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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband has decided that i can do all the housework

235 replies

needagoodnightsleep1 · 03/01/2023 23:29

Led here in disbelief and pretty pissed off and need to have a little rant.
Ive been having doubts for some while about wether to end my marriage or not. Its been hard work, too hard!! Long story but i find him very self centred and lazy and it appears to be getting worse. He's not a very good husband or father and to be honest I'm not even sure why I'm still with him!! Im half way out the door.

Tonight he tells me that he's thought about the housework/shopping/washing etc and he states that seeing as he works more than me (i work 4 days and he works 5), that on the 5th day of him working i should do all the housework so on the two days off nothing will need doing. We have a 3 year old dd who i like to take to soft play lunch etc on my day off so its not like its a day off to myself.

I already do 90% of the housework the house is clean and organised, its me who makes sure all the bills are paid, holidays birthdays and Christmas are sorted.
And now I'm over reacting to his suggestions because not only will he not need to do anything on his two days off apparently neither will i!!
Led here feeling like an absolute fool and ready to end this marriage for good

OP posts:
MarieIVanArkleStinks · 04/01/2023 10:28

HandbagsnGladrags · 04/01/2023 10:21

Completely agree - well done OP. I also wish I'd had MN back in the day when I was married to my ex. It might not have taken me so long to leave him.

Show quote history

It's heartening to read this post. Despite the many complaints about the argumentative nature of MN sometimes, and some of the negativity it attracts, this is one of several reasons I still believe this site is a major force for good.

I hope you've managed to move on to a happier, more fulfilling life.

HandbagsnGladrags · 04/01/2023 10:34

@MarieIVanArkleStinks thank you so much - I have.

iwantmyownicecreamvan · 04/01/2023 10:37

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 04/01/2023 10:28

It's heartening to read this post. Despite the many complaints about the argumentative nature of MN sometimes, and some of the negativity it attracts, this is one of several reasons I still believe this site is a major force for good.

I hope you've managed to move on to a happier, more fulfilling life.

Show quote history

Yes it's true - my life would have been so different if MN had been around during my ex's first affair.

BiscoffAnythingIsTheWayForward · 04/01/2023 10:42

Good for you. What exactly did he think you were doing on your extra day off of your employed work? Because childcare and housework and all that goes with it is work, and unpaid at that. Sounds like a self-centered idiot and you’re well rid.

Pr1mr0se · 04/01/2023 10:43

Well said cleanbreak2022.

needagoodnightsleep1 - the fact that you've chosen this as your mumsnet name says a lot. It's hard work (but rewarding) looking after a toddler. Your husband needs a dose of reality, please try and speak with him properly about the workload. Raise the scenario of you working 5 days a week and the extra cost of childcare as an alternative and you both do the housework/ laundry at the weekends and see what he says. Hopefully he'll be reasonable. Flowers

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/01/2023 10:46

"its amazing what a little bit of fury can drive you to do!!"
Oh, yes. "Anger is an energy", and you put that energy to good use, to protect yourself from his disrespect.

"I can't believe he actually thought i was that much of a doormat to even have that conversation with him."
I expect he was using the 'boiling a frog' approach. Just edging up his demands slowly in the belief that you would only see the incremental demand and not the total. After all, he already had you doing 90% and you still hadn't jumped out of the water! And I suspect you do close to 100% of childcare. So - yes, he thought he'd 'trained' you into being a doormatSad and in his mind he was only asking you to also do a ninth of what you already do, the 90% he just doesn't acknowledge.

"He's just come into the room ranting how how unhappy and miserable i am!! He's now packing a bag I've asked him to leave and told him our marriage is over"
This sparked two thoughts in me. The first, it's not enough for you to be a skivvy you've also got to act as if you want to be. Slap a smile on your face whilst serving your lord and master. Secondly, I suspect that he's so out of touch with reality that he will believe that you will regret asking him to leave, and he left in the full expectation that you will 'calm down' and beg him to come back. Expect incredulity and zero change of expectations on his part when you are next in contact with him. But don't be bamboozled by that, he is in the wrong and you are in the right here, although he will try to gaslight you into the opposite belief.

HandbagsnGladrags · 04/01/2023 10:49

Secondly, I suspect that he's so out of touch with reality that he will believe that you will regret asking him to leave, and he left in the full expectation that you will 'calm down' and beg him to come back.

This sparked a memory in me of my ex telling me I'd never meet anyone as good as him on the day I moved out. Ok mate, I'll take my chances thanks. Arsehole. Sadly he has since fooled another woman and trapped her with a baby. I feel sorry for her.

OhChristmasTreeOhChristmasTreeFaLaLa · 04/01/2023 10:51

I have 3 children, 2 are at primary school and the other is under 2. My husband and I both work ft, he's a teacher so does silly hours, I do compressed hours over 4 days. On my day "off" I look after our youngest but also do school runs. I get very little housework done, usually a bit of washing and usual dishwasher. I don't do any real cleaning on that day as it'd be impossible. My husband does 50/50, in fact more, he does the food shop and cooking, his share of cleaning, looks after the utility bills etc and also does more than his share of stuff with the kids. The only thing that is just my job is the washing (because he ruins things and that annoys me more than me doing it all!). My husband has never said to me as I only do 4 days I should do basically everything so he can lord about. If he did he wouldn't be my husband. You know your husband is a prat, he sound pretty awful, you know what you should do if he's making you miserable (I wrote that before I read your next post about him saying you are miserable, good for you asking him to leave!!).

Gh12345 · 04/01/2023 10:52

I’d tell him where to shove it quite frankly.

Original poster
needagoodnightsleep1 · 04/01/2023 10:54

Thank you all so much for your support and lovely commmets Flowers I've got up this morning got dd off to nursery and I'm now at work. He's got me wrong if he thinks this will break me I'm strong and independent, I do not need him!! He's definitely underestimated me.
There will be no talks regarding any of this with him anymore. There will be no talking me round. Ive done more than my fair share in this marriage if not more and I've been taken for granted for the very last time.
Thanks again for your support

OP posts:
Chickenvoicesinmyhead · 04/01/2023 11:01

@needagoodnightsleep1 you can now change your name to @Haven'tSleptSoWellForYears

Well done!

Ryder68 · 04/01/2023 11:04

Haha! love that, @Chickenvoicesinmyhead 😆

Well done OP!

Rainbowqueeen · 04/01/2023 11:05

Absolutely right OP. I suspect your life will actually be easier without him.

If you need something to firm your resolve I suggest you fill out this gender equality checklist. vardgivare.skane.se/siteassets/3.-kompetens-och-utveckling/projekt-och-utveckling/jamstallt-foraldraskap/material-foraldrar/checklist-for-gender-equality-in-your-everyday-life.pdf
Seeing in black and white the difference between what you do and what he does will definitely keep you on your current path

Best wishes

Honeyroar · 04/01/2023 11:19

needagoodnightsleep1 · 03/01/2023 23:37

Im not your maid!! If you want me to do everything leave, you'll be one less mouth to feed and one less person to clean up after. Im over reacting apparently

Show quote history

Good answer. Do it!

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 04/01/2023 11:23

Do you have a joint bank account? Just a bit of advice - take some money from it before he cleans it out. He's likely feeling hard done by and will want to punish you. Best wishes xx

ancientgran · 04/01/2023 11:42

I used to work a regular Monday to Friday 5 day week, DH did a Mon to Thursday one week and Monday to Saturday the alternate week. On his 4 day week he did all the housework on the Friday so we had a nice weekend. On his 6 day week I did it all on the Saturday and we had a nice Sunday. I think it worked well for us as it was balanced but it is nice to have a weekend free of housework.

Obviously you still have to do stuff during the rest of the week but the bulk being done in one day does have its advantages but it is different with a 3 year old as they need your attention.

You obviously had other problems so I hope the separation works out well.

billy1966 · 04/01/2023 11:51

needagoodnightsleep1 · 04/01/2023 10:54

Thank you all so much for your support and lovely commmets Flowers I've got up this morning got dd off to nursery and I'm now at work. He's got me wrong if he thinks this will break me I'm strong and independent, I do not need him!! He's definitely underestimated me.
There will be no talks regarding any of this with him anymore. There will be no talking me round. Ive done more than my fair share in this marriage if not more and I've been taken for granted for the very last time.
Thanks again for your support

The absolute worst thing you could do in any further conversation with him, is to be super calm, absolutely accepting that he is right, you were miserable, realise it now, accept it, and really feel positive about the future.

There is NOTHING more powerful than calm acceptance it IS OVER and you are in a good head space.

Tantruming lazy toddlers like him love dramatics, hence the stomping off last night.

Refuse to discuss anything other than child access and moving forward with a divorce.

You will likely see him on the back foot, have accusations of throwing the relationship away etc. thrown at YOU🙄

He HAS underestimated you.

Your relief at finally taking action is proof you are doing the right thing.

billy1966 · 04/01/2023 11:52

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 04/01/2023 11:23

Do you have a joint bank account? Just a bit of advice - take some money from it before he cleans it out. He's likely feeling hard done by and will want to punish you. Best wishes xx

This.

He probably things this is fixable.

Remove 50% of any shared savings.

Togoodtobeforgotten · 04/01/2023 12:04

Not read through all the posts but I would tell him to have the 3 year old if that's the case.

Soothsayer1 · 04/01/2023 12:08

needagoodnightsleep1 · 04/01/2023 00:28

@justasking111 probably at his mothers i really don't care!! He's her problem now not mine

Well done for being assertive but beware..... I don't expect his mother is too impressed at being lumbered with a man baby so she may be looking to offload him onto you quite soon!

Angiemum24 · 04/01/2023 12:10

You have not only saved yourself but also your daughter. When you were with your husband you were showing her that women have to everything so she would take that into her future adult relationships.

Hellybelly84 · 04/01/2023 12:29

My Husband works at least double the hours per month that I work (he works shifts) and helps me with the house, garden, childcare etc as soon as he has a day off. Its team work not a competition that your Husband clearly doesn’t understand. He also obviously doesn’t value one bit how important it is for you to have time on a Friday with your child. That is just horrible.

It sounds like you have pretty much made a decision and I think you are completely right to be out the door.

wouldvecouldveshouldve · 04/01/2023 12:33

Well done, OP. He was already taking the piss if you were doing 90% of everything to do with your home and child whilst earning more than he is to boot.

Unblock him, though. let him text/message. Save them for court!

purpledalmation · 04/01/2023 12:35

Husband has decided I can do all the housework?

Wife decides husband can pack his bags and fuck off.

Soothsayer1 · 04/01/2023 12:36

wouldvecouldveshouldve · 04/01/2023 12:33

Well done, OP. He was already taking the piss if you were doing 90% of everything to do with your home and child whilst earning more than he is to boot.

Unblock him, though. let him text/message. Save them for court!

I agree, he clearly has a talent for shooting himself in the foot so letting him message you will make it easier for you to build a case against him when it comes to child custody etc.
(Of course you need to make sure that you are always polite and never lose the moral high ground)