Husband and his drinking

[Helen901]

Hello, im not really sure what im asking but want some recognition that my situation is crap.

Husband (48) and his drinking. Hes a daily drinker anyway. He has a full time job. No issues there. Over the last week or two, hes drank daily more so than usual because hes been off work and its Christmas/NY. Id estimate around 20 units a day (today for example its been a bottle of wine and 4 strong beers).

he does not see a problem with his drinking but i think its just too much. Even in a normal week, i think he drinks too much (beer after work). He would say he doesnt have a problem as he isnt drinking spirits. I find it really boring as we dont do anything with the children. I mean i do take them out but i do a lot of things on my own with them, he does his own thing (usually involves mates and pubs). Already feel like a single parent in a lot of ways.

if i try to bring the subject up, he doesn’t want to discuss it, gets angry and agressive and makes me feel like im blowing it out of proportion.

am i? Do your other halves drink daily? I bet they dont Christmas or not.

im wondering about calling it a day

I would strongly suggest contacting woman’s aid just so you know your rights etc xx

He's not going to change !

I know he’s not going to change. I know im silly for counting. I guess im just justifying my decision in my own head. I have listened in on Al Anon calls previously @pointythings but i just dont get it. Its not for me

@Helen901 AlAnon isn't for me either. Have you tried SMART Family&Friends? It completly lacks the religious element. It may also be worthwhile contacting your local council/branch of MIND/Branch of Turning Point to see whether there are non-affiliated groups in your area. Ours is non-affiliated and we get referrals from them all the time.

Helen

You only need to give your own self permission to leave.

@Helen901 you're not silly for counting. We all did it. We've all been there.

In answer to one poster, yes alcoholics can and do recover but it’s usually a long and rocky road. In the case affecting my family it involved in patient rehab followed by support meetings, counselling etc. absolutely it can happen but there were a lot of false starts (and lies and heart ache) first. There are lots of former alcoholics out there but they have to want it for themselves. They can’t do it for anyone else

Al Anon wasn’t for me either. I found womens aid great. It doesn’t have to be physical abuse to be abuse. And counselling for me

There is a local SMART meeting nearby, ill have to join via zoom tho when i work at home that day as its during the day so cant be there in person.

nothing new to report. Hes just stopped drinking mon-weds each week. Announced that two weekends on the trot coming up, hes out with mates (means drinking free rein). He thinks im going to just carry on and continue like before

The Mon-Wed thing sounds like just another empty promise. Your focus is still on him. What his plans are for the weekend...the lies he's telling you and himself. Focus on you. What can you do, that doesn't rely on him changing, to make your life better?

He can do whatever he likes from his brother’s. He can have at it. He just has to go. And you get the ball rolling on paperwork. Grey rock him, be calm, polite but get on with it. If you want him to change (which he likely won’t), you have to change what you’re doing too.

I really feel for you OP. I've been there with a parent growing up. I remember feeling so upset and angry at the constant denial that they drank too much. That it was me with the problem. The times I caught them secretly drinking in the kitchen and hiding the glass. I've then experienced it again with one of my in-laws. It's a cruel situation for those of us who try to support but are ultimately powerless to change the other person's choices. Like you, I went to an Al-Anon session and it wasn't for me.

I think from your posts (sorry if I'm wrong) it looks like you've told your DH the relationship is over. But what actions are telling him this? Does he have a date by which to find somewhere else to live? Have any discussions around how parenting will look from a practical side? Have you contacted a solicitor to get a sense of the road ahead? Just some ideas there, but I guess I can see what might be making it a bit easier for him to act as if nothing has changed? And for you as well. I hope you're able to see this through with support, as sadly it's unlikely he will change. As his behaviour has shown you in the past and he's still showing you now. He's going to have to face that his narrative of not having a drinking problem doesn't fit very well with it ultimately costing him the marriage as he prioritised drinking over it.

Sorry I haven’t read all the posts except your updates, and yes, I would speak to his parents and brother. Maybe test their reactions slowly (protect yourself), as in if they’re in denial just say a break living with you could help bc it’s really taking a toll on the kids ( really do détail that part ; I know it sounds horrible but if their reaction is ambiguous I wouldn’t mention yourself too much, the kids +++)
If you manage to get him out, it’s harder for him to get back in.
Im unsure of implications of SS for you if you declared it, you have tried with the best intentions, but it’s been going on for a while ? Maybe a solicitor appt for this aspect ?

Hello, update
i had the talk again on Saturday afternoon. He acted surprised again, i asked if hed had any thoughts on moving out etc? He went really mardy and said he was going out to a friends house, who had asked him over, and he stayed overnight, so he could have a drink.

i did see his parents/brother end of last week but kinda chickened out about telling them the situation. Its almost like i know its going to be a world of shit, opening up a massive bomb and im shying away from it. What is wrong with me?!

Anyway, i don’t believe he said anything about us to this mate but had drowned his sorrows instead. Hes still drinking today… 🤦🏻‍♀️ send me strength to make some progress this week 🙏

Alcoholism thrives on secrecy and you really do need to talk.

It probably would feel more real to you if you told someone like his parents but they may not be helpful as they likely know and may be glad that he is off their hands/not their problem currently. They will in all likelihood feel more loyal to him going forward rather than you and your children.

Your fear of the unknown and your codependency issues are holding you back and until you get a handle on these you will keep going around in circles with him. Please stop with talking to him his drinking as it’s a waste of energy. That’s the second conversation you’ve had with him re this and it’s got you nowhere.

The longer this goes on, the worse it will be for you and in turn your kids who are after all seeing all this at first hand.

Al-anon as well does not specifically have a religious element to it.

It is actually really hard to throw a bomb into your marriage and it took me a while to work up to it as well. But you do need to do it, preferably sooner rather than later.

Sorry there hasn't been any progress. Think maybe instead of asking him if he has any thoughts of moving out- tell him he is to move out ASAP.

Does he actually spend any quality time with you and the kids? Doesn't sound like it, seems to spend most of his time drinking or with his mates.
If his family ask why he's moved out, be honest with them. Maybe take photos of the cans/ bottles etc to show them if they don't believe you.
My mother spent her whole marriage nagging my dad about his drinking, didn't stop him.

It shouldn’t, but many groups have a heavy emphasis on God being the higher power and just pay lip service to ‘anything can be your higher power’.

I know, i need to get on with this. Im going to talk to his parents but say it in a done deal it over vs thinking about ending it

@Helen901 I was in this exact situation, for nigh on 16 years.
I'd tell myself that he wasn't a bad person, wasn't abusive, wasn't chasing other women etc but at the end of the day, he didn't care, only about where and when he was going to get his booze from.
He couldn't be relied upon to do anything towards our home / family life but he was as sharp as a knife when planning his drinking, as you've written here about your DH. We didn't go for days out in case he couldn't get a drink where we were going, I drove absolutely everywhere and he'd bring cans of cider or beer to have in the car for the journey, I could see his brain whirring almost, trying to work out whether he'd be able to start drinking early enough.
I did just the same as you have, our tenancy agreement was only in my name, same with bills etc. I was planning my escape for a long time, subconsciously.
You can't fight it, his addiction will always, always win. And don't compare notes with other couples and how much they do or don't drink, this is all about how it's impacting upon your life and what you find acceptable.
It will get to a point when he can't outrun the damage to his body any longer and he'll become ill - do you want to be his carer and watch him die from liver disease ? Do you want your kids to ?
There is no 'bad guy' in this scenario, don't worry about what other people will say, get him out and start living your peaceful life now.

@JoanCandy that was my late husband too. He would get really edgy if he didn't know where his next drink was coming from.

@Helen901 it should be a done deal, not an 'I am thinking about leaving' thing. But you know that, you're just not ready to admit it to yourself. Sympathy from me, it's tough.

I agree you need to tell his parents / brother as it’s a done deal. If you say you’re thinking about it chances are they will try and guilt trip you into staying. He’s clearly not capable about changing, he doesn’t see his drinking is a problem, but he must really know he’s got little control over it. If he genuinely didn’t want the relationship to end this would be a massive wake up call, he would have stopped drinking and would be in rehab / AA. He’s not doing any of these things, shows how little he values the relationship, or he doesn’t really believe you’ll go through with ending it. This is no life for you, ask him to leave asap if he’s got somewhere to go, no point dragging this out any longer, give him until the end of the week.

He really doesn’t see his drinking as an issue. The friend he went to see is a heavy drinker too and i would say an alcoholic. He genuinely thinks everyone drinks like he does and im the odd one for not drinking really.

ok im setting myself the end of this week to have told the inlaws and deadline a date for him moving out

OP, I know how hard this is, but you need to get your head round the fact he is isn't thinking logically any more and that any discussion is pointless. If he could think straight, he'd see he had a massive problem and you're not the odd-one-out, but he can't, and he will twist sense out of shape in his efforts to convince himself and you that this is okay. All his brain can focus on is his need for drink. Unless you tell him he must leave, pack his bags and show him to the door, nothing will change. Tell his parents if you feel you must, but don't rely on their support. If his brother can provide practical help, then tell him. However, your own family and friends are much more likely to give you emotional support than his family members.