Husband has decided that i can do all the housework

[needagoodnightsleep1]

Led here in disbelief and pretty pissed off and need to have a little rant.
Ive been having doubts for some while about wether to end my marriage or not. Its been hard work, too hard!! Long story but i find him very self centred and lazy and it appears to be getting worse. He's not a very good husband or father and to be honest I'm not even sure why I'm still with him!! Im half way out the door.

Tonight he tells me that he's thought about the housework/shopping/washing etc and he states that seeing as he works more than me (i work 4 days and he works 5), that on the 5th day of him working i should do all the housework so on the two days off nothing will need doing. We have a 3 year old dd who i like to take to soft play lunch etc on my day off so its not like its a day off to myself.

I already do 90% of the housework the house is clean and organised, its me who makes sure all the bills are paid, holidays birthdays and Christmas are sorted.
And now I'm over reacting to his suggestions because not only will he not need to do anything on his two days off apparently neither will i!!
Led here feeling like an absolute fool and ready to end this marriage for good

This man has failed to understand he has no leverage whatsoever, he believes that his stance of 'I'm the man you have to obey me' will result in you saying 'yes or no sir three bags full sir'.
He has no actual power in this relationship because you do not need him at all, he has no way of enforcing anything.

I don’t know why you’re still with him either. please make arrangements to leave.

we have a similar working pattern to you i.e . I have one day off. On that day I do tend to do quite a bit of housework and errands but it’s mostly stuff that wouldn’t get done otherwise/ I don’t mind doing it and no way has husband ever suggested that is a “housework” day. Sometimes I just go out all day to do fun stuff.

She's already kicked him out, if you read all her posts :)

Sorry just caught up after RTFT

go you! Right decision. He can come back to collect the rest of his stuff, that’s all

Good to hear that you've kicked him out OP. Marriage should not be hard work, it should be a happy haven away from the world iyswim. Onwards and upwards.

Her husband believes that marriage should not be hard work for him, it should be a happy haven where his wife waits on him hand and foot!

Well done OP!!

Just a few things to do ASAP while he's reeling from surprise - before he talks to his mum/mates who gives him the same ideas.

1. make sure your DC passport is safe with you
2. get copies of all financial statements / tax returns / payslips / bank accounts etc.
3. transfer money from any joint accounts into your own name. At least half, maybe more depending how you play this. If he wipes them out you won't get it back in any future settlement.
4. start a child maintainance claim against him.

Tell him he pays for a cleaner or he can sod off.

Well done OP! 👏🏼

Don't take him back. I see so many women capitulate and end up back at square one, miserable and guilty. You sound strong, you don't need a life of servitude to an ungrateful incapable adult.

It's typical idiot thinking from someone who doesn't have your best interests at heart, and who clearly doesn't understand the nature of all the tasks that need to be completed on a DAILY basis to keep a child thriving and a house running smoothly.

Let alone all the cognitive load of this...

Actually ASK him to write a list of all the stuff he thinks needs doing in a daily /weekly basis....

When he has done the list... Ask him how these things magically 'happen'

My guess he'll minimise the effort that has to be made for these tasks....

Point out ALL he has left out....

Ask him if he wants to save your relationship....

What is he actually going to take over /and take total responsibility for...not just do the task... But don't independently.

He's deemed your 'free day' as your 'maid /housekeeper' day.....
Nice...

How very convenient for him.... He just gets to go to work and do what he fancies in the remaining time.

I'd be very explicitly stating your position and also clear you are being re ending the relationship.

I wish you 🤞.

As a fellow parent of a 3 year old, there's no way I'd be able to do all the housework on one day off.
My 3 year old is full-on. I can barely wipe the surfaces without her attempting to 'help' or asking for something. Plus I have to play about 6 games of 'smelly wellies' with her before I've even had my morning coffee.

So yes, he is being unreasonable.

He is probably still in the phase when he imagines that if he goes off in a huff you will soon be pleading with him to return....

My first marriage ended like this, he said something in counselling and the penny just dropped. I packed and left with the kids the next day. He spent several weeks ranting and sneering then several months shocked or crying and begging then got vengeful and angry and still pretty much cycles thise emotions. 20 years later I'm happily married to a wonderful man who my now grown up dc adore and who is a bloody amazing grandad. Stay strong.

OP,
I think it's important to use this early phase (where he still thinks he can turn things around to his advantage) to get everything tightly sewn up with the divorce and child custody arrangements.
Don't let him see that you're being efficient and businesslike about things, that way you can present him with a fait accompli and there's nothing he can do

Good for you, OP. I admire you so much. The rest of your life will be so much easier!

It is so easy to fall into the trap of thinking these things are normal, or not too bad, and one day you suddenly wake up to how ridiculous his expectations are. I am so pleased for you that you've woken up. My alarm is set and hopefully I'll be doing the same as you sooner rather than later.

How does he contribute to your marriage? What does he do?

Go you @needagoodnightsleep1 !

Very impressed you channeled your fury and kicked him out. You'll actually find the mental load now he's gone is a lot lighter. Not because you're doing less, because you may end up doing more (although it sounds like you did everything anyway!) But because you no longer have to think about him anymore or whether he has or hasn't done something, no need for taking his needs into account. It'll actually be so much easier!

👏well done op, new year new start

I booted my similarly lazy, entitled, child-like waste of space XH out when my DD was 3 (he was also spending our money - which was mainly earnt by me - on drugs, fags, and subsidising his family).

His parting shot to me was "you'll regret this and miss me when I'm gone". I can safely say, hand-on-heart that I do not miss him one bit. I am now happily remarried and the 3 of us live in a lovely house in a lovely place (he is pretty much destitute and living in a hovel after being fired from multiple jobs and then refusing to do anything that didn't fit around his unrealistic expectations) - but even the years as a single parent, working full-time to support my DD and I single-handedly (XH was utterly useless and couldn't hold a job down for more than 5 minutes without my support, so maintenance payments were few and far between) were an absolute dream compared with living with the pathetic man-child I called my DH.

You have 100%, absolutely got this. Keep that resolute anger of yours going - I'm sure there will be moments over the next few months when it will slip a little, but come and read this thread again when it does!

Well done, OP. I get the shopping done & some cleaning & laundry on my non working day - there is no way I’d get it done with a 3 year old at home. And neither did my Dh ever suggest I should.

Well done you, for standing up for yourself. Better a single parent than one who's treated like crap, and also you don't want your dd to think his behaviour is normal of all men..Hope everything goes well for you.

My marriage ended for similar reasons, OP, and I can honestly say I’ve never been happier. I found when he was here I resented doing any chores at all because he did nothing. Whereas once he’s gone I took real pride in my house again because it was all on me.
A few years on and I have 3 teenage DC who all pitch in because as I keep telling them we are a team and we work together to keep things nice. I feel I’m setting them a good example that they shouldn’t be walked over. I was for 20 years.
Good luck to you, and I am quite sure you’ll be happier, stronger and more confident without him.

She threw him out a few pages back….