Husband and his drinking

[Helen901]

Hello, im not really sure what im asking but want some recognition that my situation is crap.

Husband (48) and his drinking. Hes a daily drinker anyway. He has a full time job. No issues there. Over the last week or two, hes drank daily more so than usual because hes been off work and its Christmas/NY. Id estimate around 20 units a day (today for example its been a bottle of wine and 4 strong beers).

he does not see a problem with his drinking but i think its just too much. Even in a normal week, i think he drinks too much (beer after work). He would say he doesnt have a problem as he isnt drinking spirits. I find it really boring as we dont do anything with the children. I mean i do take them out but i do a lot of things on my own with them, he does his own thing (usually involves mates and pubs). Already feel like a single parent in a lot of ways.

if i try to bring the subject up, he doesn’t want to discuss it, gets angry and agressive and makes me feel like im blowing it out of proportion.

am i? Do your other halves drink daily? I bet they dont Christmas or not.

im wondering about calling it a day

I know the answer from most people has been leave them they won't change but did anyone give their partner a chance and it worked?
I am so sick of my husband's drinking constantly and moods and general misery. Sometimes he's fine and then I convince myself it'll be ok and I can over look the drinking but it is just so bloody annoying. Plus expensive and bad for his health.

After yet another row about drinking and other things he went to an alcohol support group last week now he seems practically married to them, unable to make any decisions without their say so. He told me he was going to start by having one night a week not drinking and cutting down on the other nights. I said, probably out I'd desperation more than anything. Meeting went well, his night off the booze resulted in him being stroppy but acknowledging it was hard but then watched a film and actually was fine.

Then today comes, along side cutting out one night a week I'd told him it needed to be less habit like and not interfere with our day. Today he cracks open a beer at 12:30 saying football is on. We go to a friend's at 3, friend is recovering from a heart attack and not drinking I've told him this and said why not drink his non alcoholic ones. He doesn't, 4 strong alea which really annoyingly the friends encourage. Get home his team are playing and losing, carries on drinking and is in a hideous mood snapping at the kids etc.

I tell him it's out of order and he says I haven't given him a chance he has done what he promises for that week and I am being unfair. We row and he says his drinking has.nothing to do with me and I just need to either stay or go but if I go I'll be on my own with 4 kids and good luck my life will be shit.

He's clearly feeling guilty as he's now fawning over my eldest making up silly handshakes etc and my boy is buzzing with excitement. I feel horrific that I might take him away from his dad but also wondering if he notices how up and down his dad is any what that will mean for his own mental health.

I've gone to bed as I feel so sad and confused and he's texting saying his hard he's trying and I need to give him time...but he isn't is he? If he was that bothered he'd have cut right down or stopped.

Does anyone think we can get to a point where he has a normal relationship with alcohol and can have a few at the weekend and be ok. I told him my ideal would be he didn't drink all week he said that was unlikely.

@Edi111 some people do manage moderation. I used to drink a lot more than I do now (40+ units per week, it was pretty bad). It was just habit. That was brought home to me when I developed a stinking cold, poured myself the standard glass of wine one night and realised it was pointless because I couldn't even taste it. I poured it back, then did a dry June on the promise to myself that if I found it hard, I would just not drink again, ever. It was actually really easy and I felt sou much better that I just reset my relationship with alcohol and it stayed reset. I only do Dry January because of losing both my husband and my mum to alcohol.

I think that if you find not drinking hard, you should probably not drink at all. Your husband is probably not someone who could do a dry month easily.

My DSis' partner is 12 years sober this year, having been a 'proper' alcoholic. It can be done, but you have to really want it.

Alcoholics do get sober, but not until they accept fully responsibility and accept it's their problem, and not something they can blame others for. The Ops husband is nowhere near that, and while he may well benefit from help from professionals there is nothing they can do for him if he won't do the work. It is certainly not the responsibility of the OP or other spouses to 'help'. Alanon might not work for everyone but the AA mantra that we didn't cause. can't control and can't cure our partner's drinking is a vital one to take on board.

@Edi111 it is so, so bad for them. I remember my DH having a 'laugh' with my kids, and how confusing it was for them when he said inappropriate things, or got suddenly snappy. As he got gradually worse, they started trying to avoid him and we all walked on egg shells. Both my children are grown up now and both have mental health issues. I should have left so much earlier.

@tribpot your post is visible again. Thanks for taking the time to post the links.

@Helen901 I finally asked my husband to leave after starting a mumsnet thread about him. Posting here has been very helpful, I hope it's helping you too.

@Helen901

Don't be surprised if he blames you for starting to drink again. He'll say you've given up on him, your marriage, your family, your future so why should he bother, particularly as he doesn't drink much.

Heavy drinkers and alcoholics are the most deluded truth twisters and won't readily accept responsibility for their actions and certainly not at the stage your dh is at

One of my old friends died of liver failure last week at the age of 48. His wife left him a long time ago to spare herself and her kids from watching him kill himself with drink. It took incredible bravery on her part because she felt so guilty but she had to go. Their kids are early teens. He never thought he had a problem.

Thank you. I approached him about his late night argument Friday night. I honestly dont think he could remember. We got distracted by the kids so lucky escape for him. We dont really get the chance to have a proper conversation as the kids are always around.

i wondered whether to speak to his parents myself, let them know what happening. I wondered if they spoke to him it might help to make it more real?

Edi111

i would ask you how many chances you have given him already . How many times have you already excused and or otherwise covered for him.

You need to let go of any and all hope he will change. This is who he is, There are no guarantees here when it comes to alcoholism. He should never drink any alcohol ever again as he is an alcoholic but he cannot and will not do that.

Do not make his alcoholism the cornerstone of your kids childhoods. You have a choice re this man and your children do not. They do not warrant such a parent in their lives. Find it within you to plan your exit from this before you all get further dragged down by him and his inherent alcoholism. Alcohol too is a cruel mistress.

Helen

What do you expect from them?
i would not bother speaking to his parents because they likely know and are just relieved he is not their problem or on their hands. Your h does not want to admit he at all has a problem with alcohol. There are no guarantees when it comes to alcoholism either. He could go onto lose every thing around him and could still choose to drink afterwards.

As mentioned also previously talking to an alcoholic about their drinking is about as effective an action as peeing in the ocean. And in the meantime too the kids are seeing and hearing all this, think about what you are teaching them about relationships. They do not need this particular set of damaging lessons.

I think it is true that no amount of talks from anyone else will stop someone drinking, it has to be the person telling themselves they have a problem. At the beginning of last year I realised I had slipped into the habit of wine every night with supper, plus a beer afterwards. I started on a diet and cut out the wine which I managed as I was so thrilled with my weight loss. Since then I have lost around four stone, with a couple more to go. I have recently started to cut out ANY home drinking, which was a bottle of lager most nights, just a half, to try and help shift the last two stone, which is mainly my tummy. Apparently alcohol can cause this visceral tummy fat.

your husband could cut down or even stop the drinking, but has to want to himself. No one else can do it for him. Personally I feel so much better for it. I guess I was lucky in that I could just stop it without any side effects. Weight loss became more important to me.

Please do the right thing for your children and yourself, and get out of this relationship. Drink is more important to him than his family and that is very unlikely to change. Let's face it - the threat of you divorcing him hasn't made him change.

I recorded my drunk and slurring DH on my phone to show him, as he could never recall how vile he was, and suggested I made things up.

Absolutely this

You have a choice but your children don't. You choose for them.

Get them away from this life

In his eyes, you've not done anything different than previous threats so he's not taking it on board. I get how hard it is, did it myself though not married- wish I was actually in hindsight as financially much harder after.
Make him see how serious it is by seeing a solicitor. At the moment you are talking of bringing his family into it only, this could backfire as you say your MIL will try to convince you otherwise. You could well find increased pressure to do nothing about it from them.
Starting legal proceedings sends a clear message ( it's not like you can't stop it if things change down the line).

In my experience, involving Dh's family brought me nothing but grief. They made excuses for him, and after I finally left, blamed me, claiming he was drinking so heavily because of the planned divorce.

@Dottymug I didn't tell my husband's family because he asked me not to. His parents were dead by this point. I did tell my mother, but didn't pay much heed to her response because she was also an alcoholic - she told me 'if I were nicer to him, he wouldn't drink so much'.

What helped me was telling trusted friends and also my line manager at work, who was incredibly supportive and helped me get counselling quicker.

Helen, you keep saying that you need to have a proper conversation with your Dh. Can you not see how pointless that is when he isn't ever sober? One of the worst things about dealing with ending the relationship an alcoholic is that you can't make joint decisions and you won't get an apology that means anything. He will twist what you say, lie to you, cry pitifully or get abusive. None of that will bring you further forward. See a good lawyer instead.

@pointythings agreed -my sisters, my friends and colleagues were a huge support to me. Once I decided to stop keeping his alcoholism a dirty secret and tell people I trusted, I was finally able to see clearly that I was living in a nightmare that couldn't be allowed to continue for my kids' sake.

Its pointless i know. Hes been secret drinking today. I heard him quietly opening a can earlier but no glass of drink so he either stuffed it in a cupboard or drank it quick and washed the glass. Outside i noticed he had 5 beers in a bag, two of which were from another pack as they werent the pint cans which means hes drank 4 normal sized cans and 3 pint sized cans today so far…

absolute madness given how the land lies. Hes clearly not bothered one bit 🤦🏻‍♀️

@Helen901 every time he does something like this, let it feed your determination to get out. Sadly this kind of behaviour does kill whatever feelings you have left for the person you married. It's incredibly sad. But work with purpose towards your escape and then take time to grieve your marriage.

I know, i was feeling really bloody guilty earlier but not now. He has drank all weekend despite me sticking to my decision. He’s just carried on as normal 😤

I do feel like im making this decision on my own. He gives me the woe is me act but wont discuss anything like an adult. Hes burying his head. Im wondering if asking him to move out might help us here? Were in rented in my name so he doesnt have a claim to stay (my name on all bills…this is a long time coming as you can tell)

I know exactly how you feel. I had to do all the heavy lifting in my divorce while he drank and felt sorry for himself. Our situation was a little different in that we owned a house together, and he had conceded that I would get the house in exchange for no child maintenance (2 older teens) and no claim on any of his savings or pension. I was fine with that.

I did however ask him to move out after his behaviour deteriorated so badly that DD2 started showing signs of PTSD. He dragged his feet about it to the point where I found him a flat and chased him endlessly into finalising it, until the police incident sped things up. You will also have to drive this. It will be draining and exhausting. As I've said before, if he goes from self pity to aggression, do not hesitate to involve the police.

Awful as it was, it was absolutely worth it.

You're still counting the cans, Helen. That way lies madness. He has to go. Ask him to leave, but obviously it may not be straightforward and you'll have to keep pushing (not literally!) Try and remember that you're dealing with a person who is unable to think rationally. Blame and anger on your part isn't helpful at the moment. Keep calm but be absolutely firm. He can't stay with you anymore. He is in the grip of an addiction, and while it IS pitiful, your first and only responsibility is to your children. He is an adult and this is HIS problem to fix.

I agree with @Dottymug that continuing to track what he's drinking is a habit you need to break. And I do know that's easier said than done. Have you looked for support for yourself? It's really important to get that in place as you embark on ending this marriage - it will be tough and you deserve all the help you can get.