DH asked me to consider an open marriage

[Pumpkinspicedmum]

Me and DH have been together since we were 16 and are now 30 with a dd (4) and a ds (16mo)

Since my first pregnancy, I have been struggling with a very low libido and must admit to neglecting DH in that area. The other night DH asked if we could talk and said he wasn't happy in such a low sex marriage (we've dtd 5 times since the birth of our daughter 4 years ago) and really needs sex. He said he has been getting increasingly frustrated and snappy and feels lost in our marriage. He said that he does love me but feels that our relationship is in trouble.

I was honest and told him that it's not him but that I just have zero libido. He suggested counselling but I really don't like the idea of discussing our sex life with a stranger. If I'm honest, I got a bit defensive and went to bed in a huff which I know was wrong.

Fast forward to this evening and DH has asked me if I would consider an open marriage so that he can get his needs met, taking the pressure off of me. He said he loves me and wants our family to stay together but that a compromise needs to be made and its up to me whether we go for sex therapy or I carry on as I am and we have an open marriage.

To be honest, I dont really want to do either and feel a bit annoyed at DH for ruining the status quo which deep down I know is unreasonable and he isn't wrong for wanting sex with his own wife.

Any words of wisdom whilst I try to navigate this situation would be greatly appreciated x

Don't agree to an open marriage without trying absolutely everything else. Especially when you have such little intimacy currently. It is to high risk he will develop a full blown relationship with some one else.

Keeping things sexual takes effort. Especially with the demands of day to day life and children.

When we had our youngest I really struggled and it was hard. For me what worked was getting away from the house. Making an effort with how I looked which made me feel better. Hotel nights away a couple of times a year to not be in parent mode eat great food get way to tipsy and have a lie in naked and a lazy breakfast in the morning. Cinema or dinner out. Bringing back laughing and talking about things other than kids bills and scheduling.

Even when I just wanted to go to bed I would put on an episode of a TV show we were watching and cuddle. Sex isn't just about the actual physical act. Its about the closeness it brings to each of you.

I wouldn't sleep in seperate rooms. I would go back to my own room and just even hug. No expectations of sex just comfort each other.

He loves you and your kids. You have built a life and family together. Don't waste time feeling bad, guilty or inadequate. The feelings you are having he is probably similar feeling like you dont want him.

You got together quite young. Think about this as your next phase of your relationship and look at it as an opportunity to reconnect and build something even better.

Go to the gp and book counselling to give you a sense of control.

Good luck and I hope the break goes well.

This isn't about 'life throwing you a curve ball', this is about one spouse ignoring the other spouse's needs, and the other spouse having the right to have their needs met in a mutual supportive and fulfilling relationship. Marriage is about 2 people. Not just one. If you love someone and they love you, you care about them and their needs. That's what a marriage is. If you don't understand what a marriage is, don't enter into the legal arrangement.

Rad fem, yes, you keep telling yourself that.

What about the wife's needs Ms "Rad Fem"? Rad fem my absolute arse.

Do you want my twitter account handle? You can see for yourself. I have around 600 (mostly GC women) I follow, and around 540 followers.

Her needs are the only ones being met right now, aren't they?

And I guess that's why he suggested they try counselling, they even try going away to a hotel. He is also focused on her needs too. If he wasn't, he'd just have an affair.

@JennyNotFromTheBlock maybe coercive behaviour should be part of this discussion since it's appears to be part of OPs relationship

Imagine people being so shocked at the thought a man in marriage might want...... sex. Shock horror! Oh wow!

I’m totally confused by all of the responses praising DH’s husband saying how understanding and reasonable he is just because he didn’t cheat.

he still basically said he wanted to shag other women and thought it would be easier to get permission first and framing it as though he’s doing OP a favour…!

No, he shouldn’t be expected to be celibate, and yes it was great he brought it up but why straight in there with the open marriage suggestion before any other solution has even been attempted?!

I mean surely that’s a last resort solution, short of splitting up unless OP herself had ever indicated that’s something she would want.

Not at all. He's been patient, he asked for therapy. OP decided for the both of them it would be a sexless marriage, he has a right to say how he feels.

@Bettybooboo13 The only coercive behaviour seems to be from the OP. The husband far from being coercive, is trying to keep the marriage and suggesting counselling and working together. The exact opposite of 'coercive'. Coercive is denying one half of the marriage any happiness and intimacy and going off in a huff when they want to discus it, and then moving to another room to 'punish' him. That, is coercive.

I’m amazed at the responses here that are blaming the OP! If a person doesn’t want to have sex with someone it’s generally because they are not sexually interested in the other person anymore. When that other person is trying to persuade you to have sex with them, such as by threatening to have sex with other people, that’s rapey. No one has the right to have sex - it isn’t a Human Right, which is one reason why the law on rape in marriage was introduced in the 1990s’ before then, husbands couldn’t be charged with rape if they forced their wives to have sex with them.

OP, if you still love your DH, and still want to have sex with him but have no inclination, then yes, by all means speak to your GP for some investigations and maybe seek out a counsellor for both of you. But don’t be blackmailed into having sex with him against your will. Despite the replies on here, many relationships work very well even after sex ceases.

Did you read that he suggested counselling? OP shut it down.

@Applecrumble55 He suggested counselling before that, but OP said no.

Despite the replies on here, many relationships work very well even after sex ceases.

If both people are happy with that. He's not.

I don't think personally I could've stayed so long. Sex is really important to me, it's a vital part of a close intimate relationship.
Tbh I don't think sleeping in separate beds is going to be helpful, it's just removing closeness.

It's never coercive behaviour to say no to sex. No-one has a right to sex, in any situation, ever.

I don't have a high libido but either does dh so it works for us but if one partner has needs that are unmet there are all kinds of resentments that build up.

My feeling is that you cannot force something you don't feel, you shouldn't need medication to save your marriage. At the end of the day it's okay to not want to have sex just as it's okay for your dh to want more of it.

Open marriage sounds a nightmare, I imagine he will end up leaving any way as he will meet someone and through sex he will become attached. I think I would look at it that you are good friends and maybe it's better to part now.

No therapist in the world could make me want more sex, some people just don't feel the need.

OP decided for the both of them it would be a sexless marriage, he has a right to say how he feels.

Exactly! If we reversed the sexes, those saying the husband should put up with being in an unhappy marriage would be singing a completely different tune.

Are you feeling low op? Post natal depression is a thing that can hang around for a while you know.

I also suffer with confidence issues since having kids (I put on a lot of weight) and so my libido ebbs and flows dependent on how I'm feeling abiut myself and the time of the month.

My DH also suffers badly with depression and so we wait for the perfect time to collide where we are both up for it which can sometimes be months.

After each child was born I think it took me about 2 years to feel myself again in that way each time too.

The problem here is the mismatch in expectations. DH and I understand our separate and joint issues and (I hope) both know we want and love each other still but sometimes life gets in the way.

Be kind to yourself, it will be OK. He clearly adores you because this is important enough for him to address. I have to say though proposing an open marriage would not have been my starting point!

It is coercive behaviour for the wife to decide for both of them that it will be a sexless marriage, he gets now say, and that's that.

Esther Perel has some good videos on YouTube about female sexuality and keep the spark in relationships.
I also like this one for a general view.

This massive difference in need for sex is going to destroy your marriage. That's what your dh is telling you.

He's not wrong to want/need sex. You're not wrong to want none of it. But you can't go on together like this. This is critical: you aren't wrong. You aren't to blame. A lot of things change over the course of a long marriage: illness, children, employment, etc. For you, your sex drive has changed.

(And as a PP rightly said, no woman owes a man sex, ever. No person has a right to sex, married or not.)

So... it's great that you are both talking about this. I am glad you are going to the GP: be very up front that your marriage is on the line and you have no sex drive. Yes to marriage counselling too, and maybe sex therapy if that sounds right to you.

An open marriage will be the end of your marriage. If you are struggling with your self esteem over girlfriends from secondary school, how are you going to feel about the women he meets on Tinder? Also, it's not necessarily what he wants, so may not find it ultimately satisfying. Hook ups with random strangers is not sex with the wife you love.

I think marriage counselling and honesty about your relationship is a good starting point, along with the GP.

Looking ahead to this hotel trip: how do you feel about the possibility of having sex with dh that night? Worried? Fearful? Just uninterested? Mildly interested? I'm not saying that you should have sex! I am just wondering about your thoughts and feelings about sex with him.

Are you still breastfeeding and /or on hormonal contraception? Both killed my libido. How would counselling help? I'm not sure it will do much for your libido

She had a child 16 months ago. Sex has not ceased, it has paused. Marriages ebb and flow, particularly with small children. You could be together all your life, what's months?