Dating when you’re not attractive

[TwentysixV]

I’ve always been single, never been asked out/very rarely get attention from men (and if I do it’s ones I just don’t find attractive). I’m just not very attractive. I’m a healthy weight, dress well and have ok teeth and hair so I don’t think I can improve my appearance. How did you find a partner if you’re not attractive? All my other single friends have men asking them out/showing interest without them even having to do anything and I never get any interest in real life. I don’t get many messages/matches on dating apps either and if I do they are from men I just don’t fancy at all (I know that’s shallow but I don’t see the point of dating a man I’m not attracted to). I don’t ever ask guys out either, but I feel like if they were interested they would ask me out/make a move and it would be clear they liked me. Anyone else relate, or gone from not getting any interest to being in a happy relationship with someone they are attracted to?

Isnt that just the incel theory of Chads and Staceys?
Women who can be picky are not going to hang around competing with each other for good looking men who are going to hop from woman to woman. If they want a relationship they're going to go for good looking men or decent average looking men, who want that too.
If an average or unattractive man wants a relationship he needs to broaden his search to include women who don't necessarily fit his fantasy, and at the same time develop aspects of his character that make him a good prospect. He'll not improve his chances blaming picky women and good looking men for his lack of success.

@mercurian i guess you might be right. But a Toned body requires work but it's not something you're born with.

I hope OP gives some of those men a chance and photos can be misleading

@heartbroken40 definitely agree with you on photos being misleading.

@TwentysixV I don't have a particularly attractive face (or so I'm told.) At the minute I have a pic up that's just my face. I found when I have one that showed that I've got an ok figure (even just shoulders so they can see I'm not overweight) then I get much more interest on the apps.

IDK how old you are but with your friends who get regularly approached by men- that goes. I've seen a young friend of mine (32) within the last year she's stopped getting the amount of men approaching her while we're out as she used to get.

And nothing can make up for a bad name/history that brings up red flags. She lost custody of her son and is not allowed around children now (due to an abusive relationship/pending charges of delaying getting medical attention) and stuff like that. Stuff seems to happen to her all the time, fights with different people etc (in which she always claims to be the innocent victim but there's a lot of 'I accidentally nudged them.') Because of this sort of thing and maybe her own childhood conditioning, only the dodgiest of men are interested for long.

No, it's not the incel theory - although it's probably what makes the dreadful incel theory plausable enough for people to fall for it.

The dating apps measure these things. I suggest you listen to the programme before you dismiss it out of hand as it's quite scholarly.

In summary, these things are measurable because of dating apps. They show that a small number of men have interest shown by a much larger group of women, and also that most men have little interest from women at all. It's not just a matter of that latter group needing to lower their expectations: the data disproves this.

This doesn't mean that women are under less pressure than men wrt their appearance, but I think it does show that it's not just a matter of men scrubbing up well to get a date.

My own very handsome conventionally good looking Bil married a woman who resembles someone in transition. That is not being nasty, lots and lots of people have remarked on the looks gap between the two. The woman in question is very jealous and does not want him to mix with any friends or family without her presence. I expect this stems from her insecurities, she must question everyday what a man like him sees in her.

Personally I would rather be single than have that hanging over my head everyday. Anything has to be better than knowing everyone is questioning why someone is with someone so unattractive and that person they are talking about is you. I think if she was a nice person we would have seen past that by now, but because of her possessivness of Bil, we all just question all the more his bad choices.

rarely get attention from men (and if I do it’s ones I just don’t find attractive)

This is probably the same on the other foot. I'd expand my social network- join a hobby, sport or something to meet new people and you might find you are more attracted to people once you know them a bit.

Hardly surprising she feels insecure if 'lots of people have remarked' on the difference in attractiveness. I suspect as well there are some behaviours of his she finds fuels it. Very weird to say you'd have seen past her appearance by now if she was nice- I suspect there's been some subconsciously poor treatment towards her by those who don't deem her worthy, ew.

I think you’re probably way more attractive than you think you. But the most attractive thing is confidence. I also think it’s great you’re not settling for men that don’t do much for you, which many beautiful women do due to lack of confidence.

I would suggest you play around with some new make up techniques (you tube) and work out what look makes you feel most confident.

the most attractive thing is confidence

Maybe for a while/initial attraction. But a big heart can go a long way and mean someone who's not 'a looker' can marry even a very physically attractive man.

I heard someone argue once that Lizzo's alleged confidence means men will find her attractive. Nope, not for men with mainstream tastes.

But many more men will find her attractive than if she spent her time lamenting how unattractive she was.

It's never about trying to appeal to all men, unless you're in a really crap headspace. Nobody needs to appeal to everybody.

I have also noticed a large percentage of foreign men, mainly Turkish/Arab, when dating a British woman always seem to go for blonde hair first, and anything after that is quite irrelevant, they don't seem to care about the unattractive face or the tubby figure, blonde hair matters above all, and a lot of these men are not too unattractive in the slightest, some are bordering on handsome.

I think that's quite offensive actually.

This

I don't expect that I'll get many agreeing with me, but I gave up. I was only getting interest from men significantly older than me (in their late 50s and into their 60s when I was 40) and I don't really find men of that age attractive. As a not-attractive woman, you get told that it's hypocritical to not want to date not-attractive men, but I think that implies you're supposed to be grateful to get any attention at all, and that's not an especially healthy attitude to go into dating with in my view. I made the decision several years ago that I wasn't going to put myself in a situation where I had to accept myself as being worth less than others because of the way I look, and tbh I really don't miss it.

@ICriedAllTheWayToTheChipShop So are you resigned to celibacy? I get what you mean, when I was younger I always used to date older. But now I'm mid 40s I'm not going to date anyone over 50. This is due to their conventional attractiveness decreasing with age (for most people) and also as they have a higher chance of having ED. I also have spent most of my life caring for someone with health problems, so a break from that would be nice.

I pray you still find someone you find attractive and like, if that's what you'd ideally want. x

I don't expect that I'll get many agreeing with me, but I gave up. I was only getting interest from men significantly older than me (in their late 50s and into their 60s when I was 40) and I don't really find men of that age attractive. As a not-attractive woman, you get told that it's hypocritical to not want to date not-attractive men, but I think that implies you're supposed to be grateful to get any attention at all, and that's not an especially healthy attitude to go into dating with in my view. I made the decision several years ago that I wasn't going to put myself in a situation where I had to accept myself as being worth less than others because of the way I look, and tbh I really don't miss it.

I don't blame you. I don't disagree with you and I think that's different than just looks. I wouldn't be interested in dating anyone 20 years older either (that's too close to my father's age) and if that was all that was on offer then I'd have given up too.

I also hope you find someone your own age if that's still what you want.

Op, I'm attractive but I still don't get any decent matches on online dating. Neither do my friends. They always seem in their late 50s (I'm early 40s) or wanting casual. There doesn't seem an in-between. I think you just have to get on with your life or you'll never feel quite enough. You actually are enough. That's what I learnt. Some of us aren't crazily picky, just wanting someone kind and vaguely attractive to us, but it's still not happening! So I gave up.

You’ve contradicted yourself there.

I have to say I totally disagree with this. Ugly men hold out for beautiful women all the time, and they get them.

now OP I very much doubt your ugly, just lack confidence. You don’t ever have to ‘settle’.

I would say that's because most women don't value looks in a man as much as men value looks in a woman. That's not to say women aren't attracted to good looks but I would say most would rather an intelligent, funny, kind, dependable, RICH man over a handsome one with a flat personality, no money or ambition. I think men could and do overlook so much if the woman is physically attractive but I don't think most women would do this when selecting a male partner. So it's not an equivalent comparison IMO. The sexes prioritise traits differently.
I also think that it's more likely an attractive woman doesn't know her true attractiveness and has low confidence than an attractive man because we women are held to far more stringent beauty standards than men and we are constantly bombarded about our weight and age.

I just can't believe anyone who is a healthy weight wiht nice hair and teeth is unattractive. That is almost the definition of attractive. If you aren't attracting people, it could be because you don't feel attractive, which isn't the same as being unattractive. Practise confident posture, standing tall, shoulders back, smiling and making eye contact in a natural and easy going way. Maybe start wearing one item of clothing each day that is a bit more flamboyantly stylish than you'd normally wear. Something eye catching in a tactile fabric, that reveals an aspect of your personality - a bit arty or sporty or gamer etc - and is designed to attract the right sort of man. Depending on what sort of person you are and who you hope to attract, that could be anything from silver Doc Martins to an elegant emerald silk shirt.

Do they? Because I see loads of them on Reddit whining about how women are so stuck up and they can’t get ‘a ten’ even though they are certainly not a ten themselves. I think generally if you think you are not very attractive, but you only want to date quite attractive people, you’ll struggle more.

All the time!!! The problem with them men is they are losers with no confidence, not that their ugly!

I think generally if you think you are not very attractive, but you only want to date quite attractive people, you’ll struggle more.

This is true. I have a friend who was complaining bitterly that men couldn't see beyond her size. I asked her if she would date an obese man and she said, 'No of course not! I just don't find that attractive physically.' She's obese herself and it took her a while to even recognise her own double standards.