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Original poster

Dating when you’re not attractive

189 replies

TwentysixV · 08/12/2022 20:50

I’ve always been single, never been asked out/very rarely get attention from men (and if I do it’s ones I just don’t find attractive). I’m just not very attractive. I’m a healthy weight, dress well and have ok teeth and hair so I don’t think I can improve my appearance. How did you find a partner if you’re not attractive? All my other single friends have men asking them out/showing interest without them even having to do anything and I never get any interest in real life. I don’t get many messages/matches on dating apps either and if I do they are from men I just don’t fancy at all (I know that’s shallow but I don’t see the point of dating a man I’m not attracted to). I don’t ever ask guys out either, but I feel like if they were interested they would ask me out/make a move and it would be clear they liked me. Anyone else relate, or gone from not getting any interest to being in a happy relationship with someone they are attracted to?

OP posts:
Ringmaster27 · 09/12/2022 16:38

Don’t rule out OLD matches purely based on a few pictures.
A few months ago, I matched with a man who’s so far from my usual type - I usually go for the gym bunny, good hair, pretty boy type….but he’s totally bald, bearded and is rocking a “dad bod”. We chatted a lot before meeting and really clicked. Then we met and he’s way more attractive than his OLD pictures let on! Which was just a bonus because we already knew we got on like a house on fire. We’ve been dating a few months and it’s going great!

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 09/12/2022 16:45

I am now an old old woman. When I was young I was stunningly pretty, but I got very little attention from men. I was both very shy and a bit standoffish. Luckily I found my lovely DC eventually but men generally did not find me attractive, being attractive has little to do with how you look. Try being massively friendly - its just practice.

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 09/12/2022 16:46

I meant DH, not DC

5128gap · 09/12/2022 20:41

I agree that if you're a healthy weight with good hair and teeth you're not likely to be unattractive. More likely is that you're not presenting yourself I'm a way that men are finding attractive, so you're flying under the radar and limiting your potential pool.
Now, you have three broad options.
You could say, well tough, this is me soI'll keep looking for the (rare) man who doesn't think looks are important, but, who is at the same time good looking enough for me to find attractive.
Or, you could lower your expectations, broaden your target market and start considering men who you're not particularly attracted to.
Finally, you could up your game in your own appearance (for the average woman the difference between invisibility and attractiveness is but a colour and restyle and good make up away) and in doing so become more attractive to a wider pool of men, thereby increasing your chances of catching the interest of an attractive one.

MorrisZapp · 09/12/2022 20:50

I'm old enough to remember when the local paper had a page full of wedding photos every Saturday. I remember thinking wow, even really weird looking people can find a life partner. I've grown up a bit since then but most adults do find partners, regardless of their objective attractiveness.

The 'ten out of ten's might get more matches up front but I guarantee they aren't finding long term relationships any easier.

HelenaBellena · 10/12/2022 06:35

Op, bear in mind lots of men aren't realistic about their expectations so you just can't be everyone's type. It's just unfortunate you haven't met anyone yet. I'm pretty decent looking, plus have stunning friends, and loads are single. Again like you, meeting those who may not be our type. I definitely go for more average looking men but im still single! Best to concentrate on yourself and keep looking rather than think why not me.

PicaNewName · 10/12/2022 06:48

I honestly think it's about the vibe you give off. At least in my case, I know it is. I have never been a flirty person, I have always been too serious with men, looking for long term things and although I wanted to be in a relationship, I know I have been giving off a 'back off' vibe.
My sister looks very much like me (not twins but people have confused us before) and she always had a lot of attention from men. Her whole body language and 'vibe' is very different.

xfan · 10/12/2022 06:53

I agree that people usually end up with someone similar looking to themselves - the unconscious bias. Rarely is there a discrepancy such as a good looking man with not such a good looking woman. In that case, there's usually some kind of power imbalance like status/wealth/immigration issues.

What do you want a relationship "for"? To cohabit/marry/have children?

Oopsiedaisyy · 10/12/2022 06:54

As an objectively probably not that attractive person on the standard scale (I'm a size 22), i have never had that much problem attracting male attention. Not everyone has the same turn ons when it comes to looks, and I'm confident in my own skin, easy to talk to and wasn't actually that bothered if i met someone post divorce but was dating for the free coffee and fun of it.

My DP didn't tick the usual boxes, although he was good looking, just wasnt sure if i felt that click. Date 2 i had a moment where i was blown away by just how gorgeous he actually is.... 7 months in I'm still feeling that way

hourbyhour101 · 10/12/2022 06:57

Look I don't have much advice but I will say that looks fade but a decent human being with a good heart that can make you laugh until you cry never does.

I know it's cliche but every good looking man I have dated seems to have not developed a personality or just bit boring.

To me someone that can make me laugh is made more attractive but then maybe I have met a few good looking but bad eggs.

WiseUpJanetWeiss · 10/12/2022 07:02

I'd advise you to date the ones you like the sound of rather than bothering too much what they look like. What's the worst that could happen?

If I was judging on photos I don't think I'd have ever picked any of the men who have been in my life. Goodness knows, the only one I fancied at first sight in real life was the one who turned out to be a bit of a knob.

Citycentre3 · 12/12/2022 00:05

I truely believe no matter what you look like anyone can find someone.

Even if at best you are just plain, then that is something to work with and build on.

I was at a Christmas party yesterday afternoon with my two DC's and it truly struck me just how frumpy and plain most of the other mothers looked. I am willing to bet you looked a damn site better than half the people in that room.

But these frumpy plain not very pretty women all had children and partners, proof right there in that room, looks are meaningless, so that is not why your single, it will be your lack of confidence, which incidentally is what these frumps had.

HeddaGarbled · 12/12/2022 00:23

I think you’ll have to face up to the fundamental truth that if you’re not physically attractive, then neither will your sexual partner(s) be physically attractive.

You can make your mind up to value other qualities above physical attractiveness or you can remain celibate.

Ugly men can be surprisingly good in bed: they know they have to work harder.

HelenaBellena · 12/12/2022 00:50

Citycentre3 · 12/12/2022 00:05

I truely believe no matter what you look like anyone can find someone.

Even if at best you are just plain, then that is something to work with and build on.

I was at a Christmas party yesterday afternoon with my two DC's and it truly struck me just how frumpy and plain most of the other mothers looked. I am willing to bet you looked a damn site better than half the people in that room.

But these frumpy plain not very pretty women all had children and partners, proof right there in that room, looks are meaningless, so that is not why your single, it will be your lack of confidence, which incidentally is what these frumps had.

So hilarious! I do agree, lots of frumpy parents but then I think they have just let themselves go because they are married now so doesn't count.

Watchkeys · 12/12/2022 10:14

HeddaGarbled · 12/12/2022 00:23

I think you’ll have to face up to the fundamental truth that if you’re not physically attractive, then neither will your sexual partner(s) be physically attractive.

You can make your mind up to value other qualities above physical attractiveness or you can remain celibate.

Ugly men can be surprisingly good in bed: they know they have to work harder.

What an unpleasantly superficial post. Also it doesn't make sense. If ugly men are worth having, ugly women are too, so it would make sense to have a relationship with one.

It's not true that you need to be good looking to find a good looking partner. It's complete bollocks.

ScrappyCats · 13/12/2022 19:43

@Watchkeys - It’s the basic economics of dating. An unattractive person might manage to get with an attractive mate, if they have something else to offer which will bump up their value. Money or power more commonly.

5128gap · 13/12/2022 19:57

Watchkeys · 12/12/2022 10:14

What an unpleasantly superficial post. Also it doesn't make sense. If ugly men are worth having, ugly women are too, so it would make sense to have a relationship with one.

It's not true that you need to be good looking to find a good looking partner. It's complete bollocks.

Show quote history

A woman doesn't have to be good looking to find a good looking partner, but she will find it far more difficult if she isn't.
No one has to like it, but there's no point pretending it isn't true.
If you're not attractive your options are reduced. If you're not attractive but insist your partner is, they're reduced further.
Ugly people of both sexes can be with having, but attractive people usually have other options so unless they get to know the ugly person in another capacity first, generally don't give them a chance.

xfan · 14/12/2022 18:20

Citycentre3 · 12/12/2022 00:05

I truely believe no matter what you look like anyone can find someone.

Even if at best you are just plain, then that is something to work with and build on.

I was at a Christmas party yesterday afternoon with my two DC's and it truly struck me just how frumpy and plain most of the other mothers looked. I am willing to bet you looked a damn site better than half the people in that room.

But these frumpy plain not very pretty women all had children and partners, proof right there in that room, looks are meaningless, so that is not why your single, it will be your lack of confidence, which incidentally is what these frumps had.

@Citycentre3

I'm not sure about "confidence" probably a realisation somewhere early on in life that you don't have many choices and need to "settle" for a plain, similarly dull man otherwise no family, no children and mortgage. It's more not wanting to be left behind rather than confidence.

UglyNameChange · 14/12/2022 18:38

Citycentre3 · 12/12/2022 00:05

I truely believe no matter what you look like anyone can find someone.

Even if at best you are just plain, then that is something to work with and build on.

I was at a Christmas party yesterday afternoon with my two DC's and it truly struck me just how frumpy and plain most of the other mothers looked. I am willing to bet you looked a damn site better than half the people in that room.

But these frumpy plain not very pretty women all had children and partners, proof right there in that room, looks are meaningless, so that is not why your single, it will be your lack of confidence, which incidentally is what these frumps had.

But were these ’frumpy plain not pretty women’ frumpy plain not pretty women BEFORE they had partners?
Would they have gotten their partner and kids had they look what they look like now?

I know ugliness is a taboo and it makes people feel better / more in control to say non sense like beauty if the eye of a beholder and anyone can find love, but it’s not always true. Not for everyone.

Heatherjayne1972 · 14/12/2022 18:55

It’s character and personality more than looks I think.

take boris johnson - judging from a picture it’s no no no and no - he would do very poorly on a dating app ( if no one knew who he was)
but apparently he has a very charismatic personality- I mean he must have something he’s been married 3 (?) times

Coffeepot72 · 14/12/2022 19:05

I'm old enough to remember when the local paper had a page full of wedding photos every Saturday. I remember thinking wow, even really weird looking people can find a life partner. I've grown up a bit since then but most adults do find partners, regardless of their objective attractiveness.

Blimey I remember that too! And very true

Citycentre3 · 14/12/2022 19:23

UglyNameChange · 14/12/2022 18:38

But were these ’frumpy plain not pretty women’ frumpy plain not pretty women BEFORE they had partners?
Would they have gotten their partner and kids had they look what they look like now?

I know ugliness is a taboo and it makes people feel better / more in control to say non sense like beauty if the eye of a beholder and anyone can find love, but it’s not always true. Not for everyone.

Show quote history

Well put it this way, I went there not feeling at my best and I came away thinking well I know for a fact I don't look as bad as that.

It is very very hard to tell if an overweight frumpy 40 something was ever attractive to start with. None of them made any effort what so ever with their appearance. Think ill fitting jumpers and flabby wide denim skirts. I know it was a childrens party, but I at least put a comb through my hair and had a slick of lipstick on to lift my wintry pasty skin out of the doldrums, oh and I threw on a semi figure hugging black wintry dress with a turtleneck. Quite the effort compared to the others.

Watchkeys · 14/12/2022 19:39

@5128gap

No one has to like it, but there's no point pretending it isn't true

Because it's the objective truth, based on the fact that you said it?

Generally, most of us are looking for 1 person; if they're a compatible person, we stop looking. The more filters we have, the less time we waste. So, if we want someone with a bit more depth than 'Phwoar, she's hot!', then being less classically gorgeous will filter those types out. Less dates/less messages isn't a bad thing. When I was OLD I got lots of messages from people who couldn't spell, just sent emojis, just said 'Hey there!', and they were all a waste of time. My partner wrote me a well thought out message, and was the only person I responded to. If that had been the only message I'd received, the outcome would be the same.

5128gap · 14/12/2022 20:47

Watchkeys · 14/12/2022 19:39

@5128gap

No one has to like it, but there's no point pretending it isn't true

Because it's the objective truth, based on the fact that you said it?

Generally, most of us are looking for 1 person; if they're a compatible person, we stop looking. The more filters we have, the less time we waste. So, if we want someone with a bit more depth than 'Phwoar, she's hot!', then being less classically gorgeous will filter those types out. Less dates/less messages isn't a bad thing. When I was OLD I got lots of messages from people who couldn't spell, just sent emojis, just said 'Hey there!', and they were all a waste of time. My partner wrote me a well thought out message, and was the only person I responded to. If that had been the only message I'd received, the outcome would be the same.

Its not true because I said it. I said it because its true.
The world is not full of attractive men looking to date unattractive women who insist on the man being good-looking.
Finding one would be difficult.

Marshmello33 · 14/12/2022 20:59

I feel you on this! I don't even bother to try and date now! I am unattractive no beating around the Bush I wasn't blessed with looks in life nothing I can do about it!
I've met all my exs thur drinking and going out so didn't care what people thought at the time, but meeting the right person while drunk hasn't worked for me 😆 I don't drink anymore, can't do online dating I wouldn't dream of putting a pic up unless fillterd but then wouldn't meet anyone casue they would see the real unfiltered me. Sorry I'm rambling no advice but I know how you feel x