Husband and his drinking

[Helen901]

Hello, im not really sure what im asking but want some recognition that my situation is crap.

Husband (48) and his drinking. Hes a daily drinker anyway. He has a full time job. No issues there. Over the last week or two, hes drank daily more so than usual because hes been off work and its Christmas/NY. Id estimate around 20 units a day (today for example its been a bottle of wine and 4 strong beers).

he does not see a problem with his drinking but i think its just too much. Even in a normal week, i think he drinks too much (beer after work). He would say he doesnt have a problem as he isnt drinking spirits. I find it really boring as we dont do anything with the children. I mean i do take them out but i do a lot of things on my own with them, he does his own thing (usually involves mates and pubs). Already feel like a single parent in a lot of ways.

if i try to bring the subject up, he doesn’t want to discuss it, gets angry and agressive and makes me feel like im blowing it out of proportion.

am i? Do your other halves drink daily? I bet they dont Christmas or not.

im wondering about calling it a day

[Helen901]

@Godlovesall26 I have suggested it before. I think in honesty it will be the fact he has to face the situation. He will be embarrassed hes moving there, embarrassing but likely down play that its about his drinking and more than likely blame me for some other reason as to why hes had to leave. He doesnt want to but he wouldnt have much choice. It would definitely be a wake up call for him. I suppose, even now, hes in a bubble. He wont have told anyone what ive said, hes hoping i will roll over and carry on. Ive not told anyone either to be fair.

so tonight, hes been pub for two pints and bought three large beer bottles home 🤦🏻‍♀️ clearly its not sunk in 🤷🏻‍♀️ or has it and he doesn’t care…

[emptythelitterbox]

Yes, far too much.

Isnt he concerned about the cost of it all?

[pointythings]

@Helen901 what is in his mind right now doesn't matter. The only important thing here is your decision, your plans and your future. This is what you need to keep in mind. This is where you take that first step towards detachment, and you do it by putting yourself and your children first, and him a distant second.

[Zanatdy]

It’s clear he’s not taking it seriously. After everything you’ve said he has been to the pub and bought more drink for home. He can’t stop drinking, he probably needs help to do that but it sounds like he doesn’t want that help or think he needs it. I’d end the relationship, this is never going to change is it?

[tribpot]

You've not told anyone about your plan to separate? Time to change that.

[Dottymug]

Nothing is going to happen until you make it happen. You need to get the ball rolling. Ask his brother if he will take him. If he won't move to plan B. What is going on your husband's mind isn't important, as his mind is consumed by a need for alcohol. He isn't able to think of you and the kids' needs at all. You need to do all the work here.

[Helen901]

I know in his head and if challenged he would justify tonights drinking as - well its Friday, hes been work all week and he can have a drink if he wants to 🫤

im going to tell someone tomorrow and if i do see his brother, I’ll mention it

[GettingStuffed]

My husband is a heavy drinker but he recently had a heart op (nothing to do with drinking) and couldn't drink after it so, as he hats all soft drinks, he bought some alcohol free beers which were quite nice and he's continued replacing some of his beers with these. Perhaps you could convince him to try these

[Helen901]

@GettingStuffed ive tried the alcohol free beers on him. I do generally buy them for a party or occasion as i dont really drink. He does like them he says, but of course would rather drink the real thing

@emptythelitterbox i know it’s ridiculous how much is spent on this. He’s terrible with money too 🤦🏻‍♀️

[Maytodecember]

And it’s amazing how similar all the drinkers are , from reading your thread.
I was married to an alcoholic , a functioning alcoholic who could fool a lot of people.
He was useless with money, eventually lost his business, a subsequent job and his property.
I’ve heard I’m not an alcoholic, I only drink at home ( him) and I’m not an alcoholic , I only go to the pub ( friend’s husband who realised she was leaving because of his drinking, got help and became a recovering ( teetotal) alcoholic.
My exh lied, put me in danger, attempted to kick the windscreen in while I was driving ( for no reason, no arguing, he just decided to do it) and on another occasion opened the car door while I was driving and leaned out.
He did cut back when I said we were separating, only cut back didn’t stop, but it then got a lot worse. His behaviour became disturbed, threatening, which was when I left.
Stand your ground but have an escape plan just in case your husband follows a similar pattern.

[CTR16783]

In a very similar situation here I'm afraid to say. He had cut down a lot in recent years but has gradually crept back up. We agreed 1 bottle a week as we just couldn't afford anymore & that worked for a few weeks but back just before Christmas he had a cold so of course the old "I need a hot toddy" excuse comes rolling out. In the space of just over a week he drank 3 yes 3 1L bottles of whisky as it helped 'his cold'
Then once that had gone there was "I fancy some cheese & biscuits" so off he went to the shop ( big supermarket) and apparently the only cheese they had left was in a gift type box with a bottle of red wine. Then of course we had Christmas. I've lost count of how much he's had since but I know he's had 3 bottles of wine since Wednesday. He tries to justify it as he's starting a new job (driving) on Monday so he has to make the most of it before then. I've tried to explain to him from a health point of view, cost point of view (we don't have hardly any spare money after bills etc) I've even been blunt as to say he will die early & every sip he takes is one sip closer to leaving the kids without a dad. He knows he has a problem and apparently has taken this driving job so he can't drink anymore but I just know the same old excuses will come out once he has a day off/ holiday. Oh its Tuesday, oh its pancake day, oh its so & so's birthday who lives 3 streets away, oh its my birthday in 6 months time, its my last day off till next week blah blah.
I read him some replies from this thread last night & apparently I should stop reading all the made up crap on mumsnet 🤦‍♀️
So sorry that was sooo long x

[Spanky123]

Divorce him straight away, today (will say most of mumsnet)!! The poor man needs help and his family should be there for him.

[Helen901]

@Spanky123 ive been trying to help the poor man for nigh on 15 years. All its done is cause arguments and in that time his drinking has increased with no helping himself eg AA or GP or even admitting he might have the slightest teeny tinyiest of issues with drinking. Its just relentless, when should i say no more then?? How much longer “in sickness & in health” should i put up with this in your opinion??

[VinoDino]

@Spanky123

Divorce him straight away, today (will say most of mumsnet)!! The poor man needs help and his family should be there for him.

Poor man indeed, who's done absolutely nothing to help himself. Never mind his poor wife who's put up with this shit for years, keeping the household, kids going etc etc.

So yeah, I personally would be bashing on with a divorce! You only get one life.

[Helen901]

Yes there is always an excuse for having a drink- i get, im eating curry so i need a beer with that, italian calls for a bottle of red, its Thursday so its the start of the weekend really, hes been work all week he can drink if he wants on his days off- hes an adult dont you know and im not his mum! Holidays are an excuse for non stop drinking, although he would say hes not an alchy as hes only drinking in the afternoon/evenings but if offered, would happily start lunch. Everyone drinks like him apparently and im the odd one for not really drinking. I barely drink but would perhaps have some twice a year. It doesn’t bother me and someone has to be in control for the kids.

last night, he ended up starting an argument with me (drunk and slurring) saying ive turned the kids against him, they would want to live with me vs him. Ive done nothing of the sort. Practically that is how it will be because i do school runs. Ive never put words into my childrens mouths, I wouldnt do that.

[pointythings]

I hope all this is giving you the strength to push on. It's likely that the kids will choose to live with you once they're of an age - because they see what their dad is like. Mine were 15 and 17 when he left and they went completely no contact. That was devastating for him, but in all honesty he had brough it on himself.

@Spanky123 please do enlighten us as to how long you think women like OP and me should put up with alcoholics who will do nothing to help themselves and won't even admit they have a problem? I did almost 7 years. OP has done 15. Criminals get lesser sentences than that.

[Shookethtothecore]

hello-
i don’t mean to hijack here but I am in a similar situation.
I think we are separating and I’m scared because now he will have the children without me.
how did others do this? How have you made sure he isn’t drinking when the children are in their care without you

[pointythings]

@Shookethtothecore you can't, I'm afraid. All you can do is monitor the situation and act/report. However, it is unlikely that he will want the children frequently, because they will interfere with his need to drink. How old are they?

[userxx]

@Adviceneeded200

No. My husband will drink a bottle of wine on his own - apparently it goes off? But not if he's driving next day. So that rules out nights with work next day and if we are going anywhere.

He's probably drunk like this 4 times in 10 day holiday. Once back to work, one night a week maximum

It absolutely does not go off overnight. I can get 3 or 4 nights out of a bottle of red.

[Shookethtothecore]

They are 10,6 and 3

he is very much (in my opinion) a functioning alcoholic who doesn’t see the issue with his drinking but I also hate that me kids are around drink and pubs so frequently.

[pointythings]

@Shookethtothecore the oldest will already be listened to if they don't want contact with their dad. The younger two will have to wait a while. Do you think he would threaten you with 50/50 if you left him? They often do, but then don't follow through. And if they are addicted they are more likely to prioritise their drinking time.

[Shookethtothecore]

I think he knows he wouldn’t get 50/50

he’s threatening with all sorts but what he can do is another story.

I am trying to make this as amicable as possible but it’s not easy.

[pointythings]

@Shookethtothecore it won't be amicable because your leaving is confronting him with the consequences of his behaviour. Addicts don't like that, it clashes with their world view where they are the victim and it's everyone else who has the problem. I mean, my divorce started off amicable and then spiralled, ending with a police intervention. But the end result was so worth it. Stay strong, see it through. You're saving your children from a lifetime of disaster. Children of alcoholics are more likely to be alcoholics themselves and have a host of other problems. You're doing the right thing.

[Shookethtothecore]

Thank you. I really need to hear that today

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Shookethtothecore

Continue with your plans to separate and see it through to divorcing him. Some waivering is normal but be steely in your resolve to get away from your alcoholic altogether.

His primary relationship is with drink, its not with you or the kids and its never been with you people either.

Alcoholism is called the "family disease" for good reason as you are all affected by the alcoholic. Do not make this life mainly consisting his drinking the cornerstone of your kids childhoods. BTW did you yourself grow up seeing such a parent?