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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband has decided that i can do all the housework

235 replies

needagoodnightsleep1 · 03/01/2023 23:29

Led here in disbelief and pretty pissed off and need to have a little rant.
Ive been having doubts for some while about wether to end my marriage or not. Its been hard work, too hard!! Long story but i find him very self centred and lazy and it appears to be getting worse. He's not a very good husband or father and to be honest I'm not even sure why I'm still with him!! Im half way out the door.

Tonight he tells me that he's thought about the housework/shopping/washing etc and he states that seeing as he works more than me (i work 4 days and he works 5), that on the 5th day of him working i should do all the housework so on the two days off nothing will need doing. We have a 3 year old dd who i like to take to soft play lunch etc on my day off so its not like its a day off to myself.

I already do 90% of the housework the house is clean and organised, its me who makes sure all the bills are paid, holidays birthdays and Christmas are sorted.
And now I'm over reacting to his suggestions because not only will he not need to do anything on his two days off apparently neither will i!!
Led here feeling like an absolute fool and ready to end this marriage for good

OP posts:
manova366 · 04/01/2023 08:04

Is it possible to turn a thread into a "how to"?

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 04/01/2023 08:06

Sounds like you’re well rid of him.

ClarissaParry · 04/01/2023 08:06

Well done acting so swiftly. I did the same after my ex decided that hitting me would keep me in line. I immediately kicked him out and he stayed out. (After a night spent in a cell) Not only was he shocked, but both our families and wider friendship/support network when I said I was divorcing him a few days later.

Be prepared for people around you to feel destabilised or defensive when faced with your righteous fury and strength of character. Women are supposed to put up and shut up, not speak out and kick out! You may lose friends, like I did.

Keep going though, because life is about to get much, much easier for you when the dust settles.

QuinkWashable · 04/01/2023 08:14

This is the thing they don't want you to know... whispers... there is a lot less housework now he's gone....

Lazy, self-absorbed men like yours (and my ex) really don't realise how much benefit they get from having you (or me) to muck about doing all the stuff they can't be bothered to do - that's why when they go, they immediately find a new woman to be their maid.

After I got rid of mine, yes, it's been a lot of work - but I was doing it all anyway, but now I have full autonomy, and no-one using the food I've bought for dinner to make a snack and leaving salt etc. all-over the worktops. Me and the kids have our own routines, the washing is halved (or even less), and the only thing is that I'm basically trapped in the house after dark unless I've pre-arranged a baby-sitter.

ClarissaParry · 04/01/2023 08:21

Lazy, self-absorbed men like yours (and my ex) really don't realise how much benefit they get from having you (or me) to muck about doing all the stuff they can't be bothered to do - that's why when they go, they immediately find a new woman to be their maid.

Hehe, yep, my ex got married 6 weeks after the divorce went thru, the ink was barely dry 😅😅😅 His new secretary wife is just pitiable in my eyes.

TheDietStartsTomorrowOrMaybeTheDayAfter · 04/01/2023 08:28

Depends really. What’s his contribution? In our house, I’m chief cleaner but DH is chief cook. I hate cooking and he hates cleaning so it works out perfectly. We share the gardening. Tbh, you sound pretty unhappy so I suspect it goes deeper than this anyway.

QuinkWashable · 04/01/2023 08:28

Yep, mine didn't marry her, but has just got her pregnant - and unlike me, she's not got a job (he travels a lot, and brings her with him - I always worked remotely so kept my career, but she hasn't) so he's trapped her.

My overriding feeling for her is pity too - which is weird, because there's plenty I could be angry with her about.

ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat · 04/01/2023 08:28

Just re your "I'll be paying him comment", maintenance works on the basis of the non resident parent paying the resident parent, regardless of difference in income. Assuming your DC live with you more than 50% of the time, he'll be paying you about 18% of his gross salary..use the online calculator at the CMS website to work it out. Good luck

loislovesstewie · 04/01/2023 08:31

I hope he is making arrangements to collect all of his rubbish /possessions, you will find less housework to do when his stuff is out of the way. Good luck!

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 04/01/2023 08:36

💪

M103 · 04/01/2023 08:37

I admire you, well done for chucking him out!

crimsonpeak · 04/01/2023 08:42

Wow - just popped on to this thread as I saw a little of it last night and wow, things have escalated! Good on you OP!

diddl · 04/01/2023 08:46

needagoodnightsleep1 · 04/01/2023 00:36

@allboysherebutme i earn more than him so unfortunately it'll end up me paying. Im now more than happy to do all the housework with one less person in my house taking the mick

The housework will probably feel a lot less onerous when you are just doing it for the two of you & not carrying your ex as well.

TirisfalPumpkin · 04/01/2023 08:52

diddl · 04/01/2023 08:46

The housework will probably feel a lot less onerous when you are just doing it for the two of you & not carrying your ex as well.

Show quote history

Can confirm - it was always a flashpoint in my relationship with ex, he'd insist that doing any cleaning damaged his mental health. I had this idea that once newly single, I'd find it overwhelming and would end up living in squalor as I'm naturally lazy and disorganised. Without him creating dust, skin flakes, piles of dishes, bits of craft hobby, toe nail clippings etc everywhere, the house is cleaner than ever. Also, not being emotionally neglected/run down all the time and dropping the excess mental load is great for your energy levels and capacity to look after your surroundings.

Ihatethenewlook · 04/01/2023 09:04

TheDietStartsTomorrowOrMaybeTheDayAfter · 04/01/2023 08:28

Depends really. What’s his contribution? In our house, I’m chief cleaner but DH is chief cook. I hate cooking and he hates cleaning so it works out perfectly. We share the gardening. Tbh, you sound pretty unhappy so I suspect it goes deeper than this anyway.

I have a strong feeling that her oh’s contribution to the cooking and cleaning is pretty much zero.

workiskillingme · 04/01/2023 09:14

No no no
And I say that as a wife of a dickhead
He wouldnt even entertain this

Shesasuperfreak · 04/01/2023 09:16

Hmm ok so no dinner, washing up, ironing, vacuuming, wiping down the sides, changing the bin from mon-thur. Just on the Friday.

What a dick head

Sandra1984 · 04/01/2023 09:17

Why don’t you tell this to him instead to a bunch of strangers on the internet?

GorgonzolaDreams · 04/01/2023 09:17

Congratulations!
Well done you for kicking the lazy sod out!
Stay strong - don’t you dare let him creep back in!

Letitrainletitrainletitrain · 04/01/2023 09:18

Sandra1984 · 04/01/2023 09:17

Why don’t you tell this to him instead to a bunch of strangers on the internet?

You missed the bit where they did talk and he left ?

Stickytoff · 04/01/2023 09:19

Well done OP. His behaviour is completely unacceptable and he shows no willingness or capacity to change it. This would lead to endless frustration and resentment on your part if you had to deal with that forever. It is definitely short term pain for long term gain here.

SchnauzerEyebrows · 04/01/2023 09:21

Not sure what you mean by Led here but your husband sounds incredibly lazy! Get out whilst you can. He will only get worse

SchnauzerEyebrows · 04/01/2023 09:22

He's also Gaslighting you by saying you're overreacting

Boating123 · 04/01/2023 09:24

He wasn't thinking if all the jobs were done mid-week the three of you could have fun at the weekend together?

Just trying to give him the benefit of the doubt.

Chickenvoicesinmyhead · 04/01/2023 09:26

SchnauzerEyebrows · 04/01/2023 09:21

Not sure what you mean by Led here but your husband sounds incredibly lazy! Get out whilst you can. He will only get worse

@needagoodnightsleep1 has done sterling, decisive work and he's already gone.

Led here is just another way of saying I'm laying here.