Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband has decided that i can do all the housework

235 replies

needagoodnightsleep1 · 03/01/2023 23:29

Led here in disbelief and pretty pissed off and need to have a little rant.
Ive been having doubts for some while about wether to end my marriage or not. Its been hard work, too hard!! Long story but i find him very self centred and lazy and it appears to be getting worse. He's not a very good husband or father and to be honest I'm not even sure why I'm still with him!! Im half way out the door.

Tonight he tells me that he's thought about the housework/shopping/washing etc and he states that seeing as he works more than me (i work 4 days and he works 5), that on the 5th day of him working i should do all the housework so on the two days off nothing will need doing. We have a 3 year old dd who i like to take to soft play lunch etc on my day off so its not like its a day off to myself.

I already do 90% of the housework the house is clean and organised, its me who makes sure all the bills are paid, holidays birthdays and Christmas are sorted.
And now I'm over reacting to his suggestions because not only will he not need to do anything on his two days off apparently neither will i!!
Led here feeling like an absolute fool and ready to end this marriage for good

OP posts:
Ydkiml · 04/01/2023 04:52

Well done , I ll give him a week and he ll be asking to talk about your marriage. Let him speak so you can enjoy his sorry arse !

StarsSand · 04/01/2023 05:21

What a prick. Leave him, there will be less washing to do.

Festivfrenzy · 04/01/2023 05:59

Should be 50:50 housework as your 5th day of "work" is parenting your 3yo. Of course you can do the dishwasher and put a wash on while doing the lunch/in between playing or take DC on a food shop but mopping/full house cleaning is not fair on your DC- that's your bonding time which is way more important than household jobs!

Festivfrenzy · 04/01/2023 06:06

Just caught up on messages- well done! I hope you have a happy new life without him, or that he realises what a twat he's been and promises to be better in the future- in which case make sure he does revert over time!
So good you've stood your ground- why so many men take the piss and ruin perfectly good relationships is utterly baffling given they're usually less happy on their own!
Good luck stay strong be happy! Flowers

StarsSand · 04/01/2023 06:11

Well done OP!!!

starinthenightsky · 04/01/2023 06:20

Well done OP for respecting yourself enough to not tolerate this utter disrespect

YukoandHiro · 04/01/2023 06:20

He's an absolute idiot, but the first response you should have had is "I'm not doing nothing, I'm looking after a three year old which is a job in itself"
Ask him how much he gets done other than basic care when he's looking after your DC (or has he never done it solo?)

Twiglets1 · 04/01/2023 06:21

Unbelievable that an adult can be so unaware how many jobs need doing in a household- you can’t just do th all in one day anyway then rest all weekend! His mother maybe did all the housework when he was growing up? She can deal with her overgrown infant now.

YukoandHiro · 04/01/2023 06:21

Tell him if he wants to avoid all housework he'll need to pay a cleaner

WhatInFreshHell · 04/01/2023 06:22

Oh wow! Well done OP!

YukoandHiro · 04/01/2023 06:24

Oh wait, you've already ended things. I suspect this is probably for the best if this was the final straw rather than just an offensive suggestion

Zanatdy · 04/01/2023 06:29

What a joker. So assume he gets reduced childcare also as you have a day off in the week. Does he pay more than a 50/50 share because of this? I’ve been thinking how stupid I was financially when with my ex. I paid 50% of mortgage and all bills even on the 3 months stat mat pay. I paid 50% of the mortgage even though I only owned 40% and I paid 50% of the childcare even though I took a days pay cut to reduce the bill, so as we didn’t just share finances of course this meant I had less money coming in. But ex benefited of course from that, and like your situation I did a lot of housework on that day off, but why the heck should you have to spend the entire day off doing housework so he doesn’t have to do anything? He’d rather your child be sat there bored whilst you did housework to save him having to do 10% on the weekend? LTB! As you say this is one of many things wrong in your relationship, I would just say LTB for this alone, but I’d just end things now. Don’t be like me and not persue maintenance. In order to keep our relationship friendly I never pushed it after the 50-50 shared care ended soon after it started. He should have paid me over 150k over 12yrs, instead he bought an odd laptop and 1 car. An odd holiday. Not 150k worth or anywhere near. Plus he buggered off overseas and left me to do 100% of raising 2 kids. These men drive me mad they really do. Good luck - thanks for letting me have that rant!

KingJulien · 04/01/2023 06:37

What a satisfying thread OP. Well done.

ShandaLear · 04/01/2023 06:50

Wow, you don’t mess around. Well done 👏

Daisiesunderblueskies · 04/01/2023 06:53

You’re fantastic! This was me except the bastard cheated on me, gaslit me and eventually left me and the kids. I too earned more but did everything around the house and most of the childcare. I wish I had had the courage to do what you’ve done, I dreamed of it so many times and even when I asked him to go he refused and the misery continued.
I can’t tell you how much happier I am looking after just my two children now, after having been the maid for a pathetic man child for so long. Don’t look back and best of luck for a brighter, better future for you.

thefiddlerselbow · 04/01/2023 06:56

What an absolute delight to hear you turfed him out! Well done OP!

Wetblanket78 · 04/01/2023 07:00

Just do yours and ds ironing meals and washing up. Don't get him anything he wants when doing shopping either or anything for him. Ungrateful pig.

Zonder · 04/01/2023 07:01

WinterDeWinter · 04/01/2023 00:48

On the fifth day you are providing unpaid childcare. It is not a day off.

This! It would have been funny to see him do all the jobs while looking after a toddler!

TirisfalPumpkin · 04/01/2023 07:10

Be prepared for the Revenge of the Manbaby, as in the cold light of day he may realise how much you did for him and what he stands to lose. Crying and manipulation are common, don’t fall for it.

also, if he wants to introduce maths to division of labour, he could at least get it right. you work 44% of the hours and accordingly could pick up 56% of the housework. Not 90% and certainly not 100%. And in your shorter hours you out-earn him? Definitely feels like there is some injured male pride here. Wonder how he’d have reacted to a counter offer, ‘actually, since I bring in 60% of the money, I expect to completely relax on all 3 of my non working days’

I would get legal advice, since there’s a child involved and access arrangements will need to be sorted (watch him palm toddler off onto granny on his days)

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 04/01/2023 07:13

Well done. I hope the magic fairies will work out where he is and go and wash his pants for him.

Life will be so much easier without him!

Beautiful3 · 04/01/2023 07:38

When we both worked full time, we spent Sundays cleaning the house, and laundry too, together. When I worked part-time with little ones, I did most of it. But he did the washing up, took the bins out and vacuumed and moped up. Now I'm a sahm, he still washes up and mops up, the rest I do. I think the fact your partner, just point blank refused is really disrespectful. He didn't even offer to take on something. If he were single, he'd have to do everything himself. When my fil split from his wife, she used to do everything. It was a real shock that he had to run a house and go to work!

Bestcatmum · 04/01/2023 07:38

Good riddance. My ex H pulled this one too. He was living in the house I owned. It's why he's an ex. Some men think we are here to care for them and that is the sole purpose of our lives. Then they are shocked to find out this isnt the case.

ifonly4 · 04/01/2023 07:49

Even without you're DD, you'd be at it all day and more. He doesn't seem to value you or the quality of life for your DD, you're meant to be a partnership not an unpaid scivvy. Totally understand not wanting too many jobs to do on his day off, but they're just something that needs to be done.

So glad you've picked up the courage to tell him enough is enough. It'll either be a wake up call for him and he then really needs to show you he appreciates you and will do his bit, or long term you're better off without him.

HandbagsnGladrags · 04/01/2023 07:54

Ah yes I had an ex husband like that. Because he 'let me' work PT (to look after our child, I might add) it was my job to do all the housework.

Conversely, I have just moved to a 4 day week (no child now) and 2nd husband agrees we need to keep the cleaner on.

barbrahunter · 04/01/2023 07:55

Be prepared for him to try to come back, OP. It's possible that he left because he thought it would upset and frighten you. You have a journey ahead of you, but if you stay strong there are better times ahead.