Husband and his drinking

[Helen901]

Hello, im not really sure what im asking but want some recognition that my situation is crap.

Husband (48) and his drinking. Hes a daily drinker anyway. He has a full time job. No issues there. Over the last week or two, hes drank daily more so than usual because hes been off work and its Christmas/NY. Id estimate around 20 units a day (today for example its been a bottle of wine and 4 strong beers).

he does not see a problem with his drinking but i think its just too much. Even in a normal week, i think he drinks too much (beer after work). He would say he doesnt have a problem as he isnt drinking spirits. I find it really boring as we dont do anything with the children. I mean i do take them out but i do a lot of things on my own with them, he does his own thing (usually involves mates and pubs). Already feel like a single parent in a lot of ways.

if i try to bring the subject up, he doesn’t want to discuss it, gets angry and agressive and makes me feel like im blowing it out of proportion.

am i? Do your other halves drink daily? I bet they dont Christmas or not.

im wondering about calling it a day

I feel for you OP. My father was a regular drinker, still managed to work although it got worse as he got older. He developed a neurological disease before he died although not sure if alcohol related, probably was. His brother died in his 60s from alcohol related disease, liver failure and other stuff.
Your husbands health will be affected at some point by his drinking.

A relative is a full on alcoholic , would go on benders for days at a time, fight with his wife etc. His children have been affected by his drinking, mental health issues.

Apart from the emotional and mental strain on you, how much money is he spending on booze that could be spent on the family, money for a house etc.
Sounds like he has no intention of stopping, gaslighting you and twisting things around.
If the house is in your name, that's a good thing surely?
He needs to know you are not going to put up with it, if he chooses to keep drinking then it's his choice.
The children will probably be happier if he is not there, also you as you won't need to walk on eggshells.
Goid luck, you don't need to live like this.

Thank you to everyone who has responded. I didnt get the chance yesterday. Someone popped over to see us.

so get this, he drank 2 pub pints, 4 large bottles and a large glass of wine. When he got in bed he stunk. Im setting myself this week to speak to him before Wednesday. Wish me luck 🫤

Helen, be warned that the conversation will not go well. He will either be angry and aggressive (I got called fat and ugly too many times for it to bother me anymore) or he will get upset and cry and make promises that he won't be able to keep. As I've commented already, don't pin any hopes on 'the conversation'. He is never truly sober so he is never truly in his right mind. Plan your life without him.

We have had the talk which, predictably didnt go well. Obviously upset. I said id given ultimatums before, nothing has changed, this is going to be the year we move on. I mentioned the drinking (along with other things). He was like “oh not this again” i also mentioned slamming doors, shouting which he didn’t seem to recall bizarrely. Ive now got to keep strong 💪 i just dont want things to slip back to the status quo

Well done you!! Glad you had the talk. Remember your the key to your own happiness. Sending lots of love and supportive hugs whatever you both decide. Xx

DP doesn't drink at home. We have been married for 26 years and we have never had alcohol in our house. DP does go to the pub most Fridays and have a few pints with friends. I don't drink alcohol at all.

@Helen901 he won’t remember the slamming and shouting due to the excess drinking. Many people think ‘blackouts’ are when they fall into near unconsciousness, they are not. In fact they are the times when they do things and don’t remember. They become increasingly common over time. Things will slip back unless you remain strong. It’s not easy 💐

@Helen901 you've now given it everything. Time to move forwards with the divorce and building your new life. Please consider getting some support from Al-Anon or SMART Family& Friends - you will get help from people who have been where you are now and you will feel so much less alone. Getting through divorcing an alcoholic is incredibly hard, but it really is worth it.

@pointythings @Helen901 if you live the man he was before the drink took over, maybe see what separation does before rushing to divorce. If you and your children are not having to endure his behaviour, there need be no urgency to divorce. That is, unless you know that you are done, even if he did become sober. Most don’t of course, but some do.

Last two days hes not had a drink (as far as i know). It always makes it harder as hes a nicer person and we get on but i just know it wont last. He will most likely drink tonight. He kept saying- why am i doing this but rather than feeling like a horrible person, i kept turning it round in my head to be, well why do you keep doing it. You dont care how you make me feel. Honestly i feel like ive given it everything, i cant keep going round in a circle, things have to change

You know deep down this period of no drinking won't last so I think you're better of scrapping the ultimatum and moving on with ending your relationship

You can't spend your life wondering what he's had to drink and planning your life around his drinking. As your kids get older they will notice and hate it, trust me.

Once he's gone you'll feel much better and he can crack on with getting pissed without ruining your life

Unfortunately drink will always be his priority, you know this

@AnnieSnap my husband died in 2018, from the effects of alcohol abuse. I had to have him removed from our house by the police because he threatened to kill me (drunk). I stayed with him and tried to support him for almost 7 years. One of my children is still working through the trauma of the things he did. I'm pretty sure OP has kids too, and they will be affected even if he isn't throwing chairs.

The majority of people who misuse alcohol don't recover. I know one who has - my Dsis' partner. I've been there, done that, I know my stuff so kindly do not preach at me.

@pointythings I feel for you. I am not preaching to you. I have been there too. My husband is an alcoholic. I too had to get the Police to remove him from the house. I was convinced I was done and that the man I loved didn’t exist anymore. I was astounded to discover that losing me was his rock bottom, he arranged himself to go into rehab and he nearly 4-years-on he has never had another drink. We are reconciled and happier than we’ve ever been. I completely agree with you that, tragically, most alcoholics never stop drinking. My point was that so long and the OP and her children are away from him, separated, if she still loves what he was before the alcohol, it might be worth a wait and see period (which would be short. He’d either stop or not immediately after the break-up) before commencing expensive divorce proceedings.

@AnnieSnap I'm glad your DH managed to find sobriety. However, the people living with an alcoholic have to put themselves and their children first. It isn't about the husband's rock bottom, it's about whether OP feels she has hit hers. Her husband has had so many chances.

Glad also to read that your H chose of his own accord to start his recovery. That scenario is unlikely to happen here given OP herself wrote this re her H in one of her earlier postings:
"He doesnt see his drinking as a problem unfortunately"

That says it all really; like so many alcoholics he remains in denial and that is a powerful force. There are also no guarantees when it comes to alcoholism; they could go onto lose everything and everyone around them and still choose to drink afterwards.

He is not going to change, in this case she can only change how she reacts to him. OP also needs to address her issues pertaining to codependency as this and alcoholism often go hand in hand. Alcoholism is also known as the "family disease" for good reason as all here are affected by the alcoholic. OPs own recovery will only properly start when she and her kids are fully apart from their alcoholic H/dad respectively.

The OP has never said that her husband has hit her and she has indicated that there is still affection there. I’ve said twice that she needs to get him out if the house, or separate in some way. Based on your previous replies to me, I think you may be projecting. You are reading things in this thread that haven’t been said. I hear what you’ve been through and believe me, you have my sympathy and I understand why you are being defensive.

if i try to bring the subject up, he doesn’t want to discuss it, gets angry and agressive and makes me feel like im blowing it out of proportion.

@AnnieSnap please see the above.

If you think hitting is the only standard for abusive behaviour, you have no business giving advice on this thread. My late husband never hit any of us either. The damage he did to me and my DC was nevertheless immense.

I always question why people stay with alcoholics? Is it pity? Fear of being alone? Love surely fades when putting up with this crap day in, day out. When you get with someone and agree to marry them, you don’t envisage a life like this. Alcoholics love alcohol more than anything else. My parents did and they are both dead now. Both prematurely. It really fractured our relationship as they were horrible when pissed and I had to stop visiting them.

@Nat1833 for me it was a toxic mix of hope that he would realise what he was doing and stop and the memories of the man I married, the one I wanted back. It takes a long time to realise that you're more than likely not going to get that person back and that even if you do, it won't be the same because you will always have that fear in the back of your mind that it could all start up again.

The only thing I regret about ending my marriage is that I didn't do it two years earlier.

@pointythings Yeah I suppose those early memories of the different man are still strong and women do tend to be more accepting/forgiving/hopeful than men when it comes to relationships.

my parents just ended up becoming very bitter and twisted and I really hope all of you that are suffering can find a way to regain your happiness and free yourselves from this .

FFS! You said “it’s about how the OP feels when he hits her”. You are determined to be right, even if it means twisting things, including what you have said yourself. Aside from that particular bee in your bonnet, we actually agree and we’ve both endured living with an active alcoholic, but I’m not going to engage with you any further!

@Nat1833 I'm now 5 years single and come August I will be 5 years a widow. I can honestly say that life without an alcoholic in it has been a revelation. The problem is that people don't become alcoholics overnight - it's a process and it drags the whole family along in a slow, boiling frog kind of way until your perception of what is normal becomes completely distorted. I now co-facilitate a support group for people who have loved ones in any kind of addiction and I'm the go to person for people who have an alcoholic spouse. And no, I don't tell people to just LTB because life isn't that simple, but I do encourage them to start thinking of themselves and their DC if any instead of prioritising their addicted OH. That actually also happens to the men, it's not just women. I think it's the perception of marriage being a commitment no matter what that ends up being so damaging here.

@AnnieSnap I'm glad your DH managed to find sobriety. However, the people living with an alcoholic have to put themselves and their children first. It isn't about the husband's rock bottom, it's about whether OP feels she has hit hers. Her husband has had so many chances.

@AnnieSnap maybe work on reading comprehension? Read the underlined sentence above. I never claimed the OP's husband hits her. I pointed out that in a relationship where there is addiction, everyone has a rock bottom, not just the alcoholic. I await your apology.

We know a young couple..late 30s...husband drinks at least 4 cans of strong lager a night and drinks throughout the day too at weekends...at least 32 units a week, possibly more. The DW says it's not an issue he drinks less than most of his friends apparently. She says it's the usual pattern nowadays. She also mentioned he only drinks beer so he's not an alcoholic in her eyes!
It's a frightening scenario if she's right and most of their peer group are drinking like this.

My dad was a drinker, mine and my siblings fri and sat nights were down the pub chucked in the kids room with all the other pissheads kids left to our own devices then the embarrassing drunk walk home with mum and dad. From a young age we had numerous "drunk friends of our parents" round till the early hours of every morning.. (mostly weekends) We had a bar in our living room full of drink, my dad started work at 6am so was out of the house before i got up, we was at childminders till 7 everyday so got home about 7.30pm where my dad would come in eat dinner go for a shower and get to the pub for last orders, so i never saw my dad, he never came out with us to trips etc and holidays he would always be in the nearest pub.
Fast forward to now, he is now 62 still drinking (tries to hide it but we all blatantly know and have told him) and he now has alcoholic dementia. He has been told if he carries on drinking he will completely lose his memory, he forgets things like putting stuff in the oven, leaves the front door open, leaves his phone places when he goes out, repeats everything he says 2 mins later, the drink has ruined him and will be the death of him.
Growing up with an alcoholic parent is the worst, no fun memories just horrible bad ones.
Get your children out before its too late as you can't forget memories of your drunk dad no matter how much you try.