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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My husband strangled me last night.

372 replies

LivingMyBestAnxietyLife · 08/05/2023 14:07

Basically that really. I've been with my husband for 10 years. He has always had a temper and can be quite shouty at times. He has pushed me over a few times during arguments over the years but last night was the first time he has strangled me...its escalating isn't it? His dad beat his mum until she managed to get away from him and I'm worried about his temper and behaviour.

We are happily married despite this but he has a problem with drinking which is getting worse too but I'm scared now! He told me he is sorry but that's what they all say isn't it...im so shocked do you think this could have been a one time thing or am I being silly. He was drunk but that's no excuse.

OP posts:
AuntieJune · 09/05/2023 13:01

Well done OP. It's really hard, you've done well.

Now you need to be prepared for what happens next. Talk to Women's Aid. Do the Freedom Programme.

It's almost a certainty that he'll stay away for a bit then come back and try to patch up the relationship. And that he might not be kind to you when you say no. If he's been drinking, you know what he's like. Women's Aid will be able to advise you on what to do. I think you can get the police on high alert so they come to you quicker? Or get a non-molestation order in place?

Breaking up with him is just the start, you need to see it through.

gamerchick · 09/05/2023 13:01

It's fine to feel gutted, it's horrible when your life changes in such a hard way.

His mother stayed and this is what he turned into. I know I'll get heat for that but.... This is the risk for any kind being brought up in that kind of household. If their mother survives that is.

He can't come back, ever.

gamerchick · 09/05/2023 13:02

*kid

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 09/05/2023 13:05

LivingMyBestAnxietyLife · 09/05/2023 12:50

I'm gutted because he is the dad to my kids we've been together for a long time. My first ever proper boyfriend I've ever had and its been ruined in a blink of an eye. Sorry but I am gutted it's come to this. My whole life has been ruined. Everything's gone I've took this very seriously which is why I've broken up with him.

OP, hang in there.

It feels like everything is gone and your life is ruined right now, but it will get better in time, I promise. This is the start of a new and happier life for you and your kids.

What you thought you had - a happy marriage - never really existed because your H was willing to hurt you. That doesn't invalidate the life that you have been living to date, it just means that you need to reframe how you look at it. Nothing will change the fact that you still have your lovely children. You also have a supportive MIL who wants the best for you, and probably lots of other people who care about you.

You will rebuild your life, and while it will be hard in the short term, your life will be much better for it in the long term. And so will your children's lives.

Be strong, stand firm, and no matter how hard he begs or how earnestly he promises to change, don't let him persuade you to take him back. It has already escalated from how it started, and it will escalate further if you don't put a permanent stop to it.

airmaxJ · 09/05/2023 13:11

If he drinks again what he's doing is choosing to risk strangling you or a future partner he really needs to never drink again for everyone's sake

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 09/05/2023 13:15

airmaxJ · 09/05/2023 13:11

If he drinks again what he's doing is choosing to risk strangling you or a future partner he really needs to never drink again for everyone's sake

The time for him to realise that he needed to stop drinking was several years ago after the first violent incident.

The fact that he chose not to tells the OP all she needs to know. There is no room here for further "chances".

Allthings · 09/05/2023 13:16

It may feel like your life is ruined now, but if you stayed together not only would your life be ruined more, but you could also end up dead. Staying together would ruin the lives of your children.

I dare say you don’t feel like doing this, but you must report what happened to the police.

villamariavintrapp · 09/05/2023 13:34

Well done OP. It hasn't been ruined 'In the blink of an eye' though, this has built up, he has repeatedly abused you and your trust, this wasn't a one off mistake, just the most recent escalation in a series of assaults. If it hadn't happened this time, it would have happened soon, it wasn't your fault. Please tell the police.

turbonerd · 09/05/2023 13:36

Great news he is leaving the house!

Of course you are gutted. The man you thought loved you, the father of your children, chose to attack you in such a vicious way. It is heartbreaking, it really is.

Just go easy on yourself. You may miss him loads, hope he can change. But sadly, this violence IS him. He wont change.

Jitterybugs · 09/05/2023 13:45

I’m so sorry you’re going through this shocking ordeal. You know in your heart of hearts you’re making the right decision to ensure the future safety of both yourself and your children. It’s been a very traumatic time for you and I admire your bravery and strength. I hope you can remain strong and be prepared for the inevitable emotional blackmail that will follow when he hopes the dust has settled. I truly hope you find the courage today to report it to the police.
Stay strong. You’re doing great. We’re all behind you 💐

mumda · 09/05/2023 14:14

Don't be gutted.
Be alive. And strong. And it'll take a bit of time to get used to your new safe life. But change the locks.

Did you report to the police? I think you should if you haven't.

tribpot · 09/05/2023 14:19

Did you report to the police? I think you should if you haven't.
Agreed. I think he has offered to move out so you don't feel you need to go the police. But I fear the time will come when you wish you had - when he feels less guilty and wants to move back in, for example. For the sake of future you, you need to report this.

Whiskeypowers · 09/05/2023 14:23

Don’t let him apparently capitulating and moving our lull you into a false sense of security. If you don’t report this and press charges he could just turn round later and act like none of this ever happened.

you need other measures in place to ensure you and your children are kept safe regardless of whether he lives somewhere else and has moved out.

DancedByTheLightOfTheMoon · 09/05/2023 14:24

I would contact Womens Aid, they will help you as well as contacting the police. It's really important to protect yourself and if he moves in with another woman who has kids its on record.

Always4Brenner · 09/05/2023 14:36

Behind you as well OP please report to the police glad your MIL is supportive as well hugs. You’ll get there do as others have said change locks get tenancy into your name only if rented.

MayBeeJuneSoon · 09/05/2023 14:40

But did you make a police report op?

That's crucial for ongoing protection

Augend23 · 09/05/2023 14:43

I'm really pleased he's leaving tonight. I'd suggest you aim to be out, with the children, while he picks his stuff up. If someone trusted can supervise him moving out that would be ideal.

While your son is still at school, ring the police and report it. You can't assume this is all resolved, precautions are necessary rather than optional.

While you're out you should buy new barrels for the locks so that the house is secure. If you aren't sure how to fit them (generally not too bad, take a look at YouTube) then you could get a chain for the doors to put on while you wait to get someone out to sort the locks.

Leaving is the most dangerous time for women suffering domestic abuse and I don't know if him leaving you is any different statistically but I wouldn't be taking any chances.

angela99999 · 09/05/2023 15:12

LivingMyBestAnxietyLife · 09/05/2023 12:50

I'm gutted because he is the dad to my kids we've been together for a long time. My first ever proper boyfriend I've ever had and its been ruined in a blink of an eye. Sorry but I am gutted it's come to this. My whole life has been ruined. Everything's gone I've took this very seriously which is why I've broken up with him.

I can absoutely understand why you're gutted, it is awful to realise that it isn't safe for you to stay with him. But you know that it is the right thing to do.
Your MIL is obviously a great woman, seeing the faults in her son and standing with you.
Your life is ruined at the moment but you have the chance to start your life again with your children and with your MIL's support.
Please don't let him into your life again, as she said he will not change and you need to look after yourself and them for the future.
And please do go to the Police so that they have a record of what has happened and make sure that it doesn't happen to any other woman.

BigTedLittleTedCardboardBox · 09/05/2023 15:19

So glad he's moving out OP. To echo other posters about still reporting to the police asap can I add that there may be another woman out there that might end up with your ex. If you've reported it to the police she would be able to find out his history via Clare's law, so reporting may also help protect other women from him in the future.

You have a witness, and he's admitted it to his mum. There's a good chance he might be prosecuted, which might help him to wake up and deal with himself long term too (but certainly don't ever take him back). Don't feel guilty about this, and please do it. All consequences to him are because of his own highly dangerous actions.

And please, please get yourself checked over by a doctor. The police might arrange this for you too.

Knackeredhamster · 09/05/2023 15:37

Op where is he now, are you safe at home this evening.
Could someone come round and be with you when he goes. What about the children can they be somewhere else at that time?
Cos he could get drunk and get abusive or violent again.

X

stinkingbishop · 09/05/2023 15:51

OP please please PLEASE tell the police. And get yourself checked out medically.

And I echo what others have said about someone else being with you now while he leaves, or you and the kids going somewhere safe - like a police station. The most dangerous time is when they know it's over. Please. You have never been at more risk than now.

TUCKINGFYP0 · 09/05/2023 15:52

Op have you seen a doctor ? You need urgent medical care, did you watch the video a PP linked to upthread? you may have damage to your neck and be at risk of a stoke ? You can’t afford to ignore this .

You also need to go to the police. It’s good that he has moved out on a temporary basis but you need legal help to keep him away. his name is on the tenancy, he could move back tomorrow if he feels like it .

Lots of men leave for a few days / weeks to let their partner “calm down “. Then they make a few worthless promises “ I will get help / go to AA / I ve seen the error of my ways “.

This means “ let me move back in now “. Then if you say no you will get threats or worse.

It’s my house you can’t stop me I know my rights .
You’ve kicked me out for another man.
They are my kids I have a right to see them.
I can come and take the kids away anytime I want.
Why aren’t you supporting my, I’m trying to change for you?
if you wont let me move back in I might as well continue drinking / quit my job / kill myself.

You need support from the professionals to keep him away, once he changes his mind. Which he will.

slowquickstep · 09/05/2023 15:57

Please have the locks changed and never ever let him in, don't meet him anywhere alone. This man tried to kill you and he will try again if given the chance, in fact now is the most dangerous time as he will realise he has been left with nothing. Please do the freedom programme, this will enable you to move on with your life and your children really need that. Please do not minimise this. He tried to kill you.

Undertherock · 09/05/2023 15:59

It is very important that you report this incident - if you cannot bring yourself to report it to the police, at least go to your gp or a&e to get che led out and to create the paper trail that may be vital later.

wishing you the very best.

AcrossthePond55 · 09/05/2023 16:33

LivingMyBestAnxietyLife · 09/05/2023 12:50

I'm gutted because he is the dad to my kids we've been together for a long time. My first ever proper boyfriend I've ever had and its been ruined in a blink of an eye. Sorry but I am gutted it's come to this. My whole life has been ruined. Everything's gone I've took this very seriously which is why I've broken up with him.

No love, your whole life hasn't been 'ruined' and you haven't 'lost everything'.

You're in your 20s, you have 60 or more years to go before you've lived your 'whole life'. That's plenty of time to find your new and happy life. And you will find it, I guarantee it. It will take time and healing, but you'll get there.

And the only thing you've 'lost' is a man who is not worth keeping. As the old saying goes 'there are plenty more fish in the sea than ever came out of it'. But you need to give yourself time before you go fishing again!!! Time to learn and to value who you really are and to recognize the red flags that are pretty much always there.

Right now, get him gone and then breathe. When you have time and calm, try to take a dispassionate look at your relationship and your behaviour within it. I daresay you'll discover that you have been walking on eggshells the whole time to avoid his temper. That his temper has been your constant and silent companion and that every move and decision you've made has been with the thought of his reaction to it. These are things that we don't even see until we're out of it. I've been there and I know. And I also know the incredible feeling of freedom and 'lightness' once they are gone and we can 'lay that burden down'.