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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My husband strangled me last night.

372 replies

LivingMyBestAnxietyLife · 08/05/2023 14:07

Basically that really. I've been with my husband for 10 years. He has always had a temper and can be quite shouty at times. He has pushed me over a few times during arguments over the years but last night was the first time he has strangled me...its escalating isn't it? His dad beat his mum until she managed to get away from him and I'm worried about his temper and behaviour.

We are happily married despite this but he has a problem with drinking which is getting worse too but I'm scared now! He told me he is sorry but that's what they all say isn't it...im so shocked do you think this could have been a one time thing or am I being silly. He was drunk but that's no excuse.

OP posts:
CharlottenBerg · 09/05/2023 12:17

LivingMyBestAnxietyLife · 09/05/2023 12:13

Hi sorry my son slept in with me last night. I've been busy this morning so my apologies. My mother in law rang me this morning as my husband had rang her and told her. She told me she was deeply sorry and she is very worried. She told me to leave him as it won't get any better and that she loves me and can't believe her son has ruined it all!! Im gutted it's all come to this. I really am

This is encouraging. Not only all of us, but now you have his own mother telling you what you MUST do. The first step you take to get away from him will be the first step of the rest of your (and your child's) life.

TUCKINGFYP0 · 09/05/2023 12:18

glad to hear you are ok @LivingMyBestAnxietyLife

have you been to the police and hospital yet ?

CaptainMyCaptain · 09/05/2023 12:20

I'm glad you have the support of your mil.

billy1966 · 09/05/2023 12:21

You know she is really aware that your children could be left with one parent dead, the other in jail for murder?

Your two children left for her to rear or put in care?

You do realise how serious this is.

You need to involve the police.

You need to protect yourself.

Your children need you, you are all they have.

isitshe · 09/05/2023 12:25

LivingMyBestAnxietyLife · 09/05/2023 12:13

Hi sorry my son slept in with me last night. I've been busy this morning so my apologies. My mother in law rang me this morning as my husband had rang her and told her. She told me she was deeply sorry and she is very worried. She told me to leave him as it won't get any better and that she loves me and can't believe her son has ruined it all!! Im gutted it's all come to this. I really am

His mum went through it. I'm sure she's forever thankful that she escaped with her own and her son's life. I'm so glad for you that she has taken it seriously and is not defending her son. Listen to her. Get help in place before you leave, including from the police. Make sure they are aware of what happened and have a record.
Leaving is a very risky time. Things can escalate quickly. Get as many people on stand by around you as possible.
I know you're gutted now OP but if you stay you could lose your life. Your son could lose his mum.
Support is out there, and on here. We're all behind you. xo

isitshe · 09/05/2023 12:26

Sorry, your son AND daughter.

Original poster
LivingMyBestAnxietyLife · 09/05/2023 12:29

She told me leave now while it's one time and not 20 times because it will be 20 times! She is disgusted with him...yeah its what's right I know
It is but its hard.

OP posts:
Oversharingnamechanged · 09/05/2023 12:33

@LivingMyBestAnxietyLife I'm so proud of you. Please keep up this strength until you're safely out with kiddos.
Youre amazing x

turbonerd · 09/05/2023 12:34

Will your H go?
Or do you have to leave the house?

Neopolitan · 09/05/2023 12:34

LivingMyBestAnxietyLife · 09/05/2023 12:29

She told me leave now while it's one time and not 20 times because it will be 20 times! She is disgusted with him...yeah its what's right I know
It is but its hard.

Are you going to leave today, @LivingMyBestAnxietyLife You said you would go today. With your MIL encouraging you it should be easier for you to leave today.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 09/05/2023 12:35

LivingMyBestAnxietyLife · 09/05/2023 12:29

She told me leave now while it's one time and not 20 times because it will be 20 times! She is disgusted with him...yeah its what's right I know
It is but its hard.

This is someone who probably loves your H more than anyone else on the planet, OP, but she can see it for what it is. She is right, and you know it.

Of course it's incredibly hard, but your children need their mum around. If you stay with him, you risk leaving them without a mother. They deserve better than that.

You can do this. Your MIL sounds like she will support you, which is great. You have no other choice, unless you want to stick around waiting for him to kill you.

hevs03 · 09/05/2023 12:40

Hi OP, I lost my beautiful, kind caring Aunt because like you she was married to an abusive man who one night strangled and killed her whilst their daughters slept in the next room. My Mum and other Aunts begged my Aunt to leave him when he first started to physically abuse her, but she didn't and then it was too late. The impact it has had on my family is widespread and devastating. This was a quite a few years ago and her daughters have struggled to live normal lives because of what happened to their Mum and the fact it was their Dad who did it. One of them is a recluse and the other has a major stutter and twitch, neither wish to have children, both have admitted it is due to what happened.
Please seek help as quickly as you can, your life and that of your child/ren will be so much better in the long run, please do not became another victim like my Aunt. Good luck and stay safe

Original poster
LivingMyBestAnxietyLife · 09/05/2023 12:41

He is going tonight. That's why he rang his mum. I don't have to leave so that's it. Gutted.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 09/05/2023 12:43

LivingMyBestAnxietyLife · 09/05/2023 12:41

He is going tonight. That's why he rang his mum. I don't have to leave so that's it. Gutted.

You can never take this man back. Never. He will end up killing you.

CaptainMyCaptain · 09/05/2023 12:45

LivingMyBestAnxietyLife · 09/05/2023 12:41

He is going tonight. That's why he rang his mum. I don't have to leave so that's it. Gutted.

You feel gutted because the picture you had of how your life would be has gone but you were never going to have that life with this man. It will be hard and you may well grieve for the life that might have been but in time you will move on and have a better future.

Original poster
LivingMyBestAnxietyLife · 09/05/2023 12:47

He has crossed a line and I can't trust him now so that's it

OP posts:
CharlottenBerg · 09/05/2023 12:47

LivingMyBestAnxietyLife · 09/05/2023 12:41

He is going tonight. That's why he rang his mum. I don't have to leave so that's it. Gutted.

Change all the locks, tell the police, and maybe neighbours?

Perpetuallyexhaustedtoddlermum · 09/05/2023 12:48

LivingMyBestAnxietyLife · 09/05/2023 12:41

He is going tonight. That's why he rang his mum. I don't have to leave so that's it. Gutted.

It's great that you don't have to leave home. In your situation I'd get the locks changed and look into non molestation order and/or occupation order as well as child arrangements order for any DC.
It can only get better for you now once everything is in place.
I hope to be free of my abuser soon but because he's not physical, it's harder to explain what he does.

Temporaryname158 · 09/05/2023 12:48

Do you rent or is it a mortgaged house. Contact the landlord and change the tenancy into your name only and put a CMS claim in today. Inform the council you are now the only adult in the household to claim the 25% discount. Update IC if needed or apply if you are eligible.

I am not sure why you are gutted you just saved your life! That seems a very strange reaction to me and doesn’t indicate you take this as seriously as you should. Are you calling the police to report him and get yourself checked at the GP.

I'm worried you are going to not cut contact like you should and will allow him and his fake tears back in!

Perpetuallyexhaustedtoddlermum · 09/05/2023 12:50

Temporaryname158 · 09/05/2023 12:48

Do you rent or is it a mortgaged house. Contact the landlord and change the tenancy into your name only and put a CMS claim in today. Inform the council you are now the only adult in the household to claim the 25% discount. Update IC if needed or apply if you are eligible.

I am not sure why you are gutted you just saved your life! That seems a very strange reaction to me and doesn’t indicate you take this as seriously as you should. Are you calling the police to report him and get yourself checked at the GP.

I'm worried you are going to not cut contact like you should and will allow him and his fake tears back in!

Good advice. I think OP is gutted because she's grieving for the relationship that she thought she had. I'm currently going through the same emotions whilst trying to leave my abuser.

CaptainMyCaptain · 09/05/2023 12:50

I am not sure why you are gutted you just saved your life! That seems a very strange reaction to me and doesn’t indicate you take this as seriously as you should
She feels gutted because her whole life has changed suddenly. It didn't work out the way she expected when she got married. It is natural to feel sad about this even though she knows she has done the right thing.

Original poster
LivingMyBestAnxietyLife · 09/05/2023 12:50

I'm gutted because he is the dad to my kids we've been together for a long time. My first ever proper boyfriend I've ever had and its been ruined in a blink of an eye. Sorry but I am gutted it's come to this. My whole life has been ruined. Everything's gone I've took this very seriously which is why I've broken up with him.

OP posts:
Ellie56 · 09/05/2023 12:54

But as other have said, you do need to report to the police so it is on record.

Nanaof1 · 09/05/2023 12:57

LivingMyBestAnxietyLife · 09/05/2023 12:47

He has crossed a line and I can't trust him now so that's it

I can understand how hard this is for you, but you should be PROUD of yourself! You are protecting yourself and your DC and you will begin to heal.
Please listen to these posters above with their great advice about locks, papers, etc. Protecting yourself is an ongoing process, but you will succeed and you will, in time, feel like a large weight is off your shoulders and heart.

Best wishes to you and your DC. ❤

monsteramunch · 09/05/2023 12:59

OP gently, you don't seem to be mentioning calling the police.

You must do this as soon as possible. Make this the first thing you do when he has gone this evening. If he doesn't go after all, you need to find another way to report this even if that means bundling the kids up and physically going to the police station with them. Make sure they stay with you, don't leave them with him.

You need to ask them about a non mol order to keep him out of, and away from, the house.

Please, please don't think that because he's agreed to leave, you don't need to call the police. You really must in order to adequately safeguard you and your children Flowers