order to make themselves feel better about their shortcomings.

A misunderstanding on this thread, followed by explanations and apologies. Lovely outcome ❤Mutual understanding.

Meanwhile, in NT MN land, people are ripped to shreds and are often scared off by pack mentality.

It makes me proud to be ND 😁

This is a really good observation - I am so happy that not only have I learned something but I have been listened to. I'm not scared to admit when I am wrong and apologise but I often find people don't accept it. That's hasn't happened here.

Thank you all.

Do you actually know any NT people who are bright though? I've yet to meet one.

This thread is epic, if impossible. Everyone knows you autism lot don’t understand humour, and have no empathy so you’re probably just being offensive to the poor hard done to nts and blaming your autism. None of us with adhd are even here cos we’re all scatter brains and we’re busy committing acts of violence somewhere.
Perhaps an asd with a proper dx, and therefore good at anything scientific, rather than one of y’all that got a label cos it’s fashionable can explain the science behind why this thread exists when it’s physically impossible?

I haven’t really got any complaints on the dp front, he’s incredibly high functioning, maybe even ‘a bit adhd’ cos he has basic social skills, such as the ability to follow multiple subjects at once, rapid changes in conversation, is direct, understands basic social etiquette such as not mixing food textures etc.

But fuck me nt colleagues are hard work. Always expecting ridiculous adjustments such as only being expected to concentrate on one task at a time, getting stressed when it’s chaos when it’s entirely natural to be calm as fuck in a crisis. The inability to hyper focus.

Even things you think should be straightforward they’re banging on about wanting their self indulgent nt needs pandering to. Getting all butt hurt because you’ve supplied a fact, rather than a 17 paragraph essay akin to an international diplomatic statement. Being professionally offended because you aren’t making eye contact like a bad audition for gone with the wind when they are talking. Thinking it’s ok to discuss shit like eating poached or soft boiled eggs for breakfast, surely anyone that can work is capable of learning that eating runny egg yolk is a private and somewhat fucked up subject and not one to discuss in public.

I think they can be academically bright but will always pack social awareness, so often can’t apply their intelligence sadly.

You most definitely do not suffer from any kind of NT disorder… you interpreted people’s clear and direct communication correctly, admitted a mistake and moved on. You most definitely belong here.

😆

^^ This.

Do we really need to discuss if any of them are bright? Wouldn’t anyone be if they had all the teachers time and got to hog a teaching assistant all the time like the nt kid in every class does?

If any of them appear to function highly in any area it just proves they are being awkward and could fit in better with the nd world if they put a bit of effort in.

Someone upthread offered counselling for the sweetcorn distress, which was incredibly kind of them. To be honest though I need to stop talking about it, because there's a risk of cPTSD with these things.

Oh my word, yes - the constant self-indulgent hogging of the TAs, when if they just tried a bit harder to be quiet and blend in they'd be fine.

The sweetcorn post should have had a trigger warning. It’s all very well making allowances for nts, provided it doesn’t inconvenience us in any way and we can be smug and patronising about it, but they can’t use their nt as an excuse for horrific shit like that.

*lack, of course.

That’s completely understandable.

trigger warning

I had an incident at Christmas about ten years ago now when MIL, who I believe to be NT although she would never consider a diagnosis as it ‘didn’t exist in her day’ allowed my gravy to touch my cauliflower cheese whilst serving a roast. Then became extremely offended when I was understandably unable to touch anything on my plate.

Sometimes all you can do is bury these things. You assimilate them as part of you, and learn to live with them.

I completely agree.

I understand that some of them get extra time in exams too. I think people want a diagnosis for these reasons sometimes. I’m sure there are genuine cases but there seems to be one in every class these days.

I usually think mils get an undeserved hard time on here. But then I read something like this and I completely understand where the attitude stems from. Next you’ll be telling me she thinks it’s ok to not only get mushy peas from the chip shop but to let them touch the fish.

mushy peas from the chip shop

🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮

Actually, any kind of sauce from the chip shop. 🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮

And anything on chips that isn't salt, vinegar, or cheese. 🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮