DH asked me to consider an open marriage

[Pumpkinspicedmum]

Me and DH have been together since we were 16 and are now 30 with a dd (4) and a ds (16mo)

Since my first pregnancy, I have been struggling with a very low libido and must admit to neglecting DH in that area. The other night DH asked if we could talk and said he wasn't happy in such a low sex marriage (we've dtd 5 times since the birth of our daughter 4 years ago) and really needs sex. He said he has been getting increasingly frustrated and snappy and feels lost in our marriage. He said that he does love me but feels that our relationship is in trouble.

I was honest and told him that it's not him but that I just have zero libido. He suggested counselling but I really don't like the idea of discussing our sex life with a stranger. If I'm honest, I got a bit defensive and went to bed in a huff which I know was wrong.

Fast forward to this evening and DH has asked me if I would consider an open marriage so that he can get his needs met, taking the pressure off of me. He said he loves me and wants our family to stay together but that a compromise needs to be made and its up to me whether we go for sex therapy or I carry on as I am and we have an open marriage.

To be honest, I dont really want to do either and feel a bit annoyed at DH for ruining the status quo which deep down I know is unreasonable and he isn't wrong for wanting sex with his own wife.

Any words of wisdom whilst I try to navigate this situation would be greatly appreciated x

An open marriage is the beginning of the end. What you need is help to feel like yourself again, young dc are a sex killer. Your libido definitely can come back from this. Please get help.

Get back into bed with your husband.

If you start sleeping separately it will be hard to get back together again.

It will also put too much pressure on the night in the hotel.

Why not start with visiting your doctor first. It might just need hormone adjustment to get your sex drive back.

Hi, I went through the very same situation with my sons dad. We were married for 8 years but together for 12 years. After 2 years being together I got pregnant and after my son was born I never really dealt "in the mood" anymore. It wasn't till after 10 years together he opened up to me about how he felt since baby was born an how distant I been in that certain part of our relationship. We ha counselling and it never worked. I love him and still do till this day, he never did anything wrong but I simply just couldn't be the same with him an I realised after we split up that I just fell out of love with him. I'm not saying you have that same feeling I did but sometimes it's a deeper thing. I wanted to travel an see the world and wanted my son to have experience life to the full and he was more grounded and wanted different things. I know have met the second person in my life I've ever loved. And have a beautiful family of 5 and a brilliant sex life. Pregnancy does strange things to people in all different ways it's nobody's fault so don't blame yourself and they shouldn't think negative of themselves either.

He's not attacking you. I've got to say I'm not a fan of your behaviour to be honest, you sound selfish. If you loved your husband surely you'd find it in your heart to do it....once a month? Every 2 months? It's nothing! Surprised you've had as much support on here as you've had!

He doesn't want an open marriage really. He wants sex. With you.

Do what you can to make it work.

Date / non-sexual intimacy to start / cuddles.

It'd be a shame for the marriage to fail as it sounds, healthy and happy otherwise.

I'm astonished at the fawning over the husband here. He 'helps' with the kids, one of whom is a toddler still, he issues ultimatums, he puts pressure on his wife. It's manipulative selfish behaviour.

Contemplating ways to 'make' yourself want sex is soul destroying. No one should be put in this position.

Are you serious? He has put no pressure on the OP, he is trying to make things work. And where is the ultimatum? He wants to communicate with his wife to save the marriage. I'm astonished at your post blaming the husband for doing all he can to save his marriage. It's the very exact opposite of 'manipulative selfish behaviour'. The very opposite.

You see here I think lies the problem.this is how you feel about yourself and your sex life is a symptom of that. Feeling low,depressed inadequate will totally turn your sex drive off.
so I’d would suggest getting help.but I wouldn’t say it’s sex therapy you need but actually emotional every day therapy.for how you feel about you and your mental health.
I wouldn’t be ok with an open marriage.agreed or not it’s cheating(to me I say this before I get jumped on)your having relationship with another woman.your having sex with someone else. How does this rid any of the inadequacy just because you no about it.
mand I’m sorry sec has feelings.he has to have someone he’s attracted to.how will this help your feelings of not feeling good enough for him.
mand every text,every time he goes out.you’ll just be ok thinking it knowing he’s going out to fulfill his needs.I think this will shit on your confidence even more and really bury your labido

Lots of people coming on to say how he's a good man for saying this etc... And that's absolutely possible, but would also wonder how the rest of your relationship is? Does he make you feel attractive and sexy? Does he help enough with the kids? Sometimes libido is an issue in itself, sometimes it's a symptom of unhappiness elsewhere in the relationship (or in yourself). If it could be the latter, the therapy could be worth it, not just about sex but about everything else.

OP there could be lots of issues here that you could approach. I definitely agree with scheduling sex. When our 3 were young I was exhausted at night and just wanted to go to sleep! So we scheduled sex on a Sunday morning at an absolute minimum. We still almost always have sex Sunday mornings, even though we now have sex a few times a week again.

OP I think you have lost the ability to see yourself as a sexual being, sexy and in touch with your body. You could think of all the ways that would help you find that part of yourself again. This can be combined with counseling and looking at the medical side and seeing why you physically have such a libido.

Having an open marriage is highly risky. What if he found a lovely woman who also liked frequent sex? He may decide he’d rather stay with her in an active sexual relationship (which is a significant part of what a marriage is) divorce and support the children from afar.

At the moment he clearly doesn’t want that. He is trying everything in his power to resurrect a non-existent sex life. If you want to understand his point of view I would suggest you look at the Reddit forum r/Deadbedroom which is men and women who are living in sexless marriages (or very little sex) and how unhappy they are. The vast majority are doing everything they can to save their marriage and they support each other. Many feel very unloved and rejected. In fact I wonder if your husband has been looking on there because everything he is trying is straight from the advice on that forum, which is very sensible.

BTW this is such a common issue in marriage that any experienced marriage counselor will be very familiar with it. Particularly how much women’s libido can be affected when raising very young children. So I would try not to be embarrassed. Any decent counselor will never put it all on you but will try and find ways you can both reconnect emotionally and sexually.

The Reddit Forum www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/

I would say you should try some therapy for yourself as well as sex therapy, more intimate time together if you can arrange it, all those things you can do to remind yourself of how you can enjoy sex and being intimate. Don’t be too harsh on yourself though, your husband wants to communicate with you and resolve this so that’s a good thing.

The open relationship part has me wondering,is it only for him.
Or are you able to have one as well.

I think low libido is part of having young kids but are you using that as an excuse not to be intimate.
4 times in 5 years isn't great and it must be soul destroying for your DH.

I think there's 3 things you must do.
1See the GP
2Talk to your husband

1. Get back to sharing a bed,it'll only widen the gulf more.

Yeah @JennyNotFromTheBlock "I demand sex or an open marriage" totally nice guy 😂 I'm sure you'd be so grateful when faced with that.

"In order for couples to have great sex, they must feel physically and emotionally safe, and they must have a strong foundation of friendship and closeness. Without these pieces, sex may be lacking or unsatisfactory in the relationship"

This is from JohnGottman, who has done a lot of research on relationships.

How is the rest of your relationship?

Here is a link to those resources. I haven't used any of these but it has an online program you can do together.

gottmanconnect.com/coach/enriching-your-sex-life

Also recommend the book 'Come As You Are' by Emily Nagoski, who explains most women experience desire differently to men.

He also wants counselling @Summerhillsquare . You seem to think it's wrong for a married man to want a....... marriage. How 'selfish' is he for wanting that, and not just a housemate relationship? 😂

Thankfully your selfish view is the minority.

Projecting, much?

Nope I am describing you perfectly. I guess I hit a nerve....

I feel very sorry dor your husband. Hes been very honest with you, and given you 2 options. You cant honestly think that hes in the wrong for rocking the status quo, when you are basically treating him like a housemate.
I know what low libido is like, but i made sure to put my partner first at least once a week and it definitely helps.
You have 3 choices.

1. To feel uncomfortable getting therapy but potentially making yourself, your husband and your relationship a priority
2. To share your husband with random women you dont know and potentially put yourself, your babies and your relationship at risk
3. Split up

You cant honestly think.its fair to continue in a way that only suits you?

She said he helps with the kids. He's been honest. He's been patient to see if it will come back and asked OP to consider going to therapy with him, she shut that down. Then he's asked to consider an open marriage. He's not wrong for wanting sex, not everyone can live in a sexless marriage.

I’m going to say the opposite of both yourself and everyone else and ask you just if this man is worth it.

You are the mother of his children. You have taken one hell of a health risk, twice, and are now mothering children, one of whom is under 2 still, and the only thing he can think about is his dick?? How very typically male.

This is just another entitled male who thought he could and should be entitled to sex forever with no consequences. The demands on women now are horrendous and there is no more equality or progression than for the aristos in the Middle Ages when women were expected to put up with multiple mistresses. Except that we get lied to a lot more about how it’s for our own good and is oh so politically correct.

The fact he has hardly mentioned it and he has put up with sex 4 times in 4 years shows how patient he has been and certainly does not think only with his dick. He could easily ask if she is worth it. Marriages take two, she is not the only one in the marriage, his needs are valid also. He seems to be a very decent, loyal and caring man. If he is not worth it, then NO MAN is worth it!

You are the mother of his children.

She is also his wife . And of course he is entitled to sex. It's called a MARRIAGE. A sexual relationship. If the OP doesn't want to have sex she shouldn't stay..... married. That is a major part of marriage, after all.