DH asked me to consider an open marriage

[Pumpkinspicedmum]

Me and DH have been together since we were 16 and are now 30 with a dd (4) and a ds (16mo)

Since my first pregnancy, I have been struggling with a very low libido and must admit to neglecting DH in that area. The other night DH asked if we could talk and said he wasn't happy in such a low sex marriage (we've dtd 5 times since the birth of our daughter 4 years ago) and really needs sex. He said he has been getting increasingly frustrated and snappy and feels lost in our marriage. He said that he does love me but feels that our relationship is in trouble.

I was honest and told him that it's not him but that I just have zero libido. He suggested counselling but I really don't like the idea of discussing our sex life with a stranger. If I'm honest, I got a bit defensive and went to bed in a huff which I know was wrong.

Fast forward to this evening and DH has asked me if I would consider an open marriage so that he can get his needs met, taking the pressure off of me. He said he loves me and wants our family to stay together but that a compromise needs to be made and its up to me whether we go for sex therapy or I carry on as I am and we have an open marriage.

To be honest, I dont really want to do either and feel a bit annoyed at DH for ruining the status quo which deep down I know is unreasonable and he isn't wrong for wanting sex with his own wife.

Any words of wisdom whilst I try to navigate this situation would be greatly appreciated x

I think you need to think of the least worst solution- either open marriage (which does come with its own risks - him maybe meeting someone else) , going to counselling or splitting up. I admire him for being so honest with you.

I personally think it’s great that you’ve had this discussion as opposed to him just ending things or worse having an affair.

If the relationships worth saving I definitely think you should try the counselling it might make you feel more for him too.

We’re similar but the other way around in our relationship and tbh I’ve put a timer on things, if it doesn’t change I’m gone. I think the way he’s gone about it is much better and healthier. He obviously really loves you.

Hi not really got any advice but I will say that I can imagine this is not easy for either of you. I had a low libido for a time but hit 39/40 and started to get very into sex again. I find if we don't do it for a while it's easy to just not bother but once we do it we want to do it again. Could you start like that and just see if your sex drive builds up. It's difficult as I can see it from both sides and it's normal to want sex.

Have you been to a GP and asked for a referral? Zero libido isn’t something to ignore it’s a symptom.

This sounds like a really difficult situation. Personally I would try the therapy. That seems to come with the least downside and it’s a reasonable thing for your husband to ask. An open marriage would be unbearable for me- I would prefer to divorce.

Second the suggestion that you also see your GP.

I couldn’t live without sex either tbh, it’s not unreasonable of him to want this to change. At least he hasn’t cheated, but has offered two possible options, rather than cheat or leave.

I think you may need to reconsider the counselling option first.

If you’re too embarrassed to talk about sex you may need to think about some personal counselling first to unpick your feelings about that?

Have you had any physical issues that may prevent you from feeling like sex? Depression (PND or otherwise), thyroid issues, pain from birth injuries etc.?

I think you need to try and meet him part way if you want the relationship to survive - it's time to put your embarrassment to one side of you need to save the marriage. You could go to a doctor, try some medication etc and ask him to give you 6 months to see if things improve, and then revisit the topic? Alternatively could you schedule in some time for sex? Sometimes the more you have sex the more you want it and it can be easy to get out the habit, especially if your libido isn't high.
I'd be nervous of an open relationship because I think chances are he'd end up falling for someone and you'll end up separating after months or years of possible jealousy etc. Much better to try and fix what has gone wrong.

He’s done the right thing, bringing up this problem. It can’t have been easy to hear it though. I can understand why you feel upset.

I think that you should talk to your GP about libido unless its cause is obvious eg you’re working and taking most of the responsibility for the children and housework, and are tired and resentful.

I’d favour counselling over an open marriage but that is your choice.

You need to sort this out as it will fester and undermine your marriage so I would:

1. Apologise to him for going off in a huff and say you are open to talking about it with him, but feel uncomfortable with the idea of talking to a stranger.
2. Explore why your libido is low. Tired? Don’t fancy him? Resentful? Be honest with yourself and him.
3. Consider starting with no sex but more physical touch. Sex therapists often advise taking sex off the table but just touching each other more to build connection. Massage with no sex for instance.
4. Keep talking honestly to each other.

Hiw is the relationship generally? How active/ involved is he with the children? 16 months old is still pretty young for the littlest.

I think your best bet would be counselling. Your marriage has hit a serious issue. My friend ignored a lack of intimacy with her ex (she was quite happy without it) and was then shocked two years later when he left her because he was having an affair.

I don’t think there’s a way back from this. Open marriages might work if it’s what both parties really want.

The stratus quo doesn’t work so what’s your preferred option? He’s very young to be living with enforced celibacy. It wouldn’t work for many people, you know that.

You don’t want him, don’t want to share him, won’t talk about it, refuse counselling, but presumably don’t want to be without him?

He’s been very reasonable. You should apologise for huffing at him, it must have taken guts to be honest with you about how he’s feeling, and work out what you’re going to do.

Are there things that he could be doing to take stress off you? Stress can be a leading cause of low libido and if you find yourself running round after the kids and him all day, you're hardly going to be lusting after him.

I read recently that foreplay doesn't have to start when you're in bed, it can start at the beginning of the day, with him bringing you a coffee, giving you a slap on the bum, doing the kids bedtime routine when he otherwise wouldn't etc. making you feel like a team, valued, desired.

I'm not sure what your set up is like but it could be worth a thought. This isn't a 'you' problem, it's for both of you to solve together!

try the therapy. really. DH and I had a bad patch when kids were little and my libido was very low, but with patience (and working at it), it has come back massively and it is great to be together.

keep talking and look for ways to connect to him again - that is the best way to save your marriage.

@Pumpkinspicedmum

Your DH has been very open and honest with you and you can't be upset for that.

The fact he talked to you about sex therapy and think you should consider it.

Obviously it's not nice him saying about open marriage but I don't know what else he meant to do.

Yes maybe hearing this making you feel under pressure but I do believe he being honest here.

You also can't expect him to carry on with no sex from you.

Counselling isn't going to help your libido if it is due to a hormonal imbalance, so why don't you go and speak to your GP? Ask at the practice if you could see a female doctor if that would make it easier.

Unfortunately it doesn't sound as though doing nothing is going to maintain the status quo. Your husband has been admirably candid with you and I think you need to decide on the best option. There's a lot less to go wrong with counselling so that might be the wiser place to start. Also your GP in case it's your thyroid or something. The open marriage option msy lead to him developing feelings elsewhere so if you want to remain married, you should be prepared to try and address the problem

Agree with all of this. You know you’ve been unreasonable so now you have to think about how to find a solution because he’s been clear he isn’t happy with things as they are. If you really don’t want to try and rebuild a sex life (and you shouldn’t have sex you don’t want) then an open marriage or splitting may be the only things on the table.

Zero libido could be a side effect for contraception that you may be taking or any medication. Might be an idea to have a chat with your GP.

Thanks everyone for the responses.

I will make an appointment with the GP tomorrow. I have mentioned this to the locum doctor I saw previously and she wasn't very helpful and was quite dismissive of my situation and said it's not an illness so not to worry about it.

I'm not totally against counselling, I'm just apprehensive of being made to feel like a shit wife and be told this is all my fault.

I am sleeping in the spare room tonight to try and clear my thoughts. I know deep down that DH loves me and just wants to be close again, but to me it almost feels like he is attacking me and I don't feel like I can face him at the moment. I know rationally he's not trying to make me feel bad or inferior; he usually dotes on me.

With regards to the open marriage, I am not completely against the idea and will give it some consideration. Like you all say, it does come with the risk of falling in love and that would be hard.

Thanks for the advice so far - it's helpful being able to get it all out x

I really don’t see the point in an open marriage but wow sex only 5 times in 4 years??
sorry I don’t have any advice but it must have been hard hearing that from your husband

Unfortunately doctors can sometimes be dismissive but do try to go again. Also check the side effects on the medication/ contraception box and ask to try something different if it is listed as a side effect.

You can’t demand celibacy from him like this. It is not ok. So either open marriage, try to fix it or split. But he’s not willing to live a celibate life and that’s understandable, you wish one, and that’s also ok; you’re not incompatible.

the question to ask yourself. Is if you split, would you stay single or look for a partner who also wished celibacy`? Or would you feel you needed to have sex to keep them?

Wow. I think your DH sounds like a throughly decent man. I also couldn't be without sex (every day at least for us) and I have been with DH 14yrs, and I'm now 32, two kids 4 and 2, so similar to you. Have you always had a low sex drive or did it just diminish after kids? Go to the counselling, whatever you decide about an open marriage, it might help you in either scenario xx