Husband and his drinking

[Helen901]

Hello, im not really sure what im asking but want some recognition that my situation is crap.

Husband (48) and his drinking. Hes a daily drinker anyway. He has a full time job. No issues there. Over the last week or two, hes drank daily more so than usual because hes been off work and its Christmas/NY. Id estimate around 20 units a day (today for example its been a bottle of wine and 4 strong beers).

he does not see a problem with his drinking but i think its just too much. Even in a normal week, i think he drinks too much (beer after work). He would say he doesnt have a problem as he isnt drinking spirits. I find it really boring as we dont do anything with the children. I mean i do take them out but i do a lot of things on my own with them, he does his own thing (usually involves mates and pubs). Already feel like a single parent in a lot of ways.

if i try to bring the subject up, he doesn’t want to discuss it, gets angry and agressive and makes me feel like im blowing it out of proportion.

am i? Do your other halves drink daily? I bet they dont Christmas or not.

im wondering about calling it a day

[Helen901]

Thanks for all replies, im reading them all and they are giving me strength x

[AnnieSnap]

@pointythings

I don't think castigating @Helen901 is helpful. It takes time to recognise non constructive habits and then break them.

If that is aimed at me. I am not castigating her 🙄 You are not the only poster here with experience. I respect your opinions, please respect those of others!

[Dottymug]

@Helen901 Keep bearing in mind that with the amount he is drinking, it's only a matter of time before the wheels come off completely He'll be brought home on a weekly/daily basis by neighbours who've found him collapsed in the street, or he'll be verbally or physically abusive to you or one of the kids, or he'll be sacked from his job, or get arrested for drink driving. That stuff's excruciating.

[Dottymug]

Alcoholics are endlessly frustrating. His behaviour will enrage you on a daily basis and your children will hear your arguments and sense your distress and the longer this goes on the more they will suffer. I know it's so, so hard but you need to stop reacting and start acting. If he won't agree to go willingly, get help to remove him. He's not on the tenancy agreement and you don't want him in your home any longer, so get him out.

[pointythings]

@Xxx92 quit lit won't help OP's husband because he won't admit he has a problem. He isn't ready. And OP is done after years of living with it. Her husband can get his own quit lit after the divorce.

[Xxx92]

I used to also be a heavy drinker. My dad was an alcoholic and covid drinking crept up on me. Now I drink once a week not even that. Quit lit helped me loads. I have a few books, I’m happy to post them if your in the UK? If they’ll help xx

[pointythings]

I don't think castigating @Helen901 is helpful. It takes time to recognise non constructive habits and then break them.

[Helen901]

Thank you for the virtual slap 👋 old habits die hard i guess

[tribpot]

I see his 'no drinking Mon-Wed' plan lasted a long time.

He has no intention of reducing his drinking on order to save his marriage, you already knew this. Just focus on making your own plans. Have you told anyone that you are separating yet?

[AnnieSnap]

@Helen901 why are you still smelling glasses and ‘checking’ him? You know how he drinks. You didn’t cause it and can’t influence it. Those of us who have been there have done all of this, before we learned that it just causes us more stress and feeds the problem. If you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got. I don’t mean this in a nasty way at all, but you are repeatedly going over old ground here. Have you learned nothing from this thread? If you are not ready to make him leave, fine, but stop engaging with his behaviours. Live your own life. Let him get on with it! If not, he will use your ‘nagging’ as another excuse to drink. You achieve nothing by checking any of this, or by asking him what he has been doing.

[Helen901]

God hes so frustrating! Reiterated my words again today and he disagreed with everything i said. Had an answer for everything. Stood my ground though 💪

He was over an hour late home. Said he was stuck in traffic when he came through the door (he does work in a city and travels on a motorway so plausible). I had to pop out to collect my little one from her friends house, when i got back i saw an empty glass on the side but smelt it and it had beer in. No beers in the house. I checked. Hmm 🤔 Later on he confessed (or forgot what he told me earlier) he had met a mate on his way home and had beer in the pub, i asked about the glass on the side and he got all defensive “oh am i not allowed to have a beer now then?” Anyway, i went up to bed and could hear him opening another couple of beers in the kitchen. Madness, when hes got so much to lose 🤷🏻‍♀️

[pointythings]

@Helen901 that should help somewhat. I hope you find the strength to initiate the divorce soon. It's a good thing we now have no fault divorce.

[emptythelitterbox]

@Helen901

He really doesn’t see his drinking as an issue. The friend he went to see is a heavy drinker too and i would say an alcoholic. He genuinely thinks everyone drinks like he does and im the odd one for not drinking really.

ok im setting myself the end of this week to have told the inlaws and deadline a date for him moving out

Well done. Your life will be a lot better with him gone.

[Helen901]

@pointythings

What @Dottymug said. And I reiterate: given that you are married and that he has as much right to be in the marital home as you do, he may well refuse to move out. Be prepared for that - which effectively means the sooner you start the divorce going, the better it will be.

in my situation, the rental contract is in my name for me and kids. He's not named any where.

[pointythings]

What @Dottymug said. And I reiterate: given that you are married and that he has as much right to be in the marital home as you do, he may well refuse to move out. Be prepared for that - which effectively means the sooner you start the divorce going, the better it will be.

[Dottymug]

OP, I know how hard this is, but you need to get your head round the fact he is isn't thinking logically any more and that any discussion is pointless. If he could think straight, he'd see he had a massive problem and you're not the odd-one-out, but he can't, and he will twist sense out of shape in his efforts to convince himself and you that this is okay. All his brain can focus on is his need for drink. Unless you tell him he must leave, pack his bags and show him to the door, nothing will change. Tell his parents if you feel you must, but don't rely on their support. If his brother can provide practical help, then tell him. However, your own family and friends are much more likely to give you emotional support than his family members.

[Helen901]

He really doesn’t see his drinking as an issue. The friend he went to see is a heavy drinker too and i would say an alcoholic. He genuinely thinks everyone drinks like he does and im the odd one for not drinking really.

ok im setting myself the end of this week to have told the inlaws and deadline a date for him moving out

[Zanatdy]

I agree you need to tell his parents / brother as it’s a done deal. If you say you’re thinking about it chances are they will try and guilt trip you into staying. He’s clearly not capable about changing, he doesn’t see his drinking is a problem, but he must really know he’s got little control over it. If he genuinely didn’t want the relationship to end this would be a massive wake up call, he would have stopped drinking and would be in rehab / AA. He’s not doing any of these things, shows how little he values the relationship, or he doesn’t really believe you’ll go through with ending it. This is no life for you, ask him to leave asap if he’s got somewhere to go, no point dragging this out any longer, give him until the end of the week.

[pointythings]

@JoanCandy that was my late husband too. He would get really edgy if he didn't know where his next drink was coming from.

@Helen901 it should be a done deal, not an 'I am thinking about leaving' thing. But you know that, you're just not ready to admit it to yourself. Sympathy from me, it's tough.

[JoanCandy]

@Helen901 I was in this exact situation, for nigh on 16 years.
I'd tell myself that he wasn't a bad person, wasn't abusive, wasn't chasing other women etc but at the end of the day, he didn't care, only about where and when he was going to get his booze from.
He couldn't be relied upon to do anything towards our home / family life but he was as sharp as a knife when planning his drinking, as you've written here about your DH. We didn't go for days out in case he couldn't get a drink where we were going, I drove absolutely everywhere and he'd bring cans of cider or beer to have in the car for the journey, I could see his brain whirring almost, trying to work out whether he'd be able to start drinking early enough.
I did just the same as you have, our tenancy agreement was only in my name, same with bills etc. I was planning my escape for a long time, subconsciously.
You can't fight it, his addiction will always, always win. And don't compare notes with other couples and how much they do or don't drink, this is all about how it's impacting upon your life and what you find acceptable.
It will get to a point when he can't outrun the damage to his body any longer and he'll become ill - do you want to be his carer and watch him die from liver disease ? Do you want your kids to ?
There is no 'bad guy' in this scenario, don't worry about what other people will say, get him out and start living your peaceful life now.

[Helen901]

I know, i need to get on with this. Im going to talk to his parents but say it in a done deal it over vs thinking about ending it

[AnnieSnap]

@AttilaTheMeerkat

Al-anon as well does not specifically have a religious element to it.

It shouldn’t, but many groups have a heavy emphasis on God being the higher power and just pay lip service to ‘anything can be your higher power’.

[Summerof85]

Sorry there hasn't been any progress. Think maybe instead of asking him if he has any thoughts of moving out- tell him he is to move out ASAP.
Does he actually spend any quality time with you and the kids? Doesn't sound like it, seems to spend most of his time drinking or with his mates.
If his family ask why he's moved out, be honest with them. Maybe take photos of the cans/ bottles etc to show them if they don't believe you.
My mother spent her whole marriage nagging my dad about his drinking, didn't stop him.

[pointythings]

It is actually really hard to throw a bomb into your marriage and it took me a while to work up to it as well. But you do need to do it, preferably sooner rather than later.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Al-anon as well does not specifically have a religious element to it.