My husband strangled me last night.

[LivingMyBestAnxietyLife]

Basically that really. I've been with my husband for 10 years. He has always had a temper and can be quite shouty at times. He has pushed me over a few times during arguments over the years but last night was the first time he has strangled me...its escalating isn't it? His dad beat his mum until she managed to get away from him and I'm worried about his temper and behaviour.

We are happily married despite this but he has a problem with drinking which is getting worse too but I'm scared now! He told me he is sorry but that's what they all say isn't it...im so shocked do you think this could have been a one time thing or am I being silly. He was drunk but that's no excuse.

I'm so pleased to read that you are going to leave him @LivingMyBestAnxietyLife

It's the only option available to you if you want to feel safe in your own home, and to protect your children from his behaviour. (Because even if you think they haven't been affected, they will have been. If not now, they will be before long. Whether it's seeing how downtrodden and nervous you've become, seeing how nervous you are of him drinking, seeing you become a jumpy shadow of your former self, seeing how badly he treats you.... this isn't the model of a relationship you want them to use in their own adult relationships is it.

And YOU deserve so much better too. This isn't what a good relationship looks like. When someone loves you they don't hurt you or frighten you or threaten you. Your husband should be your biggest defender (and you his). He should be your safe place, where you go for comfort and reassurance. He is the opposite. He is a threat to you - quite literally to your life.

He may say he's sorry. He may even be sorry, to an extent. He may hide behind the excuse of the alcohol making him act like that. He may promise never to do it again. BUT

• if he was truly sorry he wouldn't have drunk alcohol to excess ever again once he realised what it did to him.
• if he was truly sorry, and truly loved you, he would be so appalled by his actions he would be telling YOU that you shouldn't be together as he can't bear the idea of hurting you
• if he was truly sorry, he would completely understand that you can't be together anymore.

Do what is safe and right for you and your children, not the violent abusive man. And don't let him guilt you in to staying either.... HE is the one who can't control himself after drink (or worse still, can control himself and chose to do what he did ). HE is the one who's a threat. He's the one who's ruined your marriage.

You absolutely need to leave him. He was even prepared to do this in public in a taxi, imagine how much worse it could have been in private?!

DO NOT tell him to leave when you are on your own, have someone with you. In fact, don’t be alone with him again. I would record everything on voice memo on your phone so you have a record if you need it.

I would definitely report this to the police, you actually need to or else it will be difficult for you to force him to leave the marital home. Do not tell his mother before you kick him out as she may tell him.

Start thinking practically, not emotionally. You know what you need to do. Good luck.

There’s a reason non-fatal strangulation is now a stand alone defence - several women who end up murdered by their partners are strangled first. I don’t want to scare you but you need to be aware of that. Get out as soon as you can.

Offence not defence jfc

@LivingMyBestAnxietyLife

OMG this is horrific.

As soon as you are safely away from him, please do enrol in the free online course called ‘The Freedom Programme’:

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Wishing you all the best xx

Quite often a person can make an exit plan when a relationship is ending.

You do not have this luxury.

You need to report to the Police, if you have any marks take a photo. He will want access to his children even if you break up, you want them round him unsupervised? you need evidence.

One of the main reasons women have children removed is because they stay with violent partners.

Stop thinking about what any other family members will think, take action now.
Have worked with DV survivors, some had their children removed and some were lucky to be alive.

He tried to kill you!
That is awful!

I will never understand why some people hate their partner so much that they’d rather physically hurt them or kill them. rather than leave.
I guess they don’t want to be with them but don’t want anyone else having them.

Good luck for kicking him out.

If you are close to his mum I’d tell her what happened and then get her to ask him to go hers and then once he’s out tell him that he’s not welcome back and you’ll drop his stuff off at his mums tomorrow when the kids are at school as you don’t want them to be any more affected than what they already are.

Your poor kids!

I remember my dad strangling my mum.
This was 25 years ago and I still hear the noises she made and we managed to get in through a window (we were outside) to her in time so he let go.

Yes you know what you have to do, it's bound to be hard but you really have no choice. You know that he will say he is sorry every time but he'll still do it again.
So very sorry this is happening to you.
Did the taxi driver not say anything?
Are you going to the police?

Hi OP,
I have just read your posts.

Stay strong. Don't allow your kids to have to grow up without their mum. End this relationship - and yes report him to the police.

You could end up also saving someone else's life if they are warned about his behaviour under disclosure laws.

You can do this x

You are not 'happily married'

Leave this bastard as soon as you safely can. Report the fucker and NEVER go back to him. Protect your child and protect yourself. I don't mean to frighten you but he could kill you next time.

You will know what a happy relationship is one day - this is not it.

My god. I am so sorry.

You are not happily married and there is no "despite this".
Take heed of all the excellent advice offered and get out.

Please please stay strong. They next time he may finish the job, your children need you to do the right thing and keep them safe. Call the Police and have him removed tonight, tomorrow morning may be too late. I know this is not easy but it is easier than your children growing up without a mum. Thinking of you x

Strangulation is one of the key factors in escalation to killing in domestic abuse. Get out now

@LivingMyBestAnxietyLife I'm sending you my love.

Earlier today I posted an AMA as a child who grew up with a violent father and my mother almost died from strangulation.
Last time I saw my dad before he died he tried to strangle me.

Being strangled for me was worse than anything I've encountered, including being raped. Its the most horrific way to have your own agency taken, it really is having your life in someone's hands. I've also been strangled by an ex who was also like my father, an alcoholic.

If you need any support, encouragement or anything else please inbox me and I'll always listen and help in anyway I can.

You're not alone and you're going to be free soon x

I hope you’re ok. The inner voice that promoted you to post is absolutely right. Once is once too often. He’s now a violent abuser and it’s literally impossible for him to undo that and become a non-violent husband. Every time a man abuses a woman there’s a ‘reason’ - he was drunk, or acted out of character, or was stressed, or it wasn’t as bad as the woman claims, or he was provoked. It’s all totally unacceptable. Either a man has self control and acts appropriately during disagreements or he’s a man you have to get away from. His apology is meaningless because you simply can’t accept an apology for domestic violence and move on - he’s proven himself to be dangerous if you stay with him. It’s a relationship-ending action.

We are happily married despite this

I don’t see how this can be true, OP.

Watched a program of TV called Sleeping with my Murderer. The psychologist said if a man uses any kind of strangulation then he is at highest risk of murdering the woman.

Get out and get out safely. call womens aid.

@LivingMyBestAnxietyLife You aren't answering the question asked by many - What the taxi driver do when he saw this ?

I hope he saw it because then you have a witness.

Why is it almost always the abused and their dc that have to flee their home rather than the abuser.

My ex strangled me till I passed out, blacking out was the scariest moment of my life. It scared him the first time and he jumped back and dropped me. Next time I wouldn't have been so lucky.

It really is the boiled frog scenario. My DD was with an abusive man. She'd make excuses for him, forgive him, believe his assurances, get used to a normality of abuse... we (her friends and family) got her out.

It escalates, OP, it ALWAYS escalates. He can't show the extent of his (usually unprovoked) annoyance by doing the same as before, so he keeps having to go one step further. And there's only one step worse than he's done now.

You must get away from him. You should report this. You must never forgive and never forget.
Be safe 💐

You aren't answering the question asked by many - What the taxi driver do when he saw this ?

Well she's not coming back to the thread either so let's just hope she's safe.

I’m so sorry for everything you have been through x

You literally only strangle to kill.
There is no other reason.

In that moment he wanted OP dead and you are absolutely right that he is capable of murder.

I can’t ever imagine hating someone so much that I want to kill them with my bare hands and leave their children without a mother.