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Relationships

Husband and his drinking

215 replies

Helen901 · 01/01/2023 21:24

Hello, im not really sure what im asking but want some recognition that my situation is crap.

Husband (48) and his drinking. Hes a daily drinker anyway. He has a full time job. No issues there. Over the last week or two, hes drank daily more so than usual because hes been off work and its Christmas/NY. Id estimate around 20 units a day (today for example its been a bottle of wine and 4 strong beers).

he does not see a problem with his drinking but i think its just too much. Even in a normal week, i think he drinks too much (beer after work). He would say he doesnt have a problem as he isnt drinking spirits. I find it really boring as we dont do anything with the children. I mean i do take them out but i do a lot of things on my own with them, he does his own thing (usually involves mates and pubs). Already feel like a single parent in a lot of ways.

if i try to bring the subject up, he doesn’t want to discuss it, gets angry and agressive and makes me feel like im blowing it out of proportion.

am i? Do your other halves drink daily? I bet they dont Christmas or not.

im wondering about calling it a day

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Adviceneeded200 · 01/01/2023 21:27

No. My husband will drink a bottle of wine on his own - apparently it goes off? But not if he's driving next day. So that rules out nights with work next day and if we are going anywhere.

He's probably drunk like this 4 times in 10 day holiday. Once back to work, one night a week maximum

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Oysterbabe · 01/01/2023 21:54

Wine is fine for a few days @Adviceneeded200

DH and I drink similar amounts. Normally a couple of glasses of wine or cider on a Friday and Saturday. It's been more over Christmas but not every day and not more than 3 drinks in an evening.

Your DH is drinking too much.

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PermanentTemporary · 01/01/2023 21:57

20 units a DAY?

That's a huge amount. And it's affecting your life and the kids' lives.

I've just started dry January because I probably drank 12 units a week during December and for me thats too much and it's affecting my functioning. But you can't make someone else decide to stop drinking.

I think your next stop needs to be Al-Anon for you.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/01/2023 22:00

His primary relationship is with drink, not you people and it’s never been with you either. BTW did you grow up seeing a heavily drinking parent too?

The 3cs re alcoholism are you did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it. There are also no guarantees when it comes to alcoholism either, he could go onto lose everything and everyone around him and still choose to drink afterwards.

Your situation is utter crap and I would actively start calling it a day now. Seek legal advice re separation and divorce asap, knowledge here is power. I doubt very much he will be at all interested in 50/50 re the kids as they will interfere also with his job and or drinking time. He is working, well for now anyway till he does not and I dare say his employers have noticed something.

It will do your children no favours to be brought up with an alcoholic parent and you in turn acting as his enabler, provoker and codependent partner. Your own recovery from his alcoholism will only properly start when you and he are apart. You cannot protect your kids from him fully particularly whilst you are all under the same roof and you remain very much preoccupied by his drinking. Like so many posts of this type it’s mainly about the alcoholic.

Alcoholism is not called the family disease for nothing and you’re all affected by his alcoholism. I imagine that both you and your kids are both quiet and subservient to him when he is around. Do not make this further become their legacy from childhood, they deserve better than this.

I would also suggest you get support from Al-anon as they are helpful to family members affected by another persons drinking. At the very least read their literature and if possible go to their meetings. You will meet ordinary people just like you there.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/01/2023 22:03

Like many alcoholics also he is in complete denial that he has a drink problem. Denial is a powerful force.

Do not make their dad’s alcoholism the cornerstone of your kids childhoods. They need you to protect them from this. Divorce is not failure here.

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lking679 · 01/01/2023 22:03

My Dad drinks this amount and we basically see him as a functioning alcoholic.
my brother drunk this amount but every night in the pub because he didn’t want to drink in the home… and basically became an absent father instead. He now goes to AA and has stopped drinking (mostly! :s).
Dad won’t stop but always did days out with us and doesn’t even seem drunk after 6 cabs of Guinness!

its too much. If the issue isn’t so much the drinking but what it means he misses out on us start there so he doesn’t get as defensive and ask him to do more with the kids!

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Lcb123 · 01/01/2023 22:04

That sounds awful and not normal. We have a rule to not drink at home Monday to Thursday. Over the weekend we will have a few beers/G&Ts and maybe a bottle of wine between us. I think you need to speak to him about it from a health perspective

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tedgran · 01/01/2023 22:08

It's not true to say that you're only an alcoholic if you drink spirits. Alcoholics drink beer, wine and spirits .

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/01/2023 22:19

Talking to an alcoholic about their drinking is about as effective an action as peeing in the ocean. He does not want your help or support and ultimately you can only help your own self. You cannot fix him and or his drink problem.

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Xxx92 · 01/01/2023 22:24

I used to have this problem. One day I went to view a house to rent and laid his cards on the table. I know that’s drastic but I was at my wits end. He sorted himself out but I have to rein him in every now and again but I’m exhausted because I feel like I have an extra child. Someone once said to “drinking is the longest apprenticeship in the world” which is totally true.
my advice is leave him to it once you’ve said your peace. Actions speak louder than words than revisit this post. Chin up love xx

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Helen901 · 01/01/2023 22:24

i feel like ive tried everything. Ive said no alcohol in the house, no drinking mon-fri, tried from the health perspective, the fact the kids are seeing it, he’s embarrassing sometimes around others, nothing seems to get through. Ive talked to him about units he drinks against those recommended. He just laughs at me. The only time it seems to make a difference is when i have “the talk” he reins it in for a week or two but it slowly slips back. I would love a husband who didnt drink.

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Xxx92 · 01/01/2023 22:33

Bless you I completely understand how draining it is. You’ve got to think of yourself most importantly and I know that can seem to be selfish. I often think I wonder how maybe better off I would be if it was just me and my son.
life and relationships are hard but you truly hold the key to your happiness and you need to consider that.
if nothing changes then nothing changes. I would say that one thing helped me - is that one day my partner was apologising for his behaviour from the night before. I basically said don’t you dare apologise to me because you’re not sorry are you!? Because you just repeat the same behaviours and he actually took a step back and considered his actions and stayed sober for a while. It’s hard, it really is but you will navigate your way through it all. Stay strong xxx

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UsingChangeofName · 01/01/2023 22:35

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/01/2023 22:03

Like many alcoholics also he is in complete denial that he has a drink problem. Denial is a powerful force.

Do not make their dad’s alcoholism the cornerstone of your kids childhoods. They need you to protect them from this. Divorce is not failure here.

Have to agree with this.

I'm not one to rush to 'ltb' on MN - it is ridiculously overused, but do you want you dc to grow up thinking it is normal to drink like this?
Do you want to spend the next 30 years (in the unlikely event he lives that long) living with an alcoholic that doesn't engage with you or with your family life ?
Do you not desrve better than this ?

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AnnieSnap · 01/01/2023 22:39

He’s either a functioning alcoholic, or well on his way to becoming one. Some people will say that a full bottle of wine everyday, combined with some beers is normal, it has become normalised, but it is not normal/safe behaviour. Unfortunately, many British people now drink at damaging levels, believing it to be fine. That’s why we now see 25-year-olds in hospital with alcoholic liver disease.

There is nothing you can do to influence his behaviour. He has to come to recognise himself that it’s a problem. He has to reach a point where the disadvantages out way the perceived advised for him. That could eventually be losing his job (it’s a progressive disease, so his consumption will increase over time), losing you and the kids or finding himself in the gutter. Don’t try to influence him, it will just cause you stress. Do what is best for you and your children.

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AnnieSnap · 01/01/2023 22:43

“Perceived advantages” not advised 🙄

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Pandora2011 · 01/01/2023 22:47

My dad drank like this and it hugely impacted my life having an absent father and becoming the family scapegoat. my sibling who could see no wrong with his behaviour and idolised him is now an end stage alcoholic and this is now impacting the whole family . I wish my mum had been able to protect us from this growing up.

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HappyintheHills · 01/01/2023 23:03

He’s an alcoholic and if you’d like a husband who doesn’t drink you should divorce this one as his primary is with alcohol not you or with your children.

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FootDown2022 · 01/01/2023 23:05

I was where you were. I tried to talk about his drinking with him for years. In the end I kicked him out of the house, it was awful. ExH still won't admit he has a problem with alcohol. I did years of having 'the talk' and him calming it down for a while but it was always temporary.
If you're at the point where you're posting about his drinking on mumsnet it's probably time to start getting your finances etc in order and making a long term plan to separate.

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LuluBlakey1 · 01/01/2023 23:14

After 2 pints DH is slightly drunk and after 3 he falls asleep. I'm not a drinker really. We rarely have a drink during the week but might have a glass of wine or a beer on Friday or Saturday.

My cousin can drink like your DH and has recently retired early. He now meets up with friends for lunch at a pub a couple of times a week as well as drinking 4 nights a week and on a Sunday afternoon. He is fine the rest of the time - up at 5am and at the gym every day, walks several miles a day but drinks easily 80 units + a week and sometimes more. He can be off alcohol completely if he chooses but he likes it. That's what convinces him he doesn't have a problem- that he can do without it. He was unwell recently after a binge and ended up having tests and was told by a liver specialist not to exceed 10 units a week- which he did for a couple of months but is back to his old routine.

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Longsight2019 · 02/01/2023 00:37

The processing of that level of daily units will be taking its toll on the liver and visceral fat. He is hugely increasing his risk of serious illness, high blood pressure, cholesterol and mental health problems. Not to mention the cost.

But, to change, he has to realise and appreciate that life without it can be so much better. All you can do is try and make him listen by showing him what he’s doing to himself, factually.

If you’ve access to TikTok (easily done) search for Scott Freda - an alcoholic who suffered with end stage cirrhosis and also lost his wife aged 40ish to alcoholism. He gives advice based on his experience and stimulates thought around the problem quite well.

vm.tiktok.com/ZMF3QQbC5/


Also, TheManWithTheHat — another alcoholic who has beaten the liquid drug and tells his story online.

www.tiktok.com/@themanwiththehat?_t=8Yg5iAqg1mo&_r=1

If he refuses to listen, then don’t waste your life trying. Protect you and your kids against his addiction, since that’s what we are talking about here if we are
honest. It’s just more widely accepted than other drugs.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/01/2023 09:39

Nothing will get through to him so stop wasting yet more time trying and failing to make him see sense.

He won't change; this is who he is. You can only change yours and your kids outlook here by leaving your alcoholic H. If you do truly want a H that does not drink your current H is not the man you should be with now.

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Helen901 · 02/01/2023 13:13

I do worry the effect he has on the kids. I dont think kids should see their dad with a beer in his hand constantly. I never saw this growing up.

i do worry that once the kids grow up there will be nothing left between us. I dont want to spend my retirement watching him drink/in pubs

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Pandora2011 · 02/01/2023 16:38

This is what happened with my mum, he was never interested in anything that didn’t involve drinking.Even on holiday he would leave her on her/us on own to sit propped up at the bar. He then died early into retirement through lifestyle choices

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KangarooKenny · 02/01/2023 16:45

My DH drinks a bottle of wine every night. He says he’s not an alcoholic, but did say he is reliant on alcohol. I personally don’t see the difference.
A couple of weeks ago, when we had a crunch talk, he said that he would never drink again. That lasted about 4 nights. He recently said he was doing dry January, guess what, he hasn’t.
They say whatever they want to get them out of the situation. At the end of the day, they lie to you and to themselves.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/01/2023 16:49

"I do worry the effect he has on the kids. I dont think kids should see their dad with a beer in his hand constantly. I never saw this growing up".

So why are they being subjected to all this now? You have a choice here re your H, your children do not. His drinking has wide and lasting effects on you, let alone your children who are and will also suffer badly here. The effects of this on them may also not become fully apparent until they are in relationships as adults.

"i do worry that once the kids grow up there will be nothing left between us. I dont want to spend my retirement watching him drink/in pubs"

Do not stay with him for the supposed sake of the children or out of some fear you have of not wanting to be alone.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up and just how sub level is your relationship bar to remain a party to this marriage?.

You potentially want to wait until the kids have grown up?. I would also argue there is nothing between you now let alone at that time in the far future. No woman would actually want to spend their retirement watching their man get drunk in pubs repeatedly either.

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