Husband and his drinking

[Helen901]

Hello, im not really sure what im asking but want some recognition that my situation is crap.

Husband (48) and his drinking. Hes a daily drinker anyway. He has a full time job. No issues there. Over the last week or two, hes drank daily more so than usual because hes been off work and its Christmas/NY. Id estimate around 20 units a day (today for example its been a bottle of wine and 4 strong beers).

he does not see a problem with his drinking but i think its just too much. Even in a normal week, i think he drinks too much (beer after work). He would say he doesnt have a problem as he isnt drinking spirits. I find it really boring as we dont do anything with the children. I mean i do take them out but i do a lot of things on my own with them, he does his own thing (usually involves mates and pubs). Already feel like a single parent in a lot of ways.

if i try to bring the subject up, he doesn’t want to discuss it, gets angry and agressive and makes me feel like im blowing it out of proportion.

am i? Do your other halves drink daily? I bet they dont Christmas or not.

im wondering about calling it a day

My sibling is an alcoholic - drink of choice is wine.
A friend calls alcoholism "slow suicide".

I was you. My husband was a functioning alcoholic, until he stopped functioning. I stayed for far too long - don't be me.

Alcohol killed him in the end, but a lot of seriously bad stuff happened over the years and yes, it badly affected the children.

Get out now.

As a child of two alcoholic parents, please don't put them through it. You and them deserve much better. If he doesn't accept he has a problem, there is no helping him. It's the most selfish disease and as a PP said it is basically a very slow suicide.

I grew up with a functioning alcoholic DF. It did me no good whatsoever and in the end it killed him in his early 50s. He was never sober but yet never really drunk either, he just drank cider all day long. He had jobs but would occasionally lose them for being caught drinking. My mum became an expert in finding him new work, taking care of me by herself while he lay on the sofa drinking, working all hours to fund my childhood and his habit.

It's no good for your children at all and in my experience he won't stop, only you can take them out of that situation.

He's drinking objectively far too much.

There are borderline cases on here where tweaking over time might work, but he needs to address this. If he doesn't want to, that leaves you with a decision. Good luck.

I think im done. I don't want another year of this. Just need to speak to him…sober

His not a family man is he

You probably need to leave him. 20 units a day is more than a heavy drinker. Both my parents died young (63 and 71) and both were alcoholics drinking around 140-200 units a week at different times. Your husband is in this category.

Ive just finished reading Codependent No More. Im shocked how i relate to many of the descriptions. I have work to do but i feel its given me hope.

what annoyed me today is he pleads poverty but still has money for drinks. Drinks in pub and from the shop. Came home with 4 large bottles of beer and a bottle of wine. Whilst my money goes on food 🤷🏻‍♀️

I really feel for you, it's a crap situation and nothing you can do about it.
My father has been a heavy drinker all of his life. He is 80 now and still drinks 6/8 beers, half a bottle of red and a scotch every single fucking day.
No amount of talking, begging, crying will ever stop him.
When I mentioned he will die from drinking, he said, good that's a good way to go 🤷‍♀️
There is nothing you can do OP.
Get out before it gets worse.

My DH drinks a similar amount. Seems to be daily. I just see the empty cans / bottles, next day. He’s already finished all of his Christmas gift whiskey.

Made a scene at my sister’s wedding recently due to whiskey drinking. I don’t drink at home. Occasional cocktail / pint when out. We don’t socialize together.

Along with that, its the glazed eyes, the argumentative attitude blowing up over anything small, slamming doors. I feel like im walking on egg shells sometimes 😩

I want to speak to him today to talk about splitting up. Im seeing this as the first conversation. Im not expecting him to leave today but im going to give him to the end of the month (or is that a bad idea- too long?). Im thinking he will move in with his brother initially. He lives alone, they get on and has room. We rent and the house is in my name. Trouble is, ive just got up early to meet a friend with the kids and hes gone out with a friend and i know he will have had at least two pints by the time he gets home (then go on to drink more 🙄). I just cant find the right (sober) time to approach this! I know if i raise this today, he will slam around the house in a bad mood, little jibes/put downs all whilst drinking more. Its going to be an awful atmosphere. There is just never a good time help!

OP I am reading your posts in tears because I could have written them myself.
I am in such a similar position and I don't know what to do.
How have things progressed for you? X

@Helen901 you have to be prepared for him to refuse to leave, and since you are married, he has as much right to be in the house as you do. The best thing you can do now is tell him coolly and calmly that you are divorcing him, then start the petition. Grey rock him afterwards, make sure you have all the key paperwork (passports, birth certificates, financial information, house deeds) and then keep your head down and get on with it. If he kicks off, you call the police and then get an occupation order - at that point he will have to leave the house, but you can't just get him out because you want to.

I can maybe see a difference.

An alcoholic has to drink due to a physical addiction. If they stop drinking, they become seriously ill and can die.

Somebody that's dependent upon alcohol feels reliant upon alcohol to 'help' them - e.g. anxiety, stress, etc.

DH drank at those levels in his twenties and barely touches a drop these days - the odd whisky, now and again, but didn't drink for around six months this year because he wasn't bothered. He has the odd binge drinking session now and again, but generally feels so rough the next day, that he only gets drunk once or twice a year.

Is it realistic to expect your husband to never drink again?

I guess it's all about impact. A bottle of wine a night, every night, will be impacting his health.

If he can't even stick to a dry week, after making commitments, he's definitely got a problem.

Do you think that he thinks you're nagging him about nothing?

I dated an alcoholic ten years ago, he was a “functional” one like yours was, I had to leave in the end. Does he even want to cut down?

No he doesnt want to cut down. He doesnt see his drinking as a problem unfortunately

If he's going to make the atmosphere awkward when you manage to have a conversation with him, then I wouldn't give him to the end of the month to move out. He can have a week, maybe two. Especially if he can go to his brother's.

A bottle of wine a night has a physical AND financial impact.
Am I nagging him ? No, I gave up on that years ago.

leave him, or get him to leave. I wish I had of years ago. Drink will always come before you or the children. Days out rushed or denied as he “needs” to get to the pub. Holidays ruined by over drinking because”I’m on holiday.” Weekends spent nervously awaiting keys in the door not knowing what state he’s in and if he wants a verbal argument with soul demoralising attacks on weight, hair, clothes, cooking, housekeeping and lol, parenting. Evenings and bank holidays being non starters for family time when there’s pubs to be drank in.
Leave and don’t look back only to congratulate yourself for having enough sense to make the escape.

Another one saying leave him. My DH stuck by me but that's because I was trying to get sober. Unless he actively acknowledges he's got a problem then it will only get worse.
My kids were young but it has affected them and they are scarred for life mentally by it. If your husband isn't going to battle against this disease then you cannot put your children through life with him.
I'm so sorry for you. I wish you all the best now and future.

Sorry OP, but the conversation you want to have can't happen in the circumstances you describe. He's never really sober and he will always get angry and defensive if you criticise the amount he is drinking because he needs to drink and drink will come first every time. He is clearly an alcoholic, and he isn't functioning well as either a husband or father, and is probably having issues at work too, which will become apparent sooner or later, when his alcohol consumption starts causing his cognitive ability to disintegrate, as it will. Make plans to leave. My DH died without me EVER being able to have that sober conversation I was so desperate to have, but at least I'd got the kids away before it got to that stage.

I rang the Police and told them that he was being aggressive and I was getting angry. They removed him to avoid a breach of the peace. Once he was out, he was out. It’s what made him think and go into rehab!

Days out rushed- yes absolutely recognise this. Can never just relax chill and enjoy, always rushing back home to settle in.

Our holiday last year was spent with him pissed every night, me taking the kids down the beach (too hot during the day) whilst he stayed in the apartment drinking. The one time he came down, he had to bring beers 🤦🏻‍♀️

personal attacks over my weight, not that im ever overweight!! Trying to turn the conversations back to me and my “issues”