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Original poster

Husband and his drinking

215 replies

Helen901 · 01/01/2023 21:24

Hello, im not really sure what im asking but want some recognition that my situation is crap.

Husband (48) and his drinking. Hes a daily drinker anyway. He has a full time job. No issues there. Over the last week or two, hes drank daily more so than usual because hes been off work and its Christmas/NY. Id estimate around 20 units a day (today for example its been a bottle of wine and 4 strong beers).

he does not see a problem with his drinking but i think its just too much. Even in a normal week, i think he drinks too much (beer after work). He would say he doesnt have a problem as he isnt drinking spirits. I find it really boring as we dont do anything with the children. I mean i do take them out but i do a lot of things on my own with them, he does his own thing (usually involves mates and pubs). Already feel like a single parent in a lot of ways.

if i try to bring the subject up, he doesn’t want to discuss it, gets angry and agressive and makes me feel like im blowing it out of proportion.

am i? Do your other halves drink daily? I bet they dont Christmas or not.

im wondering about calling it a day

OP posts:
Original poster
Helen901 · 14/01/2023 11:22

Sad to think there are so many of us living this life 😞

OP posts:
pointythings · 14/01/2023 11:46

Join those of us who have escaped this life. You can do it!

ChristmasJumpers · 14/01/2023 11:54

CTR16783 · 14/01/2023 08:27

In a very similar situation here I'm afraid to say. He had cut down a lot in recent years but has gradually crept back up. We agreed 1 bottle a week as we just couldn't afford anymore & that worked for a few weeks but back just before Christmas he had a cold so of course the old "I need a hot toddy" excuse comes rolling out. In the space of just over a week he drank 3 yes 3 1L bottles of whisky as it helped 'his cold'
Then once that had gone there was "I fancy some cheese & biscuits" so off he went to the shop ( big supermarket) and apparently the only cheese they had left was in a gift type box with a bottle of red wine. Then of course we had Christmas. I've lost count of how much he's had since but I know he's had 3 bottles of wine since Wednesday. He tries to justify it as he's starting a new job (driving) on Monday so he has to make the most of it before then. I've tried to explain to him from a health point of view, cost point of view (we don't have hardly any spare money after bills etc) I've even been blunt as to say he will die early & every sip he takes is one sip closer to leaving the kids without a dad. He knows he has a problem and apparently has taken this driving job so he can't drink anymore but I just know the same old excuses will come out once he has a day off/ holiday. Oh its Tuesday, oh its pancake day, oh its so & so's birthday who lives 3 streets away, oh its my birthday in 6 months time, its my last day off till next week blah blah.
I read him some replies from this thread last night & apparently I should stop reading all the made up crap on mumsnet 🤦‍♀️
So sorry that was sooo long x

Wow, reading this you could have been talking about my dad. Me and my mum joke about how it was always "oh I'm celebrating a good day", "oh I've had a bad day I need a drink", "it's my, your, the cats birthday/easter/christmas/the weekend" etc.
There's always a reason the drink and the reasons not to (money, partner, children, work, safety) are ignored

FootDown2022 · 14/01/2023 12:32

Alcoholics never take responsibility. My exH wants us to reconcile. He's started counselling but he wants me to accept 50% responsibility for his drinking and go to counselling myself. I caused his drinking by my anxiety (not letting him drink and drive), my nagging (being fed up of him hungover every single weekend) and by not making him feel wanted at home (reading and going to Pilates in the evenings instead of drinking with him).

pointythings · 14/01/2023 14:39

@FootDown2022 I hope your response to him consisted of two words, the second being 'off'.

FootDown2022 · 14/01/2023 14:55

I am thinking of booking some counselling sessions, but not for the reasons he thinks. I made excuses for his behaviour for years and years and put phenomenal effort into keeping our lives running smoothly. I feel very guilty about him being miserable now so I think I need help with letting go of the guilt and getting on with my own solo life.

pointythings · 14/01/2023 15:07

I had counselling too, alongside attending my support group (the one I'm now a co-facilitator for). It's incredibly valuable to support your emotional detachment from your relationship, manage your feelings of guilt and learn to prioritise yourself. Absolutely go for it. Meanwhile, not your circus, not your monkeys.

FootDown2022 · 14/01/2023 15:31

I would love to find a local support group. I tried Al Anon but I'm in Ireland and the demographic was older and very Catholic. It was all about acceptance and spirituality. It was basically Mass. There doesn't seem to be anything else.

pointythings · 14/01/2023 15:39

There isn't a structure, is there? And Al-Anon isn't for me either. Our group started out as an adjunct to the rehab my husband attended - it was open ended for relatives. Then the rehab closed but the group decided to keep itself going, we got some funding for a while and then got offered a venue in a local church because one of our members attends. But we aren't at all religiously affiliated and we work more along SMART lines than Al-Anon lines. It really is a postcode lottery.

tribpot · 14/01/2023 15:53

Is it worth looking at online Al Anon groups where you might have a better choice of atmosphere? Alcohol Change has got a list of other options (UK based) - I couldn't find so many options for Ireland.

CTR16783 · 14/01/2023 16:07

@ChristmasJumpers I'm so sorry you've been in a similar position

page1of4 · 14/01/2023 16:52

I found the problem with a guy like this is they never do any one thing that's a deal breaker. My husband never cheated, never hit me, the two things he knew would tip me over. On any one day their shitty behavior chips away at your soul, and as I'm finding now, your kids too. You're always left weighing up whether the sugar is outweighing the shit enough to make you leave. Smell the shit, forget the sugar and LTB. I'm a year down the line, my daughter is really struggling from the damage he's caused her by treating her badly (never on any occasion SO badly I'd immediately say LTB) but take it from me, the damage is growing like a cancer through your family. My only regret is not leaving him much sooner.

AnnieSnap · 14/01/2023 17:21

FootDown2022 · 14/01/2023 15:31

I would love to find a local support group. I tried Al Anon but I'm in Ireland and the demographic was older and very Catholic. It was all about acceptance and spirituality. It was basically Mass. There doesn't seem to be anything else.

I’m in Northern England. I found the Al Anon book ‘The Courage to Change’ extremely good and very helpful, both for coping with my alcoholic and for a more mindful way of managing other issues in life too. I stopped attending the meetings after a few though, as nearly every member banged on about God far too much for me and obviously disapproved of my atheist take on things (although they repeated the mantra unconvincingly that “it’s not necessary to believe in God”.

Interestingly, AA seem to have hugely moved on from the God Bothering. This is based on my experience of attending a few (different) open AA meetings and my husbands accounts of attending them. Al Anon seem to be clinging on to having God guiding them though.

Original poster
Helen901 · 14/01/2023 17:25

@page1of4 i get what your saying. My husband, for all his faults has never cheated, hit me, done anything massive. Its soul destroying all the little things, another nail in the coffin..

OP posts:
tribpot · 14/01/2023 17:43

I'm not sure why my post has been hidden, it had some links to some alternatives to Al Anon.

Redruby2020 · 14/01/2023 17:49

Adviceneeded200 · 01/01/2023 21:27

No. My husband will drink a bottle of wine on his own - apparently it goes off? But not if he's driving next day. So that rules out nights with work next day and if we are going anywhere.

He's probably drunk like this 4 times in 10 day holiday. Once back to work, one night a week maximum

Do you mean 4 times like ever, or 4 times within a ten day holiday? As that would be a lot.

Redruby2020 · 14/01/2023 17:52

lking679 · 01/01/2023 22:03

My Dad drinks this amount and we basically see him as a functioning alcoholic.
my brother drunk this amount but every night in the pub because he didn’t want to drink in the home… and basically became an absent father instead. He now goes to AA and has stopped drinking (mostly! :s).
Dad won’t stop but always did days out with us and doesn’t even seem drunk after 6 cabs of Guinness!

its too much. If the issue isn’t so much the drinking but what it means he misses out on us start there so he doesn’t get as defensive and ask him to do more with the kids!

When tolerance increases that is why someone not only needs more and more, but can drink more and more and it doesn't show as much.

Felicity42 · 14/01/2023 18:35

Read a few of these stories from adult children of alcoholic parents.
You might think your kids aren't affected but in reality they have eyes and ears.

alcoholireland.ie/shared-voices/mary/

pointythings · 14/01/2023 18:44

@tribpot it's because of a gremlin in the MN algorithm, which assumes that anything labeled dot org (notice me typing it out in full!) is someone doing illegal fundraisers or some such. If you report your own post to MNHQ, they'll get an actual human to look at it and it will be reinstated. I've fallen foul of this beast several times and sometimes it eats the original post, so you have to redo it.

tribpot · 14/01/2023 18:47

Thanks @pointythings

DetoxedAlcoholic · 14/01/2023 19:04

FootDown2022 · 14/01/2023 12:32

Alcoholics never take responsibility. My exH wants us to reconcile. He's started counselling but he wants me to accept 50% responsibility for his drinking and go to counselling myself. I caused his drinking by my anxiety (not letting him drink and drive), my nagging (being fed up of him hungover every single weekend) and by not making him feel wanted at home (reading and going to Pilates in the evenings instead of drinking with him).

I don't want to derail but this is not always the case. I have never blamed anyone else for my alcoholism and most alcoholics I know would not do so. Perhaps that's why we've recovered.

OP I am so pleased you're not letting him get away with this new drinking now. You need him to move out, you know it and you're being so strong.

pointythings · 14/01/2023 19:06

@DetoxedAlcoholic I think you've hit the nail on the head - if you take responsibility, your chances of recovery are much, much better. Huge kudos to you for doing it. There's always hope, but as the people who have to live with the alcoholic we have to think of ourselves and our children first.

Dogs4Ever · 14/01/2023 19:13

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

FootDown2022 · 14/01/2023 19:44

I didn't mean to offend by saying "all alcoholics". I hoped against hope for years that my exH would quit drinking and now am in the stage of having to come to terms with the fact that an alcoholic who isn't accepting responsibility for his drinking in highly unlikely to change.

DetoxedAlcoholic · 14/01/2023 19:58

FootDown2022 · 14/01/2023 19:44

I didn't mean to offend by saying "all alcoholics". I hoped against hope for years that my exH would quit drinking and now am in the stage of having to come to terms with the fact that an alcoholic who isn't accepting responsibility for his drinking in highly unlikely to change.

You're very right, alcoholism is not caused by another person! I'm so sorry you went through that and are still going through it. I hate what I put people through and yes, it is a disease and at some points you cannot do anything against it, BUT a recovered alcoholic takes full responsibility.