DH asked me to consider an open marriage

[Pumpkinspicedmum]

Me and DH have been together since we were 16 and are now 30 with a dd (4) and a ds (16mo)

Since my first pregnancy, I have been struggling with a very low libido and must admit to neglecting DH in that area. The other night DH asked if we could talk and said he wasn't happy in such a low sex marriage (we've dtd 5 times since the birth of our daughter 4 years ago) and really needs sex. He said he has been getting increasingly frustrated and snappy and feels lost in our marriage. He said that he does love me but feels that our relationship is in trouble.

I was honest and told him that it's not him but that I just have zero libido. He suggested counselling but I really don't like the idea of discussing our sex life with a stranger. If I'm honest, I got a bit defensive and went to bed in a huff which I know was wrong.

Fast forward to this evening and DH has asked me if I would consider an open marriage so that he can get his needs met, taking the pressure off of me. He said he loves me and wants our family to stay together but that a compromise needs to be made and its up to me whether we go for sex therapy or I carry on as I am and we have an open marriage.

To be honest, I dont really want to do either and feel a bit annoyed at DH for ruining the status quo which deep down I know is unreasonable and he isn't wrong for wanting sex with his own wife.

Any words of wisdom whilst I try to navigate this situation would be greatly appreciated x

I think it can be difficult to give yourself permission to be sexual when you spend most of your time being a mum. You turn it off so that you can be safe for the children.

So it would really help if you could get away from the kids/home somehow for a bit, and if he could take it slowly with you and build up intimate touch gradually without expecting an orgasm

Ps. I just also wanted to advise you look up " love languages" and ask DH to do it too... you might find a way to connect in a different level. Take the pressure off and "date" again... keep the lines of communication open with him. You aren't a shit wife, and this isn't your fault, it's just... he has needs too.

In fairness to your husband, he has been very patient, respectful and has raised it with you rather than getting it elsewhere.

It's no just about the lack of sex but the rejection eats away at people.

He's 30, sex 4 times in 5 years and looking at another 40 years without it unless sonething changes.

See your GP, well woman, and do counselling. There's no way I would let me marraige go than the toilet without trying it. An open marraige is unlikely to be the solution.

Good that he's honest. Working on communication, touch etc sounds great. I'd be apprehensive about the open marriage advice. Not just the "it could turn into something serious" advice, but the opposite really - if it goes as intended, it's essentially a couple solving their compatibility issues at the expense of a third person(s), who are getting cannibalized for the couple's needs. Potentially deeply unethical.

Wow, lots of responses. Thank you all for taking the time to give me your honest thoughts.

To be fair to DH he does help out with the kids and housework.

He's just asked if I'd consider spending the night in a hotel, away from home, to discuss our sex life and problems with our marriage.

I've agreed to this. Hopefully I will have clearer feelings by then

Good on you both OP and good luck.

I think your husband has been really mature and honest, do you actually want your libido to increase ? I think it's fair that he has communicated that he needs something to change but I suppose only you know why your libido is lower and whether you want to change it.

I think it would be a lot easier to see a therapist than maybe lose a marriage with someone you love, and have children with.

Open marriage. Dangerous. Feelings always come into play.

Go to counselling.

He is being really fair and mature.

To be blunt, lots of people in the same boat would just have an affair.

I don’t see any harm in going to counselling OP.

Your husband sounds really decent OP. Don’t feel attacked. It’s always hard when someone holds the mirror up and you have to confront something you hate. Getting counselling is always harder when it feel like not only is there a real problem, but also you feel like you are “the problem”. Plus having a baby and a toddler around makes it really hard to feel sexy.

Go to the hotel, get some toys out, drink some wine and play something like Monogamy. Have a laugh and remember sometimes you have to let the body lead and the brain will follow. X

I’m taking DHEA supplements for egg quality and it has really boosted my libido. It’s a bit annoying as we’re doing IVF but nice to know it’s still there..

also I’m amazed you conceived your second with so little sex!

You need counselling at the minimum. And I appreciate you need time to think but by sleeping in the spare room your partner will just feel abandoned for communicating with you which you totally shut down and got huffy about. I feel for him.

You aren’t just a mother, you are a wife and a partner and if you don’t feel like having a sexual relationship with your husband then maybe there is something else at play.

I hope you've also told him that you are going to see your GP. Being seen to take his worries seriously enough to look into doing something about it, sends an important message, whereas huffing one night, then sleeping in the spare room the next, could be construed negatively by him and make him lose hope and check out of the marriage.
Interesting that your instinct is to feel attacked and run away, there might be some stuff to unpick around why you're doing that in therapy. Upbringing, bad past experiences around sex? You seem quite private about things and maybe a tad embarrassed, unusual after DC - where loads of people end up looking up your flue, kinda puts all feelings of embarrassment in the shade after.

Definitely go to counselling.
I think your DH is being honest and considerate with you.
Book a lovely hotel, get your hair done, new underwear and outfit.
It might just be what you need to get away from the hum drum of kids, and discover yourself again.
I would strongly advise against an open marriage.

@sugargliderwombat being really honest I've never given it much thought. I guess I just presumed it would sort itself out one day, probably when DC were a bit older.

I do feel guilty for letting it get to this point, and admit I've probably been quite selfish. I think I thought that DH loved me and would be content to wait for my libido to return and in the meantime could use porn.

I guess as I had low libido and was content I wrongly assumed it wasn't an issue for him.

We've agreed to sleep in separate rooms until our night in the hotel so we can both gather our thoughts and be clear on our feelings. DH is going to book a night away somewhere tomorrow.

Your husband sounds like a good, decent man who is doing all he can to keep his marriage. Do you know how rare it is for men to even want marriage counselling, let alone suggest it? He's a keeper, ffs, do everything you can to not let him go. Not many men would put up with a sexless marriage. You're basically breaking the marriage vows/marriage agreement. Marriage is a sexual relationship. Not merely a friendship or housemates. He is not wrong to want an actual marriage, not just a friendship.

You need to work out whether you love him in that way, or if you don't anymore. If you do, you need to get that spark back. If you don't, do the right thing and let him go. Because no man will stay in a sexless relationship. That's not a marriage. It's not a relationship. You're just housemates and you're not being fair on him. If you have zero libido then let him go or agree to an open marriage. The fact he hasn't cheated and will go to counselling, do ANYthing to keep the marriage shows to me you've got a good decent man and perhaps you don't deserve him or appreciate him. 99% of other men would just have an affair, you don't know how good you've got it.

Low libido is very common when you are exhausted from caring for young children. Especially if you have high touch kids, the last thing you want is another person touching you.

the drudgery of parenting young kids also becomes why it becomes cliche that the sexiest thing a husband can do is the dishes. But it’s more meaningful than that. Is he pulling his weight around the house? Is he doing his fair share of parenting? Are you carrying the entire mental load? If the division is unfair, you will naturally be too tired for sex.

i would suggest marriage counseling, not a sex therapist. The two of you should be looking at whether or not both of you are having your needs met.

I think I feel attacked because I already feel a bit inadequate.

DH's last two previous girlfriends before me were stunningly beautiful with perfect bodies and I am definitely more normal looking and have an average body.

I remember once at a party we were playing some truth game and DH's friend was asked to rate DH's past and present girlfriends by their attractiveness and I ranked near the bottom. DH did voice his anger at the time and told his mate to grow up but it definitely stuck with me.

DH himself has never told me I am inferior, less attractive etc. and has only ever complimented my appearance but I can't help but feel that he's just settled for me, so maybe some self sabotage is subconsciously at play, who knows?

I am feeling quite sorry for myself now. Going to have a good cry x

Not a PC answer, but if I merely had low libido (as opposed to actual pain or sexual dysfunction) I'd just roll over and fake it, if I cared about DH and wanted to keep him happy.

I do feel sympathy for you but I think rather than just feel sorry for you you need to give yourself a shake. If I heard one partner asked for a couple to do counselling about a legitimate issue and the other said no way I’d expect to hear they’d split up sometime in the future. It takes two to make a marriage work and he seems to be trying quite hard but he’s only one person. Maybe you’re a little depressed, maybe it’s other reasons; but you need to start proactively trying to fix it. Gp for a start, explore depression , contraception possibly, then therapy. And what else makes you happy? Can you try to do a little of that?

OP, he clearly hasn't "settled". He loves you and wants you. So much so that he refuses to cheat and wants to save your marriage. If he settled, he'd use this as an excuse to leave and find someone else. Take it as a compliment that he loves you so much he wants a marriage with you. What his friend said wasn't nice, and I know these things stay with us. But your husband most definitely didn't settle. No one who has settled fights so hard to retain the person they've settled with. He is attracted to you and wants you. Try and move past his exes, because you're clearly a stunner in his eyes.

I have had spells of low libido. I found it helped to schedule sex (I know it sounds very unromantic but it was the only way to be sure it happened, if I'd waited till I was in the mood I'd have waited for ever) and just do it.

I know people argue no one should have sex if they don't want to and of course it's true but I treated it as a sacrifice I was willing to make. I found that (1) I often enjoyed it once we got into it, and (2) the more often we did it the more I wanted to. I think it really was a case of use it or lose it.

Personally I would never countenance an open marriage but I would do anything and everything to protect my marriage.

My OH really needs sex to feel connected so I totally get why your husband is unhappy. I hope you can work something out OP...... good luck.

Seems like a man trying everything to save his marraige. He's been respectful and patient and is discusing it maturely.

It might help to look at it from that angle rathervthsn as criticsm or an attack. Nothing you've said suggests that it is.