Dating when you’re not attractive

[TwentysixV]

I’ve always been single, never been asked out/very rarely get attention from men (and if I do it’s ones I just don’t find attractive). I’m just not very attractive. I’m a healthy weight, dress well and have ok teeth and hair so I don’t think I can improve my appearance. How did you find a partner if you’re not attractive? All my other single friends have men asking them out/showing interest without them even having to do anything and I never get any interest in real life. I don’t get many messages/matches on dating apps either and if I do they are from men I just don’t fancy at all (I know that’s shallow but I don’t see the point of dating a man I’m not attracted to). I don’t ever ask guys out either, but I feel like if they were interested they would ask me out/make a move and it would be clear they liked me. Anyone else relate, or gone from not getting any interest to being in a happy relationship with someone they are attracted to?

I often see very handsome conventionally good looking men, with plump, frumpy, plain, unkept women. Explain that one? I cannot be the only one to have noticed this.

I often see very handsome conventionally good looking men, with plump, frumpy, plain, unkept women. Explain that one? I cannot be the only one to have noticed this.

I have never seen this. Me and DH were talking about this the other day I was commenting you often see less attractive men with very attractive women but never the other way round.

Maybe they weren’t written by a second rate male author… I ran a comb through my hair, put a slick of lipstick on, and threw on a black figure hugging dress… I was beautiful but in an effortless way.

You sound a bit sad if this is genuinely how you think, and to me that type of judgemental attitude would come much worse in a potential partner than an ill fitting jumper. I’d rather have a laugh with someone in a ‘frumpy’ denim skirt than be standing with you in your slick of lipstick and figure hugging dress taking down notes of how frumpy everyone else is. Plus the attitude that you don’t know how they’re married is so sad. It’s like you think that’s the only worth you could have. Well she’s frumpy and plain and doesn’t wear makeup to kids’ parties, what would a husband/wife ever see in her?

I’ve definitely noticed better looking men with frumpy women, I always assumed it’s because men pretty much don’t change except look a bit older. For me - pre kids I looked alright, looked after myself, slim, highlights, make up etc etc. now I look frumpy but poor dh is stuck with me. I see it quite often on the school run.

I can't explain why you see that I'm afraid.
If pushed I'd say you are looking at the women with a more critical eye than you are the men. The standards women are held to are generally so much higher.

Of course they change. They go bald, get flabby, jowly and wrinkly. You must have noticed that surely? Pehaps the school run dads just haven't got there yet. If what you say is true about yourself the things you're referring to, highlights, make up and so on are superficial grooming, and about time and priority, not fixed characteristics that mean you are less attractive than him.

Confidence!

I think the key is that you first need to find yourself attractive to some extent .. that then rubs off on other people and they also find you attractive.

Oh yes, it’s definitely Boris Johnson’s ‘charisma’ that makes him attractive to women 🙄

You just date somebody else who isn’t attractive don’t you?

Snort 😂

I never really believed the ’it’s also about personality, not only about looks’, but I just started to believe.
Is this really how you talk about women?

So you aren’t attractive but you won’t don’t men who are also unattractive? Maybe these guys you find unattractive are, like you, good people once you get to know them?

Are you smiling in your photos? Are there photos of you doing stuff like on nights out or doing activities? Do you have any friends you could ask to give your profile a once over?

Honestly if you're a decent weight with good teeth and all that then it's purely about photos and profile appearing approachable and relatable.

There's a general assumption in posts like this that there is one version of what 'attractive' means. There isn't. One person can find a person attractive, and another person might find the same person unattractive. There's people who think Brad Pitt is ugly. There are people who fancy Jacob Rees-Mogg. Unless you want lots of people to be attracted to you, much of this thread is irrelevant.

All this talk of "more attractive" and "less attractive" is just a little too much like the rating of women as "9s" or "3s" or whatever in the manosphere.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and the form it takes varies from one individual to another.

Even average might be out of reach for you though (I’m not being mean just taking what you’ve said seriously). Have you tried dating men you don’t find that attractive but seem funny/kind and seeing what happens?

Even average might be out of reach for you though

Would you say this to someone who'd been disfigured in an accident? How do you think people in that position end up with partners you'd consider 'attractive'? Or does that not happen, in your view @Cuppasoupmonster ?

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4544647-would-you-go-out-with-a-short-man?page=1

Consensus: no.

I doubt you’re unattractive. Have you got a fab career? I’ve heard that women in high earning careers often struggle with dating sites as men are intimidated.

I think that's a falsehood women like to tell themselves.

You may not be a supermodel but I think you’re being hard on yourself. Most people aren’t supermodels.
The fact that you seem a little inwardly focused in a negative way may be what’s actually preventing you from looking outwards and connecting with people. Are you busy and active in the world? Are you cheerful, enthusiastic and interested in other people?
I make it sound soo easy - the truth is, it’s actually easier to change your looks than your personality.

I don't see why people like Brad Pitt at all :)

My dp doesn't have good teeth and is not a decent weight. He's 58, balding with bags under his eyes and a belly. I find him very attractive - he has a strong chin, eyebrows he can wiggle to make me laugh, broad shoulders, deep brown eyes, excellent calves, he smells sexy, he can read my mind, he cheers me up and in a stressful situation (some idiot being annoying) he often comes out with a comment that saves the day, like a knight in shining armour.
When I first saw him, I didn't know what to make of him but I liked his deep voice and sense of humour. I noticed the rest as I got to know him.

Sure, there has to be something about a person you find potentially fanciable - don't date someone who makes your stomach turn 😂 but it's surely rare to see a photo, or even meet someone, and instantly want to rip all their clothes off. (At my age definitely!)

That fact that some women don't date short men (plenty on the thread singing their praises) doesn't negate the fact that for the most part all men need to be considered acceptable is to be clean and tidy with teeth.
If they are also in reasonable shape and have hair, particularly after a certain age, they are likely to be elevated to 'attractive'.
When compared with the typical requirements for women in terms of weight, dress, hair, make up, youthfulness to be deemed attractive, the bar for men is very low indeed.

@5128gap

What about the fact that many men date women and have successful relationships with them, even if they're not perfect with regards to the 'typical requirements' you detail? Don't they negate your point?