Husband and his drinking

[Helen901]

Hello, im not really sure what im asking but want some recognition that my situation is crap.

Husband (48) and his drinking. Hes a daily drinker anyway. He has a full time job. No issues there. Over the last week or two, hes drank daily more so than usual because hes been off work and its Christmas/NY. Id estimate around 20 units a day (today for example its been a bottle of wine and 4 strong beers).

he does not see a problem with his drinking but i think its just too much. Even in a normal week, i think he drinks too much (beer after work). He would say he doesnt have a problem as he isnt drinking spirits. I find it really boring as we dont do anything with the children. I mean i do take them out but i do a lot of things on my own with them, he does his own thing (usually involves mates and pubs). Already feel like a single parent in a lot of ways.

if i try to bring the subject up, he doesn’t want to discuss it, gets angry and agressive and makes me feel like im blowing it out of proportion.

am i? Do your other halves drink daily? I bet they dont Christmas or not.

im wondering about calling it a day

What @Dottymug said. And I reiterate: given that you are married and that he has as much right to be in the marital home as you do, he may well refuse to move out. Be prepared for that - which effectively means the sooner you start the divorce going, the better it will be.

in my situation, the rental contract is in my name for me and kids. He's not named any where.

Well done. Your life will be a lot better with him gone.

@Helen901 that should help somewhat. I hope you find the strength to initiate the divorce soon. It's a good thing we now have no fault divorce.

God hes so frustrating! Reiterated my words again today and he disagreed with everything i said. Had an answer for everything. Stood my ground though 💪

He was over an hour late home. Said he was stuck in traffic when he came through the door (he does work in a city and travels on a motorway so plausible). I had to pop out to collect my little one from her friends house, when i got back i saw an empty glass on the side but smelt it and it had beer in. No beers in the house. I checked. Hmm 🤔 Later on he confessed (or forgot what he told me earlier) he had met a mate on his way home and had beer in the pub, i asked about the glass on the side and he got all defensive “oh am i not allowed to have a beer now then?” Anyway, i went up to bed and could hear him opening another couple of beers in the kitchen. Madness, when hes got so much to lose 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Helen901 why are you still smelling glasses and ‘checking’ him? You know how he drinks. You didn’t cause it and can’t influence it. Those of us who have been there have done all of this, before we learned that it just causes us more stress and feeds the problem. If you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got. I don’t mean this in a nasty way at all, but you are repeatedly going over old ground here. Have you learned nothing from this thread? If you are not ready to make him leave, fine, but stop engaging with his behaviours. Live your own life. Let him get on with it! If not, he will use your ‘nagging’ as another excuse to drink. You achieve nothing by checking any of this, or by asking him what he has been doing.

I see his 'no drinking Mon-Wed' plan lasted a long time.

He has no intention of reducing his drinking on order to save his marriage, you already knew this. Just focus on making your own plans. Have you told anyone that you are separating yet?

Thank you for the virtual slap 👋 old habits die hard i guess

I don't think castigating @Helen901 is helpful. It takes time to recognise non constructive habits and then break them.

I used to also be a heavy drinker. My dad was an alcoholic and covid drinking crept up on me. Now I drink once a week not even that. Quit lit helped me loads. I have a few books, I’m happy to post them if your in the UK? If they’ll help xx

@Xxx92 quit lit won't help OP's husband because he won't admit he has a problem. He isn't ready. And OP is done after years of living with it. Her husband can get his own quit lit after the divorce.

Alcoholics are endlessly frustrating. His behaviour will enrage you on a daily basis and your children will hear your arguments and sense your distress and the longer this goes on the more they will suffer. I know it's so, so hard but you need to stop reacting and start acting. If he won't agree to go willingly, get help to remove him. He's not on the tenancy agreement and you don't want him in your home any longer, so get him out.

@Helen901 Keep bearing in mind that with the amount he is drinking, it's only a matter of time before the wheels come off completely He'll be brought home on a weekly/daily basis by neighbours who've found him collapsed in the street, or he'll be verbally or physically abusive to you or one of the kids, or he'll be sacked from his job, or get arrested for drink driving. That stuff's excruciating.

If that is aimed at me. I am not castigating her 🙄 You are not the only poster here with experience. I respect your opinions, please respect those of others!

Thanks for all replies, im reading them all and they are giving me strength x