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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My husband strangled me last night.

372 replies

LivingMyBestAnxietyLife · 08/05/2023 14:07

Basically that really. I've been with my husband for 10 years. He has always had a temper and can be quite shouty at times. He has pushed me over a few times during arguments over the years but last night was the first time he has strangled me...its escalating isn't it? His dad beat his mum until she managed to get away from him and I'm worried about his temper and behaviour.

We are happily married despite this but he has a problem with drinking which is getting worse too but I'm scared now! He told me he is sorry but that's what they all say isn't it...im so shocked do you think this could have been a one time thing or am I being silly. He was drunk but that's no excuse.

OP posts:
pinkstinks · 08/05/2023 14:44

Hi op!
please please talk about the strangulation with police/womens aid and also gp if possible.

Strangulation is extremely
dangerous and there can be long lasting effects so it’s really important to get checked out.

I don’t want to alarm you but victims
of NFS are 7x more likely to be killed at a later date this is really serious

please make contact with an IDVA via womens aid and give as much detail as you can as soon as you can. Today if you can.

CrackersCheeseAndWinePlease · 08/05/2023 14:45

I don't know the exact statistics but I know once a man has strangled you the chances of him killing you are much higher.
You're doing the right thing by leaving your children will thank you for it.
Where is he now? Are you safe?

DrDavidStarKey · 08/05/2023 14:45

I have nerve damage to my tongue and larynx for over a year after my ex strangled me. I left as soon as he was asleep.

theWarOnPeace · 08/05/2023 14:45

You must report to the police. It will help overall in terms of accessing legal aid, access issues with the children later down the line. You need to be mindful of evidence all the time unfortunately. If he’s sent things like WhatsApp messages admitting to things/apologising or whatever, email to yourself. You’re in dangerous spot now and are like a sitting duck if you stay in this relationship. Your children will be next, and when he goes too far the next time, he could include them too. Family annihilation is very real, and not something you can be certain won’t happen as he’s shown he’s escalating. This is serious OP it’s escape time.

Mumoftwoinprimary · 08/05/2023 14:45

Ok - forget about you for a minute. Think about your Dd. I don’t know how old your Dd is but I’m guessing fairly young as you are still in your 20s.

I don’t know about you but my memory of having little children is that they are often quite irritating. And sometimes they are really irritating.

So what happens when your Dd irritates your husband?

Does he put his hands around her throat? And squeeze? And she can’t breathe? And she is so scared? And begs him to stop? Except children’s necks are much weaker than those of adults. If he did to her what he did to you then she would probably be dead now.

You must contact the police as soon as possible. Without a conviction you have no chance of protecting your kids from him.

Perpetuallyexhaustedtoddlermum · 08/05/2023 14:45

Oh my God!! You have to leave this man as soon as it's safe. The statistics on this are deeply worrying. If a man strangles you, the risk of murder is incredibly high.
Please contact the aforementioned agencies and safely remove yourself and any DC you may have.

Ofcourseshecan · 08/05/2023 14:46

Thank god you were in a taxi. He stopped because he didn’t dare kill you in public. Don’t wait for next time when you may be at home and he won’t stop in time.

MayBeeJuneSoon · 08/05/2023 14:47

'Nothing will happen today'

You can't know that. All the dead women maybe thought that too

Bet yesterday you thought 'he would never strangle me'

But he did

CrackersCheeseAndWinePlease · 08/05/2023 14:47

Ofcourseshecan · 08/05/2023 14:46

Thank god you were in a taxi. He stopped because he didn’t dare kill you in public. Don’t wait for next time when you may be at home and he won’t stop in time.

This!

Motnight · 08/05/2023 14:47

Good luck, Op

MayBeeJuneSoon · 08/05/2023 14:47

This is the most dangerous time

He will KNOW it's over and you are preparing to leave

ArcaneWireless · 08/05/2023 14:48

He put his hands on you in front of a taxi driver?

I agree with the poster above.

It isn’t escalating.

It has escalated.

MayBeeJuneSoon · 08/05/2023 14:49

Also..... your child is not safe

Cornered men don't think rationally. He knows it's over..... no coming back

Familial suicide is a real risk now

Custardslices · 08/05/2023 14:49

I'm suprised the taxi driver didn't phone the police.

Make a plan, grab essentials and go!

Ruffpuff · 08/05/2023 14:51

No one in a happy marriage gets strangled by their husband. I’m sorry, but you need to go to the police, women’s aid…and you need to leave him before he kills you in temper.

Original poster
LivingMyBestAnxietyLife · 08/05/2023 14:52

He doesn't think its over because shamefully I said it was okay 😔 these things happen but I've thinking about it all day and I'm not going to have to have it. I'm disgusted at him. I cant believe he done it. He knows what his mum went through and hates his dad. He only loses it when he drinks the rest of the time he is calm doesn't shout or swear a "normal" man.

OP posts:
ArcaneWireless · 08/05/2023 14:52

I'm suprised the taxi driver didn't phone the police.

Me too.

MayBeeJuneSoon · 08/05/2023 14:53

In his head he will know it's over

He knows he can't control himself

Sparklfairy · 08/05/2023 14:54

LivingMyBestAnxietyLife · 08/05/2023 14:52

He doesn't think its over because shamefully I said it was okay 😔 these things happen but I've thinking about it all day and I'm not going to have to have it. I'm disgusted at him. I cant believe he done it. He knows what his mum went through and hates his dad. He only loses it when he drinks the rest of the time he is calm doesn't shout or swear a "normal" man.

It's not shameful to buy yourself some time. Who knows what he will do when you tell him it's over?

Make sure you're somewhere safe and then end it.

Crispymandm · 08/05/2023 14:54

Hi op, you must be feeling so overwhelmed right now. In my opinion for your own safety you need to leave him, I saw a uk documentary on murdered spouses and a police detective commented that once a man strangled or holds your throat the potential for attempted murder or murder rises to 60%. I don’t want to frighten you but you need to takes steps in order to protect yourself and your children. Statistics don’t lie. Report to police and go to your local court to apply for an emergency non molestation order. You can do this.

Startyabastard · 08/05/2023 14:56

Download 'Hollie guard' app in the meantime.

Pheefifofuckthisshit · 08/05/2023 14:56

Do you have a taxi driver witness if it happened in a taxi?

Do call the police and report this. Don't waver on doing it. You need to report for your sake and the kids too. 😔 None of this is your fault including calling the police. It is ALL on him.

It's good he can go to his mum's. If she refuses him though that's his problem. If she tries to mediate or hope you can repair things don't waver.

Be strong. You deserve soo much better. Your kids need you to break this generational cycle of abusive behaviour.

Catastrophejane · 08/05/2023 14:57

There was a recent statistic that women who’ve been strangled by their partner in the past are 8 times more likely to be murdered by that same partner.

I know you’re leaving, but please don’t delay

beeskipa · 08/05/2023 14:59

Please be careful, OP. He is statistically very, very dangerous right now.

The National Domestic Abuse Helpline 0808 2000 247 0808 2000 247
Live chat with Women's Aid (if you can't speak on phone) https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/

Keep your phone well away from him, change your PIN if necessary, so he doesn't find this thread.

If he is scared of what you will do next, he is likely to be increasingly dangerous. He already did something that could have seriously hurt or killed you in front of a witness - he is not to be trusted to act safely right now, and you need to make plans to get away as soon as you can but as safely as you can. Don't alert him to anything, but move fast.

Live Chat | Women's Aid Live Chat

Women's Aid's live chat service lets women chat directly with a support worker

https://chat.womensaid.org.uk

PaigeMatthews · 08/05/2023 14:59

Catastrophejane · 08/05/2023 14:57

There was a recent statistic that women who’ve been strangled by their partner in the past are 8 times more likely to be murdered by that same partner.

I know you’re leaving, but please don’t delay

This, op. He is a danger to your life. Get out safely and soon.

also, you described marriage to an agressive, violent drinker as a happy marriage. You also need therapy.