Married to a Neurotypical - Support Thread Number 1

[Dustyyy]

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of mixed NT/ND partnerships. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (Neurotypical partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong).

I’ll start. My husband is neurotypical (or if you prefer, person with neurotypicality) and he annoys me with his constant low-level noise and general presence around the house. He doesn’t understand that some of us need peace and quiet and aren’t interested in mundane chit chat. How do other autistic people cope?

How can someone without a disability suffer from ableism? If you don't have a disability why are you appropriating this language, surely you can see that it is wrong to claim ableism when as you say yourself there is 'nothing wrong with you'. Maybe you are 'rising above' things you don't to see/hear/experience everyday as many people do but if you aren't disabled then you are wrong to claim to suffer from ableism.

As a person with a disability I find it a bit insulting tbh that someone with 'nothing wrong with them' would claim to know what ableism feels like.

She didn't say she doesn't have a disability. She's saying there is nothing wrong with someone who has a disability. You don't become "wrong". It doesn't make you "wrong". You don't deserve to be treated like you are "wrong". That is how ND people are treated. That is ableism.

As a person with a disability I find it a bit insulting tbh that someone with 'nothing wrong with them' would claim to know what ableism feels like.

Are you not familiar with the social model of disability?

The social model of disability...

the understanding that disability is something that is created by society.

🙄🙄🙄

I do consider myself as an autistic person to have a hidden disability. Some don’t identify as disabled and that’s fine.

Disabled doesn’t = ‘something wrong with them’ 🫤… that’s exactly what the social model of disability is.

Best, most neuro-affirming thread ever. Anyone who doesn’t get it is free to scroll on.

Incomplete to be honest there are times I feel like I deserve a medal. Tonight DH made us all an early supper and he served me and poured gravy all over my sweetcorn. I am so thoroughly fed up of him casually mixing textures together. I managed to bite my lip, but I'm so glad this thread exists so I can vent here with others who understand what the challenges are. If only more support had been around when DH was young.

@SpikyMetalCircleMaker LTB

@FatGirlSwim thank you! You captured my thoughts 100%.

@chemistnightmare why are rolling your eyes at the social model of disability? Are you autistic?

<sigh>

The social model of disability is a little more complex than that. I'll illustrate by example.

Alice is paraplegic, meaning that she cannot walk and uses a wheelchair to travel. Paraplegia is Alice's functional impairment. Alice is disabled because she lives in a world that fails to accommodate paraplegic people.

Alice moves to a new town that is designed by a paraplegic architect with input from other paraplegic people to accommodate Alice and people like her. All the housing units are single floor, with hoists fitted as standard in bedrooms and roll-in showers with supportive seats in bathrooms. Restaurant tables don't have seats placed at them and folding seats are brought out when a non-paraplegic visitor comes to the restaurant. Everything is built at wheelchair height. Desks and kitchen worktops are height-adjustable. All buildings have step-free access, with lifts where a building must be multi-floored. Housing unit lights are wall-mounted uplighters at wheelchair-friendly height or can be pulled down with blind-type mechanism so that so that residents can even change their own light bulbs. The gym has equipment that can be used from a wheelchair or transferred to easily. Living in this town, Alice is no longer disabled.

Now imagine Autismville, and how it might differ from everywhere else. That vision of Autismville is part of what this thread is about.

@chemistnightmare have you told Scope that it’s patronising bullsh*t?

Me too!

@chemistnightmare are Disability Rights UK patronising bullshitters too?

You know you don't have to stay if you don't like it....

@chemistnightmare dont backtrack. You rolled your eyes at the social model of disability before @VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia even commented

This thread is fantastic.

I'm ND and I'm partnered with an NT person and our relationship is great.

But so much of this thread resonates with my previous relationships and my work environment.

Oh, ok. I actually did like it. It's the best thread I have seen in years so I'm sorry it's gone that way for me.

I think I don't under it properly because I always feel like people are minimising my disabilities when they talk about it being created by society. It makes me feel like they are saying it's not real.

But I don't want any arguments and I reacted badly so I am just going to leave now.

I'm not backtracking. I did roll my eyes at it but it was the autismville comment that further annoyed me.

I was so happy you made this thread you know, you can stop having a go at me for getting it wrong I really thought that meant my disability isn't real .

How about none of us leave and we get on with the real cause of supporting those poor souls out there?

After all, "When enough people care about neurotypicality or diabetes or global warming, it helps everyone, even if only a tiny fraction actively participate.” -Seth Godin"

I commented because of the eyeroll.

The social model isn't perfect because it doesn't account for pain. A migraine will be disabling because of the pain, no matter what measures are taken to accommodate the migraine sufferer. We can do things that help, like providing a dark quiet space in larger public buildings, dimming lights and being more tolerant of indoor use of sunglasses, and allowing people to bring migraine alert dogs to more places, but there's no getting around the person needing to be in a dark room for a while. For migraine sufferers, the medical model of disability, where we try to reduce the impairment itself, is the most appropriate model.

The social and medical models both have their appropriate use cases. For autism, the social model is what best applies. You can't medicate autism away. You can't cut the autism out of someone's brain.

Sweetcorn with gravy is barbaric! I am available to counsel the poster who has suffered this abuse.

@chemistnightmare I think there's room here for everyone who enjoys the spirit of the thread. It was a misunderstanding that got heated, but hey! I have ADHD, so can forget a one-off argument and start fresh with no effort whatsoever.

I always feel like people are minimising my disabilities when they talk about it being created by society. It makes me feel like they are saying it's not real.

a) Something created by society can have a profound and real effect on people. Laws against homosexuality were created by society via the medium of Parliament and they had a profound and real effect upon all the men who were jailed for consensual same-sex acts and on all the men who didn't dare have sex even once or who pretended to be straight. Failing to accommodate disabled people is a societal failing that has a profound and real effect on disabled people and our friends and families.

b) See my immediately prior post about how sometimes the medical model is valid.