DH asked me to consider an open marriage

[Pumpkinspicedmum]

Me and DH have been together since we were 16 and are now 30 with a dd (4) and a ds (16mo)

Since my first pregnancy, I have been struggling with a very low libido and must admit to neglecting DH in that area. The other night DH asked if we could talk and said he wasn't happy in such a low sex marriage (we've dtd 5 times since the birth of our daughter 4 years ago) and really needs sex. He said he has been getting increasingly frustrated and snappy and feels lost in our marriage. He said that he does love me but feels that our relationship is in trouble.

I was honest and told him that it's not him but that I just have zero libido. He suggested counselling but I really don't like the idea of discussing our sex life with a stranger. If I'm honest, I got a bit defensive and went to bed in a huff which I know was wrong.

Fast forward to this evening and DH has asked me if I would consider an open marriage so that he can get his needs met, taking the pressure off of me. He said he loves me and wants our family to stay together but that a compromise needs to be made and its up to me whether we go for sex therapy or I carry on as I am and we have an open marriage.

To be honest, I dont really want to do either and feel a bit annoyed at DH for ruining the status quo which deep down I know is unreasonable and he isn't wrong for wanting sex with his own wife.

Any words of wisdom whilst I try to navigate this situation would be greatly appreciated x

The only you thing I agree with there is your last sentence. In a male dominated sexist society, is any man worth it?

No man is entitled to sex with a woman. Ever.

Not being funny OP as I know how easy it can be to get stuck on difficult thoughts, but you were 16 when you got together with your DH. His previous two girlfriends that you're comparing yourself to were presumably about 14/15?? Really try and confront that thought, that you are comparing your attractiveness to a 14yr old. You have both been together nearly half your lives and you're worried about him settling against someone he probably dated for a few months as a kid. That isn't a rational thought. His friend was a knob who obviously had an axe to grind, and your DH quite rightly pulled him up on it. Using that as a reason to kill your relationship is a sign either of other things in play, or salf sabotage.
Looking back, what was your sex life like before, and what triggered the loss in libido? Has it been a slow decline, or a cliff edge?

He is entitled to want sex with his WIFE. It's called..... marriage. Not a just a mere friendship.

This is tough for you. Agree that it’s good he’s been honest, and hasn’t gone off and cheated like many men do in this position. Yes men do need to be patience after the birth of children, but can see why he’s frustrated if you’ve only done it a handful of times since children. Going to the GP is a good first step. Are you on the pill? That can kill libido

No woman is entitled to be in a marriage and expect never to have sex.

No man is entitled to sex with a woman. I can do emphasis too. The alternative is justifying rape.

Men owe women and children their support.

I really find it mind boggling how much women have talked themselves into destroying women’s rights in just a few years.

Then no man should be entitled to have children.

I’ve been in your shoes and my marriage ended. Regarding your libido, mine was stifled for 5 years with a coil that I had fitted, once removed I literally felt the desire return. I’ve refused ever since to take any hormonal contraception, as the pill has in the past had similar issues. By that point my marriage was already in big trouble and didn’t survive. We’d lost that closeness and intimacy that a marriage needs. This other point for me is that I just didn’t fancy my husband. I thought I had low libido issues, but I found once I was single I had plenty of desire and enjoy sex.
I wouldn’t go down the open marriage route it will kill your marriage. You’ve got to reconnect with your husband or accept he can’t be in a sexless marriage and set him free.

You're confused. This is not about rape or destroying womens rights. Women have the right not to enter a sexual relationship like marriage if they don't want sex.

No woman should be entitled to children either, then. Especially if she doesn't want sex, which is what it takes to make children.

@TintinHadToBeMale
Please stop your misandrist drivel, it serves no one. Plus having a child is ‘taking one hell of a health risk’? Just stop trying to interject your negative agenda.

Tje sex has happened. Children have appeared. This is about male demands on women. Which are increasing, and you are supporting them in it.

JennyNotFromTheBlock Both of your recent posts are spot on.
He’s behaving like a man that adores you.
His friend was an arse.
His ex’s are ex’s for a reason and he is trying to stay with you despite you showing him immaturity and intolerance when he has raised important issues and reasonable approaches.
As others have said there may be imbalance or depression going on within you.
How do you really think it has been for him this last few years? It isn’t about just your feelings of inadequacy, he has feelings of potential rejection and abandonment as well. Many men would’ve used that as a reason to cheat but your husband is working at this marriage.
Enough of the histrionics, open up to him with the courage he has shown you and refind your emotional intimacy together.
Emotional togetherness is far more likely to open the door to your physical intimacy again

So now she's got what she wants, her children, his needs aren't important?

You don't seem to understand. We are talking about marriage. Not a friendship or a housemate. Marriage is, on the majority, about sex. Sex is vital to most marriages. If you don't want sex in a marriage, you exit the marriage.

People change, especially after having kids. With two little ones climbing all over you I'm not surprised you don't want sex. There's nothing wrong with you whatsoever, OP, it's entirely natural not to want sex when you have small children, it's nature's way of making sure you are fully physically recovered from having two children already.

You can still have intimacy and cuddles, without it leading to anything and DH should be ok with that. But him suggesting an open marriage just means he wants to shag someone else. There's someone else he fancies and he's looking for an excuse.

I think the husband is getting a bit of a pasting here.

Having sex four times in four years is nightmare fuel for me and I honestly doubt that anyone in their thirties would be happy with that if they were married and both of them were physically able.

The OP is being extremely selfish and if she's not careful her marriage will blow up in her face.

If you don't want sex in a marriage, you exit the marriage

Many people do, but it doesn't mean that is right. You don't promise to always have sex when you marry, you promise to love and cherish someone until death, it's not a contract have penetrative sex on a regular basis.

@MavisChunch29 without it leading to anything and DH should be ok with that.

Seriously? You're saying a man should stay in a sexless marriage and be happy with cuddles etc (which would only wind him up more)? Are you seriously that delusional that you expect a man to be in a sexless marriage and put up with it? How about if the woman doesn't want sex, she should exit the marriage instead of making the husband miserable through her selfishness?

Yes, he wants to shag, and that's why he suggested an open marriage. If he wasn't decent he'd be shagging already behind her back.

The internal misogyny in this place is terrifying at times. So many handmaidens of the patriarchy.

it's not a contract have penetrative sex on a regular basis.

Actually, yes, that is indeed exactly what marriage is.

Otherwise it's just a friendship or a housemate relationship.

Marriage is about sex. That's the point of it.

Some of the responses on here have shocked me. No one has the right to have your body. By all means seek counselling for any self esteem issues. But coercive behaviour is abuse.

Saying that marriage is about sex and one half of the marriage has a right to have their feelings and needs attended to, in an equal marriage is not 'misogyny'. I am a strong rad fem, GC, 'terf', all that. And you have no idea what 'misogyny' or 'patriarchy' is, if you think a man is unreasonable to want to make love to his own wife in his own marriage. Have you ever been in a relationship? Because it doesn't sound like you ever have.

Yes to all that. If you love someone and they love you, you don't take the opportunity to go off and shag someone else every time life throws a curve ball at you.

@Bettybooboo13 Good thing then that coercive behaviour isn't part of this discussion then isn't it.